


Doll Parts

by vampirexchild



Series: Doll Parts [1]
Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Alternate Universe - Fashion & Models, Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angst, Bottom Gerard Way, Drug Use, First Love, Frerard, Gay, M/M, Sad and Happy, Top Frank Iero, cute moments, the ending will probably hurt you
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-03
Updated: 2018-10-15
Packaged: 2019-01-08 10:48:51
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 22
Words: 106,997
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12252813
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vampirexchild/pseuds/vampirexchild
Summary: Gerard was both adored and hated by all. An androgynous model plastered onto magazines worldwide, that glamorous smile and doll-like face could charm anyone - and he dug his claws into anyone and anything he wanted. Even Frank Iero, his brand new assistant who is not who he says he is.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> As seen on Wattpad, I decided to move this on over here.

Models - the world's most adored and admired fashion icons, the women and men almost all people aspire to look like in both body mass and style. The glamorous gowns embedded with sparkling diamonds, the perfect long lean bodies and their skin without a flaw. There was always a spotlight made of sunshine that rained down on these teen idols, their beautiful nature and the way their eyes hypnotized you the longer you looked into them as you clutched a magazine in your hands. Every page you turned, their perfect bodies were adorned in silk and leather, the most beautiful and expensive materials in the world, their hair and makeup applied to perfection and to the point where their godliness made you nervous, it made you wonder if this level of beauty was even obtainable.

It is reality that all people fail to see. They can never see beyond the photoshoots of beautiful people with dramatic poses, the backdrop they stood in front of, what exactly happens when the camera isn't focused on their silhouette. Are these models human, are they otherworldly beings, are they simply a mannequin magazine industries have made up to put on their front cover? Is their skin made of fragile china as it appears, are their lips red and dripping with fine expensive gloss as they did in a one photoshoot, are their waists curved and thin as the expanse of a normal person's forearm?

The art of skinny and the art of deceiving - something about this society cries out to everyone that skinny and artificial beauty is the only way to be accepted, to be seen as truly gorgeous. Models are slaves to society for they are forced to mimick their expectations, eating nothing but a single bite a week to keep their ribcages protruding in a way people categorize as 'art'. In a world built upon aesthetic and prying eyes, the pure perfect flesh covering a body made of nothing but bones and empty stomachs are made beautiful. The hip bones sticking out of violin hips, the ribcage visible through pale and satiny flesh, the chest plate showed off between a pair of small breasts or the pectorals of young men. 

The life of fame is enough to make or ruin a person. For a model, it is both, but as everyone else sees it, they live the high end of life and they must be perfectly content, they are beautiful and beautiful means privileged. Grand evening parties, cocktail events, flashing cameras casting white shadows over the red carpet. But the red carpet has lost its charm, it is made from the blood poured out of the famous people who suffer behind their gala gowns and their name brand heels, their tuxedos and their charming, luring smile. A red carpet displaying society's trophies, and yes, everyone was a trophy, a golden figure put on display and treated as an object rather than a human being. 

Because who treated a trophy as a live and breathing person? Who would even imagine their shelved and beautiful possession could have emotions or thoughts for themselves?

Take a closer look at a model in a magazine cover, bring it almost to your nose and gaze into the picture as close as you can. If you focus, the pixels appear, pixels shadowing over their exposed waists and part of their chest. Look close, take in the bones peeking out from their skin, and remember that all photos on magazines require layers of Photoshop. What if the model is suffering far worse than a simple picture is letting on? What if her bones are even more visible in reality, what if her colored flesh is pale and pallid when you see her up close, what if the dark circles underneath her eyes were removed so the world would never discover her secret?

Our idols were never meant to turn into flashing barbie dolls with skin made of plastic and a smile painted onto their face. Industries destroy their image by disfiguring the shape of their bodies to make it appear acceptable to the public eye, molding the curve of their waist, erasing any stretch mark, stripping their natural skin tone.

But what if there was only one model that was visibly perfect, one that everyone embraced for their flaws? What if there was the single exception to society in both fashion and in body, the one specimen everyone fell silent in awe for? The one with the perfect porcelain flesh, the curved body and the colorful hair, the gorgeous fabrics hanging from their body in a mixture that was enough to shock the world. They bat their long lashes and the media swoons, they lick their lips and society lusts, they run their hand over their body and the camera flashes.

Society's treasured diamond. Their sex symbol, their shining star, their perfect china doll. 

But what is a doll when he tears himself apart when he is alone and there is nothing left but doll parts?

 

•

Involves mentions of minor self harm and sexual themes

 

Gerard sighed softly as he stretched out on the much more than uncomfortable sofa he was splayed out across. He contorted his face into one of casual pleasure as he arched his back gracefully, running his hand just over his crotch but never fully grasping his own self. He knew better than to do so, this was all an act and he would never expose himself in such an intimate position. The blood red color of his skirts were pooled around the sofa, the black lace corset wrapped around his entire middle section hugging him tightly and accentuating all of the delicate curves his body shaped into, even if the hard shell holding it together on the inside pressed against his ribcage and he tried his best to take small breaths or else he would crack a rib. He was hot inside the miles of fabric, the red and black thick skirts covering his body with one single slit in the middle for his silky smooth pale legs to be exposed and crossed on the sofa. He heard the camera shutters go off and saw the flash from the corner of his eye, cueing him to change his pose. He settled back on the sofa and relaxed his body, running his fingers through his eccentric red hair and turning his head to face the camera with heavy lidded eyes and parted cherry colored lips. As usual, he was praised, another photo was taken by the photographer, and he carefully sat up for another position. 

Spreading his legs, resting his hands on his thighs as he straightened his spine, gazing directly into the camera with a half lidded stare, his lips slightly parted, making himself look as attractive as possible underneath the bright light and the terribly tight clothing his pale body was currently adorning. Plenty of times he had forced his limbs into clothes as uncomfortable as the items he wore currently, and as a model he should have been used to it by now, but the pinch of unbreathable lace stretched over his pale skin was always enough to make him gasp a little in between shoots. Give him a fucking break, he would much rather display his naked body on this very sofa instead of teasing the audience with obscene flashes and spread legs - due to all of the graphic magazines craving for him to be the cover of their sexual education and position advice click bait, there had been many photoshoots that left little to imagination when it came to the curved and milky white body belonging to none other than Gerard Way himself. He would rather these companies got it over and done with by stripping him of all he had on and spreading him out across a bed of something as trashy as fabric rose petals, not that a little snippet of his cock would do any harm to the adoring crowd that created his fan base. 

Exhaling through his nose, Gerard took his lip between his teeth and leaned back against the sofa cushions, crossing one leg over the other and feeling the fabric of the dress sliding up his right thigh. Another flash resonated throughout the room along with an exclamation that went unheard by the male photographer much too keen to be photographing such a high end model. Or should Gerard say, the high end model, considering he was a photographer's wet dream come alive. What a photographer in the industry wanted the most was not to capture the smallest hint of beauty in someone you would not expect beauty to come from, they reached out with greedy hands for the things that radiated a dazzling aura bright enough to enchant people from across the globe, such as moths to flames. Once beauty was in their grasp, they toyed with it, molding it into their own creation before releasing it and expecting praise in return. In a photographer's eyes, there was no one more beautiful than Gerard, someone who exuded much more than beauty from first sight. 

Uniqueness, the qualities of both a man and woman, fragility, sophistication, and a sultry air surrounding the sway of his hips and the enticing curve of his legs. His skin pale as milk glowed at first sight and covered the very subtle muscles in his body, and though he was not very tall, the rest of him tied it all together and suddenly height was the least of anyone's worries in the industry. His hair was a messy disarray framing his soft face and delicately curved jawline, his chin not as round as it was flat and shaped prettily enough for anyone to want to take his chin and tilt his pretty face up, plant a kiss on his lips shaped like a bow placed on a present. His nose, sloped straight down and upturned, was small and dainty, centered prettily and resembling that of a perfectly measured right angle. His eyes, the forest green with swirls of earthy brown tones, were framed by lashes long and curled enough for women to become jealous of them. Not to mention the natural neatness of his thick eyebrows, his perfectly smooth complexion and the natural intensity his gaze held. He was what anyone would describe as perfect, perhaps he was a living example of the word straight from the dictionary itself, amongst many other words that have fallen past his admirers' lips.

Tabloids would say Gerard was one of the luckiest men in the world to be able to hone such good looks and be paid in extremely lavish paychecks for that reason alone. Money often came filling his bank to the max nearly every day, leaving him to be involved in a list of some of the most richest models and celebrities worldwide. It was enough for him to have the most gorgeous home, beautiful fabrics filling his closet, products fit for a queen, and a paycheck to hand with ease to his assistant and manager. He could even have anyone he wanted, and nor with money, but because everyone seemed to be down on their knees for him already as he walked by. However, he was picky, and he wouldn't choose a random young groupie who pleaded for him to take them with him to his grand mansion just to get a taste of his lips and the feeling of being surrounded by an exquisite lifestyle. In fact, he rarely took anyone home, he preferred to keep his nights of drunken sex away from his bed. It was less of a mess, and if anything he wanted to keep his whereabouts as private as he could. 

But having everything didn't always have its charms. Of course there was the delight of purchasing some of the most expensive silk dresses, fine lingerie and practically placing diamonds inside a martini glass as night approached. After a certain amount of time, everything you could ever want was slowly marked off the list, it was placed in your hands and you were left wondering what the hell there was left out there for you to obtain. The list was not never ending, Gerard had already seen its pitiful end and he had grown born of the luxuries of shopping and vacationing around the world. He had seen what he wanted to see, bought what he needed, built his entire life as high as a game of mega Jenga, and now as he reached out in front of him, there was nothing left to grasp. There was nothing for him to attend to besides photoshoots, charity balls, red carpet walks and of course the usual runway modeling he was paid a fine amount to do. Every single event blended into a blur of flashing lights and adoring crowds in his mind, he had lived it all and nothing was deemed interesting anymore. Even seeing his own made up face in the mirror made him feel a pit of awful emptiness forming in his gut, what else was there to see besides the perfect face he had grown tired of seeing pasted over every inch of the internet? Whenever he went, his face was there amongst magazines, commercials for perfume and lingerie, billboards, the sides of buses in the cities he ventured to, and on top of it all, the reflecting glass of every single building he stumbled across. 

Gerard let out a heavy sigh of relief once the photographer announced that the photoshoot had come to an end. The man, with thick framed glasses and ginger hair, kindly thanked Gerard for allowing him to take these photographs, in which Gerard nodded and smiled as a reply. He stood up and fixed his skirts, practically dying to free himself from the uncomfortable miles of fabric hanging from his frame. As a few men stepped forward to begin taking away the props, Gerard quickly made his way behind the backdrop to where the hallway leading to his dressing room was, only to see his personal assistant was standing there and practically shaking with a clipboard hugged close to her chest.

"Good work, Mr. Way, as usual." Lindsey praised nervously, scrunching her nose to lift her glasses slightly higher up her nose.

"All I do is sit and look pretty, there isn't much effort I put into this shoot except for trying not to gasp in this damn corset." Gerard brushed her off smoothly, walking past her into the hallway with an eye roll she must not have seen since she stayed behind for a small handful of seconds before she scrambled over and stood close behind him.

As they entered the room, Gerard was overtaken by the sweet smell of perfume and the feeling of relief as he released he could finally change his clothes and return home, like a great weight had been lifted off of his chest the second the floral scent of his own body spray filled his nostrils. He briefly heard Lindsey shutting the door behind them quietly and clearing her throat while he crossed the room and took a seat in front of the glowing vanity mirror against the furthest wall in the room. 

"Mr. Way, there are a couple of appointments I need to discuss with you, I just need your approval on some of them." Lindsey took a seat on the loveseat a few feet away from Gerard's vanity and crossed her shapely legs as best as she could in her tight gray pencil skirt, her hand tucking a strand of her black hair behind her ear out of nervous habit. Lindsey was quite an attractive woman, Gerard knew it very well seeing as he had once had his face buried between her legs and her hand tangled in his hair, but her clumsy and insecure persona often got on his nerves.

"Did you pass them by Brendon first?" Gerard asked, opening a fresh pack of makeup wipes to wipe off all cosmetics and let his skin breathe.

"Of course."

"What's next?" Gerard asked with a sigh underlining the question. Whenever he thought he might have seen a break coming in the future, he was always having his schedule filled with photoshoots and interviews. small acting parts and parties, everything he had surpassed beginning to dread. His manager, Brendon Urie, insisted on keeping him busy at all times to keep his name in the industry, so no one would grow tired of him. Gerard thought that was the most ridiculous motive ever thought of, no matter how hard any celebrity tried, the media would always drift away at some point and so would part of the adoring crowds surrounding them and staring at them like the sunshine shot out of their ass.

"Frances is going to be having her twenty third birthday in two weeks, she invited you to come if you're free, but the same weekend Brendon has you booked for a photoshoot with La Boutique magazine," Lindsey began, and already Gerard groaned and wiped away the eyeliner drawn across his eyelids.

"The magazine with that asshole of a French photographer? Why would he want me, he said I was pastier than a baby's ass." Gerard muttered out of pure distaste at thought of the seemingly attractive but so rude photographer who had the gall to insult him while snapping pictures.

"I suppose he encountered ways to edit skin color, seeing as he did quite a number on Nicole Kidman's skin about a month ago." Lindsey mentioned the pale redhead actress who Gerard's paleness would have competed with well if they stood next to each other. Gerard sighed, consenting the shoot despite his annoyance and continuing to wipe away his makeup until his skin was clean and glowing in the bright lights of the vanity mirror.

"Besides that, you also have possibly the biggest shoot you could ever be offered, Brendon actually said he doesn't need your consent on this one because he already said yes to the company." Lindsey fiddled with the hem of her pencil skirt and shuffled nervously when Gerard's eyebrows drew together and he turned to look at her. 

"And what would that be?" 

"Well, it's . . ." Lindsey licked her lips. "Time magazine wants to do a shoot for you, as the most successful model in America. They would also like to interview you about your origins as a model and such, it's a very big deal and Brendon really wants you to do it."

Gerard's stomach dropped at the news. It wasn't so much over the fact that Brendon had accepted this without consulting with him about it first, even though he did feel annoyance drip like hot water into his bloodstream from a few measly seconds. He was trembling slightly over this magazine wanting to dig into his past and his origins, something he always declined to do and his manager knew that damn well. Although he was an icon that the media enjoyed looking into, he never let himself be so open to the public that the world would recognize him so easily, he enjoyed having as much privacy as he could and it often frustrated the people who attempted to follow him around. Why were people required to know about his past in the first place, wasn't his present and future enough if it all belonged to them in the first place?

Gerard stood up from his stool and sighed deeply through his nose, reaching into his hair and taking out the large decorative rose clipped into it. "You can tell Brendon to cancel it because I won't do it." He spoke in a clipped voice.

Lindsey's face fell as soon as Gerard denied the job offer and scrambled to her feet as Gerard gestured for her to help him unlace his corset since he couldn't reach and untie them all himself. "Mr. Way, I know how you feel about personal interviews, but this can help your career so much. Time magazine doesn't offer things like this to any person."

"I know that," Gerard paused to sigh with relief the second the first few laces of the corset were untied and he felt some of the pressure on his chest dissipate. "But Brendon should know that I don't care about these boring magazines in the first place, my status is as high as it can get. I'm not the president of the United States, the world can handle it if I don't take up on this offer."

"I understand your discomfort . . . but I do agree with Brendon on this, sir." Lindsey said quietly, quickly undoing more of the corset and freeing Gerard from its tight restraints. He slouched forward a fraction out of pure relief while his lungs expanded with a much needed gulp of air. Despite being more than glad to finally be able to breathe properly, Gerard found himself becoming very annoyed by Lindsey's input on the subject of the interview.

"Lindsey, Brendon usually asks for my input for a reason, it's my body and my face people want. I have the final say in it if I have a photoshoot to attend or not." Gerard scoffed and batted Lindsey's hands away to peel the corset off of his body, letting the dress slide off of him and to the ground. He was nearly naked in front of his assistant, all pale flesh and a frustrated expression on his face for her to turn her cheek away from with a blush coloring her face. He had no clue why she would be so shy to see him, he had fucked her at least three times while she worked for him, and that only annoyed him further.

"I still feel like it would be best for you to do it. I never really get a say in much, I just thought you would appreciate my opinion." Lindsey drew back slightly and rubbed her hand over her upper arm.

Gerard sighed deeply, stepping out of his dress completely and sauntering over to where Lindsey stood nervously, hearing her breath catch the second he was in her line of vision and still only wearing a pair of tight boy shorts that were intended to be worn by women, but he never understood gender standards and bought what looked best on him. He chuckled and looked into Lindsey's wide, dark eyes, leaning in until their noses were nearly touching and he could feel her shivering breath fanning across his pink lips spread into a slight smile.

"Lindsey, dear, did I ask for your sweet little opinion?" Gerard whispered. He skimmed his hands over her arms, slowly moving his open palms over her soft and partially inked skin, transferring his lethally gentle touch to her hips where he closed his fingers over them and pulled her body against his. Lindsey gasped loudly, her eyes opening wider than they already had been with her glasses sliding down the bridge of her nose. 

"N-no, Mr. Way, it's just that I don't think Brendon will be too happy if you reject the shoot." She stumbled over her words, cherry red lips shaping around the words - but sometimes, Gerard wished she would stop her talking and put her full lips to good use, preferably on his own body rather than speaking what went through her hectic mind.

"Is that any of your business, Ms. Ballato?" Gerard purred smoothly, and the smell of her vanilla perfume wafted into his nose as he drew closer to her neck, assessing the pale skin before he leaned in and brushed his lips against it. Her breath caught and his hands rubbed over her hips slowly. He knew Lindsey was attracted to him, nearly every person he had met was drawn to him in one way or another. This was a way to get her to finally be quiet and to stop her constant fussing, take away the part of her that annoyed Gerard to the core. Some days he could barely stand his terribly shy personal assistant and the way she trailed behind him as his permanent shadow, and it seemed he only enjoyed her when their lips were attached, he was tasting her or she was tasting him, it was the perfect way to indulge in a pretty person who had a mouth that ran like a faucet. He mouthed at her neck, hearing her moan weakly, he dragged his wet lips further down and kissed the skin heatedly.

"No, Mr. Way, please don't -" Lindsey suddenly groaned softly, pressing her hands against Gerard's bare chest and shoving him away from her. Gerard stepped away, his eyebrows shooting up in pure surprise at her sudden rejection. Normally, Lindsey would melt into his arms and do anything with him, she was the easiest to break out of anyone he had ever wanted. Seeing her back away now with a red face and a look of disbelief coloring her features was certainly something that sparked anger in Gerard, and all of his previous annoyance returned within the blink of an eye.

"Fuck, Lindsey, what is it now?" Gerard sighed out of pure exasperation, pressing his fingers against the bridge of his nose.

"All I wanted was to advise you to go in the right direction and you want to have sex right now?" Lindsey swallowed and shook her head, rubbing over the section of her neck left warm by Gerard's lips.

"You always want to, I thought you liked having my mouth on your -"

"Not now, Gerard! Oh my gosh," Lindsey exclaimed breathily and adjusted her skirt, her cheeks running as red as apples at this point. 

Gerard, on the other hand was not amused, nor did he appreciate that Lindsey had pulled the last straw in his patience with her. Not only did she attempt to tell him what he should do, but she also lost all of her charms the second she pushed him away. Call him spoiled, a diva, a person with the patience of a small two year old, but in this very moment, he felt agitated and finished with Lindsey, and he was tired of playing with her now that she was beginning to develop a mind of her own.

"I've just about had it with you." Gerard gritted his teeth together and turned his back on Lindsey to retrieve the clothing set out for him to change into. He huffed softly, grasping a black cotton shirt and tugging it over his head. "I have had all the patience in the world with you, but you're so scatter-brained and quite frankly it annoys the hell out of me. I'm tired of shutting you up with sex, so you might as well just go."

Behind him, Lindsey let out a pitiful and small whimper. "But - but Mr. Way, I don't want to lose my job! I promise not to put my own input again, I do."

"You always blabber off anyways, how many times have you promised that you'll just stay quiet? It's enough I have Brendon on my ass all the time, I don't need you to monitor me too. So, sorry gorgeous, but you're fired." Gerard wriggled into his skinny jeans, smoothing out the wrinkles and turning around to raise one eyebrow at Lindsey. The woman's bottom lip was wobbling as she held back her tears, her hands balled into fists at her sides, and for a second Gerard felt his soft interior wanting to surface. Some days, he felt himself being cruel and unfair, the sort of behavior that would be hated if people knew about it, but he never liked to let his guard down when it came to his workers and the people who did business with him. Swallowing this swell of guilt, Gerard reached into his jeans pocket and retrieved a pack of cigarettes along with his lighter, pulling out one of the thin sticks from its holder. 

"You're dismissed now, by the way." Gerard waved her goodbye with a sweet smile on his face, putting the cigarette between his lips.

"Mr. Way, please, don't -" Lindsey began, taking one step towards Gerard, but Gerard groaned loudly and the sound made her freeze. 

"Get the fuck out of here, I'll tell Brendon to send you your last paycheck before you move out of the house. Go." Gerard told her sharply with his cold stare gazing directly into her teary eyes. He lit the end of his cigarette, and as soon as the smoke was entering his lungs, all signs of his guilt melted away. And, fuck, he really needed a drink, this place lacked alcohol. 

Lindsey swiftly left the room and slammed the door shut behind her, making the frame rattle from the force, but Gerard didn't flinch. He sank down in front of his vanity table the second he heard her quick footsteps blend in with the loud movements and chattering going on past the hallway. He placed his cigarette between his two pale fingers, inhaling another puff and feeling the smoke coat his lungs with a film he would never be able to get rid of. At age twenty four, he already smoked as much as a forty year old would have in their lifetime. He had cut down his amount of intake recently after he was constantly being scolded for it by his all too concerned manager. He opened his eyes and looked at himself in the mirror. The wide, arch shaped mirror with the light shining down on every aspect of his face.

His face was pale, as white as a porcelain doll's and with all of his makeup being wiped away, he could see the dark circles underneath his eyes, slowly creeping to the tops of his cheeks now and close to sinking his skin in. His lips were pink and crackled slightly at the corners from the biting he did to his bottom lip. His hair was a mess now that he had weaved his hand through it and disheveled it out of place, bright red in contrast to his white flesh. It wasn't that he looked unattractive, that wasn't what Gerard hated. It was who he was looking at, the asshole who had just fired his assistant because he was so ugly inside that he couldn't be patient with someone who was born shy and introverted. Some days, he felt that his pretty face went to waste because of what a horrendous person he could be, how he acted most of the time. A kind and good person would not have used Lindsey and they would not be easily angered by something as delicate as her personality. Gerard looked into his own eyes, the dark green surrounded by chocolate brown and tiny flecks of dark gold towards the outer ring of his irises. He took the cigarette away from his lips, propping his elbow up on the desk and letting it dangle from his index and middle finger. He swept his tongue over his lips and tried to find himself in his eyes. Call Lindsey, apologize, stop smoking, stop being dependent on substances he didn't need, create a new life from scratch.

"You can't fuckin' do that, you soulless cunt." Gerard murmured to himself, his lips shaping into a bitter grin. He leaned back in his chair and smiled cruelly at himself, crossing his legs and skating his cigarette against his bottom lip, then opening his mouth slightly and holding it between both of his lips, taking a drag of the last of the smoke before it began to die out. The ash crumbled in a small quantity onto his lap, but he didn't move to sweep it away. He just stared at himself, his eyes flickering all over his face until he had see enough of it and he felt disgust tying his intestines into tight knots that did not belong there.

He lifted his cigarette in front of his face, glancing at the glowing ember dancing on the end of the cancerous item he loved to slowly kill himself with. He looked past the object and to his face again. Perfect, smooth skin, no blemishes ruined his flesh. What would happen if there, so suddenly, was a scar or two? Would they all still want him, would they expect him to be there whenever they wanted him to be there? Or would they throw him away, a toy once shiny and pure now ruined and on its way to being forgotten? Gerard twirled the cigarette around, his eyelashes brushing over his skin the tighter he shut his eyes and felt the need to do it build up higher and higher until he was turning the cigarette in his hand around and bringing the end of it to his cheek. He needed the pain, what would it feel like to ruin his pretty face?

What stopped him from pressing the burning end of the fire against his face was a rapid knocking on his dressing room door. His eyes snapped open and he heard the photographer telling him his manager had arrived and his transportation source was waiting for him outside the building. Gerard felt infuriated, he could only cold respond to the person outside of the room and wait for them to retreat. He smashed the cigarette into the ash tray set nearly on the desk, feeling tears of frustration quickly entering his eyes. He blinked them away and quickly stood up, seeing himself in the mirror with wide glassy eyes and pale cheeks, his pupils wide and his heart racing. He hated what he saw - how could anyone love it?

He cried out when something snapped, something invisible, and his arm swiftly swept across the vanity. He wiped it clean and everything went crashing to the ground, some bottles shattering and other items clattering, landing in the pile of mess he had created it. 

Everyone cleaned after his messes, but he himself was a complete mess.


	2. Frank Iero: Undercover Agent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank's getting himself quite a spill here.

 

> Frank Iero could see his own reflection in the shining glass table in front of him. If he glanced down at it, he met his own eyes and he could see the small bit of stubble growing underneath his chin, a painfully awkward angle that made him frown and avert his eyes so he wouldn't be staring at himself anymore. He wrapped his hand around a warm paper cup filled with coffee he had made in the break room before he retreated to the meeting he and his co workers were called into, the usual meeting they held every Monday to start their week new. However, as he took a sip of the coffee, he realized he should have added another pack of sugar because it didn't taste as sweet as he liked it to be. He sighed softly to himself, placing his cup back down on the table and smoothing out a miniscule wrinkle in his ironed button down shirt. Every morning, he ironed his shirts until they were so smooth they was nearly stiffened by the heavy amount of straightening he did to them. Somehow, he always obtained a wrinkle in them before he reached work, and he supposed you couldn't avoid that no matter how many minutes you spent pressing a hot iron to any article of clothing.
> 
> As the last of his co-workers filed in, Frank looked up to briefly wave at some of them, hearing the exchanges of good mornings amongst some of the people taking a seat at the long table. Beside him, Frank's friend Brian took his seat with a coffee in his hand, setting down the hot liquid while he settled in to avoid spilling any of it.
> 
> "Morning, dude, how was your weekend?" Brian asked Frank with a slight smile.
> 
> "The usual, screaming into a cheap microphone and trying to write some new music. How was yours?" Frank brought his coffee to his lips and raised his eyebrows shortly.
> 
> "Well, I went on a date. The date didn't go as plan since we ran into her previous boyfriend and she started to cry hysterically." Brian pursed his lips and nodded slowly, Frank winced and let out a soft sympathetic hiss.
> 
> "Did you just take her home, then?"
> 
> "Had to. We were starting to get looks, so I just took her to the car and let her cry on my shoulder for a while. You know, without the fake eyelashes and eyeliner, she looked really different so maybe it was better it ended early." Brain chuckled and sipped his coffee.
> 
> "Did her lashes get stuck to your shirt?" Frank teased and jabbed his friend gently in the ribs.
> 
> "Fuck you, dude." Brian laughed and shrugged away.
> 
> Before the two could say anything more, the chatter in the room slowly died down the second the door to the conference room opened again. There were two glass double doors with shining metal knobs, and through the glass, everyone could see their boss had entered. As soon as she took her first step into the room, everyone sat straight in their seats and their faces shifted into expressions that promised nothing but business and professional talk. It was almost no expression at all, Frank thought, but with more of a nose-in-the-air look to it. For some reason, nearly everyone was intimidated by their boss despite her being a kind woman who was never unfair to her employees. Frank assumed it was because she had a burst of energy to her, her wide and excited smile came with a pair of passionate eyes and often, passion scared people away. Frank wasn't afraid of her passion, only thoughtful - he wouldn't be so passionate if he was the head of a magazine label.
> 
> Marina Diamandis was the fresh young face behind the creation of Doll Parts magazine, a plethora of tabloids dedicated to the tragic affairs involving only the prettiest faces in the industry. You could say it was meant to capture scandals and secrets no one would imagine such a beautiful and filthy rich person would have hidden away in their private lives, a look into the real world rather than the fantasy land everyone thought these lovely people lived in. Marina's magazine thrived and pulsed with publicity the second her first article was published, which was all focused on the fatal suicidal tendencies of a well known beauty guru who modeled for the most expensive cosmetics on the market. An interview, a look into the past, and a beautiful cover was all it took for Marina's magazine to flourish and become what it was to this day. Frank was lucky enough to work as a photographer for her magazine, she had once told him he had an eye for beauty and she secretly admired his photographs of their models more than the pictures taken by the rest of her crew.
> 
> Marina strode into the room with her bright aura of confidence, a wide smile spreading across her lips painted bright cherry red, a red to match her stiletto heels and balance the light and shimmering gray of her pencil skirt. "Good morning, all, I hope you all rested plenty this weekend because today is where we brainstorm!" Marina greeted everyone, stopping and standing at the end of the table in front of a suspicious easel with something perched on it, only it was concealed with a sheet to hide what was there. Frank glanced at the rectangular shape of the object, his thumb skimming over the lip of his coffee cup.
> 
> After everyone greeted Marina in unison, she placed her hands on her hips and beamed at every person sitting at the table. "So, as you know, every three weeks we need entirely new ideas to work with. Our last tabloid about lovely Frances Cobain was a success, what else do we have here?" Marina's eyes scanned the room.
> 
> One of Frank's co-workers, a journalist named Jamia, raised her small hand and offered her idea. Marina pointed at her so she could speak and she cleared her throat softly. "Um, Ms. Diamandis, I tried to grab a hold of doing an interview with the Victoria's Secret angel Giana Dobrev as you suggested, but she declined."
> 
> Marina barely twitched, she was still smiling even though the new should have been disappointing. Frank smiled slightly at the exchange, Jamia was trembling slightly as if Marina would snap at her for not being able to get a hold of one of the models she had wanted.
> 
> "Perfectly fine by me, no need to worry." Marina waved it off and looked at the rest of the group. "Anything else?"
> 
> "Nearly every model we tried to get a hold of is busy because summer is coming and nearly every fashion company is designing a summer line, everyone needs a model lately and it's messing with our business." Maria Brink spoke from her seat nearest to Maria, her red painted nails smoothing back her long blonde ponytail.
> 
> "It's always hard this time of year," Marina nodded. "I understand you've been trying. However, I decided to think on my own this time around, and I may have an idea that could have us at the top immediately."
> 
> Frank never usually shared ideas during their meetings, he sat quietly and listened for the most part, took up on the jobs given to him with casual happiness. He was more eager to listen today now that Marina had an idea, and she seemed to be bubbling with enthusiasm over it.
> 
> "There is only one model in this whole world that somehow always gets away from the media," Marina suddenly slammed her palms down on the glass table and leaned forward, making Frank's eyes widen and the rest of the people to gasp. "One person we don't know about. And yet, this model is everything and everywhere, every magazine is desperate to get even a sliver of information about them."
> 
> Frank had the slightest idea of who Marina was speaking about, although he hoped she was thinking of someone else. He didn't think he would be able to handle the strong presence of the person he was currently thinking of, surely Marina would put him in charge of the photographs if she wanted this article to be the best one yet.
> 
> Marina turned around and gestured to the easel with her hands, her eyes sparkling. "I'm sure you will all know who this is once you see them."
> 
> She grasped the white sheet concealing the portrait underneath it, pulling it back, and it was suddenly yanked away to reveal the picture everyone was on the edge of their seat for. She stepped aside to allow everyone to drink it in for themselves.
> 
> Frank couldn't help but inhale a quiet gasp once his eyes landed on the portrait. It was a beautiful photograph on its own with the dark quality of the filter, the way the light shone behind it and created a bright aura. He knew deep down that he found it even more beautiful because of the person in the center, a face as angelic as a being from heaven itself. As he guessed, the model of the week was none other than the exquisite and terrifyingly intimidating Gerard Way, possibly the most well known model the world had ever seen. A collected gasp echoed across the room at the sight of him, Frank could understand their awe and shock since he felt it on his own. Gerard Way was there in the picture, gazing into the camera through his long dark eyelashes, a red velvet dress sliding off his milky white shoulders. His hair was curled and framing his pale, delicate face, and the color of his olive green and hazel eyes was exaggerated by filters, but even so, Frank knew he had beautiful eyes. He saw Gerard's face constantly whenever he went out, pasted on every corner of the world it seemed. He admired his beauty, but sometimes he felt like he needed to look away before he got stung by the wasp.
> 
> "Gerard Way, the most unreachable of them all." Marina stated. "He drives the media _crazy_ , he is so incredibly enclosed that sometimes people wonder if he's real. Everyone would believe that entirely if he didn't attend charity balls and show up to runway shows, the man clearly wants his life to be his own. He is the most beautiful androgynous model out there right now, and if any magazine managed to grab a hold of him, they would make millions."
> 
> "If he's so out of touch, then how are we any different from the other magazines trying to get to him?" Brian asked, leaning forward and folding his hands on the table.
> 
> "I will get to that in a moment." Marina pointed at him and moved closer to the table again. Frank was still looking at the picture, wondering what kind of things the person inside of it was hiding.
> 
> "So," Marina began, "A little bird told me that Mr. Way has suddenly fired his personal assistant for reasons that are unknown. Since then, I found on his website that he is looking for a new one, but only those with experience will be accepted and he will be holding interviews with his manager tomorrow afternoon. This is where we come in."
> 
> Marina reached behind the portrait and pulled out a thin clipboard with a few papers clipped on. Frank had an odd feeling in his stomach, was it nervousness or was it because he ate a week and a half old slice of pizza this morning in a rush?
> 
> "His last personal assistant and the others before her have been said to live in the model's home with him, which means they have all the access to his personal life if they snoop enough. Surely they see how he behaves, they know of his plans, and as much as Gerard is willing to tell them." Marina smiled widely and flipped a page on her clipboard. "So, the plan I made is a bit extravagant, but I'm sure it will work out just fine."
> 
> "Does this involve one of us breaking into his home?" Jamia asked, looking a bit pale and terrified from where she sat. Frank had to hold back a burst of laughter from her question.
> 
> "No, not exactly." Marina winked at her.
> 
> "What?" Frank blurted out on his own accord.
> 
> Marina settled her gaze on him for a moment before she looked away and pursed her lips to conceal a smile. "The plan is that I have made a fake resume and background check for one of you sitting in this room, one I will give to you to take into an interview to try out for position as his personal assistant."
> 
> The entire room fell silent after that. Frank swore everyone stopped breathing for a moment - except for him, his breath only hitched. The idea sounded insane and he was more than certain it was one that could end up with the entire company being sued, his boss was toning it down when she stated her plan was only a _bit extravagant_.
> 
> "Oh, come on, it isn't so bad!" Marina chirped and set the clipboard down. "The person in charge will get the job and move in, I have things for you to spy on Gerard with. Those will be revealed when the person I picked for the job is hired as the assistant."
> 
> "Who did you pick?" Asked James.
> 
> Marina laughed softly, glancing down at the clipboard and placing her hands on the table. "I chose none other than Frank to do the job."
> 
> It was like all the air had been drawn out of Frank's body and suddenly shoved back in his lungs at once. When his eyes flew wide open in shock, everyone's heads snapped towards his direction to see how Frank would take the news. If he was being honest with himself, he wasn't sure how to take it, he felt a spike of pure anxiety shot like tiny lightening bolts through his insides and to his fingertips that were now subtly beginning to tingle. He met Marina's eyes from across the room and suddenly he didn't feel so at ease while watching a smile form across her face.
> 
> "M- _me_?" Frank choked, shrinking in his seat. "Why would you choose me?"
> 
> "Take it as a compliment, Frank, I had to choose the most attractive person that could lure Gerard into the direction of hiring one of us. I know a guy who's hooked up with Gerard once, he doesn't seem opposed to being attracted to the same sex."
> 
> "Attraction is not the point of this whole thing." Frank's cheeks were burning red and he felt the heat also traveling to the tips of his ears.
> 
> "No, but it's a key part. In a room full of toys, the child will choose the shiniest one. Besides, I've seen two of Gerard's past assistants and they're all rather good looking, I believe he has a taste in workers." Marina cocked her eyebrow and smiled.
> 
> "There are plenty of other attractive people who work here," Frank sputtered. "What about Brian? Or Maria, Taylor too." He gestured to the two gorgeous blonde women at the table, ignoring Brian's disgruntled mumbling about not putting him on the spot.
> 
> "Frank, you will take the job and that is final." Marina suddenly took on a firmer tone of voice and she stood straight, crossing her arms over her chest. "Do you want to get paid even more so you can finally leave to New York or no?"
> 
> Now, that was the exact moment where all of the protesting in Frank's mind shut off. It went eerily silent in his head while he let that set in. It was a long enough silence to let Marina know that she had won the battle and there was no more convincing she needed to do, which was entirely true. Going to New York was Frank's only dream, one he had been saving up for when he was sixteen. However, he hit a fork in the road by the time he was twenty and he found out his parents' home had been evicted, he spent what he had gained on a new apartment for them to live in, and he had to start from the bottom. He wasn't angry about it, just disappointed, but he'd never express that out loud to anyone. He wanted to leave California and start his music career over in New York City, even if he lived in a shitty loft and had one demo finished. You had to start somewhere.
> 
> "Very well." Marina cut into the brief silence and sighed. "As for the rest of us, we'll continue our normal work, but this project will take two months. I know that is a while, but we need as much information as we can get." She turned her eyes onto Frank. "Frank, I need to speak with you privately when the meeting is over to go further in depth about your task."
> 
> Frank could barely muster a nod before Marina was already assigning journalism tasks, ideas for the design of the article. Frank was spaced out, his heart thrumming loudly in his own ears the more he thought about what he needed to do. How could he even look someone as ethereal as Gerard Way in the eye? He could practically see himself losing his words and walking out of the building completely, this seemed too dangerous for him to do. The only reason he stopped complaining was for the promise of his dream coming true if he did it, he wouldn't get another chance at having it handed it to him.
> 
> After the meeting was dismissed, Frank was asked to stay behind with Marina as she had said, he stood awkwardly in the room and Brian patted his back as good luck before he left to room to go to his own office. Once the doors were shut, Marina turned around with her fists resting on her shapely hips and a proud smile settled on her lips.
> 
> "I'm very happy to have you taking the job, Frank, you have such promise and I'm confident you won't let me down."
> 
> "Thank you, Ms. Diamandis." Frank smiled shaking and folded his hands together.
> 
> "Now, I have some things to go over with you." Marina retrieved her clipboard and took a seat at the table, gesturing for Frank to do the same. He sat in the chair beside her, and fuck, he was shaking slightly from nerves. Marina, however, was completely happy and at ease, even humming to herself while she grabbed a hold of the papers and laid them down on the table. Two of which had Frank's name on them, even a picture of him he had hung up on the office walls after he had won employee of the month in December.
> 
> "Are these the fake background checks you mentioned?" Frank asked.
> 
> "Yes, I changed everything about your experience as a worker and I even added that you went to Yale for college." Marina chuckled and pointed at the spoke were it indeed did say he attended Yale for one year before transferring to a different college to study stylism and beauty.
> 
> According to this record, Frank had gotten the best grades possible while in high school, he spent five years attending college and has been an assistant to many different fashion icons and stylists. He was recommended for being quick and intelligent, being positive and helpful, one of the best workers every one of these so called stylists had ever had. Frank had no criminal record, not even a ticket for parking in a no parking area, which in reality wasn't the truth - he had been given two tickets for that exact reason. His personal information on the record was completely made up, except for his phone number which he supposed he would be needing to keep real since he couldn't suddenly buy another phone or somehow claim a fake number.
> 
> "My name won't bed changed at all?" Frank quirked an eyebrow.
> 
> "Yes. I figured you wouldn't want to be referred to as someone you're not, it may cause confusion if someone calls the name and you don't answer to it despite you being beside the person." Marina nodded once.
> 
> Frank bit his bottom lip and stared at the papers with an uneasy feeling bubbling in his gut. "Anything else I need to do?"
> 
> "You have to be confident." Marina added. "Practice in the mirror if you need to, and look extra sharp tomorrow when you see Gerard. Please, remember to smile and be as kind as you can, and call me immediately if you get the job."
> 
> "And what if I don't get it?" Frank looked up.
> 
> Marina smiled reassuringly at him and stacked the papers together. "I know you will. You underestimate yourself too much."
> 
> After taking the papers with him and heading towards his office, Frank felt a little calmer after leaving the conference room. It felt suffocating in there, or maybe it was only him that felt that way. He felt like he was doing the wrong thing, and in reality, he was by taking this job. Say he did land the job, that Gerard and his manager believed the bullshit Marina had pasted onto the sheets of paper and accepted him into their lives, it was pure manipulation. He didn't plan to be involved so deeply with Gerard, he didn't even want to have a casual friendship, he vowed to keep it strictly business or else he would feel even worse for abusing the job to see who Gerard Way truly was when the cameras were looking away.
> 
> He sat at his desk and thought about what he was going to say and do as soon as he entered that building tomorrow. Marina had provided him with the address and the time he needed to be there, she also mentioned him needing to prepare himself to present and impress since there would no doubt be many people hoping to get the same job. Everyone wanted to be in the presence or at least the shadow of Gerard Way. Frank didn't, he spent so long trying to pretend he didn't understand the allure of the pompous model, but he did understand it, and he was terrified of making a fool of himself in front of someone who seemed at the top of the human pyramid. Most of all, he feared the attraction and the possibility of shutting down whenever he met the eyes of the bewitching, almost inhuman beauty everyone fell silent for whenever they laid eyes on him.
> 
> Frank's only lifeline right now was the taste of his dream ghosting on the tip of his tongue. He could tell it was sweet, the sweetest thing he had ever tasted, and he wanted to hold onto it for as long as he could. Frank was twenty six years old, he felt like he was wasting his life away already and he belonged in the music industry. He wanted his records to be on the walls of fame dedicated to his idols, he wanted to finally touch an electric guitar modeled just for him as he took the stage and met the eyes of the crowd - a crowd crying out for him, a crowd who knew all the lyrics to his songs. And songs, Frank had written so many of them that his apartment had folder after folder filled with them, filed away in a drawer with a lock because as of now, his songs were the only secrets he kept.
> 
> And now, he had another secret to keep, and that was the truth about his own identity.
> 
>  


	3. Decency Is Nonexistent

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Time for Gerard to hire a new personal assistant, only if he can stop being horny and indecent.

The day outside was cloudy and horribly humid, small droplets of miniscule rain fell from the heavy gray clouds and teased the people who expected rain and carried umbrellas with them. The air was cooler than it had been during the past few weeks, but the humidity left a horrible sticky feeling to everyone's skin, teased their hair. Eventually, a heavy downpour would be unleashed just as everyone finally gave up on taking their umbrella with them, that was the irony of the weather in California. It wasn't always simply sunshine and perfect days for tanning, the weather in the state was often unpredictable or misread.

Gerard stretched his body out on the longue sofa in his manager's office, resting a pillow under his head and trying to ignoring the aching in his legs from practicing runway walking all day yesterday. Even then, he still wore his best pair of black high heels, at this point heels did nothing to hurt him from how often he was forced to wear them. He wasn't indestructible, but he rarely suffered in them after only an hour of walking in them as other woman did. As he stretched, he felt his designer gray sweater dress creeping higher up his bare thighs, but he sat still and did nothing to fix it.

Across from him, his manager was not so impressed. Brendon raised one of his thick eyebrows at Gerard and glanced at his obscenely short dress. "Gerard, could you please be a little more professional? We're doing interviews, not a photoshoot."

Gerard lazily waved his hand at Brendon, letting his sunglasses slide over his eyes. "They've all seen me half naked at one point, this is nothing." 

Brendon huffed out a sigh, but Gerard could tell he was hiding a smile. Gerard grinned and crossed his legs, the tips of his fingers sliding under the hem of his black high thighs to warm them. The cold chill of his fingers made him shiver slightly, he was nearly freezing in Brendon's large office. Since it was the middle of November, maybe it was his fault for wearing a short sweater dress with the short sleeves sliding off his shoulders, but he expected for it to be warmer inside than it was outside. 

"Brendon, it's cold." Gerard whined. 

"We only have two more people to interview, Lana should be bringing in the next person shortly." Brendon eyed his watch, then the list of people he had set on his glass coffee table.

Gerard smirked smugly, twirling a lock of his vibrantly colored hair around his pale slender finger. "I like Lana."

Brendon glared at Gerard and pointed at him. "Don't even think about it, Gerard, she's my best secretary and I don't want her quitting because my responsibility broke her heart."

"I won't lead her on, come on. After Lindsey left, I've been bored."

"You fired Lindsey, she didn't leave." Brendon reminded him.

Gerard's mood hardened once he remembered why Lindsey wasn't pestering him right now and why he was interviewing people for the role as his new personal assistant. Some part of him deep down felt guilty for cutting her off in such a cruel way, he wished he wasn't the way he was most of the time even if his outer persona cut off those thoughts and he continued to live up to his title of being the diva everyone who worked with him loved and hated all the same. No, it wasn't him they loved, it was the money his face provided them.

There was a gentle knock on the door followed by the opening of the entryway, and Gerard looked up to see Lana standing there beside a shorter female with fading orange hair pulled back away from her face minus the fashionably short bangs resting on her forehead. Lana smiled serenely in her painfully seductive, old Hollywood star manner and gestured to the woman next to her, perfectly manicured acrylic nails and all.

"This is Hayley Williams, I believe you've been expecting her?" Lana asked.

"Yes, come on in, Ms. Williams." Brendon straightened up in his seat, and he glanced at Gerard as if he expected him to do the same. But Gerard was winking at Lana with his teeth softly biting his bottom lip, flustering the young woman and her hand lifted to cover her mouth as she trembled with a silent giggle before she left the room.

Gerard assessed Hayley as she stepped inside the room and took a seat on the dark fabric love seat close enough to him and his manager. She was dressed professionally enough, slacks with a blazer and all, and her face had minimal makeup on it. Her skin was pale and she had a sweet smile that crinkled the corners of her eyes. Sure, Gerard thought, she was cute, but he was certain he wouldn't fuck someone so innocent. Oddly, she reminded him of a teenager and that was a bit creepy to him. That was already a downside that had him resting his head on the pillow again, but he was facing her, at least. 

"Hello, Hayley, did you bring your transcript and your resume with you?" Brendon asked and his plump lips stretched over his bright white teeth in that dashing smile that always made Gerard roll his eyes.

"Yes! Here it is." Hayley reached into her blazer and took out a folder that must have come from some sort of pocket inside it. Gerard watched Brendon eagerly take the file to look over her information, opening it and pulling out the contents inside.

Gerard licked his lips, stretching his body forward and holding his hand out to her. "I'm Gerard."

She looked a bit flustered at first, and she giggled nervously, but she held out her hand and shook Gerard's with a firm grip he was surprised by. "I know! It's a privilege to meet you, sir, I admire you and your work."

Gerard smirked softly, tilting his head down so he gazed at her over the rim of his sunglasses. "Do you enjoy looking at my half naked body, Hayley?"

"He's joking." Brendon said sharply the second Hayley flushed a strawberry red and sputtered, pulling her hand away.

Not really, but alright.

Gerard chuckled to himself, sinking into the longue chair and crossing his legs once again. After a moment of silence and the gentle sound of papers rustling, Brendon hummed with approval and peered up at Hayley who was still blushing and keeping her eyes far from Gerard.

"You've worked for Frances Cobain, did you resign?" Brendon asked. Gerard looked up with slight interest. Frances was a good friend of his even though he barely saw her due to their busy schedules. She was more of an artist than a model and she was quite successful in her work, Gerard did his best to pretend he was not slightly envious of her.

"I was let go because she realized she preferred to be independent, but she recommended I come here if I wanted a similar job." Hayley pointed to the file. "Before that, I worked with Ashley Costello for a few months before she quit modeling to pursue a music career."

Brendon nodded, looking entirely impressed, and switched the paper over so he could take a look at her transcript. "And perfect grades, you went to Arizona University?" 

"Yes, for a full four years." Hayley smiled proudly, a gesture that made Gerard roll his eyes and groan inwardly. He inspected his perfectly filed down nails, the clear protective polish covering the pink nailbeds to prevent any chipping. 

"I'm also very good at multitasking," Hayley added, "and I have a very clear schedule unless it's a doctor's appointment, but I always make sure none of those appointments get in the way of work."

"Well, I think that sounds pretty good." Brendon glanced at Gerard, a glint of nervousness shining in his eyes. "What do you think, Gerard?"

In all honesty, Gerard felt bored with Hayley the second she walked into the room. There was no way she could replace Lindsey and deliver what the other woman did for Gerard, she was too fresh-faced and hyper for him to stand. She seemed the type to be the popular, pretty girl in school that the kids like Gerard resented even though she never did any harm to anyone. She reminded him too much of a younger person and it bummed Gerard out that he wouldn't be having any fun with her if he were to give her the job. In fact, she may grind on his nerves even more than Lindsey had. Gerard didn't share this opinion, however, he wasn't going to make another girl cry. So instead he shrugged, reaching into his thigh high and fishing out a stick of gum wrapped in dark green foil. 

"We'll get back to you, dear. Have a nice day." Gerard waggled his fingers at her, ignoring the way her face fell slightly. He unwrapped his spearmint gum, folding the stick in half and popping it into his mouth. He ignored the dirty look Brendon was sending his way, he knew Brendon didn't approve of the specific requirements he kept to himself when it came to finding a new assistant. He was aware of his past relations with Lindsey, but not matter how many times Brendon advised Gerard to quit his habit of sleeping with his employees, Gerard never gave it up. What else was he to do when everything else had been done, sex was one of the only things he could still do without getting tired of it. It was amazing to him, even more for the person he took to bed. 

Gerard was chewing happily on his gum as Hayley said goodbye and was told she would be given a call, then she left the room with Lana as her escort. 

Brendon sighed deeply and rubbed his hand over his face. "Gerard, we aren't here to find you a fuck buddy. We are here to get you a new assistant."

"It's also fun to find a fuck buddy." Gerard giggled.

Brendon dropped his hand into his lap with a loud slap. "Look, there is one last person coming in here, and then we are done with interviews. You need to be professional and pick someone. Hayley so far is your best shot, she seems kind and she's positive, please let her attitude rub off on you."

"You sayin' I have a bad attitude, Brenny?" Gerard pouted, but from the dark look his manager passed him, he dropped his teasing demeanor and sighed. "I know what we're really here for, but you know I get lonely."

"Then you go out and find yourself somebody to fuck, not your employees." 

"Fine. Just bring in the last one, if this one flops then Hayley will have to do." Gerard sighed and leaned back, smacking his gum with irritation. He never liked being told what to do, it always soiled his good mood.

Brendon spoke into his Bluetooth mouthpiece and asked for Lana to bring in the last person for the day. Gerard glanced at Brendon's list of names set on the table, tilting his head to the side to see the last name scrawled at the bottom of the paper. 

Frank Iero, it said. Gerard furrowed his eyebrows and ran his fingers through his hair. Frank, to him, sounded like a name belonging to the strange uncle in the family with a mustache and curly hair from the eighties, or even an elderly man. The name was not very attractive, but his last name sounded exotic even though Gerard wasn't too sure how to pronounce it correctly. He wondered if it originated from another language, he had never seen the name before in his whole life and he had met all sorts of models worldwide.

When Lana came into the room again, Gerard was immediately suspicious when he took in the state of her cheeks and smile - her cheeks were stained bright pink, the blush spreading to her neck, and her smile was too wide for it to be a casual one. She giggled slightly, moving to the side. 

"Mr. Iero is here." Lana breathed - so that was how you pronounced it.

Gerard was not concerned about Lana's state the second his eyes flickered to the man beside her. Sure, he was shorter than her by a few inches, but that didn't take away from the way Gerard's entire body lit up while he looked at him. Fuck, if Gerard had thought the men he had been attracted to before were gorgeous, he had to think again. Frank Iero stood there with his teeth biting into his naturally raspberry colored bottom lip, his large and hooded hazel eyes sweeping around the place, and his tattooed hand lifted to push a messy curl of dark brown hair away from his face. Fuck, his arms were tattooed, miles of pretty ink covering his olive colored skin that practically glistened from how soft it must have been to the touch. Gerard was suddenly sitting up, pushing his glasses away from his eyes and his lips were curving into a smile. 

"Yes, thank you Lana. Come take a seat, Mr. Iero." An oblivious Brendon smiled warmly and gestured to the loveseat Hayley had been sitting on previously. 

Lana giggled softly, slipping something into Frank's hand before she slipped out the door and shut it softly behind her. Frank looked down in confusion, then he flushed pink and shoved the piece of paper that must have had her number written on it into the back pocket of his black jeans. When he took a seat, Gerard swung his legs over the side of the lounge chair, and the soft clacking of his heels caused Frank to turn and look at Gerard. Their eyes met and Gerard smiled softly, lifting his hand and waving slowly at the man who was making his skin flush with heat. 

Frank swallowed, dare he say nervously, and waved back hesitantly. He wasn't wearing a wedding ring or any sort of ring on his finger, which was a good sign to Gerard. He held back a smirk, crossing one leg over the other and chewing his gum behind his closed lips.

"Did you bring all of your information with you today?" Brendon asked, glancing at Gerard with slight suspicion upon his sudden change of position. 

"I have it right here." Frank held up a folder and set it into Brendon's waiting hand.

Gerard leaned forward, holding his hand out for Frank to shake. "Good afternoon, handsome."

Frank smiled shakily, bringing his hand in and shaking Gerard's. His skin was soft and pleasantly warm, it made Gerard hum softly. "Good afternoon, Mr. Way."

Gerard smiled and looked up at the man through his eyelashes, and instead of letting go of his hand, he turned it over to study the tattoos inked onto the back of it. "You've got some lovely ink, honey."

"Uh, thank you, sir." Frank chuckled nervously, licking his lips and glancing at Brendon.

"Gerard, if you don't stop flirting with our client then we're going to have a problem." Brendon stated flatly, not even looking up from Frank's file to say it. 

Gerard rolled his eyes and let go of Frank's hand even though he wasn't finished looking at his ink. He leaned away, eyes raking over the latter's clothing choice. He wore a white button down shirt with the sleeves rolled up his lean forearms covered in patches of beautiful art, and a black tie saved the entire outfit from being too casual for an interview. Gerard chewed on his lip, wondering if this man had even more tattoos underneath his clothing. When he looked up again at Frank's handsome face, he could see the man was slowly yet discreetly taking in his body, his eyes settling over the place where the hem of his thigh highs ended and the snow white skin of his thighs were exposed to the cold air. Gerard smirked to himself - this was going to be a very fun experience if Brendon allowed Frank to be hired.

"So, Frank, straight A's during your entire school career?" Brendon raised his eyebrows as he did whenever he was impressed. 

"Yes, I was really dedicated to school work my whole life. I always liked the feeling of getting the best grades." Frank smiled, revealing a row of white teeth that sparkled when he pulled his lips back over them. Gerard noticed how his bottom lip was slightly plumper than his top lip, and the top lip had a lovely subtle curve to it

"Five years of studying style and beauty, have you always wanted to work in this type of industry?"

"That's what I was set on and I have had quite a few jobs involving things similar to what I'm here for now. I have recommendation notes beside the people I've worked for in the past." Frank pointed to his work resume, which Brendon picked up to read over.

"Do you know how to make good coffee in the morning?" Gerard was asking the important questions now that he crossed paths with someone he definitely wanted living in his home with him. He raised his eyebrows.

Frank smiled widely, his eyes squinting and glistening. "Of course, I wouldn't be alive if I couldn't make good coffee even for myself." 

Gerard nodded in approval and exchanged a small smile with Brendon.

"You have a lot more experience than anyone I've interviewed today, these are a lot of big names you've worked for. And you're experienced in the entire assistant field, which helps out a lot." Brendon's lips were parted in admiration. He looked up from Frank's file and at the man himself.

"I would hate to come here and disappoint any of you, I made sure I was good enough to be in the presence of such an elite model." Frank glanced at Gerard and gave him a secret smile.

Charming as all hell.

"How is your schedule, are you free often?" Brendon asked and set down the folder. 

"Yes, I'm free almost all the time." Frank nodded.

"If you take the job, it's a live in job with Gerard, are you sure you would be comfortable with doing that?" 

Gerard was beginning to grin, realizing Brendon had not asked Hayley or any other client that specific question. He was bubbling with hope, he couldn't wait to get his hands on someone as gorgeous as Frank. In the past, he had had many female assistants and rarely any male ones, he was also desperate for that change since he felt he needed a break from women for a certain amount of time. Women were soft, gentle, beautiful and very responsive, but Gerard craved a rougher touch where everything would be equal and he didn't need to be the one doing all of the work.

"I'm fine with a live in job, it's nothing I haven't had to do before." Frank folded his hands together.

"Perfect," Brendon murmured and glanced at Gerard. "What do you think?"

"You're hired." Gerard jumped the gun without sparing a glance at his manager first. "Pack your things, Iero, you're moving in with me." 

"I - really?" Frank's eyes widened, his dark lashes fanning out.

"Of course." Gerard stood up, his heels clacking against the smooth marble ground, and stopped in front of Frank with his hands resting on his hips. "I'll have Brendon give you my number and further information this evening, and meanwhile, start packing your things."

Frank also stood up, not quite making it to eye level with Gerard, and he looked close to being terrified to being so close to the latter. "Thank you, sir, it will be a pleasure to work with you."

"Believe me," Gerard shook Frank's hand once again, his lashes fluttering as he leaned in even closer and brushed his knee over Frank's thigh subtly. "The pleasure is all mine."

There was a silence following that, along with the two staring at one another - the mouse and cat, one trembling just a bit and the other smirking in a way that made the latter lose his breath.

"Okay then," Brendon cleared his throat and the two finally broke apart. "Since Gerard is also keen on hiring you, as he said, I'll be sending you more information you need either tonight or early tomorrow morning."

"Thank you for the job, sir, I'm excited to start it." Frank brushed his hair aside and smiled again, that pretty smile that lit up the entire room. 

Brendon smiled at him fondly and patted him on the back. "I'll have Lana escort you back to the waiting room, have a good evening, Mr. Iero."

"You too, Mr. Urie, and you, Mr. Way." Frank mimicked someone tipping their hat before he smiled warmly and exited the room, the door shutting behind him.

"What a man." Gerard giggled, flopping down onto the loveseat Frank had just been sitting in and folding his legs underneath him.

"I know you only hired him because he's attractive." Brendon shook his head slowly.

"Brendon, it isn't like he was the worst choice out of everyone and I picked him just because he's hot. You know he was the best, him being attractive is just a big bonus." Gerard looked sideways at Brendon and smiled reassuringly. "Don't you think he's a good choice?"

"Yes, but had he been average looking, I know you would have went with Hayley Williams." Brendon sank down on the sofa again and rested his hands on his knees.

"No, that's not true!" Gerard smacked his hand over his thigh, pretending to be offended. "Why do you have such low expectations for me?"

"I know you better than anyone, come on." Brendon cracked a smile even though he was rubbing his temple and his eyes were shut.

"I have a feeling this will go well, don't you?" Gerard twirled his hair around two of his fingers, blowing a small bubble with his gum.

"Perhaps for you, you could cut the sexual tension between you both with a knife." Brendon mumbled.

"Yes!" Gerard screamed with victory, kicking his legs in the air and swinging them back and forth. Of course he was flashing Brendon his red satiny underwear, but it wasn't anything his manager hadn't seen before. Not that they had slept together - yes, what a surprise - but he had been working for Gerard for five years, he had seen many parts of Gerard without even flinching. 

"You are so inappropriate." Brendon grabbed Gerard's ankles and pressed them together, lowering his legs down for him with a slight smile sliding across his full lips. Gerard stuck his tongue out at his manager, lifting his leg to press the tip of his heel against his stomach.

"Yes, so inappropriate, I fuck all of my employees and you're next." Gerard giggled and threw his head back, arching his back. "Oh yes, Brenny, fuck me! I can't resist that sexy forehead, mhm, fuck me, dadd-!" Gerard meant to finish, but Brendon was slapping his leg away and groaning loudly. 

"If you finish that sentence, then you'll be looking for a new manager too." Brendon meant to take on a warning tone, but his laughter was preventing him from doing so. Gerard was laughing harder than him, to the point where his stomach muscles were aching and he was rolling onto his side.

"Come on, Gee. We've gotta get you home." Brendon grabbed his jacket that was draped across the back of the sofa and shrugged the black fabric over his shoulders. Still chuckling, Gerard turned his head to see the wall made entirely of glass that looked over the city. It was raining harshly at this point, droplets of rain streaking down the glass and fogging the very corners of it. He saw himself in the subtle reflection in the glass, his red hair spread out over the dark sofa and the glitter spread over his eyelids, completed with a thick line of winged eyeliner. He sat up with a sigh, flattening his hair before he stood.

"Hey, Bren?" Gerard asked and reached for his red button down coat and his hat. He put one arm through the sleeve, glancing over at his manager who was slipping on a pair of gloves.

"Yeah?" He glanced up.

"Are you still pissed at me for not taking that offer for Time magazine?" Gerard bit into his bottom lip. He remembered Brendon getting upset the second he learned Gerard had rejected the offer, saying he was too far up his own ass to realize that he had let down an amazing offer that wasn't offered to many models. Although he pretended to shrug it off and continued to drink his bottle of vodka, he thought about the comment after that night and he wondered if his painful fame really was just an illusion Gerard made up.

"I'm disappointed, but it passed and no, I'm not upset with you anymore." Brendon reassured.

Gerard buttoned up his coat, licking his lips and focusing on the movement of his fingers. "I really am far up my own ass. I know that, but it's just in my nature to be that way and regret it when it's too late."

"Gerard, you were raised in the modeling world, of course you're going to feel superior and all. Everyone taught you to feel that way, and technically you are, but you do need to tone it down sometimes."

"Am I a bad person, Brendon?" Gerard dropped the bomb and stopped what he was doing. He looked up at his manager, his only real friend, and all traces of previous laughter melted away.

Brendon's face softened. He sighed internally, closing the gap between them and resting his hands on Gerard's shoulders firmly. "Gerard, you are spoiled rotten, an asshole, you drink too often and have more sex than I've ever had in my ten year marriage with my wife."

Gerard's heart clenched painfully in his chest. He should have seen such words coming, he knew he was all of those traits because he called himself those terrible things on the daily. He swallowed loudly, looking away and nodding.

Brendon squeezed Gerard's shoulders gently. "But you always feel remorse, a bad person never feels remorse for doing those things. It may come late, but you do regret doing bad things and that means you are good on the inside. You just need to work on your habits."

Gerard felt relieved, but just a bit. At least one person didn't believe he was all bad, but what about the rest of the world? What about the people he loved in the past, what about his own self? He was insecure in all the wrong places and he was so scared that one day, the good part of him would fade away entirely. He hoped it never did.

He smiled weakly, placing his hat over his head. "Let's go."


	4. Bluntness Can Make Any Man Sweat

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank officially moves into Gerard's humble but also not so humble abodes.

Frank was still reeling from the fact that he had landed the job as Gerard Way's personal assistant. Though he did his best not to show it, he heavily doubted himself the second he stepped into the waiting room full of nervous looking person who were dressed much neater than he was. He was certain he would be the last choice for the infamous model and his manager, but they both appeared eager and happy to hire him. And, yes, being in the presence of a person who exuded glam and self confidence was incredibly intimidating, not to mention the fact that the model had been giving Frank those pretty fuck-me eyes the entire time he was being interviewed. He was terrified of Gerard more than he was attracted to him, the entire time he felt like he was being leered at by a lion and he was some sort of measly prey, but Gerard wanted to devour Frank in a way that had nothing to do with killing him. Although, he was sure Gerard looked at everyone remotely attractive that way, the secretary he had been escorted by seemed to be quite taken with the model until she had acquainted Frank. He still had her number in the pocket of his jeans that he had discarded on the floor in his bedroom, but he wouldn't be calling her. She had been lovely, but Frank felt odd interacting with her when she worked for Brendon Urie. 

After he had landed the job, he approached Marina who had instructed him to reach out to her as soon as he could with the news. She had been ecstatic about Frank being hired and the fact that her plan was so far going smoothly. Upon meeting with her, she gave Frank the materials he needed in order to gather as much information as he could during his stay with Gerard Way. He had been given an audio recorder to carry with him at all times, along with a camera for pictures and for him to record any footage that he can, but there was nothing else too special. To be honest, Frank had expected devices out of a spy movie, but perhaps he had thought too highly about this task and footage and audio recordings were enough proof to expose anyone, no other extremes were necessary. He prayed he wouldn't slip up and get caught, there was a high chance that his job would be on the line if he didn't go through with the plan successfully. Frank stared at the camera in his hands for a long time after he arrived home, turning it over and over again in his hands while his stomach tied itself in knots.

Frank had just finished packing his last bag when his phone vibrated with a text from an unknown number, but the same area code his own number began with.

Hey Frank, it's Gerard, I'll be swinging by your apartment in about 20 minutes with my driver xx

Frank's eyebrows pulled together and he went to reply to his new boss's text. 

Don't you need my address?

Gerard's reply was immediate.

Your address is in your record, honey. Hope you're packed and ready!

After saving Gerard's number to his phone, Frank continued to fold and pack away a few more of his shirts into one of his gym bags. His new job did require him living in the same home as Gerard, but he would also be allowed to keep his apartment to return to on his days off or if he had some sort of emergency, that he was thankful for because storing furniture and finishing payments was such a pain, especially if he wasn't going to have this job for very long. After quite a while of thinking, he decided to zip up his guitar into a carrier bag to take with him since he figured he couldn't take his tiny recording studio set up that was cramped in his bedroom. He could live with putting a pause on creating his demos, but music was a necessity for him or else he would go just a little insane. It was his acoustic guitar since he was more than sure his electric guitar would be a bit of an annoyance if he played it in a house that wasn't his. It would suffice for now.

Just after Frank had dragged all of his bags into the living room, there was a knock at the front door that made him nearly drop one of his duffel bags. Setting it down on the sofa, Frank went and opened up the door to reveal a tall man with dark hair, dressed in a suit, sunglasses covering his eyes and an earpiece in his ear. Frank felt himself growing nervous until the man smiled reassuringly at him, holding his hand out to be shaken.

"You must be Frank Iero. My name is Dallon, I work for Gerard." He introduced himself and his tone was as kind as his smile, which put Frank at ease and allowed his hand to touch Dallon's for a handshake. 

"Yeah, nice to meet you." Frank drew his hand back and bit his lip for a moment. "Is the car out front?"

"Yes, I am here to help you gather your things to put them in the trunk." Dallon nodded.

"Sure, thanks, man." Frank pointed to his things sitting in his living room, backing away from the door in their direction. "I'll grab a few things and my guitar, are you good with the rest?"

"Of course, sir, it's my job." Dallon smiled briefly and entered the apartment. 

The two of them gathered the bags in an equal divide - well, Frank pretended it was an equal divide, he added an extra strap over his shoulder so Dallon wouldn't be hassled with a lot of his things. The man led the way down the stairwell after Frank locked up his apartment he would miss sleeping in every night and he was lead to the apartment complex parking lot where the vehicle was waiting for them. Frank was momentarily starstruck by the long and sleek black limousine amongst the other cars including his own - which, he was told by Brendon he would send two people to come and gather it to bring it back to the house. He didn't quite understand why he couldn't drive himself to the house, but he didn't want to seem like he was ungrateful for the help he was receiving.

Frank meant to help Dallon out with placing his things in the trunk, but the driver waved away his reaching hands and instead went to open the back door for him so he could sit inside. Frank quietly thanked him and took a seat inside the air conditioned car and onto the leather seats, the door clicking shut beside him. It smelled of cigarettes and tropical air freshener inside, although in the battle of such strong scents, the latter was not winning. Frank looked at the seats across from him to see his new boss sitting there with his legs crossed, inhaling the smoke from a cigarette balanced between two pale fingers. Frank's heart started to race with nerves when a pair of clouded and dark hazel green eyes looked up at him. 

Gerard took the cigarette away from his pursed lips and grinned widely at Frank, leaning over to crack open the window and allow the smoke to escape. "Mr. Iero, it's a pleasure to make your acquaintance again." He giggled slyly in his throat, settling back against the seat and crossing his jean clad legs again.

"It's nice to see you again too, boss." Frank nodded politely and tried to keep himself from shaking.

"Ugh, don't call me that. Gerard is fine, boss makes me feel like a balding mafia man." Gerard glanced up at the ceiling and stretched up to open the sun roof. While he was stretching, his Misfits t-shirt that had already been cut into a crop top crept further up his body and showed off his protruding ribs and an expanse of pale, flawless skin. Over his crop top was a jacket made of authentic leather with chains hanging off the sleeves in a looping pattern, spikes decorating the shoulder pads. His lack jeans were ridiculously tight, which was possibly the reason why the studded leather belt he wore was hanging loosely off his hips just for style. 

Gerard settled back down and brought his cigarette to his lips again, reaching into his pocket and pulling out a pack. "Do you want one?" Gerard held the pack out to Frank.

Frank shifted uncomfortably, pretending to be distracted with putting on his seatbelt. "Ah, no thank you. I quit two years ago."

"Oh." Gerard sounded surprised, but asked no questions. He shoved the pack inside the pocket of his jacket. 

Frank watched through the tinted windows as Dallon made his way around the car and to the driver's side after he had finished placing Frank's things in the trunk. Shortly after, the engine rumbled to life again with a soft purr and they were moving.

"Last time I was in one of these cars, I was headed to my senior prom." Frank said softly.

Gerard snorted and gently blew smoke out through his lips. "Cliché much?"

Frank shrugged. "She was rich and wanted it that way. I was a little relieved though, my car was old and would randomly break down sometimes."

Gerard giggled and twisted around in his seat so he was laying with his back against the door and his legs stretched out in front of him. He was lacking seatbelt protection, but Frank didn't worry too much since the ride shouldn't have been a long one. 

"Today is my first day off in a while." Gerard noted and threw his cigarette out the window carelessly. Frank held back a cringe of concern for the greenery they were driving past. "After I get you situated in the house, I'm going out later. Would you like to join me?"

Frank tried not to be surprised at the invitation, but his face must have hid nothing because Gerard was grinning at him again. "Where are you going?"

"Just a club downtown, reserved for people like me. I can just tell the guys you work for me and they'll let you in without a word." Gerard's eyes twinkled, despite their strange haziness and dilated pupils.

"I don't drink much." Frank fiddled with his thumbs. He didn't mean to sound like such a goody two shoes in front of someone who must have enjoyed partying, but he lived a fairly calm lifestyle and he was uneasy about being suddenly thrown into the world of parties and night clubs.

"You're too clean for your own good, Frank." Gerard pouted. "Don't you want to live a little?"

"I had my time in high school and dorm parties in college, I really would rather not start waking up in random beds again next to people I don't know." Frank refrained from rolling his eyes. He remembered his high school experiences with weed and those awful dreadlocks he had done when he was drunk out of his mind. Not to mention waking up with random people whether they had crazy, hazed sex or they were too stoned to do anything other than make out before they knocked out.

"Oh, were you one of the cool dudes who fucked all the girls?" Gerard smirked, taking his bottom lip between his teeth in a way much too seductive for Frank's comfort. 

"More like the stoner guy you don't remember sleeping with because you were too drunk to realize he wasn't the dude you were ogling all night." Frank held back a smile.

"Well, you aren't that stoner guy anymore, so what do you say about going out with me tonight? If you're working for me, you need to loosen up a little. It'll be good for you." Gerard raised his eyebrows without dropping his smirk.

Frank was still extremely hesitant about accepting the offer. He hadn't done anything of the sort in such a long time, he was too occupied spending Friday nights eating Chinese takeout and making music until he passed out at three in the morning. But he did have to keep tabs on Gerard, maybe he could capture something if he went with him.

"Alright." Frank agreed, making the latter squeal with excitement. "But I'm not getting drunk, a few drinks is enough for me."

"Of course." Gerard waved him off and pulled another cigarette out of his pack.

Not five minutes later, Frank peered out the window to see the car was approaching a three story house painted in lovely shades of cream and white. There was a white iron gate protecting the front, one that swung open slowly as the car pulled up in front of the house. Traveling down the curved driveway, Frank could see the freshly cut grass and the marble fountain out in in the front, two lovers holding each other with a spew of water coming from both of their heads. They stopped between the large pillars in front of the house and the tall double doors with the glass window implanted into it and the knobs Frank was sure made of real gold seeing as Gerard was one of the richest models in the entire world. The windows were wide and arched, the Frank could see the cream colored curtains concealing the inside from the outside the dividers were glistening gold. All of the windows appeared the same, the entire home looked so expensive that Frank's eyes felt like they wanted to tear up.

"Welcome home." Gerard glanced out the window and smiled slightly.

Dallon opened the car door to let Gerard and Frank out just as the front double doors and a small woman in a white uniform dress stepped out and stood beside the tall man like she was waiting for her orders. 

"Melanie, help Dallon take Frank's stuff up to his room, remember the one I showed you last night?" Gerard asked her.

"Yes, sir, I'll be glad to help." She nodded and smiled sweetly at Frank. "Welcome." 

"Thank you." Frank waved slightly.

"Follow me, sugar. I'll escort you to your room." Gerard gestured for Frank to follow him as he climbed up the three concrete steps and inside his home. Frank followed, and as he stepped inside, he was blown away by the beauty of the house.

The entire floor was an expanse of milky white vinyl tile, the walls were painted white with multiple movie posters signed by the people who had starred in them. Hanging from the ceiling was an antique crystal chandelier, all of the jewels glistening in the sunlight streaming inside the room. The entry to the kitchen was a wide arch that made it look so much more inviting, Frank was in awe over the shining black marble countertops he would see from where he stood and the cabinets with glass doors showing off the wine glasses and golden goblets. There was greenery all around the house, potted plants with dwindling vines of green leaves and pots of lovely lavender on the surfaces. Frank followed Gerard up the white vinyl stairs, his hand brushing against the sturdy black railing that glowed dully due to its matte finish. Frank glanced around to see the many lights imbedded into the ceiling and then down again, spotting the paintings hung around the house with colors matching the green, white and black theme the household harbored. 

"Just down this hallway on the second floor, this floor and the other are where all the bedrooms are." Gerard told Frank as they made their way down a hall with white doors and black lever style doorknobs. There were more movie posters up here, but these were not signed - well, except for the large frame from the Titanic signed by Leonardo Dicaprio himself. Frank wondered how the hell you could run into Leonardo Dicaprio and so conveniently have a Titanic poster for him to sign. 

"Here we go." Gerard opened up the second door to the last, stepping in with a tiny giggle. Frank stepped in as well, looking around to see what type of beauty was in here. The bed was centered and against the wall, a large king sized bed with pure white sheets and a canopy hanging above it, a black headboard behind the many pillows. The walls were painted white, but the wall where the wide window was building into was decorated with black swirls mimicking tree branches and tiny leaves. The floor was carpet instead of the hard flooring outside, there was also a walk in closet and a dresser against the right wall. There were two beside tables, one with an arched desk lamp and the other with two unlit candles and a box of tissues which he found convenient. The window also gave him a view out to the garden in the back, the trimmed hedges and the trees with leaves waving slightly in the breeze.

"It's beautiful." Frank breathed. He moved out of the way when Dallon and Melanie entered the room, setting down his things on the bed for him.

"I live to please." Gerard leaned against the dresser, swaying his body slightly and looking at Frank.

"Do you have your car keys so Melanie and I can set out for your car, sir?" Dallon asked Frank.

Frank nodded, patting his pockets until he pulled out his keys along with his tiny bloody chainsaw keychain. He blushed slightly when Dallon cracked a smile and left the room with Melanie trailing behind him.

"Alright then, now that you're here," Gerard opened the top drawer of the dresser, pulling out a few things. "I need to go over some things with you."

"Sure." Frank sat on the edge of his bed, admiring how it slowly sunk in under his weight. The sheets were also plenty soft and padded, he ran his hand over the surface discreetly.

"Lucky for you, you get paid two hundred dollars an hour in a total of twelve hours a day or more depending in how long each task takes, excluding days off of course, and you get a full two weeks of vacation time." Gerard pulled out a Blackberry phone, crossing the room and handing it to Frank along with a planner he had in his other hand. "These two are strictly for work, the phone is so you don't have to use your own and overfill it with random contacts."

Frank took the phone, seeing his reflection in the brand new screen, and placed that and the planner beside him. 

"There is also an earpiece since holding a phone while you're busy is a pain in the ass." Gerard grinned sideways and handed him the earpiece to him.

"Do I need to have this in my ear at all times?" Frank asked.

"Only on work days where it's very busy." Gerard stepped closer, placing his hands on his exposed hips. " And we usually wake up at six in the morning with the exception of days off where you can sleep until two and no one will bother you. Oh, and I hope you have a passport for when we need to travel. Fashion is worldwide, sugar."

"I have one." Frank nodded, although he bit his tongue to prevent himself from saying he was afraid of plane rides. He looked up at Gerard who was smirking slightly, cocking his head to the side.

"Are you afraid of heights or something, I saw your expression change."

"No! No, it's fine," Frank shook his head and stood up, running his hand through his hair that was starting to curl more than usual since it was humid and cloudy outdoors. "Planes are just kind of intimidating."

"Mm, I'll hold your hand, honey." Gerard leaned in real close, tugging Frank's shirt collar and his lips nearly brushed over Frank's. "Make sure to be dressed and ready, we head out in two hours."

"Uh," Frank felt his mind go blank for a second seeing as he was close to trembling with fear at their close proximity. Gerard raised his eyebrows, eyes flickering down to his lips.

"Sure thing." Frank pulled away uncomfortably with a racing heart and flushed cheeks. Gerard pouted when he stepped away, but that quickly twisted into a sly smile he flashed before he gave Frank a wave and walked out of the room with the confidence of, well, a model.

Frank would be having a hard time doing his job if Gerard kept hitting on him so often. It was one thing for Frank to find him beautiful and every other word involving beauty, but it was a whole other thing for him to want to kiss Gerard, even lure the model into bed with him. He was certain Gerard was only looking for a good time and this was teasing, but Frank was uncomfortable with it despite his body's reaction. He had just met the man and he was his assistant, how unprofessional would it be if they did anything together?

Frank unpacked his bags and put his clothes away in the large walk in closet that had already been stored with hangers, and he was more than surprised to see bagged up tuxedos and different dark colored button up shirts inside, all of them with the tags still attached along with a small note from Gerard explaining how these were for special occasions. He had smiled and got to hanging his other shirts up, wondering how he would look in one of those tuxedos. It had been such a long time since he wore one. 

After putting away the rest of his clothes, Frank set out an outfit for the night when it started to get dark outside. He had spent enough time unpacking and it was appropriate for him to get dressed now, but he wanted to shower first and he realized he had no clue where the restroom was. He stepped out to see if he could find Gerard anywhere, and to his luck, Gerard was just walking down the hallway in only his crop top and a pair of tiny jean shorts he tried his best not to stare at.

"Hey, um, Gerard?" Frank asked in a tone meeker than he had meant for it to sound.

Gerard turned around with an apple in his hand as he took a bite of it, his eyebrows raised. "Yeah?"

"Where's the restroom?" 

"Oh!" Gerard pointed down the hall. "Last door to your right, must have slipped my mind to show you. Towels are on the racks - and, don't mind the panties hanging to dry on the towel hanger." He patted Frank's shoulder as he walked past him. "They're mine."

When Frank entered the largest bathroom he had ever been in, he indeed catch an eyeful of the bright pink lace panties hanging from the metal towel hanger against the back of the door. He blushed bright red, turning away from the underwear and beginning to strip of his clothes.

Who knew Gerard Way was such a whirlwind.


	5. A Happy Drunk Is an Unhappy Soul

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All Gerard wanted was to have a good time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Trigger warnings for you guys: if you have or had issues with ED's or alcoholism, please read with caution. Stay safe.

Gerard had a belief that if you could barely breathe in the dress you were wearing, then it was perfectly tight enough and there was no other way it should feel. Of course, not all of his dresses stretched over his body like a second skin, but he only felt truly gorgeous in the ones he struggled with while tugging over himself. He wasn't always the biggest fan of his body, there were many days where he glanced in the mirror and saw nothing but an abundance of fat despite everyone admiring what lovely curves he had and how flat his stomach was. That was the art of skipping a few meals, he ended up with a lovely flat plane where fat used to gather, but with his original body type, he could eat one unhealthy meal and there was a bulge protruding from his lower stomach. He hated these tendencies, yet at the same time he hated to give anything up, which all resulted in a couple of fatal flaws about himself that he kept private at all times.

Gerard placed his hands on his hips as he looked into the mirror this evening. His hands ran over the smooth silk hugging his body like a vise and he knew that if he had breasts, this dress would be resting at his waist. The dress was pitch black and shimmery in the lighting, ending right at his mid thigh, making his pale skin appear as white as snow. The sleeves were off the shoulder and the neckline went straight across the top of his chest before dividing in the middle and plunging down to the middle of his chest, flashing the milky white skin underneath. There were large red rose designs going across his waist, dwindling down to the bottom of the skirt on the stitching of a green, spiraling vine, and the red was exceptionally bright against such a deep shade of black. He had purchased the dress at some boutique in France about a year ago and he had yet to wear it, and now it was wrapped around his body, he felt absolutely radiant. 

His red hair was a free disarray of waves on his head since he didn't want to show up to a club looking too formal for his own good, and he had decided against wearing large stiletto heels as he would if he were going to a different event. Instead, he wore leather ankle boots with tiny metal studs going along the sides of them, the heel wasn't too large where he wouldn't be able to dance and he made sure of it. Adjusting his dark rose pendant necklace around his neck, he grabbed his leather jacket and other belongings before heading out the door to see if Frank was ready.

After he was downstairs, he heard voices in the kitchen, both of them familiar and capturing his attention. Stepping in, he drank in the sight of Melanie slicing a watermelon as Frank sat at the counter across from her, looking as attractive as ever in those jeans and loosely buttoned charcoal colored shirt. He also had a leather jacket hanging on the back of his seat, and fuck, Gerard couldn't help but lick his lips as Frank ran a hand through his dark hair and took his bottom lip between his teeth. The man could easily be a model himself, Gerard was surprised he had been exposed to this industry without any offers. Gerard whistled smoothly, capturing both person's attention.

"Lookin' good, honey, and that's coming from me." Gerard giggled and brushed a lock of his hair away from his face. "Are you ready?"

"Yeah, all set." Frank chuckled nervously, his eyes skimming quickly over Gerard's body for a second before he switched the direction of his gaze down to the floor while he stood to gather his jacket. Gerard really didn't blame him for sneaking a curious glance, he knew he looked good and all eyes would eventually be on him anyway. 

"Melanie, make sure you lock up before you leave tonight. We for sure aren't coming back before ten." Gerard instructed, and the small girl nodded with one of her childishly innocent smiles. 

After gathering his keys, Gerard led Frank out to the front where the limousine was waiting for them, along with Dallon who opened the car door as soon as they had stepped out. Gerard let Frank slide in first, then he turned and looked up at Dallon with a smirk on his face.

"Going off to see Spencer again while you wait for us?" Gerard raised a teasing eyebrow.

Dallon tried to keep his expression casual, but the smile ghosting at the corners of his lips gave him away entirely. "Maybe, I haven't asked if he's free tonight."

"Hm, maybe you can finally get laid again. I know you were being so kind and giving all the attention to me last time." Gerard looked up at Dallon through his dark lashes, his hand trailing over the other man's arm. 

"Come on, Gee, while the night is still young." Dallon rolled his eyes in a playful manner, opening the door wider and gesturing for him to climb inside. With one last smile, Gerard slid onto the leather seats and the door shut gently behind him.

Frank was sitting across from Gerard, his thin eyebrows raising in a questioning and shocked manner. "And that?"

Gerard shrugged, pulling a flask out of his jacket pocket and unscrewing the lid. "We fuck sometimes, no big deal." He brought the liquor flask to his smiling lips and took a small sip - just to get him warmed up for tonight.

"You fuck Melanie too?" Frank asked, but his voice had been lowered a considerable amount since Gerard was most likely not meant to hear that. It didn't bother him, however, so he answered with honesty.

"Wouldn't even consider it, she acts like a kid most of the time, and she looks twelve rather than in her twenties." Gerard pocketed his flask again. "I don't fuck everything that breathes."

"I didn't think so, I was just wondering out loud." Frank blushed a soft pink and Gerard found that adorable, even though blushing often got on his nerves since he always saw it as something a weak and vulnerable person does.

"So, Frank," Gerard crossed his legs just as the car started moving. "You lookin' to find yourself a hot one tonight?"

Frank bit his pink bottom lip, shaking his head quickly. "I'm not really looking for a relationship right now."

Gerard snorted at his understanding of what he had asked him. He leaned back against the seats and laughed. "I didn't mean a lifetime commitment, I meant someone to take home!" 

Frank's eyes widened with realization, and as soon as that sunk in, his nose wrinkled at the thought of it. "No, I don't . . . do things like that. I'm not comfortable with strangers touching me."

"Germaphobe?"

"Slightly." Frank winced and folded his hands together in his lap. What a fucking gentleman, Gerard hoped he wouldn't be getting bored with him because of that.

"We'll see if you change your mind once we get to the club, I know plenty of other models who go there that I could set you up with." 

"Aren't you afraid of, I don't know, being found by the media in such a public place?" Frank asked softly, twiddling his thumbs.

"This is a club just for models and other celebrities, it's completely concealed by a hideous restaurant for that exact reason. It's why the papps can never find me." Gerard's lips smoothed over into a smirk. He always concealed himself as best as he could so no one would ever find him during his private time, he hated being chased down by those vile people with cameras and their invasive questions. He hated them and everyone associated with magazines that pried over celebrities like they were the public's dinner. There was no way his personal life was being served on a silver platter like that, he held pride in staying hidden for long.

"If that's the case, then I think it's appropriate for me to say I'm nervous." Frank chuckled softly, running a nervous hand through his hair. 

"You are fucking hot, honey, I assure you that you have no reason to be intimidated."

___

The club was bathed in purple and green lighting, flashing over the flawless skin of the men and women swaying on the dance floor that lit up to the beat of the music thudding through the speakers. It was so loud and the bass so intense that the it felt like it was coming from the core of the earth, sliding up the walls, living in the ceiling. The place smelled strongly of liquor and other sweet things, and while Gerard and Frank passed by one of the roped off lounges, the scent of freshly smoked weed wafted in the atmosphere. There were no doubt other drugs here, Gerard was licking his lips where he caught sight of a blonde model taking a line of cocaine from one of the glass tables. He had only taken two small lines earlier, his body was craving more of the substance again, even more now that he had seen it. But he pushed his gnawing need aside and led Frank over to one of the booth rings off to the side where they could have a few drinks.

"What do you feel like having, Frankie?" Gerard asked as he fell onto the red plush seat with a thud, his legs crossing as he leaned back.

"Uh, what do they have here?" Frank sat down across from Gerard, glancing around nervously. Gerard liked how light his eyes appeared when the lights flashed over his face, it was like they absorbed the purple and green shining into them, two dazzling jewels under the perfect lighting.

"Everything." Gerard smirked, leaning his cheek into his palm.

"Oh, then I guess I'll just get a Bloody Mary?" Frank didn't sound too confident in his order, but Gerard cut him a bit of slack since it had been a while since the latter had drank anything.

Gerard beckoned for one of the waiters to come over. He ordered Frank's drink and also his own, which was two honey whiskey shots. The liquor itself was very sweet since it had real honey poured as an even amount with the alcohol, but it tasted like liquid gold and Gerard really wanted something warm in his system right about now. 

"So, Frank, what do you do besides being a charming assistant?" Gerard asked, leaning his head in his hands with a smile on his lips.

Frank smiled slightly. his eyes casting down to the table in front of them. "I write on the side. Music and poetry, I used to do photography but I lost interest when I wanted to focus on the other two."

"If you tell me you write country music, then you're fired." Gerard said this in a teasing tone of voice, but in all honesty, he detested country music and if Frank wrote such a thing, then it would be quite a turn off for him.

"No, god no." Frank laughed, flashing his pearly white teeth. "I don't really know how to put it. I guess it's alternative rock, some punk rock, I used to write some pretty hardcore songs that was basically just me yelling my frustrations into a microphone. It varies from song to song." 

Gerard was surprised he didn't pop a hard on at the table right then and there; in fact he managed to create a mildly impressed expression in reply to Frank's statement. Things such as his music taste were things he liked to keep to himself since they were parts of his personality that he never showed to anyone except for Brendon, and that man had been around for a few years, of course Gerard trusted him to see those sides of him. But there was a Gerard that was buried six feet underground, the Gerard on the surface was so different from the original person. He wasn't exactly two faced, but often, he was not truly himself. 

"Sweet, is it only lyrics or the whole thing?" Gerard swallowed down the temptation to ask Frank if he enjoyed other bands of those genres, just to see if they enjoyed the same things. 

"Everything, I really want to get my stuff out there one day." Frank smiled softly, looking off to the side with his dream as clear as day in his eyes. Before he could say any more, the waiter came over with a tray of their drinks, setting them down onto the table.

"Oh, hey, before you go," Gerard started and pushed his shots closer to him. "Do you think I could get some food here? I know your menu and all, I come here often."

"What would you like?" The waiter pulled out a notepad and a pen from the apron tied around his waist.

"Can I get mozzarella sticks with some fries, and those good tatertots you have. Oh, and I'll have those tiny little pizzas, you know, those four little cheese ones?"

The waiter nodded, writing it all down in a flourish. "Anything else?"

"Send over two more of these little honey whiskey shots, thank you. You want anything, Frankie?" Gerard glanced over at the man who was staring at Gerard with rounded eyes, his lips moving into a surprised smile. 

"I'll just get some fries, thank you." Frank breathed, and when the waiter walked away with their order, he leaned in slightly. "How do you fit all of that in your body? Where does it go?"

"Magic! It's my binge weekend, I manage pretty well." Gerard grinned, taking one of his shots and swallowing all of the smooth, spiced liquor in one swig. It wasn't like the food was going to stay in his system for very long, not that Frank was required to know this. Gerard licked his lips, tasting the sweetness of the honey and moaning quietly at how the drink had coated his throat so nicely. 

Frank laughed, his teeth sparkling in the bright lights, and he sipped at his own red beverage. 

"I could give you one of the tiny pizzas I ordered if you want, they're a pity to miss out on." Gerard offered through a sideways smile, quirking an eyebrow.

"I would hate to interfere with your weekend binging." Frank politely shook his head despite the humorous tiny grin on his face.

"You, I like you." Gerard leaned across the table, propping up on his elbows until his face was aligned with Frank's, and he could have leaned in to kiss him if he wanted to. He did want to, but he chose against it only because when he kissed anyone, it wasn't just for the kick of it.

"Thanks." Frank blushed as red as a cherry, his eyes only staying on Gerard's eyes until he leaned back and cleared his throat awkwardly. 

Gerard kind of liked that he chose not to look anywhere else.

____

The night was brewing and the music was perhaps too loud for a person who was as wasted as Gerard was during this very moment. The beat would rattle his bones if the volume was turned up even a tiny notch higher. With every movement he made, he felt like he a vibrating, his skin was warm and sweat was building up at his temples as he threw his body into the midst of dancing people in the club. Everyone swayed their bodies in different directions and it was like no one knew what personal space was when they were living inside the music, their fronts and backs pressed against one another. Gerard was smashed up against a very attractive British model he had met just a while ago, the man's hands were on his hips and feeling the gyration of them as Gerard moved his body to the beat of the music, his vision blurry and his chest bubbling with drunken laughter. The guy he was dancing with was also drunk, occasionally nuzzling his neck and kissing it to the point where Gerard's drunken haze was pierced through and he could feel the amazing sensation of lips roaming across his skin. He leaned into the man, pressing their bodies together without any limits, wriggling his hips and throwing his head back.

When he opened his eyes and looked up at the ceiling, it looked like he was peering through a kaleidoscope, watching all of the colors from the lights moving and molding together. Orbs flew across his vision and everything was slowly swaying all of a sudden, he blinked consistently to try and clear the blurred edges of his vision but with no avail. He giggled to himself, the guy he danced with was running his hands over his ass and his hands were a little too warm due to the temperature from all of the sweaty bodies moving around them. He looked back down at the crowd, watching everyone blending into each other like a painting, and for a second he was extremely disoriented because he couldn't exactly decipher any faces. When he squeezed his eyes shut and opened them again, they were there, but smudging with blurriness every other blink he made. 

Gerard had no clue where Frank went. He remembered asking him if he wanted to dance, but the latter had declined and said he was going to stay seated for a little while longer. He could have been sitting in the same spot even though it had been two hours since they had last seen each other, but Gerard hoped to god he was at least getting a handjob somewhere in the club because the man really needed to open himself up, he was such a prude! Gerard hoped he could score at least a handjob tonight as well, preferably from the man who was mouthing at his neck and grinding his hips against his thigh. Although, Gerard didn't necessarily feel excited, he felt close to nothing. Maybe tonight he just wasn't in the mood, but something definitely felt off, and he was getting the sensation he had whenever he had forgotten something. His eyebrows knitted together as he struggled to dig through his fucked up head, cursing the alcohol for making him feel slow and warm inside. His dancing partner was hard - he could feel it, but right now it was becoming a little bit of an annoyance while he was trying to think. 

He was spinning, suddenly. No, the room was spinning. Or maybe it was the crowd around him? Everything was moving much too fast, the guy slobbering all over him and holding him too tight and suddenly he was aware of their bodies being crushed together, feeling every line and every detail of even his own body. The flat planes, the way his skin felt, his dress tight over every curve - but there was a bump, a small bump on his stomach that was not there during the beginning of the night. He could suddenly feel it sticking out, his dress straining over what looked small, but felt enormous to him since it was hardly ever there and he made damn well sure of it. It was then that he remembered exactly what he had forgotten to do, the thought spiking anxiety down his spine in a cold torrent. He panicked silently, suddenly feeling much too full when he knew he should have felt hollow and light. The guy was still touching him, grabbing what he could, but Gerard felt disgusting. 

He needed to get it out of him.

He could barely see when he was shoving the guy off of him, pushing through the multiple people on the dance floor. It felt like pushing against a wall, trying to squeeze his way through was making his anxiety soar to the heavens and he was suddenly gasping for breath when he was half way through the crowd. He was pushing, trying not to trip, feeling himself being tossed around in return. Gerard was trying to see straight, but he felt like he was tipping over the entire time and he stumbled, crashing into others, but still somehow moving forward. Once he finally broke through the endless sea of people, he could immediately feel the difference of temperature in the air. He was rushing to the restroom, tears building up in his eyes because he was so damn frustrated that he was so drunk he could barely get his own legs to work. He heard someone calling his name, but he ignored it, reaching the restroom and swinging the door open.

He checked and made sure no one was inside before he burst inside one of the stalls, locking it shut, and falling to his knees in front of the toilet. Immediately, through the stinging tears and the aching relief sprouting through his body, he shoved two of his fingers down his throat until his gag reflex was triggered and he gave into his addictive release once again. Once everything was being emptied out and he felt it leaving his body, he became lighter, but there was still the part in which he detested everything he did and how careless he was with his eating habits. He was a model, for fuck's sake, and he couldn't even help himself to keep that label. All he felt was an abundance of extra weight around his hips and his stomach, making him softer than he should have felt, and the sight of it was disgusting to him. He needed to be thin enough, he just had to and he couldn't even explain why. Tears streamed down his face in warm torrents over his clammy skin and everything felt much too warm inside his skin tight dress. 

He gasped for air once he was finally finished, panting over the porcelain bowl he was leaning into and his hands grasped the filthy sides of it. He must have been crawling with germs, and the uneven texture of the hard ground below his knees was making them ache and possibly bruise from how harshly he had landed on them. Heat was flushing his body in waves, his head was still spinning and his mouth tasted awful. The world had now stopped spinning, but everything was still blurry because he was now crying hysterically, every fiber of his being was screaming at him for how disgusting and pathetic he was for falling into this deadly habit, and worse, giving into it every time it called to him. He squeezed his eyes shut tight, his arms trembling, his stomach now feeling much too empty. 

The door to the bathroom creaked open suddenly and the sound of soft footsteps followed the noise. Gerard immediately forced himself to stop crying, tugging at the toilet paper from the dispenser to wipe his filthy mouth. Along with the residue of his horrible habit, his lip stain slid off his lips, and he didn't think he cared enough to search for it and reapply it to his lips. He sniffed softly as the footsteps of the person entering the bathroom drew closer to the stalls. Flushing the toilet, he looked away from the swirling vomit in disgust and wiped away his tears with another folded piece of toilet paper.

"Gerard?" A soft, familiar voice called from behind the door of Gerard's stall. "Are you alright, you didn't look so good coming in here."

It was Frank checking up on him. Gerard shut his eyes tight, balling up the piece of toilet paper in his hand. He didn't dare tell Frank the truth, he was already embarrassed that, of all people, his personal assistant had seen him rushing to the bathroom with a face no doubt the color green. He licked his dry lips, drawing in a shaky breath and willing himself to speak. 

"Uh, yeah." Gerard's voice broke a bit, causing him to wince. "I just drank too much, I got nauseous."

"Do you need any help?" Frank asked, worry coloring in every inch of his soft yet deeply toned voice.

"I'm okay." Gerard shakily stood up to his knees, supporting himself by planting his hands on the walls. "I think we need to go home now." 

"I called Dallon to come get us before I came in here, he should be outside any minute." Frank was outside the stall, Gerard could see his shoes underneath the door. 

"Sure thing."

He wiped away a bead of sweat rolling down the side of his face, feeling his skin was burning up, and he still felt a bit woozy from the amount of alcohol he had taken in. Sucking in a gulp of fresh air for his lungs to savor, he turned around and unlocked the stall. The door swung open and Gerard looked up to see Frank standing there, looking a little disheveled and there was a rather large lipstick stain on his jawline. Gerard wanted to giggle, but it came out as a strange, weak exhale and a wobbly smile. 

"Jesus, Gerard, I told you to slow down on the drinking." Frank mumbled, wrapping his arm around Gerard's shoulders to support him when he wobbled inside the steps he took.

"I don't listen to anyone." Gerard was trying not to pay attention to how much Frank smelled like another woman's perfume, but the sugary scent was making his head spin all over again.

"Let's get you home." Frank said softly, pushing the bathroom door open and carefully leading Gerard through the club. The last thing Gerard remembered was being carefully set down onto the leather seats of a familiar limo and a warm leather jacket being laid over his shivering body, then everything else was lost into oblivion the second he passed out.


	6. Fear of Trying

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Everyone has emotions, even the ones we least expect them from.

Frank was shaking the next morning. He had woken up especially early, knowing Gerard would not be awake during those hours due to his intense drinking episode the night before, and left the house to head to his work building. Today, he would be turning in footage and solid evidence of Gerard's wild night to Marina, footage and a photograph of the aftermath of the night when Gerard had passed out drunk in the backseat of the limousine. There was also the club that was hidden away for celebrities only, and though he felt guilt building up in his stomach the more he thought about the paparazzi finding this place and ruining its purpose, Frank needed to turn in as much information as he could if he wanted to be paid correctly. He had captured Gerard in his drunken state, dancing with a man he didn't know, rushing to the bathroom in a dire need to puke because of how much he consumed. Frank was concerned the entire night while watching Gerard drink shot after shot, all until he was slurring his speech and trying to kiss him. He pushed Gerard away every time, he couldn't stand the smell of alcohol coming off of him or the way his wandering hands were trying to get ahold of him. After Gerard had walked away to pursue a man that had been staring at him from across the bar, he moved to the back where he danced with some woman near Gerard just to keep an eye on him, unfortunately being kissed and rubbed on while doing the task. The model was hard to keep track of, but not impossible.

Marina was ecstatic with what Frank captured. Shocked as well, of course, seeing the world's most perfect person stumbling and looking green was quite a contrast from the airbrushed images nailed onto billboards. But it was perfect for their project and Frank was praised, being paid in advance before he was sent out to look deeper into the private life of Gerard Way. His key task was to gain his trust, there was no other way he could get to the bottom of the truth without being discovered. Marina said it would be best to take advantage of Gerard's flirtatious and sexual nature to get onto his better side, but when he showed discomfort towards the subject, Marina suggested he could pretend to show interest, but never take it to an extreme level where they would be intimate. Frank was still incredibly uncertain. There were other ways to gain someone's trust, but Gerard didn't exactly seem like the type of man to make friends and share his life story with them. He was only truly interested in himself.

Frank could already tell something was stirring underneath Gerard's unhealthy habits. No normal person could consume that much alcohol in just a few hours, not without passing out instantly or vomiting all over themselves. Somehow, Gerard had managed to walk, to dance, and to see where he was going after drinking more than Frank had in years. He wasn't going to jump to any conclusions just yet, but something was definitely floating underneath the surface and he was supposed to figure out what it was without selling himself out. The job was difficult, and earning a person's entire trust was difficult. The entire ordeal had Frank chewing his lip nervously as he sat in his car in the parking lot of his work building, turning over all of his thoughts and thinking of ways to become more than just an acquaintance and assistant to the model.

On his way back, it was already a decent enough hour to assume that Gerard was going to wake up or be woken up soon. He pulled into a coffee shop drive thru and purchased a coffee for Gerard, along with a small orange juice that was told to be a relief drink for hangovers. Of course, it wouldn't cure the hangover, but he hoped it would help just a little bit because Gerard was bound to have a headsplitting headache the entire day. He drank his own coffee on the drive back just to erase some of the guilt he felt. The caffeine didn't do much at all for him, normally is something bothered him, a simple little thing wasn't enough to take it away from him mind. When he pulled back into the driveway of the huge house he now lived in, he sighed and gathered himself for a moment before he went inside.

He found Gerard sitting at the kitchen bar with his head down on the cool marble, his arms spread out in front of him. He was dressed in a cream colored silk robe that barely went to his knees, it was loosely tied and the neckline hung open to show off the snowy white underneath. His hair was a tangled, greasy mess and he looked absolutely miserable in the way he was slumped.

"Good morning, Gerard." Frank greeted, his voice soft as not to hurt Gerard's head. Any other voice level during a hangover was nails on a chalkboard, that much he knew.

Gerard grunted in reply, not lifting his head from the counter. Frank smiled slightly, setting down the cupholder on the counter and pulling out the drinks. "Did you get enough rest?"

"Enough rest would mean sleeping for the rest of the week." Gerard's voice sounded deeper, gravely and thick. He finally lifted his head up, his eyes fluttering open as he looked at Frank. His face was a grayish pale that didn't look healthy at all, circles had formed under his eyes, and his lips were dry and cracked from dehydration. He looked terrible, but in a non-healthy sort of way - Frank didn't think anything could take away his beauty. 

"I brought you coffee." Frank slid over the lidded up that still felt warm to the touch. "And some orange juice, I heard it helps with hangovers."

Gerard, looking tired and cranky, glanced down at the objects that were handed to him. For a moment, it looked like his face softened, but in a split second, he was back to having a tight thin line as his lips and his lids heavy over his eyes.

"Thank you." Gerard sighed, picking up the coffee and bringing the drink to his lips. Once the coffee slid down his throat, he groaned softly in relief and his eyebrows drew together, tongue swiping over his lips in an oddly sexual way that had Frank shifting and looking the other way.

"Do you, uh. Want any painkillers?" Frank asked, his fingers threading through his own hair.

"I already took some." Gerard sighed, placing his elbow on the counter and placing his cheek into the palm of his hand. 

"Without eating?" Frank raised his eyebrows.

"I've taken worse without eating." Gerard mumbled, tracing his finger along the side of the cup.

"I could make something for you, if you want." Frank knew he was practically kissing his boss's ass, and for a horrible reason, but he managed to swallow down the guilt and keep at it by keeping an exaggerated concerned expression on his face. Of course he did care, but it wasn't exactly his job to take care of a grown man he barely knew.

Gerard smiled slightly, just a soft upturning of his pale lips, and began to stand up. He took his two drinks in his hands, crossing the space between him and Frank to lean in and place a kiss on Frank's cheek.

"I appreciate the offer, but I'm fine recovering on my own as if I haven't done that enough times." Gerard pulled away, his smile turning into a smirk, and he backed away slowly. Frank was blushing despite himself after feeling the brush of Gerard's lips against his cheek. He nodded quickly, fiddling with his fingers.

"You still have a photoshoot later this evening, are you up for it or would you like me to cancel it?" Frank tried to keep his voice from shaking.

"It's already canceled. Brendon stopped by when you were gone earlier, chewed me out for getting drunk again." Gerard rolled his eyes and sighed deeply. "I can't do anything without that man yelling at me for it like he's my mother."

"Of course." Frank nodded. "Get well, Gerard."

"I always try, honey."

____

Frank believed that music had to come from a place deep inside your heart. Writing about a party or a certain type of fun drug just wasn't enough, if there was no depth then it meant nothing to him. He was the type to pour all of his emotions into music, memories and memories of feelings he kept to himself. It was either all or nothing, he chose to go with all, and every song he created had a significant meaning to it. He could go on for hours over which song was about how he grew up, the way he was pushed around during school, his first crush, the first time he got his heart broken. His lyrics covered his life story, and maybe that was why he set off a few songs to the side to fully create them later when they felt too personal to release when he tried to publish his first demo. The more he got into his career, the more personal he would become, this was a secret vow he made for himself. 

Frank was strumming the chords of his guitar while trying to find a rhythm for a song he was attempting to piece together. For some reason, all of the notes sounded wrong no matter how many times he tuned the guitar and adjusted the order of the chords. Frustration was growing in his chest until he huffed out a sigh and decided to take a break. He placed the guitar to the side and ran his fingers through his hair, rising up and off the bed to go retrieve a glass of water. On his way back down the hall, he was just about to pass Gerard's room without looking inside, but the door was open a crack and a sliver of sunlight escaped from the slanted entrance and casted across the floor. He only had to glance once, one time until his body physically froze at the sight in front of him.

It wasn't often he stopped to stare at someone. In public, at photographs, nothing quite captured and claimed his attention unless it was something he adored, and many times it was not a person, but a guitar or an article about a band he enjoyed listening to. But if there had ever been a picture or snippet of Gerard Way, then something in Frank told him to stop and appreciate what should have been classified as pure art. Modeling, in a sense, was art and it should be treated as such, but the world sexualized and dehumanized these models to the point where they became symbols and examples for society, sending a message most art was not meant to send. Gerard was a victim to this saddening result, and in that, he played the part. Frank saw him as art that deserved to be hung up on the walls, and it was, but he saw the beauty rather than the sexual and revealing clothing he was often put in.

Gerard sat atop his bed, smoking a cigarette that was held between two of his delicate fingers. The remains of the once perfect waves in his hair were free and framed his china doll face like a ring of brilliant fire, matted together in the sunlight pouring into the room. That very sunlight spilled over his smooth skin, not a single pore too large and not one freckle too dark. He was still dressed in that small robe, but now it was hanging open and revealing more of his ivory flesh. His eyes were closed and his lips were parted with the cigarette now coming to rest between them, his head tilting back to inhale the smoke - his neck was revealed, a smooth column delicate enough to have any man craving to mark it. There was a small mark near the curve of his shoulder, a tiny patch of purple that must have been left there from the night before as he danced with the other model in his arms. Gerard crossed one leg over the other, exhaling the smoke in a deep sigh. He licked his doll lips, turning his head to the side, looking into the sunset shining in his window. His eyes were ethereal, swirls of golden green and the dark swirls of brown swimming in his irises. Frank bit his lip, knowing well he was strange for staring at the latter without him knowing.

 

He silently backed away from the door and slipped back to his room, trying to shake off the fact that his heart was beating quicker than it had been before he saw Gerard. There was just something about the man that made him think there was so much more to him than what he showed on the surface. His beauty, he would love to believe it was internal and there were many more things to him than what he had already shown. The cocky aura of confidence seemed artificial, and sometimes, Frank caught glimpses of undetectable emotions swimming in his eyes before he blinked them away and placed a mask over his face once more. 

Frank sank back down onto his bed, deep in thought of ways to unravel the plastic layers wrapping around the true Gerard Way. At the same time, he didn't want to plan such things, especially if they were more so for someone else's benefit. He chewed on his lip and picked up his guitar once more, trying to distract himself with music, but only ending up strumming the same two chords over and over again. Gerard was stirring at the back of his mind, him and his perfect face and fake smile. He was the type of person who would constantly be in your head while attempting to figure out what it was about him that gave you an itch you couldn't scratch. Frank unearthed minor things, clicked them together, but it wasn't enough to solve the puzzle.

Perhaps he was thinking too much into it. He couldn't assume the model was not content and keeping a façade the entire time. Frank would drive himself mad trying to figure him out if this were the case and getting ahead of himself was a possibility. Frank stopped strumming his guitar and settled for rubbing his hand over the side of his face as a sudden wave of stress made his head throb. He wondered what he had gotten himself into and if it was worth it. He could have worked his normal job for a little longer, complete his profits, and move away on his own time. This new task would have his dream coming true much quicker than he had planned, but it wasn't like it wouldn't happen at all if he turned down the task. He was invading someone's privacy, using their friendship to sell their information out to the media they constantly ran away from. It wasn't without reason either. Frank new how invasive and money greedy the industry was, at times he didn't enjoy being a part of it, but the pay was amazing enough to convince him to stay.

Pushing aside his frustration, he forced all thoughts of Gerard aside and went to continue with his guitar. Chord by chord, he created a bit for a chorus he could use in the future, but after repeating it thrice more, it sounded awful and he huffed in pure agitation. Musician's block was a real thing, but he knew that wasn't what was preventing him from putting all of his focus into his work.

As if Frank's train of thought couldn't have been more derailed, the devil himself seemed to have sensed that he was thinking about him. There he stood. Gerard, leaning against the doorframe and twirling the silk ribbon hanging from the bow that tied his robe together, peering in with his head pressing against the wall. 

"Hey stranger." He said, his voice oddly softer and less silkier than Frank was used to hearing it. It sounded so much more natural. 

"Hi." Frank pursed his lips, ghosting his finger over a string on his guitar. 

"Mind if I come in?" Gerard's teeth bit down gently on his bottom lip, but despite the tense action, something about his face was oddly soft. Frank wasn't quite getting the dominating presence vibe from him at the moment and that alone had his stomach flipping over with curiosity. 

"You can come in." Frank nodded his head. 

Gerard slowly moved from the doorway to the side of Frank's bed, his movements meek and, dare he say, self conscious. He rubbed his hand over his forearm, licking his lips, and lifted himself onto Frank's bed. He was staring at him from underneath his lashes as he crawled closer, unknowingly beautiful and seductive. He laid down on the sheets, his head close to Frank's guitar and all the papers spread out around him. His red hair haloed out around him, skin white and lashes long, his robe riding up as he bent his legs with his feet flat on the mattress and revealing his feminine underwear. But it seemed so natural, this was natural for him, and Frank was brewing under the surface over it. 

Gerard folded his hands across his stomach and sighed internally. He turned his head and looked up at Frank. "Working on your music?" His eyes flickered to the guitar Frank was grasping too tightly. 

Frank loosened his grip, his cheeks flushing red in a hot second. "Uh, yeah. Actually, it's more like me trying to write a decent tune but trashing everything I end up with."

Gerard chuckled, smiling slightly. The sun was hitting his eyes right about now, just a slanted angle of it over the top of his face. Ethereal, especially as his face softened when the laughter faded and they became clouded emeralds framed by thick black lashes. 

Frank wished he wasn't so beautiful. Then maybe his task would be easier. 

"Can you play something for me?" Gerard snapped back into a fraction of his normal self. The teasing look in his eyes, a hint of a smirk twitching the corners of his lips. 

"What do you want to hear?" Frank ran his fingers along the neck of the guitar. 

"Something you wrote. I don't care, I just want to hear you play." Gerard looked up towards the ceiling. Waiting for Frank to decide. 

Frank shuffled through his pages of songs and unfinished bridges, trying to find one decently done with to play. He felt a bit nervous, wondering if Gerard was picky in his music or if he was judgmental. Frank wasn't used to playing such private songs for people either, but something told him he needed to get over this fear if he ever wanted to become a musical artist. He cleared his throat, finding an appropriate song, and setting it in front of him.

He strummed the chords with his eyes closed, knowing the song by heart. It was one of his favorites that spoke to him most, also one of the only songs he completed in one go without going back and picking it apart. It was perfect the way it was, in need of no alteration, and he could feel his soul bleeding into the movements of his callused fingers. Frank even forgot Gerard was listening after he reached the middle of the song, he often got lost in his own world when he played. He could only imagine what it would be like to one day perform his music in front of hundreds of people, hearing them singing the lyrics back to him through their smiling lips, reaching out to him with their open and trusting hands. It sounded like heaven, nothing short of a dream, and something he ached to obtain.

Frank was humming the lyrics towards the end. He hadn't felt in touch his with voice when he started, but now, it was ghosting at the back of his throat. His fingers went over the E chord, then the A, back the E, dropping to the B and so forth. He remember writing this entire song during a late night episode when depression and insomnia were swallowing him whole. Things were a bit different now then they were then, but something about the song still punched a tiny hole into his soul whenever he played it - but in such a good way.

When he finished, it took him a moment to open his eyes. The sun was going down quickly now and the light was slowly bleeding out of the room. He turned his head and Gerard was still there. But his eyes were rimmed red and a tiny, crystalline drop of water rested on his cheek. Frank didn't have much time to be shocked over seeing Gerard cry because the latter was already turning his head away and wiping away an evidence of his tears discreetly, shutting his eyes and resting his head on the bed once again like nothing had happened. 

"What is it called?" Gerard's voice was slightly gravely. Real.

"Stage Four Fear of Trying." Frank replied softly. He set the guitar aside carefully and tried to shake the lingering feeling of nostalgia.

"It's beautiful." Gerard sniffed, brushing a lock of his hair away from his cheek. "You'll go places for sure, sugar."

"Thank you." Frank smiled, and his heart felt genuinely warmed by the latter's statement. He shuffled all of his paper together and stacked them neatly, setting them beside his guitar. 

"Hey, that was a very personal song of yours, wasn't it?" Gerard opened his eyes, biting his lip softly. His fingers fiddled with the tie of his robe, silk slipping through his fingers, and Frank wondered which of the two were softer for a fleeting moment. 

Frank pursed his lips, meeting his eyes. "It was. . . how could you tell?"

Gerard smiled slightly, but his eyes conveyed not too much of a happy emotion. "I could tell. I saw it in your face, and you got so into it that I thought you had gone into another universe for a second."

Frank flushed once again. He chuckled nervously, tugging at a lock of his hair that he was letting grow out. He wondered if he bared too much of his soul when he performed, and that could either be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on who he was letting see it. He would like to think he hadn't made a mistake in sharing that with Gerard; he didn't even know why he showed him that side of his music. There was something about today, about the way the latter was acting, everything was swaying out of its normal movement. 

"If you shared that with me, then its only fair for me to share something personal with you as well." Gerard sighed, flipping over onto his stomach with his legs up, ankles crossing in the air. 

"You don't have to repay me that way, it's fine." Frank tried to assure him, but Gerard only shook his head, leaning his cheek into the palm of his hand. 

He traced shaped onto the bed cover with the tip of his finger, his pink lips setting into a serious frown as he thought about what to share. "Sometimes . . . sometimes I get tired of being pretty." He whispered. "Many people wish they were beautiful. But it isn't exactly the slice of pie they think it is, especially for someone like me."

Frank had an odd feeling in his stomach once Gerard dropped his confession. There was so much depth to it, a few tunnels within it that lead to different directions. He wondered which tunnel Gerard would be taking him through as he went into detail.

"Why?" He asked, crossing his legs slowly. 

Gerard's lips twitched. His finger dragged over the cover, not even making little doodles onto the surface anymore. "What's the point of being called pretty by strangers when they don't know what your soul looks like?"

Heavy silence fell over them. Silence came mainly from Frank's side because he felt like he had been winded. Punched in the gut by a realization of something he wasn't sure he had uncovered. And his heart ached, suddenly seeing the sadness that flitted over Gerard's face before it was wiped clean by impassiveness. Gerard sighed to himself and hauled himself up, only hesitating in leaving right away for a moment before he decided to lean in and press another soft kiss to Frank's cheek. Then he gracefully left the room, leaving Frank to think and think until he was hunching over his guitar once again and writing about the words Gerard had just spoken to him.


	7. Rejection Stings

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard can't cope with someone not wanting him.

It may have been a mistake to show up to work with drugs in his system. It may have also been a mistake to go while still recovering from a massive hangover left from the day before, but business was business, and something as petty as a little cocaine and the remains of a pounding headache was not an acceptable enough reason to cancel yet another photoshoot. If Gerard passed again, he wouldn't be able to escape the wrath of his manager Brendon, who was very strict when it came to him being punctual - and actually showing up to his appointments. Once, he skipped out on one of his interviews to laze around and smoke, inhaling the substance from a bong that was smacked straight out of his hands as soon as Brendon caught him. Gerard was exhausted, both mentally and physically, but pity for the precious doll was almost unheard of. 

There Gerard stood, trying his best to keep a calm and steady facial expression while he posed for the camera. His frame was draped in a long organza gown with colorful wild flowers flowing past the waist and gently fading off into the breathy blue colored fabric. The material of the sleeves was itchy and unbreathable, but the dress hanged off his frame in a willowy type of way and the pink ribbon tied around his waist was just loose enough for it not to cinch. The neckline plunged to his near waist, showing off his pale chest. While the dress was lovely, Gerard had been forced into much more exotic clothing and this was simple compared to the miles of specially sewn silk and gauze gowns. The only reason why he felt so uncomfortable was the photographer's eyes on him. Prying, lustful eyes, and lips ordering him to stand in specific ways that Gerard was paid to follow, but the satisfied glint in his eyes made Gerard want to defy him and walk away from the entire set. 

Batting his false eyelashes and gently touching his perfectly curled red hair wasn't cutting it for the photographer - he wanted him to drag his hand down his body, pull the neckline further to the side to show more of his skin. Gerard was growing more annoyed and outraged the more time passed by and he found himself glancing at the clock more often than necessary as he prayed for the session to be over so he could safely lock himself away in his dressing room and calm himself down. He told himself that if he didn't see these slightly lewd photographs show up in the magazine they were being taken for, he'd be having quite a talk with a few sources to get this man fired. 

When the photoshoot was finally over, Gerard huffed to himself and dropped his hands away from his lips, Rushing away from the backdrop, he waited a few people working in the studio to rush past him to dismantle the screen he had previously been standing in front of. During his escape, he was required to brush against the photographer who was now sifting through the pictures, gazing at each one of them with his wide eyes that made Gerard feel sick. He quickly brushed past him. 

But in his pursuit of getting away, he felt a firm, hefty hand reach out for his ass before it gave it a firm, predatory squeeze. 

Gerard stopped dead in his tracks upon the heavy and unwelcome touch. The man's hand lingered for far too long before it pulled away, and as Gerard let out a sharp gasp, his eyes swept around the room to see If anyone had witnessed what had just taken place. The people in the room seemed to be too occupied to have seen what the photographer did, leaving Gerard as his only witness in his shocked state. 

He whirled around, facing the slightly smirking photographer who dared to wink at him as soon as their eyes met. Gerard's heart dropped and his stomach rolled in disgust - it was instinct for him to raise his hand in the air before quickly snapping it forward and slapping the man harshly across the face. The sharp sound of his palm coming in painful contact with the man's face echoed in the large room, along with the cry of pain he let out. People around them gasped softly and stopped moving, their eyes wide. Of course that was the only part they bothered to turn their heads for, no one had noticed the way that man was looking at Gerard like he was only a meal to be devoured in a cheap motel. Gerard huffed loudly. 

"Fuck you, you god damned pervert." Gerard spat at him, tempted to knock over his camera, but he didn't want to be charged with expenses for the top quality equipment. He turned on his heels and quickly strode to the back stage area where his manager and Frank would be waiting for him. Anger was quickly filling him to the brim and disgust waded in his boiling blood. His ass was aching slightly from how harsh the grab had been, he was sure he had felt the subtle bite of fingernails digging into the fabric of his thin dress and the lace of his underwear. His breath came out quick as he rounded the corner and nearly crashed into Brendon. 

"Whoa, hold on there, spitfire, what happened?" Brendon grabbed Gerard's shoulders before they could collide and immediately sensed something was wrong from how tense and flushed he was. 

Gerard clenched his jaw, reaching back and gently rubbing his sore ass. "That asshole of a photographer was giving me bedroom eyes the entire shoot and when I walked past him, the fucker thought it would be amazing to grab my ass the way a crazy bitch crushes her ex-boyfriend's balls." 

Brendon's eyes flew open immediately and Frank poked out from behind him, looking both shocked and angered. 

"Did he make any more advances towards you?" Brendon spoke through gritted teeth. He looked past Gerard and towards the stage area, his eyes lighting with an enraged fire. 

"He would have if we had been alone, but lucky for him, there were people crawling all over the place." Gerard muttered. "I slapped him hard enough for him to see stars and of course that was the only part everyone paid attention to."

Brendon shut his eyes with a heavy sigh, pinching the bridge of his nose. "I'm going to take care of him. He won't get away with assaulting you, I'll have him fired in a second. Go get changed." He looked behind him at Gerard's assistant. "Frank, please go with him to the dressing room."

"Yes sir." Frank nodded and Brendon took off, storming away from the area and yelling something out that went as unintelligible with all the other commotion in the building. 

"Are you okay, boss?" Frank asked softly, his thin eyebrows lifting. His expression was gentle, but Gerard really didn't feel like receiving pity or sympathy. 

"Is there vodka in the dressing room like I requested?" Gerard brushed his question to the side, shutting his eyes and rubbing his eyelids. He could feel the champagne colored eyeshadow rubbing off on his fingertips. 

"Yes." Frank answered. 

"Get me a glass of that." Gerard started down the hallway, gesturing for Frank to follow him. His footsteps were quick, growing even faster as he felt his previous anger flooding inside him and breaking down the wall of calmness he was trying to shelter himself him. He swung the door open, flicking on the lights and letting out a throaty growl of frustration. 

"I already have to deal with fucking perverts trying to touch me every other day and he has the audacity to assault me in front of everyone like I'm some cheap whore?" Gerard tugged his hair, rushing to the vanity and slamming his palms down on the surface. "It isn't the first time, but this - it gets even more frustrating each time." 

Frank popped open the tall glass of strawberry vodka set onto a fold out table near the changing screen, taking a short glass and pouring the liquid inside. "You don't deserve any of it."

"Yes, thank you!" Gerard gestured wildly with his hands, sighing heavily and sinking onto the loveseat that smelled of cigarette smoke and some sort of tropical detergent. He kicked off his heels in annoyance, his heart still pounding in his ribcage. 

Frank handed him the glass of vodka, his lip between his teeth. Gerard took the glass from his hand and brought it to his lips without a second thought, chugging the drink greedily despite the burning as it slid down his throat, moving up the back of his skull and making his eyes sting slightly with tears. He groaned heavily, feeling relief and satisfaction filling him immediately. He drained the entire drink, licking his lips to taste the remnants of the much needed drink. His body told him he was no where near done, he deserved this even if he drank too much almost every day. 

"Do you want a refill, o-" Gerard cut Frank off by reaching for the rest of the vodka. 

"Just give me the bottle, I need to fucking relax."

Frank bit his lip, his large doe eyes glancing at the bottle and back to Gerard. Gerard had no patience for his hesitation, so he raised his eyebrows and aggressively pointed to the bottle. He needed it, his throat was dry from the thirst  he needed to quench. Plain water couldn't soothe this sort of thirst. 

Frank handed Gerard the bottle with his gentle hand, despite him looking a bit uncomfortable in doing so. Gerard grabbed the neck of the glass and immediately slipped the cork out, tossing it somewhere beside him, bringing the opening to his lips and letting the alcohol trickle into his mouth. He would never get enough of the burn, the way it filled the void inside of him. The dull ache in his asscheek only made him chug the substance faster, his head spinning faster the more he consumed. He took a break to wipe his chin after he felt some of the vodka drip past his bottom lip, inhaling some air, and went back to consuming as much as he could. 

When the bottle was finally drained and Gerard was pleasantly warm and borderline drunk, all off that pent up stress and anger faded, chased away by the magical alcohol he just consumed. He sighed deeply in relief, setting the bottle on the ground. 

"Mm, that always hits the spot." He smiled, wiping his mouth with the back of his hand. 

"Are you feeling better?" Frank asked, sounding a bit weary.

Gerard looked up at him, at his unfairly handsome face, and saw nothing but concern written all over it. Frank was a sweetheart, anyone would be blind not to notice such an important and obvious factor. Gerard genuinely liked Frank, admired him for many things, but he detested it when someone looked at him with concern as if he'd fall over on his face just because he had a little bit to drink. The affects of the cocaine had faded off and he was only buzzing now, eager to get home and take a hot bubble bath to soothe his poor ass.

"I'm fine. Help me out of this damn dress, please." Gerard held his hand out, asking to be brought to his feet. Frank grasped his hand and effortlessly helped him up. Gerard stumbled a bit once he was in an upright position and Frank's hand gripped his waist to keep him upwards. Gerard flinched away from the touch, not wanting to be reminded of the plethora of hands that had groped him in the past and the one that had today. Thankfully enough, he trusted that Frank wouldn't do anything so disgusting. 

Frank quietly helped Gerard untie the sash wrapped around his waist since the knot was unique and Frank thankfully knew how to undo it. 

"The zipper too." Gerard sighed, taking the hanging ribbon from his body and tossing it aside.

Frank's hands were hesitant as they moved to the back of Gerard's dress. The zipper started just at the very top of his upper back, ending at his tailbone. His fingers were warm and slow as they brought down the metal zipper, opening up the dress and revealing Gerard's back. The times his fingertips brushed against Gerard's skin had him shivering softly, biting his lip at the gentle and accidental touch. He waited until the zipper was all the way down to pull away with an odd feeling of not wanting to look at Frank enveloping him. He felt too vulnerable around the man, it always felt like he was looking into his soul when they made eye contact. Gerard went behind the changing screen and shrugged out of the dress, changing back into red leather pants and his loose Queen tank top, shrugging his coat over it so his skin wouldn't be so exposed.

"I want to go home." Gerard said softly when he stepped out from behind the screen. Frank looked up, his hazel eyes darting all across his face before they settled for looking into his eyes. 

"Dallon should be out back already. Brendon texted to let me know we could leave without him, he's busy taking care of that scumbag." Frank showed him his business phone, pursing his lips as he stood up. 

Gerard merely nodded, collecting his phone and leaving the dress to hang on the collection of wardrobe sitting next to the changing screen. Frank escorted Gerard out, walking in front of him with a protective stance until they were at the back exit and he was opening the door for him. Gerard squinted at the bright light, groaning slightly, and slid his sunglasses over his eyes to prevent his eyes from burning. Dallon was outside next to their limousine, patiently waiting for the pair. 

"Hope we didn't take too long, Dally." Gerard whispered as he brushed past the driver. 

Dallon shook his head with a soft smile, holding the door open for him and Frank. "I arrived five minutes ago."

As soon as Gerard was inside the car and Frank followed him in, the door shut behind them and the harsh sunlight was dimmed down by the tinted windows. Gerard sighed in relief, taking off his sunglasses and folding them. 

"When I get home, I'm going to take a long bubblebath. Can you please text Melanie and tell her to prepare that for me?" Gerard asked Frank, raising his eyebrows. 

Frank nodded, pulling out his phone and opening Melanie's contact information. "Any other specific requests?"

"A bucket of ice with champagne, one of the biggest wine glasses we have. And I want the pink tinted bubbles." Gerard rubbed his forehead, needing to drink himself senseless and wash away the remains of the day. He didn't care if he paid the price for it tomorrow.

Frank was gracious enough to send Melanie the requests Gerard asked for, and the rest of the way home was spent in a silence neither one bothered to break. 

____

The bath had been exquisite. Gerard adored the strawberry scented and tinted bubbles Melanie had been so thoughtful for purchase for him, they always left him smelling amazing and his skin felt as soft as ever. Not to mention the amount of champagne he consumed. His stomach felt as bubbly as the water he soaked in, and his mood lifted to the point where he felt giddy and carefree. Yet another bottle of some type of alcohol entered his body and it was bound to stay there until tomorrow. Gerard was a happy drunk - he felt invincible each time he had alcohol in his system, it was rare anything broke into his drunken haze and sobered him up. 

Gerard exited the bath and shook his hips to the beat of the song playing through the speakers of his radio, whipping his hair around and spraying droplets of water all over the floor and the mirror. He danced naked for a long stretch of time, lip syncing with a brush held close to his lips to mimic a microphone. He only stopped when he started to feel a little dizzy from spinning around so much, sending him into a fit of giggles. After drying his hair and sponging the remains of water dripping down his freshly shaved skin, he grabbed one of his silk pink robes and wrapped it around his body, shimmying into a pair of skimpy floral underwear so he wouldn't be flashing anyone to an extreme level. He slathered cherry blossom scented  lotion all over his smooth skin, humming to himself and loving how light he felt without hair all over his body. 

Gerard exited the bathroom, only stumbling once in his pursuit of walking down the hall. His goal was to go straight to his room and smoke a few cigarettes before he passed out somewhere on the floor - it happened every time - but he noticed Frank's door was wide open and he could hear the latter walking around inside his room. Gerard lit up, sauntering over into his room and peering inside to see Frank placing some picture frames onto the surface of a few pieces of furniture scattered across the room. He squinted at the picture of a young and pretty woman, almost falling over the further he leaned in to look. 

"Is that your girlfriend, Frankie?" Gerard asked, unaware of how loud he was being. Frank jumped, almost knocking over one of the frames in the process. Gerard drew back quickly and giggled, covering his mouth with his hand.

"I didn't even hear you come in, oh jesus." Frank breathed, placing his hand over his chest. "And, n-no, I told you I'm not really looking to date right now."

Gerard pouted. He moved over to the bed, plopping down on the edge and laughing from how bouncy and fun the mattress felt. He had the urge to jump on it, but he wasn't too sure Frank would appreciate that too much. 

"Who is she?" Gerard titled his head to the side. 

"That's my mother." Frank smiled slightly, stroking the side of the metal frame.

"Pretty. I see where you get it from." 

Frank blushed as pink as the bubbles Gerard had just soaked in, a pretty color against his olive toned skin. Gerard bit his lip, his eyes falling past Frank's face to assess the rest of him. His navy blue button down shirt had the collar popped and a few of the tops buttons undone, showing off his tattoos and the ones on his chest peeked out teasingly. His pants were hanging low on his hips, defeating the purpose of his belt. Frank turned and looked at Gerard with his big, gorgeous hazel eyes, running a hand through his chestnut hair to brush it away from his face. Gerard's eyes were close to burning from how attractive he was. 

"Can I see your tattoos, Frank?" Gerard batted his lashes and pointed towards Frank's chest.

Frank glanced down at himself, his eyebrows raising. "Wait, all of them?"

"Just your chest and back. Unless you have an ass tattoo, then I'd like to see that." Gerard giggled, reaching out as far as he could without falling off the bed to grasp Frank's forearms and bring him closer. Frank stumbled over to him, standing in front of Gerard looking flustered and slightly hesitant. 

"Well, I . . . I have one that's close, but I wouldn't actually tattoo my ass. That's a bit of a weird place I don't want anyone touching just for a tat." Frank coughed awkwardly, his blush spreading to his neck. 

Gerard giggled, running his hands over the front of Frank's chest. "Can I unbutton your shirt then?"

Frank glanced at Gerard's hands over his shirt, tugging eagerly at it. Gerard was close to salivating - he fucking loved tattoos, they were such a turn on and he loved whenever the person he decided to hook up with had ink on their skin so he could suck on the art, lick and touch and leave additional marks all over it. Frank eventually nodded, swallowing loudly. 

Gerard began to undo the buttons keeping Frank's shirt closed over his body, his fingers tripping over themselves whenever his vision blurred out due to his drunken state. He clicked his tongue in frustration. Frank, noticing his distress, helped Gerard by unbuttoning his shirt the rest of the way. Once it was hanging open, he meekly shrugged off the material and set it onto the bed beside Gerard. 

His skin was all on display, almost every inch of olive toned flesh covered in swirls of ink. Most was all black, random splashes of color spread out over the different designs all coming together on his smooth and flawless skin. Gerard was salivating at this point. His mouth hung open and the saliva threatened to drip from his lips. Frank had a large chest piece, overlapping some other small tattoos, moving up to the roses inked across his collarbones. His hips, the odd yet sexy jutting shape of them, had birds and other designs drawn across them, one just by his happy trail that disappeared into his low rise jeans. His arms and hands were completely covered, and as Frank turned around, all of his back was decorated in tattoos as well. Gerard let out a little whimper, his fingers twitching with the need to touch him. 

"Do you like them?" Frank asked, turning back around before Gerard had the chance to touch. 

"I more than like them." Gerard leaned in, reading the inscription inside the tombstone tattooed on his side. "Whoa."

Frank chuckled, running his fingers over his tatted ribcage. "It's from Slaughterhouse-Five if you've ever read that."

Gerard shook his head, reaching out and touching the tattoo himself. Frank jumped at the contact, but Gerard barely noticed when he was hypnotized by the ink and the feel of Frank's warm skin under his fingertips. Gerard licked his lips, letting his fingers drag softly across his ribcage until he reached his front and paused at the bottom of his chest piece. He had the urge to run his hands over every inch of his chest, the thought making his stomach flip. He might have been too drunk to realize that this could lead to something far more serious than he intended, but at the same time, he wouldn't have care even if he was sober. He flipped his hands around and placed his palms flat against Frank's stomach, slowly running them up his body before coming down to rest on his hips, the subtle jutting curve of them that fascinated Gerard to no end.

"Gerard." Frank whispered, his voice sounding slightly strained. 

Gerard looked up at the latter through his long eyelashes, not minding the way his vision was blurring. He had his eyes set on something, someone, and whenever he wanted something, he always got it. Gerard had his ways, and he knew he was beautiful, maybe Frank would finally give into him. He was stubborn, sweet and full of morals, which made the game fun for Gerard. His lips shaped into a little smirk and he slowly began to stand up, his hands moving up along the front of Frank's body, across his silky skin. Once they were almost pressed together, Gerard could see the way Frank was reacting to him. The latter was flushed and breathing quicker than the normal, looking at Gerard with those large hazel eyes filled with confusion and alarm. But Gerard could also see that inside, he wanted this, even if he told himself not to do it. Gerard had him like a fly in his web, he was as vulnerable as he was careful. 

"Do you think I'm pretty, Frank?" Gerard whispered. He stepped closer, his hands resting on his chest. Frank gasped softly at the close proximity of their faces. 

"Um, I'm - of course." Frank swallowed, his hands clenching into unsure fists at his sides. "Everyone knows you're beautiful."

"I don't care what everything else thinks. What do you think about me?" Gerard started to circle around him, slowly, with his hand still trailing across his body. Frank turned around and followed him until they switched places in the way they were previously standing and Gerard was holding back a smug smile as he realized it would be so easy to obtain what he wanted just about now. 

"I think the same way they do." Frank's voice trembled. "You're gorgeous."

Gerard smiled at him, his head tilting to the side slightly. Frank brushed his hair away from his face, dropping his nervous gaze to the ground. 

"Aw. Thank you." Gerard giggled softly. Pressing his hands against Frank's front, he pushed him backwards until Frank stumbled and fell on his back on top of the bed, causing him to gasp. Gerard quickly crawled on top of him, his knees settling on either side of Frank's hips, lowering his body onto the latter's with his hands planted firmly on the mattress. His face was hovering inches above Frank's, his eyes meeting the latter's wide and pretty hazel eyes. 

"You're pretty too, Frankie." Gerard whispered. He pressed his hips against Frank's, gasping softly at the bit of pleasure he felt from the pressure he placed. Frank gripped the sheets frantically, his eyelashes fluttering in a panicked motion. 

"Gerard, we really shouldn't be doing this." Frank shook his head, his lips parting to say more. Gerard rolled his eyes and pressed his fingers against Frank's lips to quiet him. He immediately became distracted by how soft his lips were under his touch - was it possible for a man's lips to be so soft and deep red? His lips were flushed, suddenly frozen under Gerard's fingers. Gerard's eyes slowly widened as he traced the shape of them, the plumpness of his bottom lip tempting enough to bite down on. He found himself biting his own lip, the need to do something with this urge becoming stronger by the second. 

"Pretty." Gerard whispered and pulled his fingers away. 

Lowering his face, he slowly but surely pressed his own lips against Frank's to see if they were as soft under his mouth as they were with his fingers. The latter gasped sharply at the contact, but did nothing to protest or pull away. Gerard moaned softly at the taste, the coolness that rapidly transitioned to warmth, the silkiness of his lips against his own smooth mouth. The moment their lips attached, Gerard felt aching in his stomach, a need that had to be satisfied or else it would drive him insane. Frank's lips fit perfectly against his own, it was amazing how good they felt even as they remained unmoving in the kiss. Gerard shut his eyes, his mouth demanding more. He titled his head to the side, pulling away a bit for some air. His eyes opened a fraction to see Frank slowly calming down underneath him. His lids were lowering over his eyes, eyes that no longer appeared like they feared Gerard. He was giving in, and Gerard hardly had to work for it. 

Frank leaned up and eagerly attached their lips once more. His sudden movement was unexpected, catching Gerard off guard. He squealed softly, but he wasn't able to resist his sweet and heavenly soft lips. Gerard kissed him back immediately, opening his mouth and moving his head to the side slightly. When Frank finally kissed him the right way, Gerard was amazed at how passionate he was. Frank pressed his lips firmly against Gerard's, parting them, the tip of his tongue sensually sliding out and gliding across his bottom lip. His tongue was hot, slick, making Gerard whimper as it began to slowly move past his lips to enter his mouth. Gerard opened his lips and slid his own tongue out, letting them hotly move against one another until the kiss became warm and wet, lips moving together hungrily. Frank's hands were on Gerard's hips, bunching his silk robe between his fingers and pulling him closer. Gerard wished for a fleeting moment that he would rip the material right off of him, run his hands over the expanse of his body, make Gerard shiver as he felt how much he wanted him.

Gerard pulled his lips away from Frank's, panting heavily, and relocated his mouth to the smooth skin at Frank's neck. He kissed all over his skin sloppily. rocking his body over his, moaning softly at the sensations coursing through him. Frank was gripping his robe, breathing unevenly as Gerard ran his tongue over one of his tattoos, biting down softly and sucking until he left a mark of his own. He kept lowering his kisses, hoping he would end up just where he wanted and suck his hard cock the way he fantasized since day one. Gerard would give anything to do such a thing, the need turning him into a complete whore as he moaned and whimpered the more he sucked and kissed Frank's skin. 

"Wait, Gerard." Frank gasped suddenly. There was a hand going in Gerard's hair, and the first initial grab was arousing to him, until he realized Frank was lifting his head up to stop his pursuit of marking up Frank's body with his swollen lips and needy tongue. 

He yelped when he was shoved to the side and Frank was moving away from him. He quickly got to his feet, his hair a mess and his skin marked with Gerard's passion. Gerard looked up at him, dazed, pouting at the loss of contact. 

"No, we can't do this. I refuse to do this with you." Frank shook his head, trying to pat down his hair to make it look at least a bit more decent. 

Gerard was sure that if he wasn't full of alcohol, that statement would have stung him. 

"Why not? You seemed like you wanted it." Gerard sighed, twirling a piece of his hair around his pointer finger. 

Frank's eyes widened and he wildly gestured to Gerard. "You're drunk, you probably won't even remember any of this in the morning! I am not going to take advantage of you." 

"I fuck people when I'm drunk all the time and, for the record, I do remember it." Gerard stood up, wrapping his arms around Frank's shoulders and leaning in for another kiss. 

Frank pushed him away, shutting his eyes tightly and moving back so there was a great distance between them. "No. I don't want you, Gerard, I . . . not like that."

Now something was starting to prick underneath Gerard's skin. Not so much hurt, but something that felt very similar to the hot flush of anger brewing beneath his strong intoxication. 

"You kissed me back, with your hands all over me. Don't lie to yourself." Gerard scoffed, placing his hands on his hips. 

"You got on top of me, started kissing me, moving against me - I'm a man, Gerard, of course I'm going to react. It was stupid to give in for a little bit, and I can assure you it won't happen again." Frank sighed heavily, combing his fingers through his hair, his expression the epitome of stress. 

Gerard couldn't understand. Everyone wanted him, Gerard could have any man or woman he wanted in this world. They all loved him, saved pictures of him on their cellphones or pinned posters of him onto their walls. They would kill to fuck him, and if Gerard was offering himself to someone, no one could ever resist. That's the only thing he was good for, so why was Frank rejecting him?

"What, am I not good enough for you?" Gerard snapped, making the latter jump. 

"Gerard, please don't see it that way." Frank shook his head. 

"That's the only explanation!" Gerard was bubbling with anger at this point, standing and clutching his robe tighter against his body. 

"You are beautiful, you know I think you are, but I just - I don't want to sleep with you. I'm only here to do my job." Frank said softly. 

Gerard couldn't see it that way. He could almost tell that Frank was lying, and the cold stab of rejection pierced through him. Never once had he been rejected by anyone, especially not the people he wanted the most. He was too used to people begging on their knees for him, pleading for him to let them fuck him. The only times he felt like a god, beautiful and lusted after. 

If Frank didn't want him, then he would find someone who did. 

"Fuck off, then." Gerard spit out. 

He quickly exited the room with a flushed face and disbelief flooding through every fiber of his being. The brat in him was making itself known and the brat was displeased, stamping her foot on the ground and holding back a swell of spoiled tears. Gerard stumbled into his room and rummaged through his closet, throwing on the skimpiest red dress he owned and slipping on his heels before he buttoned a coat over himself and flew out the front door, knowing exactly where he was going in order to satisfy his needs that a certain someone would not meet.

He didn't need Frank to want him. Not when so many others would be there at his beck and call.


	8. China Doll

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard isn't as strong as he seems.

"Where the hell is Gerard?" Brendon asked Frank as soon as he stepped through the front door. The vein in his forehead was bulging and for a second, Frank was concerned it would burst from all the tension it was receiving.

"He stormed out last night and I'm not sure if he ever came back." Frank bit his lip, guilt tying all of his insides together. He knew he shouldn't feel guilty for doing the right thing by pushing Gerard away, but in doing so, he set off the latter was he was terrified that something bad might have happened to him because of how intoxicated he was. By the time he went after Gerard, he was already gone, and dread rose up in his throat. 

"I've called him six times this morning and he won't pick up." Brendon rubbed is temple, squeezing his eyes shut. "He has a dress fitting appointment for a huge company hosting the biggest fashion show of the decade in one hour."

"Brendon, he . . .  he was really drunk last night." Frank pressed his palms together as nerves overtook him. "He made an advance towards me and I shot him down, then he got really pissed off and he left."

Brendon's eyes flew open at the news and he quickly turned around to face Frank, the sudden movement making Frank flinch. 

"Why didn't you stop him?" Brendon gestured wildly, his eyes large with disbelief. 

"He went straight to his room and slammed the door, I didn't know he was going anywhere until I heard someone running down the stairs." Frank held his hands up in his defense, his voice shaking. He knew he should have gone after Gerard immediately, perhaps attempt to calm him down before he did anything reckless. Now, with Brendon fuming in front of him, he didn't think he had ever felt so bad about anything before. 

"Jesus." Brendon huffed. He snatched his phone out of his pocket and entered the passcode, bringing up Gerard's contact and dialing it. "Please, go and check if Gerard is in his room."

Frank nodded and quickly retreated towards the stairs. His heart was pounding as thousands of possibilities flew through his mind in one instant. If someone that intoxicated went out for a drive, the chances of a fatal car crash were extremely high. Frank wouldn't be able to function correctly anymore if that were the case, because he was the reason why Gerard wanted to escape the house in the first place. Some part of him was using common sense and telling him it was better to let Gerard down than have sex with him while he was drunk and slurring his words, but the other part was repeatedly asking why he had done that. He ran up the stairs as quick as he could, jogging down the hall until he was face to face with Gerard's door. 

Frank didn't bother to knock. He twisted the knob and swung the door open, looking inside to see if there were any signs of the model being inside. The room smelled of booze and cherry blossoms, and the curtains were shut to block out any sunlight. He walked into the room and flicked the lights on. The bed was still made, only a little rumpled at the center. The robe Gerard was wearing last night was strewn across the floor, the closet door wide open and suggesting a hasty change of clothing. It was too quiet and cold inside, making Frank's heart fall. 

"Gerard, are you in here?" Frank called out. After a moment, he got no response, not even a quiet sound of movement. Frank went to the walk in closet, shoving aside the hundreds of dresses and other types of clothing inside. One specific drawer was hanging open, the last one at the dresser pressed against the furthest wall. Frank bit his lip, glancing behind him and yet again finding no trace of the model. He took a few steps forward and peered inside the drawer. 

He gasped at the sight of small bags of white and blue pills, along with an assortment of other drugs and tiny bottles of alcohol that were obviously stolen from a fancy hotel. Cocaine, weed, strange pills Frank had never seen before. He unintentionally found his stash. 

Slipping out his personal phone, Frank snapped a quick photo. It was an instinct that felt more wrong than it should, especially in a situation like this. He just couldn't bear to think of the worst when he would be a reason for the fate of Gerard Way. Shutting the drawer, Frank exited the closet and checked around the room, and eventually, he found something that put only one of his worries to rest. 

Gerard's phone was laying on one of the pillows on the bed, on silent mode, but lighting up with the notification of nine missed calls from Brendon. Frank sighed in relief, grabbing the phone and heading back downstairs to where Gerard's manager was standing, aggressively typing out a message more than likely made for Gerard.

"He left his phone here." Frank held out the device to Brendon. The latter looked down at the phone, his face falling, and he stopped typing. He pocketed his phone and retrieved Gerard's phone, groaning in frustration. 

"Even if he was drunk off his ass, I know he left it behind on purpose." Brendon shook his head, his lips screwing into a tight line. "He does this sometimes. He'll disappear for days and come back like nothing happened."

"Do you know where he goes?" Frank asked.

"Out to get high with people he meets or has been sleeping with. It's all sex and drugs and drinking whenever he leaves, he looks like a corpse when he comes back." Brendon raked his hand through his hair, his hand slipping down the side of his face as he huffed loudly in anger. "He's so irresponsible, it's like dealing with a rebellious teenage girl."

Frank collected as much. Gerard was very stubborn, complex, and it was not easy to keep him satisfied. Gerard was not a bad person on the inside, but he had terrible habits and a temper, the attitude of someone spoiled and rich. Both in which were also traits inside of him. 

"Do you think he'll come back soon?" Frank asked, scratching the back of his head to rid of the nervous tingles echoing in his skull. 

"He better, or else we're going to miss this fitting and the job will more than likely be passed down to the next model in line." Brendon slammed the phone on the counter. 

"Gerard is the most wanted model in all of the industry, I don't think they would give him up so easily. Especially if it's only a fitting." Frank tried his best to ease some of the tension rising in the latter. Hopefully these would be words of truth, they made enough sense. 

Just as Brendon was about to reply, he was interrupted by the front door suddenly swinging wide open. It was tossed so hard that the door banged against the wall beside it, making the two men standing nearby jump slightly at the loud sound. 

In stumbled none other than Gerard Way, swaying into the room with stiletto heels dangling from his hand and car keys in the other, his dress riding dangerously high up his legs. His red hair was disheveled and knotted, falling into his face with each wobbly step he took, and there was a slight limp to the beat of his steps. He was laughing slightly, smelling strongly of booze, smoke, and another man's cologne. 

Brendon turned red in an instant in his anger, his hands curling into fists at his sides. 

"Gerard Way, where the fuck have you been all night? And morning." Brendon barked at him, making Gerard giggled in surprise, his eyes widening. 

"I went out." Gerard slurred, dropping his heels on the ground with a thud. He tugged down the edge of his dress, causing it to slide down lower at the top. Frank cringed at the strong smell of alcohol, so much worse when it was mixed with cheap cologne. Gerard was a mess, there was even a shallow scrape going across his cheek. 

"Get this!" Gerard lifted his hands up, his eyebrows lifting as well. "I went and fucked that one guy Pete, right? Well after we slept together, his fucking girlfriend comes home, and she fucking loses it! Smacked me right in the face, then she started beating Pete with her purse! I got out of there fast, no way am I dealing with a psycho bitch."

Brendon crossed the space between them, pressing the tip of his finger against Gerard's chest and jabbing him with it. "You have a dress fitting in less than an hour now, how the hell am I supposed to take you there while you can barely stand?"

Gerard rolled his eyes, meaning to slap Brendon's hand away but ending up weakly hitting his forearm due to his lack of aim in his state. "Those dresses probably fit like a glove, why waste time by going? Cut a little loose, Brendon, you're always acting like you've got satan up your ass." Gerard smiled lazily, patting the side of Brendon's face. 

His manager sighed deeply, trying to collect himself. Eerily calm, he turned to Frank. "Frank, please email the director that Gerard will not be showing up to his dress fitting today because he's ill."

Frank nodded, his heart beating quick. Gerard glanced at Frank, shooting him a glare. He huffed haughtily and turned his face away, his nose sticking in the air. Frank swallowed as a swell of guilt filled him, but he pulled out his phone and began to compose the email to the director of the fashion show.

"How many times am I going to have to lecture you about going out and neglecting your fucking job to get high and give a couple blowjobs?" Brendon's voice was low, dragging out sternly. Frank nervously typed away, attempting to fix all typos he made along the way. 

"I need a break sometimes." Gerard scoffed. "Having a little fun won't kill me." He pushed past Brendon, his body turned towards the direction of the stairs, but he was stopped by Brendon taking a hold of his arm and stopping him. 

"Yes, it can, and it will if you keep it up!" Brendon snapped. Gerard flinched back, his eyes widening. "You disappear for days, leave your phone behind, some days I even think you've gone off and killed yourself, either on accident or on purpose! You think this life is all about the parties and the drugs and the sex, but it isn't and you can't seem to understand that. You don't know what's good for you and you're killing yourself!"

"I'm not fucking killing myself." Gerard yanked his arm out of Brendon's grip, his face flushing red. Frank swallowed heavily, sending out the email and remaining unsure if he should step in or not. 

"Yes you are, Gerard, anyone can see that. I've tried to help you, get you to go to rehab and I have made countless therapy appointments for you. And what do I get? A phone call alerting me that you never showed up." 

"Well maybe because I don't want or need help!" Gerard suddenly exploded, shoving Brendon aside. " Not from a therapist, not from a rehab center, and not from you! I'm not a child, I know what I'm doing!"

"If you knew what you were doing, then you wouldn't be intoxicating yourself from the moment you wake up and spreading your legs for any person who gets on their knees and begs for you!" 

Gerard froze up, as did Frank. This was dangerous territory, one that could end up having a very serious outcome. Still, Brendon continued.

"I'm sick and tired of looking after you, you're a grown man that should know what's best for you at this point. You don't see what you're doing to yourself, no one in this god damn business sees it when it's happening. When you end up overdosing just like the rest of them, I'm not going to be the one to drive you to the hospital." Brendon swiftly collected his keys and his phone, storming past Gerard and slamming the front door behind him. 

Frank was close to shaking from the event that had just taken place in front of him. He knew a majority of what Brendon said was correct, but he reached too far and ended up hitting something inside Gerard that kept him frozen in his spot, unmoving and emotionless. He glanced at the doorframe, then back at Gerard, the man who had his back to him. 

"Gerard?" He called out softly. He took one step forward and stopped there as uncertainty made him wonder if approaching him was the right thing to do. "Are you okay?" 

Gerard didn't respond at first. The room was filled with thick silence, a heavy film weighing Frank down. His heart beat quickly, unsure if Gerard would blow up or simply not move for the rest of the day. He bit his lip, worry filling him up the more time passed without Gerard saying anything. 

When there finally was a reaction, Frank gasped. Gerard wobbled, falling down to his knees on the floor. He was not unconscious, but trembling, shaking violently. It took a second until Frank realized he was sobbing quietly, covering his face with his hands as he hunched forward. His heart tugged at the solemn sight and he couldn't stand being only a witness instead of helping him. 

Frank quietly approached Gerard. He breathed in and out deeply and sank down onto the ground in front of the weeping man. "Gerard, it's okay. It'll be okay." Frank whispered softly. He hesitantly reached out, his fingers brushing against Gerard's wrists. He then wrapped his fingers around them, slowly pulling his hands away from his face.

Gerard kept his eyes tightly shut, but tears were still escaping and falling down his face. The cut on his cheek was now irritated by the salt water, the surrounding skin a light shade of red. "I can't believe h-he said that." He sobbed quietly.

"I know. He was angry, he'd been looking for you all morning." Frank let go of Gerard's wrists. "We say horrible things out of anger sometimes, things we don't mean."

Gerard slowly shook his head back and forth, but it wasn't in reply to anything Frank had said. He whimpered softly, leaning his forehead against Frank's shoulder. The unexpected touch made Frank stiffen at first. But he understood that Gerard needed any source of comfort after being hurt. Frank sighed, touching the side of his face to grab his attention.

"Come on, let's get you standing. I'll run a bath for you and get you some food when you're all cleaned up." Frank suggested to him softly. 

Gerard sniffled, nodding in response. Frank stood up and held his hands out for Gerard to take as support. He grasped his hands and attempted to rise to his feet, almost falling over in the process. Frank helped him, slinging his arm around his waist as Gerard's arm draped over his shoulders for support. He led the man up the stairs, taking him into the bathroom that still faintly smelled of the sweet scented bubbles Gerard used the night before. 

The model sat on the toilet seat, still sniveling and wiping at his tears as his body jolted with little hiccups leftover from all the sobs he was letting out only moments ago. Frank ran the water until he found it to be perfectly warm, putting the plug into the drain and letting the tub fill with the clear water. 

"Do you want bubbles, Gerard?" Frank asked, smiling slightly.

Gerard's lips twitched, like he wanted to smile back, and Frank knew his answer. He went to retrieve the bottle he had seen in the cabinets containing the neatly pressed and folded towels inside, sifting through the different scents. One of them was vanilla, another strawberry, and couple others being combination scents. He pulled out the strawberry ones, and he turned around just in time to see Gerard frantically kneeling in front of the toilet, heaving violently into the bowl. Frank cringed at the first sight. He quickly crossed the room again and set the bottle on the rim of the tub, kneeling beside Gerard and holding his hair away from his face as the latter gagged and emptied his stomach into the toilet. 

Gerard finally stopped vomiting after a minute or so, and as soon as he did, he whimpered, spitting into the toilet. "I didn't want you to see that." His voice was raspy from the rawness in his throat. 

"It's okay." Frank whispered, giving his back a gentle rub. He turned his attention back to the bath, pouring in some of the strawberry scented bath substance until pink tinted bubbles began to form on the rippling surface, filling the room with their sweet scent. Gerard was pale and panting, wiping his mouth with a folded piece of toilet paper. He flushed with a shameful expression.

"Do you want me to give you some privacy?" Frank asked after he turned off the faucet.

Gerard sighed shakily and sat back on his heels. He was pale and thin to a concerning level and Frank wondered if he shouldn't have even asked such a question when Gerard appeared like he would collapse at any given second. 

"Yes, please. I'll be fine." Gerard glanced at Frank with emotionless eyes, cracking a smile onto his pale lips. 

Frank nodded and set out a towel for Gerard to use when he got out of the bath, He left the bathroom, but left the door open a crack in case Gerard had another breakdown or began vomiting again. He went downstairs to lock the front door and set the alarm, the task being his today since it was Melanie's day off. Stepping into the kitchen, he retrieved a glass of water along with a good dose of painkiller for Gerard to take when he was finished. 

He had not a clue why he was attending to Gerard. Caring for him, feeling a lump rise in his throat just at the thought of his current state. He had seen Gerard hungover before, suffering from a horrible mood and sensitivity to the sunlight. This time was different - all of his guards were down and Frank could see how he was hurting. Brendon was correct, Gerard was slowly killing himself with drugs and alcohol. Frank didn't know if he drank more when he disappeared last night, if he took anything strange, but whatever it was, it was hitting him hard today.

The man was also in emotional pain. Brendon's words were too strong for someone in such a sensitive state, too hazed to ever realize their actions had an affect on others. Frank couldn't help but wonder if that was Brendon's way of quitting, being cruel and telling Gerard he would not be by his side if he was on the brink of death. Frank believed Brendon would take back at least those words and apologize if Gerard allowed him to. As for the rest, he had a right to tell Gerard all of it because it drifted not one inch from the truth. Frank's eyes were opening to how fucked up Gerard was, how he was damaging himself, and a whispering voice in the back of his head told him to protect Gerard from those harmful things before his body was discovered somewhere on a motel floor, cold and alone. 

Frank promised himself he wouldn't become attached, he wouldn't truly care for this person, but the task grew harder every day the more small bits were revealed to him. Frank stared down into the glass of water in his hands, his ears picking up the sound of crying from upstairs. Soft, but pained, and Frank knew in that moment the Gerard who was a diva and a spoiled brat was not who he was inside. 

Frank took the stairs to Gerard's room. He set the water and the painkillers on the table beside his bed, placing an unopen packet of tissues he pocketed earlier next to the glass in case Gerard needed to let out more tears. He kept himself busy as he waited for Gerard to be finished, cleaning up various things and making macaroni and cheese for dinner later in the kitchen. Just as he was finished making it, he heard movement coming from upstairs, followed by the bathroom door slowly creaking open. 

Frank saw Gerard brushing his hair out in the bathroom once he was upstairs again, wrapped up in his robe. He could see two hickeys marking his collarbone, lovebites from the person he slept with last night. Gerard touched them lightly, setting his brush down on the counter. 

"I put some water and painkillers in your room for you, that headache should be coming any minute now." Frank informed him, holding onto the doorframe and peering in slightly. 

Gerard nodded, letting out a soft sigh. "I think I need rest." He whispered. 

"You do." Frank bit his lip. He stepped out of the way, guiding Gerard to his room since the latter was still having a hard time walking straight. Gerard pulled back the sheets to his bed and climbed into, reaching for the water and the pills. As he took them, Frank retrieved a garbage can from the restroom and placed it beside Gerard's bed. 

"If you feel sick again, just use this." He pointed to the bin. 

"Thank you." Gerard slipped underneath the sheets, looking up at Frank through his eyelashes. It reminded Frank of the way he looked at him last night, trying to pull him in and seduce him. But there was no seduction in Gerard's eyes or the slightest hint of lust, only vulnerability and gratefulness. 

Frank smiled gently at him, nodding, and he left the room when Gerard shut his eyes to rest. He quietly shut the door behind him, retreating downstairs again to eat his dinner. When he was settled in and beginning to eat, Frank felt his business phone begin to vibrate in his pocket. Frank swallowed what was in his mouth, pulling out his phone to see who was calling. 

Brendon. 

Frank answered the call quickly. "Hey."

"Hi." Brendon sighed, sounding tired and low. "How is he?"

"I ran him a bath and took care of him, he's resting now. He got sick and he could barely walk on his own." Frank filled him in, lowering his voice.

"Thank you for that, that isn't even part of your job."

"I still care. I couldn't let him take care of himself, he would probably vomit on himself or something." Frank sighed, picking at his pasta. 

"I didn't hurt him too bad, did I? Because I know I went overboard. I always do when I get upset, that's why my wife makes me sleep on the couch so often." Brendon said, regretful and sheepish towards the end. 

"Well, he did cry a few times. He's hurt, but I think if you apologize to him, he'll be back on his feet again." 

"Yes, I'm definitely having a talk with him when he gets better." Brendon sighed, long and tired. "And I'm really sorry you had to hear all that. I get so fed up with babying him sometimes, this isn't the first time I give him a lecture." 

"I understand. I agree with what you said, and Gerard doesn't seem to notice how he's destroying himself. I'd really like to help, but I'm only his assistant, I don't want to get involved into something so personal." Frank set his fork down, biting his lip. 

"If you need to snap him back into reality, that's all it takes. He slows down every time. It isn't getting clean, but at least it stops him from nearly killing himself." Brendon reassured. 

"I'll do what I can, anything that won't get me fired." 

Brendon hummed on the other line, and there was a pause for a moment. Then, he spoke again. "What exactly happened last night that made Gerard want to run out like that?"

Frank should have seen it coming. His face flushed with blood, his teeth digging into his bottom lip perhaps a bit too hard. He didn't quite know how to explain it without sounding incredibly awkward or too impassive, 

"Uh, I told you he made an advance towards me." Frank closed his eyes and tried to keep his voice as low and calm as it previously was. "A sexual one. I almost gave in but, fuck, it was wrong for many different reasons, and he got really upset when I told him no."

"Shit," Brendon breathed. "I should have known. Frank, if you ever feel uncomfortable because of him, you don't have to feel forced to stay."

"It's okay, I'm fine. I just want to help out." Frank admitted, looking into his forgotten bowl of food. 

"Thank you." Brendon exhaled, and there was some muffled shuffling on the other line. "I've got to get to my wife now. Please let me know if anything else bad happens, Gerard's my responsibility."

"Of course. Have a nice night, sir." Frank pursed his lips. 

After they hung up, Frank placed his phone on the table, no longer feeling hungry. He could feel his heart sinking the more he thought about what he was getting himself into, how dangerous it could be. Frank was dealing with two jobs that linked together in a sick relationship, a relationship that could be broken very easily if he messed up at any point. He already began to care for Gerard, that was something he had been battling not to do ever since the first night he saw him throwing up in the public restroom of a club. If he cared any more, his first job would be the hardest thing to maintain. He didn't want to hurt Gerard any more, betray his trust in such a disgusting way. But his future was on the line, and he couldn't clean up after someone's messes for the rest of his life. 

Frank leaned back in his chair, looking at a picture frame hung up on the wall. It was a picture of Gerard, holding up a plaque and smiling for the camera, beautiful in a red shimmering dress and cherry colored lips to match, his hair curled around his face. 

"You're just another china doll." Frank whispered, hoping it would convince him that Gerard was nothing else but a trophy to society. 

But he couldn't think like that, not now and not ever.


	9. Narcissistic Tendencies

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard is, for once, himself.

When Gerard woke up, it was hard to peel his eyelids back from his eyes. His eyes felt too dry, lids heavy, and sleep was heavily clouding his head. He felt like cotton had been shoved inside his mouth, his lips dry and his body cold. Despite there being blankets draped over him, he shivered and curled into a ball due to the lack of warmth. He sighed heavily, rubbing his eye with the back of his hand. The more he came alive, the more he began to feel what his body was going through. He could barely move to sit up because of the ache in his ass, the soreness in his legs, and the headache pulsing in his head. He faintly remembered taking something to prevent his hangover from being too unforgiving, but nothing was able to stop at least a bit of pain. He groaned softly, running his fingers through his hair. He expected it to be matted and greasy, but to his surprise, it felt like clean silk under his fingers. Gerard scrunched his eyebrows together, pinching a lock of hair between his fingertips. Sniffing it, he captured the scent of strawberries and his tropical shampoo. 

There was an itch across his cheekbone, so he raked his nails over it, but he immediately drew his hand back when pain stung through his skin and he hissed softly. Gerard looked down at his hand and saw blood coating his fingertips and going under his nails, a cut he didn't remember having. He must have either cut through a scab or he accidentally sliced himself while scratching. Rising up off the bed, Gerard stumbled to the doorway to get a band-aid from the restroom. When he stepped out, he crashed into Frank who was making his way down the hall at the same time. Gerard yelped, almost falling over, but thankfully Frank slung an arm around his waist before he went crashing to the ground. 

"Holy balls." Gerard breathed, his eyes wide. "I'm sorry."

"It's alright," Frank straightened Gerard up and let go of his waist, smoothing out his rumpled shirt. "I was just coming to check on you." 

"How long have I been asleep?" Gerard asked.

"Since yesterday afternoon. It's eight in the morning now." Frank bit his lip and glanced at Gerard's face. His eyes widened when he caught the bleeding cut on Gerard's cheek. "You're bleeding - did you open your cut in your sleep?"

"It was itchy so I scratched, but I didn't know I had a cut there." Gerard mumbled, sleep still thick in his throat. 

Frank tugged Gerard's sleeve and lead him into the bathroom, flicking on the lights. He went to open the small cabinet above the toilet to retrieve a bandage, and while he was searching, Gerard carefully hopped up on the counter, feeling the cold marble sting the back of his thighs. He cupped his hand around his cheek, lightly kicking his legs back and forth, trying not to look when he noticed Frank's shirt riding up his hips when he reached up that way. 

Frank stood in front of Gerard as he peeled the paper tabs off of the bandage, setting it aside as he squeezed a bit of healing medication onto his finger.

"This is the first time I barely remember anything that happened." Gerard said with a frown. "I kind of remember yelling, and getting sick. It's all a blur."

"You were very drunk already when you left, and if you went out and drank more, then that's most likely why you can't remember." Frank said softly, spreading gel across his cut with a gentle touch. Gerard winced at the cold. 

"What happened?" Gerard raised an eyebrow. 

Frank bit his lip, tucking a lock of his brown hair behind his ear. "Well, you came back and said you slept with someone, but his girlfriend found you and she slapped you. Which is why you have this cut." Frank picked up the bandage. "Brendon was pissed because you left your phone behind and you had a dress fitting, which you ended up missing. You two got into a particularly bad argument, he said some really hurtful things before he left and I took care of you."

Gerard shut his eyes and tried to remember while Frank placed the bandage across his cheekbone. He could distinctly remember having a fight with Brendon, but the words were not memorable even if Frank told him they were damaging. He also remembered looking up at Frank and thinking he was the sweetest man he had ever come across. He did take care of him, and he still was doing so. 

"You didn't have to do all that for me." Gerard played with the tie of his robe, his cheeks warming on their own. "I'm used to taking care of myself."

Frank smiled softly. "I wanted to. You were really out of it, and hurt, I only did what was right."

Gerard's heart warmed on its own accord. He smiled slowly, feeling how tight the bandage was against his cheek. He lifted his head, leaning it and giving Frank's cheek a swift kiss. For a moment, he wished he could give him more, but that would be too ridiculous and romantic. Gerard never had romance. 

"Thank you." He whispered. 

Frank flushed a soft pink, nodding and moving away so Gerard had enough space to jump off the counter. 

"Melanie is making breakfast right now. You need some food in your system."

Gerard's stomach turned at the thought of food. It was coming to the point where he could barely keep anything down anymore. Whenever food slid down his throat, he was suddenly overcome with nausea and anything more than three bites filled him to the brim. If he didn't feel like vomiting, he'd force it back up, going back to his skinny form that shrunk gradually every passing day. 

"I'm really not hungry, Frank." Gerard swallowed heavily, suddenly queasy. 

"When was the last time you ate anything?" Frank raised his eyebrows. 

Gerard couldn't recall. He knew the day before he had half of a smoothie, some water, and a piece of chocolate stolen from the goods table at his photoshoot, but he hadn't eaten a bite of real food in a long time. Unfortunately, that wasn't considered enough.

"I don't remember." He mumbled.

"Then you really do need to eat, that's why you aren't hungry." Frank took Gerard by the arm, gently tugging it to lead him down the hall. "We can't have you collapsing from starvation."

Gerard would much rather have it be that way if it meant not being forced to eat. Nonetheless, he followed Frank down the stairs and into the kitchen area when Melanie was stacking pancakes on a platter while bacon sizzled in a pan sitting on the stove. The greasy and sweet smell was overwhelming, making Gerard's head throb even worse than it originally had. He sat down at the kitchen bar, rubbing his temples with his fingers. The feeling was becoming similar to that of being hit in the side of the head with a baseball bat. The rest of him still ached as well, so perhaps it was more appropriate to say he felt like he had been beaten by a baseball bat.  

"Do you need another painkiller?" Frank asked, dragging a pitcher of orange juice across the table. 

"Yes, thank you." Gerard sighed, his stomach bubbling uncomfortably. 

Frank poured two glasses of orange juice and passed one over to Gerard. He retrieved a bottle of painkillers and shook two into his hand, holding them out to the model. Gerard took them graciously and immediately swallowed the pills without a second thought. The orange juice was cold and tasted fresh, possibly made from the orange juice machine Melanie purchased a couple of weeks ago. 

"I hope you're feeling better this morning, Mr. Way." Melanie said sweetly and placed a plate of pancakes and bacon in front of Gerard. 

"I am, thanks." He forced a quick smile and attempted not to gag at the scent of food wafting up into his nostrils. The smell of it alone was not horrible, in fact, it smelled delicious, but it was Gerard's rapidly shrinking stomach that prevented him from enjoying it. He pretended that all was well as he unrolled his silverware, seeing Frank sit down beside him from the corner of his eye, his own plate of breakfast set down in front of him. 

Melanie left the room after she put away the ingredients she used to cook, packing away extra pancakes. She needed to go out for groceries for the rest of the week, taking her list and her things with her before she disappeared through the front door. Gerard picked at his food, taking small bites and forcing them to stay down. He vowed he would finish at least half of this meal or else he would have another fainting spell like the many moments in the past where he went long periods without eating properly. In his state, he didn't need another mess to be made. 

"Did Brendon tell you to reschedule my fitting appointment?" Gerard asked to break the growing silence between Frank and himself. He hated hearing himself chew, it only disgusted him further. 

"Yes, I rescheduled it for tomorrow at noon." Frank nodded, cutting a piece of his pancake into the shape of a triangle. "Brendon was convinced they wouldn't want to reschedule you, but I convinced him to at least let me give the director a call."

"In all honesty, I forgot about it." Gerard whispered, poking at a chunk of bacon sitting on his plate with his fork. "I have so much shit in store for me almost every day, it's easy to forget certain things."

"It seems hard." Frank smiled sympathetically, slowly setting his fork down. "I don't blame you for getting overwhelmed." 

Gerard smiled softly, glad that he understood. No one ever did, most would assume that it was easy to stand in front of a camera and look pretty. But there was so much to it, all of the preparation and standing under blinding and hot lights for hours along with having meetings, signing papers, joining campaigns for a company's publicity along with his own. Hours of rehearsal for runway shows, events to attend, all of the polishing he required before he was shoved into yet another studio. Minimal sleep, hours of after parties, not to mention squeezing in time for him to enjoy himself and go out to do something he wanted to.

"No one ever said the industry is heaven." Gerard took a small bite of his pancake, chewing slowly as his fork smeared a bit of syrup over the white plate his food was placed on.

"At least it gives you all of this." Frank gestured around the room, his lips quirking into a slight smile. "So many people would kill to have it all."

And many more would kill to give it back. 

Gerard nodded stiffly, forcing a smile onto his closed lips. They suddenly felt glued together and his throat thickened with a knot of unspeakable emotion. Normally, this type of feeling came in tragic episodes he would just drown out with the help of some alcohol or a bit of the pills he stored in safely in his closet. They relaxed him. But with how fucked up he was today, he didn't want to go anywhere near any of those substances. For now, at least, because while knowing himself, he would be itching for another taste of strawberry vodka at the peak of dawn. 

Gerard sighed, dropping his fork beside his napkin and considering himself finished with his meal. He divided his food exactly in half so he wouldn't mistakenly consume more than he initially planned to, pushing one pile to the side of the plate while he ate the other. He felt too full and the fulfillment was like a sin pressing down on his shoulders the more he thought about how much he ate. He bit his lip hard, hoping the pain would drive his mind away from other things that would tempt him to empty himself once again. When the pain and the small bead of blood did nothing to distract him, he stood up with another idea sprouting in his head. 

Gerard placed his hands on his hips and stood beside Frank, his lips smoothing over into a smile. "I think we could use some music." He suggested, making his voice sound airy and light. 

Frank glanced up at his questioningly, his eyebrows lifting. "Do you have a radio or something?" He asked. 

"Mhm, and I have surround sound speakers hooked into the kitchen. It makes the sound so much better." Gerard grinned and pointed to the speakers built into the walls, nestled into the high corners. Frank looked up at them, his lips slowly spreading into a smile. 

Gerard pranced over to the Bluetooth radio system and turned it on, picking one of the stations before connecting the music to the speakers and raising the volume until the song flooded into the room and filled it with a dark beat, a catchy and yet heavily layered type of music that sent a thrill through Gerard. He turned around and grinned at Frank who was already smiling back at him, moving back and forth in the rotating kitchen bar chair. 

Gerard began to shake his hips, swaying his head side to side to the beat of the music. He heard this song before playing in the studio he visited a few weeks ago, but he never caught the name of it or the artist. He enjoyed the thrumming of the bass and the smooth sound of the male lead singer's voice. Gerard loved the way it was alive in the walls and the floor beneath his feet, a sexy and steady beat flowing through the clear sounding speakers hung up all over the room. He ran his hand through his hair, still swaying his hips as he crossed the room to get to Frank. 

"You have to dance with me." Gerard grasped Frank's upper hair and attempted to pull him out of his seat. 

"I told you I don't like dancing, Gerard." Frank protested, not budging as Gerard tugged at him. "I'm the most uncoordinated and awkward person you'll ever meet when it comes to trying to dance."

"I can teach you. It really isn't that hard." Gerard raised one eyebrow, smirking lightly at the latter. Frank rolled his eyes, turning away from him. 

"No, that's final." He mumbled. 

"Spoil sport. Come on, just wiggle your hips a little at the least?" Gerard pouted, leaning in so his face was directly in Frank's line of sight and he could see his protruding bottom lip and wide, pleading eyes. Frank sighed, hazel eyes glancing from Gerard's bottom lip that stuck out sadly to his eyes once more. 

"Just a little, okay? No swing dancing or whatever shit you can do." Frank reluctantly slid off his seat. Gerard, on the other hand, was overjoyed that Frank was finally agreeing to dance with him. When they went out to the club for the first time, he stood his ground and didn't dance at all the whole evening despite Gerard pleading him to at least sway back and forth at his side. It would be easier for him to not be so conscious of his movements when it was only them two in the kitchen, no one else would be a witness so his so-called awkward moves.

Gerard drew him to the empty space between the counter and the sink, standing in front of the latter with a grin keeping his lips apart. "All you've gotta do is sway your hips side to side. Fluidly, like this." Gerard demonstrated by rolling his hips, slowly moving them back and forth to the beat of the song. Frank watched him apprehensively, his eyes following his movement. 

Gerard stopped, gesturing to the latter. "Now you try it."

Frank pursed his lips and glanced down at his own body. Turning a bright shade of red, he slowly began to move his lower body. Swaying back and forth slightly, rolling into a movement that looked much too stiff due to how stiffly he held himself. Gerard bit back a peal of laughter by biting the inside of his cheek.

"Frank, honey, no. You've gotta straighten your back, for one, and you need to loosen up." Gerard pointed to Frank's form, all while showing an example to him. Swaying slowly, body snaking like it had been built to do so. 

"Jesus." Frank mumbled. He attempted to move in such a way again, but the way he moved around mimicked the stiffest person swirling a hoolahoop around their hips. The way he awkwardly moved, the blush on his face, it cracked millions of fissures into the wall keeping Gerard's laughter in until it broke apart and he burst into a fit of loud, obnoxious giggles. He held his stomach, not being able to stop the peals of laughter throwing off Frank's movement until he stopped as a whole. Frank's eyes widened, watching as Gerard had to hold onto the counter for support when his midsection was beginning to ache from the power of his laughter and he swore he would double over if he didn't hold onto anything. 

"Come on, it isn't that funny." Frank tried to defend himself. But Gerard could see the smile threatening to break through on Frank's lips and the way he tried so hard to reel it in. Gerard continued to giggle, but not as intensely as he did before. He reached out for Frank, laying his hand on his upper arm. 

"You weren't lying when you said you couldn't dance." Gerard snickered, his eyes watering with joy. It was something he wasn't used to feeling, this sort of happiness, and he hadn't laughed his hard in such a long time. It felt amazing to finally let it out, too much time had passed since he allowed himself to laugh this way. 

Frank finally cracked and started to chuckle, a smile slowly spreading across  his face until it turned into a wide grin that showed off his teeth. "This is why I didn't want to even try at the club that one night. People would see and they would probably laugh the way you just did."

Gerard laughed lightly, wiping a tear from the corner of his eyes and inhaling deeply before he let it out. "That was the best thing I've seen all year." He breathed and his cheeks ached from smiling. 

Frank rolled his eyes playfully, crossing his arms over his chest. The song playing overhead had changed to one of a faster and more upbeat tune, replacing the song Gerard was enjoying beforehand. He let go of the counter and stood upright, yanking lightly at Frank's arm. 

"At least waltz around with me?" Gerard asked, raising his eyebrows. 

Frank shook his head, but Gerard whined loudly and pulled him closer. 

"We can dance like idiots, I don't care, it's just for fun." Gerard half smiled as he tried to convince the latter, his hand grasping Frank's other arm and gently tugging as he did to the opposite arm. 

"Idiots?" Frank arched an eyebrow and an amused smile smoothed over his rosy tinted lips. Gerard chuckled, nodding his head. 

"Just swaying and twirling, no one's looking." Gerard lifted Frank's arm and twirled around underneath it, laughing airily. Frank joined him in expressing his joy and eventually gave into Gerard's request. 

He twirled Gerard around the room, at times taking both of his hands so the two of them spun around the kitchen until they were dizzy and took a break from the spinning to awkwardly waltz around the room. Frank was unsure of all his movements still and Gerard had to dodge the latter stepping on his feet. They eased into a wobbly pattern that had the both of them laughing and attempting not to bump each other into the corners of the counters. Gerard remembered doing this with Brendon years ago before the both of them got too caught into hectic work to goof around this way. Though they were friends to this day, their friendship was often swallowed whole by business. 

It was easy to be friends with Frank. He wasn't as busy and overloaded with work as Brendon was unless it was a business day or Frank needed to arrange many appointments along with make other phone calls for photoshoots. Frank was helpful and he let Gerard do whatever he pleased, such as convincing him to dance around the room. Gerard was weary at first of letting Frank in and developing a friendship with him, but it was impossible to avoid the way Gerard felt so comfortable around him. The latter had been working with Gerard for not even a whole month yet and he was already willingly cleaning up his messes that he didn't need to take care of. Gerard felt grateful, but he only shallowly made Frank aware of that because he still was not at the level where he could show all of his emotions and share his thoughts yet. 

While they danced, Gerard began to slowly recollect memories from last night. Flooding in piece by piece, a blush spread across Gerard's face and he slowed down in his movement, his smile beginning to fade at the corners. 

Frank noticed his sudden mood change and stopped. looking at him with concern. "What?" He asked. 

Gerard recalled certain details about last night, and suddenly, the most important ones came flooding in. He pulled away from Frank, his eyes flying open. "Holy shit, we almost had sex last night." 

Frank looked taken aback at Gerard's sudden recollection. After a moment of shock, his face flushed softly and he bit his lip sheepishly - fuck, Gerard kissed that lip. 

"N-not entirely, we weren't completely undressed. And I stopped you." Frank mumbled, raking a hand through his hair. 

"I tried to sleep with you, oh my god." Gerard squeezed his eyes shut, covering his face with his hands. "Frank, I'm so sorry. I'm such a god damn slut when I'm drunk or high. Which is most of the time, if you haven't noticed." Gerard sounded mortified in his own ears, admitting to his tendencies when he was under the influence of any of his fatal flaws. He remembered trying to get Frank where he wanted him, he remembered touching and kissing him, and he would be lying if he said he hadn't enjoyed that as much as possible. That didn't mean it wasn't wrong, however.

"You were drunk." Frank said softly, his gaze dropping to the ground. "Alcohol does a lot of things to us, you didn't know what you were doing."

Gerard had known what he was doing, he knew exactly what he wanted and how he wanted it. Something happened to him when he drank or gave into anything else - all of his morals and shyness were stripped from him and he became this fearless, powerful person that everyone adored and resented all the same. He wasn't so ballsy when he had nothing flowing through his system, making him very different from the person he presented on stage and to everyone outside of his bubble. Gerard would admit that this person's awful personality melted into his own and he became the shameless model, leaving the other side of him in the dark most often. 

And another part of him was attracted to Frank - Gerard's body, to be more specific, felt this attraction. Gerard wanted it all, everything the latter had to offer, but not because he was looking to fall in love. Now, without any ugly substance to cloud his mind, guilt filled Gerard's stomach and made him feel sick all of a sudden. Knowing he would go back to that feeling of wanting to suck Frank dry of everything he had, innuendo and other various meanings, he couldn't stop himself from apologizing once more. 

"You're right, and I'm sorry. I hope you don't think I'm a total whore now." Gerard forced a smile, his stomach turning. 

"You aren't a whore." Frank reassured, returning his smile - but his was genuine.

Gerard knew he was. The narcissistic part of him was proud of that. There was coming a point where it wasn't only a part of him, but it was him, and he couldn't stop it from happening.


	10. 10. Heavy Tension

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dinner with the director of a fashion show takes a sharp turn leaving the evening in tatters.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been a literal year since I've added another chapter and I have no excuse since this book is already finished AND it has a sequel...so sorry, I'm here to post the rest xo

Frank was finally beginning to feel the same worry and concern Brendon felt when it came to Gerard just being Gerard. After he took the responsibility of taking care of Gerard when he was too drunk and heartbroken to stand, something in Frank's mind urged him to keep a closer eye on the latter to ensure such a fiasco wouldn't occur again. He began to ask if Gerard needed anything more often, made sure to accompany him at dinner to make sure he ate at least half a portion of his meals. He was becoming too frail, it would be a matter of time before he turned into skin and bones. Frank knew he grinded on Gerard's nerves some days because he was always in his shadow, but he couldn't stop himself. He watched Gerard drink excessively, lying about carrying a water bottle with him at all times when it was actually vodka. Frank took a whiff of it one day when he noticed Gerard would drink from the bottle and cringe slightly with every sip, rising his suspicions no matter how discreet the model tried to be. Gerard would somehow sneak away to consume some sort of drug on occasion, Frank noticed the fogginess in his eyes and the way his entire exterior persona changed. If he tried to say anything at all, Gerard would snap at him or ignore him completely, slipping back into his old habits.

Both Brendon and Frank knew that no matter what they said to Gerard, the model would just never understand that he was falling apart little by little with everything he was doing to himself. Frank knew beauty wasn't immortal. It was like art, fragile and so easy to tarnish with a wink of a mistake. Gerard wouldn't be as lovely as he was now in the future if he kept at it, and Frank didn't want that to be his brutal wakeup call. He was afraid nothing else was working, and eventually, he forced himself to stop caring so much. Caring was an interference, Frank had a mission he was supposed to complete and emotion could be the downfall of it.

Tonight, Gerard invited Frank to attend a dinner with him and the director of the fashion show he would be the main model in, a woman at the peak of her career in the fashion world. Brendon was unable to attend due to his wife Sarah grieving from the passing of her mother, so the seat was left open for Frank to take. The dinner would be held in a restaurant with a French name Frank couldn't recall to save his life, and Gerard told him it was far more classier than any place he had eaten at before. He was nervous to say the least and he didn't have a clue what he was supposed to wear. If he overdressed or underdressed, he would make a total fool out of himself.

Gerard opened up Frank's closet before the two of them started getting ready for the night. Gerard was fresh out of the shower, clad in tiny gym shorts and a thin plain t-shirt for now, his hair soaking wet and leaving a large wet spot on the collar of the shirt. Frank could tell from a few glances that the latter's body was completely hairless, his body smooth with a subtle glow under the lighting in the room. The thin material of his shirt was beginning to cling to his chest and Frank flickered his eyes away each time he found them trying to stray back to the sight.

"A tuxedo and a tie is a little too over the top." Gerard informed, sifting through the clothes on the hangers. "I think just a blazer over a button down shirt will be fine, some nice pants and dress shoes."

"So no ties?" Frank glanced at the drawer where he kept his slowly growing collection of ties.

"No, it's only dinner. If it was dinner and an event, then yes, a tie would be suitable." Gerard pulled out a few clothing items for Frank to wear, keeping most on the hanger, and he laid the outfit out on the bed for him to take a look at.

It was a black matte blazer and a charcoal colored button down shirt, the pants matching the blazer well in color, and proper black dress shoes to pull it all together.

"Put this on and you'll look handsome for sure." Gerard smiled, patting Frank on the cheek before prancing out of the room while yelling something about getting his hair and makeup finished in time. Frank smoothed out the subtle wrinkles in the clothes with his hand at first, nerves fluttering in his stomach. He went and shut the door before stripped his current clothing to change into the outfit Gerard picked out for him.

An hour and a half into the evening and Frank was completely finished, waiting for Gerard to leave his room for them to leave. His hair was combed back carefully and his waves were unknotted for once, almost to his shoulders at this point. He'd been meaning to cut his hair, but he was unsure of what style to get next. He looked in the mirror countless times to make sure he looked acceptable, running his hands across his freshly shaven face to assure he didn't leave behind any stubble. He always became fidgety when he had an important place to be that required him looking presentable. He knew he would be amongst people who weren't quite so simple tonight and the thought alone had him wondering if his flipping stomach would allow him to eat anything at dinner.

"Frank, can you please tell me if you think this dress is too much?" Gerard called out from the hallway, the sound of his heels growing louder as he approached Frank's room. Frank turned around, expecting to see Gerard appear in the doorway.

He hadn't quite been ready for his eyes to be met with a vision. Not a person, but a pure vision of art standing in his doorway, waiting for his approval. Gerard stood there, dressed in a champagne colored silk gown that shimmered in the lighting, the sleeves hanging on his milky while shoulders. The dress ended below his knees, simple in the front, clinging to his body in all the right places to show off the lovely shape of his legs and the subtle amount of curve at the middle of his waist. When he turned around, Frank's breath stuck in his throat. The dress was completely backless, showing off his smooth, perfect flesh that Frank itched to run his fingers across the more he looked at it. He wore a necklace that had been a simple silver chain in the front with a glimmering pearl as a pendant, but it wasn't for the front. The chain extended just an inch past the curve of the middle of his back, a row of glistening pearls until an oval shaped diamond ended the shimmering string of jewelry. The lotion Gerard applied had a subtle glow to it, making his skin sparkle whenever the light washed over it. It would have been impossible for any man or woman with eyes to not crave to have the beauty in their arms, running their hands across the smooth canvas of his flawless skin, listening to his airy giggles as he gracefully slipped away into the night, never to be seen again to uphold his infamous habit of one night stands.

"I feel like I'm showing too much skin." Gerard snapped Frank out of his trance and turned around, his lips shaping into a pout. "Not that I ever really care about that, but I don't want to be kicked out of the restaurant."

Frank cleared his throat, his eyes flickering over Gerard's perfectly made up face and his elegant curls that he held up for the evening. One curl slipped out of the bun he made, endearingly brushing against his porcelain cheek shimmering with a light sheen of cosmetics whenever he moved.

"I think it's perfect." Frank nodded, fighting a blush. "You look beautiful."

Gerard smiled brightly, flicking the stray red curl away from his face. "Thank you. I was really going for a bit of a shocking look, but I didn't want it to shock people in a negative way, you know what I mean?" Gerard titled his head to the side slightly.

Frank nodded, not quite knowing what Gerard meant at all because whenever he blinked, the image of Gerard's bare, smooth back flashed behind his eyelids. That curve that was exposed, the dress hanging dangerously close to the very end of his back, it was almost ridiculous how something so simple could be one of the most beautiful things Frank ever laid his eyes on. A woman in the same gown could never stand a chance compared to the beauty that was Gerard Way adorned in a backless dress.

"We should get going now. Are you ready?" Gerard's eyes raked over Frank's form and they lit up when he approved of what he saw, his lip tucking itself in between his teeth.

"Yes, ready when you are." Frank smiled slightly, patting his hair down again.

"Let me get my purse. You can head downstairs already, Dallon should be waiting already." Gerard retreated to his own room, his matching heels clicking against the floor with every step he took. Frank took a moment to compose himself before he went down to the first floor, but he knew this wasn't the only time he would be dazzled this evening.

 

 

The place they walked into was an area where Frank could immediately tell wasn't for someone looking for a bite at midnight. As he stepped in, the sound of soft jazz music filled his ears and his eyes drank in the sight of gold painted walls and the graceful arches at the entrance, spiraling engraving adding to the design. Warm lighting filled the room, coming from the bulbs built into the ceiling beside the electric chandeliers. Light bounced off the glittering crystals in an array of orbs, shining over the threaded red carpet under their feet. The tables were all covered in a silk table cloths along with fine china and wine glasses, more silverware than Frank had ever used in his life. The fountain in the center of the room threw him off the most, especially when he attempted to look aloof to blend in with the rest of the well dressed people dining.

"This is a bit flashy." Frank whispered to Gerard, fixing the collar of his shirt.

Gerard pursed his glossed lips to hold back a chuckle, hugging his silk wrap closer to his body. "The rich and famous tend to pick only the most top quality places to do anything in." Gerard whispered, guiding him to the front.

A waiter approached them, holding an abundance of menus to his chest. He was dressed in an all black uniform, an apron tied around his waist and a nametag pinned to his button down shirt. He looked almost too pleased to see Gerard, his eyes widening as he took him in.

"What can I do for the world's favorite model this evening?" He asked, his voice bright and cheerful.

"We have reservations with Lucinda Delaney." Gerard informed him.

"Ah, Ms. Delaney. I'll bring you right to her, please follow me." The waiter turned on his heels and headed towards the collection of occupied tables to the right. Frank trailed behind Gerard as they walked into the dining area, passing tables full of sophisticated individuals that made Frank feel extremely out of place despite being dressed similarly to the other men. He tried to keep his expression calm and collected, but his heart was racing.

"Gerard, oh my goodness, you look _stunning!_ " Exclaimed the blonde woman sitting at the table they were seated at. She stood up, holding her arms out for Gerard. Gerard smiled at her kindly, embracing her, and they kissed each other's cheeks before they took a seat.

"You look amazing too, Lucinda." Gerard complimented, his head tilting to the side slightly as he took in her outfit.

Lucinda Delaney must have only been a few years older than Gerard, and she was truly a lovely woman. Her golden brown curls pooled to her shoulders and her red velvet dress hugged her skinny tall frame, the sloping curve at her waist where the dress cinched and a black sash wrapped around it snugly. She was only a few shades darker than Gerard in skin color and her eyes were light green, piercing as they look at Frank when he took a seat beside his boss.

"And this must be your new assistant?" Lucinda asked, holding her manicured hand out for Frank to shake.

Frank took her hand, nodding in confirmation. "Frank Iero. It's a pleasure to meet you."

"Oh, the pleasure is all mine, meeting such a handsome man." Lucinda giggled, withdrawing her hand and biting her lipstick coated bottom lip.

Frank blushed, not catching the way Gerard frowned at her for saying such a thing.

"So, my darling, I wanted to discuss the line of fashion we will be representing this upcoming show." Lucida said, taking a menu from the waiter handing them out to them. Another came around, filling their glasses with champagne Lucinda ordered beforehand. Frank gratefully took a small sip of the bubbling substance, needing a little something at least to get him through the night.

"I do hope you invited my dear Frances to model at my side." Gerard took a drag from his drink, quirking an eyebrow at the woman across from him. His motive wasn't to look intimidating, but he did nonetheless. Lucinda, however, must have been used to it.

"Unfortunately Frances in unavailable, she was assigned to another line which I assure you is just as wonderful as ours." Lucinda sifted through the menu as she spoke.

"What kind of designs do you have in store this year?" Gerard asked.

"I was thinking we could go all out this year. In the past, I've done swim wear, a winter line, one for spring. Perhaps we could invest in lavish gowns, some nearly outrageous in how revealing and gorgeous they all are." Lucinda quirked a perfectly filled in eyebrow, raising her glass to her full lips.

"I could see that going pretty smoothly." Gerard glanced at Frank, pursing his lips. "Maybe Frank could get a role in participating."

Frank nearly choked on the sip of champagne he had just taken, making Gerard and the director burst into a fit of laughter. Frank, on the other hand, was flushing after suffering a great shock from the statement Gerard made.

"If he's willing to wear a dress, then I don't see why not." Lucinda giggled, hiding the lower half of her face with her menu.

"Sorry to let you down, but I'm no confident model like my boss." Frank smiled sheepishly, nervously glancing at Gerard. The latter was holding back his laughter, pretending to be invested in the menu folded out in front of him. The image of himself wearing a dress, let alone strutting across a stage in one, had him suppressing a wild cringe of his own.

After a brief moment of embarrassment, Gerard and Lucinda got talking about the fashion show being organized. Frank would add his own comment here and there, but other than the occasional opinion, he was at a loss of words when it came to talk about the industry. He heard a flurry of names being thrown around, some models he heard about before in magazines and other various social media. The main focus was on Gerard, however, and it seemed like the director depended on his opinion to keep her show as lively and interesting as possible. If anything, Frank thought Gerard would be better off directing the show himself. Lucinda had her own creative ideas and all the designs were her own, and Frank at least gave her credit for her personal talent.

For dinner, all three started off with a simple salad and a cream soup that tasted like heaven on Frank's tastebuds. He was unsure of the name of the soup, and he was disappointed to see it was merely a small starter for his main course. At this point in time, Frank was more invested in the food than the conversation between his boss and the director. He would occasionally zone out to listen to the other sounds in the room, such as the clinking of glasses and the scrape of silverware on porcelain plates. He also eavesdropped on a conversation between a couple behind them, the topic being a scandal they recently learned about within their ring of friends. He could tell they were rich snobs right off the bat from the haughty tone of their voices and they way they looked down upon one poor woman who happened to be less fortunate than the both of them.When dinner arrived, Frank was amazed by the perfect pile of pasta laid in front of him. The noodles had been spun into a neat circular pile on the center of his plate, topped with a tiny arrangement of green leaves in the center and parmesan cheese powdered lightly over the top. His champagne was replaced with red wine Lucinda ordered to be brought to the table and he was given free mint chocolates for when he was finished. Lucinda ordered herself the pasta with lamb ragu, Gerard settling for the spinach stuffed ravioli coated in a rich pesto sauce.

"So, Frank." Lucinda cut in after dinner was served and the waiter left the table. "How long have you been working for Gerard?"

"Only a few weeks, not too long." Frank twirled pasta around his fork, pursing his lips as he watched stream rise from the inside of the pile.

"Whatever happened to your other assistant?" Lucinda arched her eyebrows at Gerard.

 Gerard rolled his eyes, placing his napkin over his lap. "The woman was too much to bear, too opinionated and she stuck her nose too far into my business. She got on my last nerve, so I fired her."

"This one seems much better." Lucinda smiled kindly at Frank. "How do you like working for Gerard so far?"

Frank swallowed his mouthful of food before he spoke. "I like it, it's very different from everything else I've done. That says a lot since I've been working in the industry for quite a while."

"Frank has some very good things written on his resume, even his grades from school are excellent." Gerard glanced at him through his lashes, smirking slightly.

"An even better replacement. That Lindsey was much too quiet and shy, it was rude how she would be here but have her mind in another place." Lucinda shook her head, one of her curls bouncing from the movement.

Frank hadn't heard much about Gerard's previous assistant other than the fact that she was fired and she seemed to have been an inconvenience to Gerard. He wondered if she truly was a burden or if she was misunderstood by two people who clearly weren't shy nor quiet themselves. People who lived in glam often had no pity for people with normal lives.

"Frank is a wonderful assistant. I think I'll keep him." Gerard winked, a teasing smile flashing over his face. Frank smiled back slightly, his face warming at the compliment. He felt like he had no idea what he was doing the entire time he was working for Gerard, but the reassurance let him know that it must have been in his head.

"I hope you're not sleeping with him as you do with the rest of them." Lucinda mentioned, pushing her food around her plate with her fork.

Her mentioning such a thing caused Frank to stiffen in his seat. Frank immediately sensed the tension coming from Gerard's behalf, becoming blatantly obvious upon the long silence that followed after.

Gerard, his gaze as sharp as knives despite the overall blankness on his face, traced his finger around the rim of his wine glass. "What makes you think I'm sleeping with him?" His voice was as smooth and emotionless as his expression.

The woman chuckled, waving her hand in the air near her head. "I know you've slept with nearly all of your employees, Mr. Way, and I don't judge you for doing so. Most of the models that work with me are sluts."

The implication within her words was enough to make Frank's throat tighten with the need to say a few words in Gerard's defense. Despite the woman thinking this was normal conversation to have, she was being more than unprofessional by mentioning Gerard's sexual affairs.

"Lucinda, I have no clue why your knowledge makes you think you can assume I've slept with my assistant." Gerard narrowed his eyes into slits, long and mascara coated lashes tangling together.

"I was only teasing, honey, unless you really have gotten a bite out of him." Lucinda winked at Frank and the man's stomach turned with discomfort. Gerard glanced at her sharply, eyes quickly flitting in between them both.

"No, I haven't. I don't see why that would be any of your business in the first place." Gerard slammed his wine glass down, making the two others jump slightly in their seats. Frank shot the latter a concerned glance, but he brushed it off by pursing his lips and planting his deadly eyes on the director.

Lucinda shifted in her seat, becoming uncomfortable all of a sudden. "Please, Gerard, we can return to a strictly professional conversation if you wish."

"No, Ms. Delaney, I want to know something." Gerard's lips curled into a sickeningly sweet smile, his irises sparkling as he perched his chin on the back of his hand and leaned forward.

Lucinda raised her eyebrows, glancing nervously at Frank. "Yes?"

"Do you think I'm a slut like the rest of your models?"

Frank cut in softly, a shock running down his spine. "Mr. Way, I don't think we should get into this."

"Oh don't worry, sugar, I can take a little venom here and there." Gerard shook his head, eagerly glancing at Lucinda. The director looked flustered, her hands fidgeting in her lap.

"Dear, I think you are lovely, no matter how many people you've taken to bed. It's your body, your choice." Lucinda laughed breathily, but she appeared to be a deer under the eyes of a predator. Gerard played the part in his eyes, ready to tear her apart.

"No need to sugar coat it, Luce. I know I'm a slut, possibly the biggest one in the whole industry. And yes, you're right. My body, my choice. Please tell me your real opinion." Gerard titled his head to the side slightly.

Lucinda's eyes widened, borderline appalled by the way Gerard addressed himself. Frank watched it all unfold, nerves tingling under his skin in the most unpleasant way. His eyes flitted between them both until he felt dizzy and useless sitting there watching.

"Lindsey works for one of my clients and word spread of the way you treated her." Lucinda finally blurted out. She pursed her lips, folding her hands together. "She claims you used her for sex despite disappearing countless amounts of times to seek more sex at night, and you fired her when she finally said no to your advances."

Silence. Frank, on one hand, was not surprised at all by the allegations Gerard's former assistant  made. It sounded like a tale of truth, having known the model long enough to witness his bad habits and the needs he demanded to have fulfilled. On another hand, Frank couldn't help but feel shocked. It was a quite a heavy confession, especially because the reasons for Gerard firing his previous assistant remained unknown to him.

Gerard exhaled steadily through his nose. His eyes fell away from Lucinda's flushed face and into his own lap, but Frank could see they were filled with a light that held something far from entertainment or contentment.

"And now you think lowly of me." Gerard muttered through his gritted teeth.

"I think you have such beauty and talent." Lucinda said softly. "But whoring yourself out in such a manner will taint that."

With that, Gerard quickly rose from his seat, ripping his napkin away from his lap and placing it over his half finished plate of food. "I think I've had enough entertainment for one night. So has Frank, right?"

The look in his eyes kept Frank from saying otherwise. He rose from his chair, setting his lips into a thin line as he carefully avoided eye contact with the director. He handed Gerard's clutch purse back to him after the model placed his wrap around his body once again and smoothed back his hair.

" _Gerard_ , what about making our appointments for your rehearsals?" Lucinda fluttered her hands frantically. "And the fittings, the approval for the designs-"

"Brendon and Frank will sort that out with you. I'm merely a slutty model here to work for you, I expect my pay to be exceptional unless you would love every client you work with to know you think they're whores." Gerard glared at her coldly, his voice dripping with the threat he tossed her way. Frank very well knew with Gerard's type of power, the model could easily ruin Lucinda's career. He held the world in the palm of his hand and the most beloved face on the planet would also become the most credible source for accusations.

"I will double your payment. As long as you don't drop out from the program. I need you." Lucinda pleaded, her eyebrows drawing together.

"That's the spirit, Luce. The best way to save yourself." Gerard beckoned for Frank to follow as he began to swiftly walk away. Frank took one last glance at the director who had gone pale before he went after Gerard, following in his quick footsteps.

"Where are we going?" Frank asked.

"Home. I'm going to give Brendon a call, then you both can associate yourselves with that bitch because all I want to do is spit on her at this point." Gerard lead Frank to the exit, swiftly hanging a tip to the waiter who had served them before he continued on. Frank went ahead and held the door open for the latter, feeling the chill of the night blowing over his face in the form of a soft breeze.

"Is she someone you want to have bad blood with, Gerard?" Frank asked him hesitantly. Gerard stepped onto the sidewalk, hugging his wrap closer to his body and shivering as his eyes swept across the street in search for Dallon.

"I have been nothing but kind to her, she had the audacity to call me a slut. I can ruin her career in the blink of an eye, I have plenty of dirt of her to begin with." Gerard spoke dismissively, spotting Dallon across the road. "Come on."

Once they were inside the car again, they were enveloped with warmth in contrast to the chilling winter air outside. It was now nearing the end of November, and what with Thanksgiving being less than a handful of days away, the temperatures were dropping rapidly. Frank saw the way Gerard shivered in the seat across from him, and even if the latter was putting on a brave face by letting his anger surface, he could see the tinge of hurt turning the corners of his eyes red.

Frank sighed and shrugged off his blazer. He handed it to Gerard. letting it give the model some warmth that his elegant dress couldn't provide. Gerard visibly softened at the latter. He slowly took it into his hand, looking between the blazer and back at Frank.

"I know you were uncomfortable the whole time." Gerard's voice seemed to have lost some of its previous anger.

"It's nothing I couldn't stand." Frank shrugged, biting his bottom lip slightly. He recalled being involved in other much more uncomfortable encounters, such as finding his best friend in high school in bed with a random girl - noting, it was Frank's bed they were having sex in. He supposed no one cared which room they picked to have sex in during a party filled with booze and cheap weed, but Frank did, especially if it was his own room.

"This happens quite a lot in this kind of work. Everyone is either your lover or your enemy." Gerard sounded wistful, his eyes casting out the window after he placed the blazer over his shoulders and relaxed against the seats.

Frank couldn't stop that statement from imbedding itself into his mind. For a long moment, he turned over the words, thought them through, connected all of the dots in a stretch of silence. He could tell Gerard was thinking about it as well. His head was angled so he could stare out the window, the city lights glistening in his eyes and the glitter surrounding his lids. Frank believed it. Gerard spent hours away in search for someone to satisfy him, making the night his lover. In the day, he drank until he was out of focus and unaware of his actions, shielding himself with a bitter shell, turning all who approached him into his enemy. Frank saw no in between, and he wondered if he fell into any of those categories.

Frank fell into none. Maybe it was better that way, because in becoming Gerard's enemy, he would be torn apart, and in becoming Gerard's lover, he would tear himself apart.


	11. 11. Rules of a Heartbreaker

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard finds someone in hopes to keep himself occupied, but his disinterest slowly begins to explain itself whether he likes it or not.

The next dress fitting was full of an unspoken tension between Gerard and Lucinda. The woman seemed anxious and eager to please Gerard to the best of her ability, having her workers running around with a snap of her fingers to give him the things he needed. Gerard was smug to say the least, knowing his words had a lasting affect on her. There would be no issues in the future or else Lucinda's career would be on his hook, a hook he spent his time slowly sharpening just in case. He wouldn't tolerate anyone insulting him or assuming horrible things, especially bringing Frank into the equation. Something about her targeting Frank in specific rubbed Gerard the wrong way. What with the bit of guilt he carried for seducing Frank even after he set boundaries, he didn't want anyone to bring up any sort of assumption that he had slept with the latter. Gerard didn't want Frank to be dragged into the drama of the industry, but he realized that would be an impossible feat if the man worked for him. But he could prevent it as much as he could, and telling Lucinda to keep her mouth shut worked out quite nicely.

Early in the morning, Gerard attended his dress fitting appointment set in the studio where the fashion show would be held in just a few weeks. The place was large and the runway was a long strip running through the theater hall, illuminated by the bright lights shining down onto the shiny black flooring. The backstage area was just as big, the red carpeting soft and bright in contrast to the black painted walls. Gerard stood on a pedestal as people hurried around him, bringing out their measuring tapes and the different gowns for him to approve or disapprove of.

"I said anything that doesn't have that wretched itchy fabric." Gerard snapped at one of the women holding out a gown with a material that felt like a burlap sack against his sensitive white skin. It wasn't the first time he told the designers not to show him anything with the sort of fabric he revolted and he was quickly growing impatient when it kept reappearing. The woman scurried away, entering the room where all of the dresses were being kept.

"Which fabrics would you prefer, Mr. Way?" Lucinda's assistant asked. She was a petite woman with golden hair, lips colored as red as wine. Gerard smirked down at her, watching the woman's cheeks slowly fill with color under his leering gaze.

"Anything soft, honey. Like your hair." Gerard reached out, brushing his fingertips across one of her silky curls resting on her shoulder. The woman gasped softly, lashes fluttering as her gaze rapidly moved from his face to his hand that touched her hair so gently.

"O-of course, I'll be right back." She cleared her throat and turned her back to retrieve a few dresses.

Gerard glanced around the room, catching the eyes of Frank who was currently taking a phone call with one of the managers of the show to assure Gerard's name would be headlining the show. Frank raised his eyebrows at Gerard questioningly, glancing in the direction of Lucinda's assistant. Gerard only smiled innocently, rocking side to side slightly to let the skirt of the gown he wore ripple gently around him.

"Will this gown do, Mr. Way?" One of the designers asked Gerard, calling his attention to the gown she held out to him. The dress was a shimmering gold, taking the silhouette of thorny roses all along the top until it disappeared into golden glitter on the sheer material of the billowing skirt. Gerard took an immediate liking to it, snapping his fingers and calling for one of the women to strip him.

He held out his arms and waited as she unzipped his dress and slid it off his arms, letting it pool at his feet. He stepped out of the dress, awaiting the new dress to be held out for him to try on. Once he was stepping into it and pushing his arms through the off shoulder sleeves, he helped move his limbs about as the designer zipped him up and adjusted the fabric to flare out the way it was meant to.

"How do you like it? We can make alterations, we have enough time to remake any of the gowns you wish." Lucinda's assistant said as she reappeared beside Gerard, smoothing out a wrinkle at the bottom of the dress.

Gerard turned to face the mirror and take in how his form looked while draped in the beautiful material. He placed his hands on his hips and eyed himself up and down, drinking in how the fabric clung to his waist and began to flow as sleek as a waterfall once the seam of the middle of the dress hit his hips. His hands ran over the shimmering gold, fingertips trailing over the intricate details imbedded into the design. He admired the way the color looked against his pale skin, how the sheer material at the bottom exposed his legs.

"I think this is perfect the way it is." Gerard smiled at his own reflection, smoothing his hands over his waist.

"Mr. Way approves." Lucinda spoke into her earpiece, most likely telling the designer who was on the other line. After she received a reply, she nodded, hugging a clipboard close to her well endowed chest. "Alright, sir, those are all the gowns we have today. Only five need to be altered, correct?"

"Yes. And I want pearls to go with the blue one, the one with the velvet." Gerard nodded, still admiring himself in the mirror. He wished he could bring the dress home, and he was sure he could get his hands on it when the show was over, what with the tricks he had up his sleeve.

"I'll make sure this all gets to my boss, thank you." The woman nodded, brushing a curl of golden hair behind her ear. As she turned to walk away, Gerard reached out for her wrist, wrapping his gentle fingers around it to stop her. She turned to stare at him with large brown eyes, her lips parting.

"You have my number in your system, don't you, sweetheart?" Gerard whispered to her, leaning in close so only she could hear the softness of his voice.

She blinked rapidly, her cheeks flushing cherry red. "Yes, I do."

"Keep it with you. What's your name?" Gerard stepped off the pedestal, turning his body slowly so he was facing the lovely woman entirely. His fingertips skated across her wrist, brushing over the gold of her bracelet, slowly trailing up the smooth skin of her arm. Her skin was dusted in soft freckles, light enough for them to only be noticeable up close.

"Evelyn." She murmured, her eyes following his every movement. Her chest was moving up and down quickly, but Gerard could barely hear the sounding of her breathing.

He chuckled, low and sultry enough to make the woman shudder as he intended for her to. She was melting quick, making her an easy prey to Gerard. He would love to have her in his bed for one night, what with having too much pent up sexual frustration after having two pairs of eyes watching him at all times ever since his recent breakdown. He hated to be treated as weak, so he needed to regain his strength, take back his place in the food chain society had become.

"I'd love to get better acquainted with you, Evelyn." Gerard lifted his hand to touch her cheek, barely brushing his fingertips against the blushing piece of her. Evelyn smiled nervously, nodding her head eagerly.

"Evelyn, get over here!" Lucinda yelled across from the room, obviously overwhelmed by the swarming of her workers surrounding her with orders for the designs. Evelyn was snapped out of her trance and she turned her head to look at her boss, looking like a child who had been caught getting into something she was not allowed to get into. Gerard drew his hand away, throwing a dirty look in the direction of Lucinda.

"I'll call you." Evelyn whispered and smiled sheepishly as she bit her lip. Oddly, that smile reminded Gerard of Frank, the way her teeth dug into her plump bottom lip as she smiled so sweetly. Gerard quickly brushed the odd thought away and smiled back at her, waiting until she was walking away to unzip the dress he wore and gather his own set of clothes.

As Gerard was sliding his body back into his short sundress and thigh highs, Frank appeared beside him, turning off his earpiece to hang up on whoever he had on the line.

"We have to get you to Marilyn's studio so she can begin shooting you for the new perfume commercial Brendon signed you up for." Frank reminded him of a task he had completely forgotten about and Gerard groaned internally at the thought of it. He put his heels back on, slipping one foot into a ruby red stiletto.

"Do I at least get to make out with a half naked man like I did last time?" Gerard looked up at Frank through his cascading red hair as he bent down to slip his other foot into his heel.

"I don't know the exact plan, but I do know it's set in a garden." Frank crossed his arms over his broad chest, and Gerard was momentarily distracted by his hand - there was thin plastic wrapped around it, and as Gerard peered a bit closer, he could see brand new ink etched into his flesh. The skin was still slightly irritated from the needle, and the black was dark as pitch.

"New tat?" Gerard stood straight, cocking his hip out slowly and placing his hand over the jutting curve.

Frank looked down at his hand, a bit surprised that Gerard noticed it. He smiled, rotating his wrist. "Yeah, got it done last night after you went out."

Gerard bit his lip, his memory full of his drunken kiss with a stranger and a blur of lights and countless drinks. He was sure he had an amazing time, but the headache in the memory spoiled any bit of fun he may have had.

"I like it." Gerard's eyes traced the wiry art spiraling between and under the rest of his art, snaking its way across his hand.

"Gerard, Frank, we don't have time for small talk. We've gotta go." Brendon cut in as he swiftly walked past them, looking rigid as ever. Gerard rolled his eyes at his manager's stiff tone. Nonetheless, he quickly gathered his bag and slid his sunglasses over his eyes, sighing as he made his way to the back exit with Frank only a few paces in front of him. Another day in the world of glam, and Gerard wished he could live a single hour in the life of someone normal.

 

 

The next week and a half was a flurry of beauty and dresses. Appointments for fittings, practice for walking down the runway in the shoes Gerard was meant to wear the day of the fashion show - not just one pair, but multiple to coordinate with each different dress. For the first time ever, he struggled to walk so smoothly in heels, especially in the black high platforms Lucinda matched with the spider web lace dress meant to add onto goth chic fashion. He and the others models spent days practicing, striking poses and attempting to keep their eyes from making direct contact with the blinding white spotlights following their every step. Aside from this, Gerard's life was mixed with sex and alcohol, the occasional pill if he woke up feeling absolutely nothing at all. The happiness the drugs brought him was all artificial and he knew it would fade as soon as the pill wore off, but he would take anything rather than be a numb waste of flesh dressed in cashmere. His bones even buzzed with the high, giving him the impression that he was unstoppable and beautiful. That was the beauty of it and he clung to it as much as he could.

The sex was heightened when he was fucked up. Everything felt better, he focused more on the sensations running through his body than the person he was with, how disgusting he was being in reality if he was willing to throw his body to the next person who wanted it. He decided to lay on the low for now, keeping Evelyn at his side. She was a sweet girl who was responsive and willing, easy to summon and shut up with a kiss. Gerard preferred it that way - sexual, hot, no words needing to be spoken. The more he talked, the less arousal he felt. Evelyn was safe to be with. She was beautiful, smart, a wonder in bed.  She did some modeling of her own when Lucinda wanted to use her amazing body for a new design. The woman had perfect breasts, hips that curved wonderfully into her thighs, a small waist and clear skin. Her smile was bright, her hair was like the sunshine, and her voice was soft. Gerard liked to think he ought to settle down with someone who was a perfect as her, but Gerard was not one for commitment, and the thought of condemning himself to sex with only one person was a horror to him.

Perhaps he was becoming addicted to sex. But for now, this woman would suffice, and no one would complain to him about his overactive sex life if he was only involved with one person.

Gerard could feel Evelyn wrapping around him tightly as she neared her climax. Her skin was flushed and some places were red with sex rash, the both of their bodies were sweaty as they stuck together. Gerard's eyes were closed and he focused on nothing but her clenching around him, the pressure in his lower body winding tighter and tighter until he began to orgasm. He felt it fluttering through him, the soft tingles turning into shocking waves that rolled through him. Evelyn was moaning, arching her back and pressing her hands into Gerard's upper back. She was coming, Gerard could feel it around his pulsing cock.

When they were finished, it became a quiet affair. They laid on their backs in his bed, sticky bodies tangled in the sheets, their chests rising and falling to the rhythm of their heavy breathing. Gerard felt dizzy, his eyes moving back and force in his skull until he shut them tightly and tried to catch his breath. He yanked the condom off of himself, tying it and tossing it into the bin beside his bed. Despite the drugs giving him a buzz, the sex drained him and he felt nothing once again. He was growing tired of the high wearing off by something so natural to him, and it seemed that sex wasn't quite doing its job of keeping him distracted anymore. It could have been because he had the same woman in his bed every night now. The first time was amazing, right on top of the desk in her office. The excitement of it kept him alight for the rest of the night, but now, there was no excitement to be spared.

Gerard waited until Evelyn fell asleep to face her. He turned his head, his cheek brushing against the pillow under his head. Her golden hair was splayed over her own pillow, curls tangled and shimmering like spun sunshine. Her pink lips were slightly open and her eyelashes rested upon the tops of her cheeks, her chest moving up and down with her even breaths. Gerard brushed the back of his hand over a section of her hair, ghosting it over her neck, then brushing it past her full breast and her rosebud pink nipple. She looked like sleeping beauty, resting peacefully with a flush under her cheeks. Gerard still felt nothing as he looked at her. Perhaps some admiration from her beauty that looked like it rooted from royalty, but nothing close to what he should have felt. Any normal man would look at a woman like this and feel a pull towards her. He would want to fuck her as he had just now, but he would also want to hold her, kiss her, be anywhere she was. Brendon mentioned they would make a pretty couple, but Gerard couldn't envision himself taking Evelyn out, holding her as they watched a fire crackle in the fireplace with soft music playing in the background. If he forced himself into pursuing it, he would only make himself miserable, and his faith to her would be thinner than ice covering a lake in the very beginning of spring. Despite him feeling no romance for her, he knew she was too good to have her heart broken.

Gerard tore his eyes away from her when he heard the soft sound of footsteps coming down the hall. There was no light slipping in from under the crack of his door and his own room was dim in lighting. He knew it was Frank from the rhythm of his steps, and the latter had went out early during the day. It was Thanksgiving, a holiday Gerard abandoned long ago since he had no family. At least, he was associated with none of them anymore. Frank, however, had his mother. He told Gerard he would be back late, and as Gerard glanced at the clock on his phone, he was correct. The time was one in the morning, meaning Thanksgiving was over and Frank was home.

Gerard pulled on his underwear and an oversized sweatshirt that barely covered his ass. Nonetheless, he quietly went and opened his door, taking one last glance at Evelyn's peaceful face before he stepped outside and silently shut the door behind him.

Frank's door was halfway open and his dim lamp was on, casting the softest glow across the hallway. Gerard quietly stepped over to the doorway, suddenly catching his lip between his teeth when he realize he caught Frank halfway into getting dressed. His back was to Gerard and he was completely unaware of his presence, leaving him to shed his shirt and set it aside. Gerard's eyes drank in the many tattoos covering Frank's back, the curve of his body and his wide shoulders, his smooth skin that glowed in the gentle light of the lamp. The sight was short lived, he was already sliding a plain shirt over his head and putting his arms through the sleeves. Once he had his shirt on and he was tossing his other clothes into a basket of dirty laundry, Gerard gently knocked on the door to make himself known.

Frank turned around, his eyes connecting with Gerard's in mild surprise. "Hey." He said softly.

"Hi." Gerard smiled slightly, crossing one ankle over the other as he leaned on the doorway, his arms folding across his chest.

"I thought you were going to be with Evelyn tonight." Frank raised his eyebrows.

"She's sleeping in my room." Gerard nodded in the direction of his door, biting his bottom lip at the thought of the woman he snuck away from. "She usually passes out after sex." He shrugged, the subject being as natural as talk of the weather to him. Frank looked stunned for a moment at how casually Gerard spoke the statement, but it quickly dropped, possibly when he remembered it was _Gerard_ he was speaking to and being surprised was old news.

"I didn't think you'd still be awake." Frank sat down on the edge of the bed, running his fingers through his chestnut colored hair. "Happy Thanksgiving?" His tone sounded questioning, his eyes fluttering over to the calendar hanging on his wall by a nail.

"Technically it's over, but thank you." Gerard giggled quietly. He uncrossed his ankles and went to sit next to Frank, the mattress sinking in a bit when he sat. He ran his palms over the smooth comforter, looking at Frank from underneath his eyelashes.

"My mother's excited I'm working with you. She's a big fan." Frank's lips quirked into a fond smile, his hazel eyes changing their direction to look at Gerard.

"I'll sign something for you to take to her." Gerard crossed his legs, caring little that the sweater he wore had ridden up completely and showed his legs and underwear. He caught Frank glancing, but he quickly looked away with color blooming across his cheeks. Gerard liked it when he blushed, how the color glowed under his olive toned skin.

They sat there quietly, the silence growing until Gerard decided to break it to spare the awkwardness.

"I haven't celebrated Thanksgiving in years." Gerard murmured.

Frank raised his eyebrows, his eyes widening slightly. "Not even with Brendon?"

"He has his own family to celebrate with. He usually brings me pumpkin pie the next day, at least, and I appreciate that."

"What about your family?" Frank turned his body towards the latter, resting his hands in his lap.

Gerard wrinkled his nose, shaking his head at the thought of his small family. "I wouldn't count them as family. We never talk, and I don't plan to talk to them unless it's a dire emergency."

"Seems a bit harsh, don't you think?"

Gerard chuckled humorlessly - if only Frank knew what Gerard grew up with and how desperately he counted the days until he became independent. He was a miserable child and a rebellious teenager, reaching the point where he suddenly moved away and never turned back. He forced himself to believe that he didn't need a family, keeping so many attachments wasn't healthy because that meant he would suffer more losses.

"I'm not very big on holidays as it is, and if you were in my shoes, you wouldn't want to spend them with your family of all people." Gerard sighed, rubbing his hands over his thighs as he began to grow cold. He hadn't realized how chilly the air was until now.

"At least you had Evelyn to spend it with." Frank smiled slightly.

Gerard shifted, tucking his hands under his thighs. He didn't think fucking a woman counted as celebrating a holiday, but he supposed sex was a good enough break from his hectic thoughts and life.

"I guess you could say that." Gerard smirked slowly, his mind flashing with images of the woman who had just been writhing underneath him and praising him in bed.

"You seem to really like her. Is she your girlfriend?" Frank asked him, clearly unaware that the so called dates Gerard attended were only sex and foreplay. Gerard's lips twitched at the word 'girlfriend', the sound of it making his stomach turn with discomfort.

"Everyone wants her to be my girlfriend, but I'm more interested in what she has to offer. And that isn't commitment." Gerard glanced up at Frank's face and waited until realization clouded over his expression. Frank's lips shaped into a round pout of understanding and he nodded, flicking a lock of hair away from his nose blushing face. Whenever he looked so meek as he did right now, Gerard felt his lips wanting to shape into a soft smile, and he didn't have a clue why when he had seen past lovers do the same and he didn't feel this urge. He bit his bottom lip instead, looking away from Frank.

"Should I be with her?" Gerard asked. He fiddled with the edge of his large sweater and neatly folded his legs underneath him, feeling some stubble that was beginning to sprout once again on his skin.

"I don't think you should be with someone you aren't romantically interested in." Frank advised, and Gerard agreed with him silently.

"It's just that everyone thinks it would be for the best if I decided to get involved with her in that way. Not to mention it would be go for our reputation if we made it public, I'm sure she would gain a lot from being with me."

"Those aren't reasons to be with anyone." Frank shook his head slightly. He sighed through his nose, looking down. "And I can't  . . . envision you committing to someone that way. You're too free, you enjoy going from person to person."

Gerard figured he should have been offended by Frank's words. He bluntly told him he didn't think Gerard was cut out for a relationship, he couldn't commit. The only thing that stopped him from shooting the latter a glare and marching out of the room was the truth. Gerard knew these things already, he had just been flipping them over and over in his mind only minutes ago when he laid in bed with Evelyn. Who was Gerard Way without one night stands and a string of people falling hopelessly in love with him after one short lived affair? He was one to make people fall, whether it was intentional or by accident. But he knew none of them loved him the way love was meant to be, it was all infatuation and lust for what his body and kiss could offer.

"Fucking is fun." Gerard giggled quietly. "I haven't lived life to the fullest yet with that."

"Heartbreaker?" Frank asked, but his voice was fond, as was his expression as he looked at the model from the corner of his eye.

Gerard nodded, twirling a lock of his hair around his finger with a smirk on his lips. Frank chuckled at his expression, and as a short silence filled the air, Gerard felt something. He wasn't sure what it was, but he could only compare it to the feeling of gravity. He looked at Frank and he felt light, hovering above the ground, maybe even out of his own body. Frank was the only person who didn't slut shame him, didn't boss him around, and who didn't tangle himself into business that wasn't his. He thought that, maybe, he could call Frank his friend now that they were comfortable enough around each other and something about the latter made Gerard want to trust him. Little by little, of course, but sure enough for Gerard to smile at the thought.

"Don't worry, I don't plan on breaking your heart." Gerard told him teasingly, nudging the side of his leg with his hand.

"Thanks." Frank rolled his eyes, grinning at the statement.

After a moment of more comfortable silence, Gerard concluded that it was growing too late to keep Frank awake and Evelyn alone. He stood up with a sigh, not bothering to tug his sweater over his thighs.

"We should head to bed now. It's late, I shouldn't keep you up any longer." Gerard said.

Frank glanced back at his clock, reading the time and nodding in confirmation. He titled his head back to look at Gerard. Gerard couldn't stop himself from admiring the softness of his skin in the lighting, the scar near his eyebrow he hadn't taken the time to notice before.

"What is this from?" Gerard brushed his fingertip across the indention.

"Chickenpox. Pretty brutal, and I may have disregarded the rule of no scratching once or twice." Frank chuckled, pressing his pink lips together.

Gerard's eyes fell to Frank's lips after noticing the minor movement. He could see the scarring where a lip ring had once made itself home in Frank's skin, the flushed color filling his lips, how the bottom lip was plumper than the thin and curvy top. Gerard would have loved to kiss them, see what those lips were capable of. But this was one person he felt strange using, when only a short while ago, he cared little for the consequences and all he wanted was everything from this man's body.

"Goodnight." Gerard whispered. He slowly leaned down, meaning to give Frank a quick kiss on the cheek as he usually did. But his head steered further to the right than he wanted, his mind getting ahead of him, and his lips pressed softly against the corner of Frank's mouth. The little dip there, his lips brushing against the latter's as he pulled away.

Frank's eyes were large at the unexpected affection. The kiss was too close to his lips, and although Gerard kissed him before, he was too drunk to remember any detail from it. Frank, however, _did_ remember, and his cheeks filled with color before he tore his eyes away from Gerard, now looking unsettled. Gerard bit his lip and left the room before he could do anything more. He made Frank uncomfortable and something about that gave him a strange feeling of pressure in his chest, causing his hands to tremble at his sides. After reentering his own bedroom, he quietly shut the door and stood there for a moment, internally smacking himself for being so stupid. Something was beginning to happen, something that was forbidden in Gerard's world, and he would not be the one to a fool out of himself because of it. He dropped his hand away from the doorknob, his mind flooding with unwanted thoughts.

Being attracted to Frank was unavoidable. Not when he was gorgeous, attentive and unlike everyone else in Gerard's life. He was sweet out of the kindness of his own heart, not because he was sucking up to Gerard. He had seen ass kissing plenty of times in his career and Frank showed no signs of the 'give to get' strategy. But there was a line Gerard vowed to never cross. He'd allow himself to feel this attraction and know it was only normal to see it when any person who spent as much time with Frank as he did would feel some kind of pull to him. But a crush, the cursed L word, it wouldn't happen.

Gerard slipped underneath his sheets once more than night, moving quietly and subtly so he wouldn't disturb Evelyn. She was still sleeping soundly, her back turned to Gerard and her hands tucked underneath her head. Gerard flipped onto his side so he was facing her bare smooth back, listening to her breathing slowly in and out. Gerard's hands were still shaking as he lifted one of them to graze his fingers against her naked skin, trying to distract his mind. He forced Frank out of his mind, forced the feeling out of his chest, taking a swig of the vodka he kept under his bed before he laid back down and willed himself to fall asleep.

Frank said it himself; Gerard was a heartbreaker, and in order to be one, he couldn't let himself become attached.


	12. 12. Slip Ups

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Attraction can lead to terribly wonderful things.

Marina glowed upon the new information Frank provided for her. The grin on her face was one of pure joy, her eyes sparkling as she looked through the pictures Frank had taken along with an article he typed up on his own time while Gerard was with Evelyn in the next room. It was tough to concentrate over the sound of moaning and the headboard thumping against the wall, but not impossible. Frank's teeth bit into his bottom lip as guilt filled him, but inside, he knew this was what he meant to do or else he would be trapped in California for the rest of his life.

"Amazing, Frank, this is exactly why I hired you." Marina squealed in delight, rubbing her hands together. "Tragic for the model, but beneficial for us."

Frank only nodded and pressed his lips together tightly. He couldn't bring himself to agree truthfully because it wasn't how he felt, not one bit, and looking at the photographs of Gerard looking sickly while drunk and his stash of drugs made him feel sick to his stomach. Despite telling himself not to become attached to Gerard, he couldn't remain apathetic while secretly ruining someone's life. Being indifferent to any of this would be cruel.

"It seems that Gerard Way is dealing with issues over eating. Do you think you can look further into that for me and see what exactly is going on? Perhaps he has a disorder, that would fit nicely into the papers." Marina tapped her pen against the desk, glancing over the picture of the variety of drugs with a crease between her eyebrows.

"He's getting thinner." Frank cleared his throat, attempting to clear his voice of any emotion he might have felt.

Marina raised her eyebrows and flickered her gaze to Frank. "Is he?"

"He could go days with eating only one bite, it's beginning to take its toll."

"These models, thrashing themselves to stay pretty." Marina sighed, setting her pen aside. "It's idiotic."

Frank hated seeing Gerard's stomach become flatter every day. His arms were beginning to shrink, it would only be a matter of time until his legs began to lose their lovely curves and suffer a demise made from skin and bone. Frank could try everything in his ability to convince Gerard to eat, even if it was only half a portion, but convincing him only lasted for a week. Gerard was too independent and small minded to listen to anyone who worried over him and his belief that he was better off skipping meals had the deadly potential to murder him. Frank wished he didn't care, but he did, and it was beginning to pain him every time he saw Gerard walking around the house in little to nothing.

"Marina, I know we need this for the article, but he's . . . Gerard will die if he keeps doing this." Frank whispered. "I'm not supposed to get close, but I feel like I need to help him or something horrible will happen."

"It's his situation that he needs to take care of himself, Frank." Marina folded her hands together on the table, her knowing brown eyes looking into his. "It isn't your job to save him."

"But he's stubborn, he believes there's nothing wrong with him. Thousands of people die from anorexia every year, he can't be one of them." Frank pushed his luck further in hopes of getting the woman to crack, to look past her own success and see the harsh nature of all of these problems he helped her assess.

"You don't really care for him, do you? Because that would be a grand interference." Marina narrowed her eyes slightly in a suspicious manner that made Frank freeze up inside.

He couldn't admit he made friends with Gerard for any other reason than that of squeezing information out of him for his real boss. The point of this was to not get caught and to not let himself become lost in the game. But it was too late, he cared for Gerard even though he fought it, and watching a friend become so consumed in deadly habits was heartbreaking to watch. Frank felt helpless and Gerard was too stubborn to help.

"I don't." Frank lied through his teeth. "But if he dies, what does this article make us look like? Exposing his habits that caused his death, focusing on the bad when people are mourning. They will hate us for being so cruel for putting shame to someone who's already dead and trying to rest in peace."

Marina's facial expression fell at Frank's words. They were enough to make her think, consider, and Frank hope his persuasion has been enough for her to allow him to prevent Gerard from teetering on the brink of death. In his honest belief, this article was evil all in itself even if Gerard was still living when it was published. Frank struggled every day knowing he took part in this, the guilt always hovering above his head like a dark cloud waiting to rain hell down on him. One thing he couldn't stand was his own self whenever Gerard showed him a natural and bright smile as he walked past him, the softness of his laugh that he showed to no one else. His shell was breaking, Frank noticed, and he hated knowing he'd be the one who would make Gerard never trust a living soul again.

"Very well." Marina pursed her lips, gathering the papers and placing them in a file with the model's name on it. "Seek help for him, anything, just don't let him die."

It was all for selfish reasoning, Frank wondered how heartless Marina was if she only allowed  Frank to help for the sake of her reputation and her precious magazine. Frank bit back his scathing comments and nodded at her statement, knowing he would try his best to assure the person he cared for stayed with him.

Back at the house, Frank walked in to see Gerard had come back from stocking up on his cigarettes and clothes just a few minutes ago. The latter was still wearing his rounded sunglasses as he climbed down the stairs, his hair a messy array of brilliant red. He was dressed in a thick leather jacket studded at the sleeves and a fitted black dress barely reaching past his upper thighs, ripped red fishnets wrapping around his shapely pale legs and further whitening them from the vibrant shade of crimson

"Oh, Frank, where did you go?" Gerard asked as he reached the bottom of the steps. He slid his sunglasses off of his face, and Frank could see how tired he looked. His eyes drooped and the concealer applied underneath them couldn't hide the bags beginning to form. He was pale, as he always was, but a pasty sort of pale that concerned Frank.

"I went out to meet with someone." Frank shrugged off his black jacket, hanging it up on the coat hanger seated near the entrance.

"Like a date?" Gerard cocked his hip out, a smirk making its way onto his face.

Frank hesitated, biting his lip. "Yeah, a date." It was safer to say he went out with a woman rather than telling the latter he had business affairs, that would be suspicious. His cheeks glowed with warmth as they always did when he was caught in a lie.

"Aw, you're blushing! You must really like her. Or him. Them, if you really don't give a fuck about gender standards." Gerard winked, folding his sunglasses and pocketing them. His hips swayed confidently as he moved closer, flicking his hair away from his face. "Give me a name."

"M-Marina." Frank's heart thumped frantically in his chest. "An old friend from high school, we recently reconnected."

"High school sweethearts?" Gerard quirked a freshly plucked eyebrow, his red gloss tinted lips curving upwards.

"Something like that." Frank nodded and a placed a fake smile of his own onto his lips.

"I'd love to meet her, you should bring her on over."

Frank guaranteed it would never happen, that was a lie he would not conjure up just for the sake of himself. It was evil to bring the woman who wanted to ruin Gerard's life into his own home to make friends with him, only to tear him to shreds in the end.

The two entered the living area, seating themselves on the couch so Frank could inform Gerard of the order of his upcoming appointments. A couple had been swapped around due to Lucinda being late on making last minute alterations on a few dresses required for the fashion show, much to Gerard's irritation. Frank knew the model had little to no patience for her after their little blunder at dinner, the tension between the two of them was thick enough to cut with a knife. Frank had to stop Gerard from calling the woman and giving her a piece of his mind for not having the designs done on time as she promised. Thankfully, he listened to Frank and put the phone down, but he was still silently seething.

"Evelyn told me they were working on it and the progress was quick, how could she postpone everything by four days?" Gerard waved his hands frantically.

"Designing things like this take time, they need everything to be perfect and fit to your requests." Frank reminded him softly, hoping to calm him.

"It's simple, I didn't ask for them to make me a replica of the queen's coronation dress." Gerard huffed, crossing his arms over his chest.

"We have to be a little patient. At least she didn't postpone it for longer, the date for the show is still the same even if the appointments were pushed back."

Gerard sighed in defeat. He placed his elbows on his knees, leaning forward and rubbing his temples slowly. Atop of his irritation was stress Frank knew he carried inside him even if he masked it so often. Frank also experienced stress while working this job, making phone call after phone call, but nothing could compare to the level of discomfort the model must have harbored inside him.

"I have other appointments to attend along with photoshoots and interviews, how am I going to do one thing when I'm supposed to be doing another?" Gerard's hands fell away from his face and his tired gaze rested on Frank's stare.

Frank pursed his lips and looked down at the thick planner of events splayed out in front of him. He had yet to get everything back on track to avoid conflict, but some of the agents he called were difficult to reschedule with when they also had their own lives all painted and organized.

"I'll see what I can do, how many appointments I can reschedule. But not all of these people are being easy, one of them simply doesn't have time in the future for the winter catalog shoot and they told me it isn't going to happen." Frank explained meekly.

"If I don't flip my shit out on these people who are making this kind of thing happen, then Brendon will once he hears about it. Fuck." Gerard flopped back on the couch, his dress riding up, and Frank caught a glimpse of red silk before he looked away from his bottom half and focused on his face.

"We all have to remain calm no matter how inconvenient this is." Frank told the latter. "I'll handle it. If some people decide to cancel on you, that's their loss."

"It's also mine." Gerard glared darkly up at the ceiling, pressing his glossed lips together in a thin and disgruntled line. He placed his hand over his eyes and fell silent for a long moment. Frank said nothing more as to not disrupt the model any further, even closing the planner so he wouldn't need to look at it.

After a stretch of quiet stressing, Gerard slid his hand down the side of his face and took in a deep breath, releasing it in a irritated huff. "I'm going to get drunk, fuck these people." Gerard concluded, making Frank's face fall. Gerard planted his hands on the couch cushions and began to prop himself up, lifting himself to his feet. But as soon as he stood and took one step forward, he let out a startled gasp as he swayed, nearly falling in the process.

Thankfully Frank had seen it all and he rose to his feet quickly, grasping Gerard's arms to keep the model from falling over. Concern bubbled in his chest and his eyes roamed all over the latter's face. Gerard was fluttering his eyes, dazed and pale in Frank's arms.

"Are you okay?" Frank asked, noticing how translucent his skin had turned.

"I- I think so." Gerard mumbled through his unmoving lips. He squeezed his eyes tightly shut, standing straight and pressing the heel of his hand against his eye. "Just a head rush, I get those sometimes."

Frank was weary as he slowly let go of Gerard's arms. He seemed to have regained his balance after his little spell, but something about his expression was off. His eyes were glassy, bloodshot, and his lips were drained from their color despite the smeared lip gloss going across them. He was pallid, alarmingly so.

"Gerard, let me get you some water or something, you look sick." Frank said softly, brushing his arm.

"No, I'm fine, I swear this happens all the time." Gerard laughed it off, but the sound was brittle and forced. Frank's stomach turned, this heavy gut feeling bringing a crease in between his eyebrows and a frown on his lips. He opened his mouth to speak as Gerard began to walk away, but nothing came out, and he ended up closing his lips slowly.

Gerard was walking normally, if not a bit slowly, like he too was weary of his footsteps. Frank watched after him, wondering if he should go after the latter and keep by him just in case anything else happened. It wasn't until Gerard was rounding the corner that proved Frank's gut feeling horribly right. Gerard gasped, stopping in his tracks. Frank froze up as he watched the model's knees buckle, his legs wobbling like there was no bone inside of them, and his body swayed thrice before he went slack and tumbled to the ground.

"Gerard!" Frank yelled out in alarm. Shock flourished under his skin in a deep flush that made him tingle everywhere, soon followed by dread that sat heavy in his chest. Frank raced over to the entryway where Gerard laid motionless on the ground, a heap of leather and too pale skin.

He sank to his knees on the ground beside Gerard, reaching out with trembling hands to grab his waist and turn him over onto his back. He was completely unconscious, his body heavy and his head lulling with every rattling movement Frank caused as he shook his shoulders lightly. He scooted closer with a racing heart and terrified eyes, placing the model's head on his lap to keep it from thumping against the hard marble flooring. No doubt he had suffered a painful fall against the hard ground, but his peaceful face showed no signs of hurting.

"Oh fuck, please be alive, oh my god." Frank whispered over his rapid breathing, his body going into a panic as he looked down into the model's pale face that held no flush of blood. He pressed his trembling fingers against his neck, searching for his pulse point. When he finally reached the small section of skin where his artery laid underneath, he slackened slightly over Gerard's unconscious body in relief. There was a pulse - but it was slower than normal, weak.

"Please wake up, _please_." Frank whispered shakily. He couldn't stop tears from rising in his eyes in this state, his whole body breaking out in tremors and a cold sweat, all side affects from a panic attack. He brushed his fingers across Gerard's clammy forehead, also not being able to stop himself from feeling grateful that Gerard was still breathing and alive. He dropped a kiss onto his forehead no matter how he tried to hold back the urge, placing his arms underneath Gerard's body. He lifted the model off the floor, arms shaking as he stood with the model cradled in them. He carried him to the couch and placed him flat on his back, knowing this was the required position for someone who had just fainted. After being raised by a mother with horrible diabetes, he always needed to be on the lookout for fainting spells.

Taking his phone out of his pocket, Frank shakily dialed Brendon, trying to contain his trembling frame. He pressed his fist against his mouth and sat on the edge of the coffee table, keeping an eye on Gerard.

"Frank, what's up?" Brendon answered, sounding unfortunately chipper. Frank dropped his hand away from his mouth to speak clearly

"Brendon, it's Gerard, he - he passed out. He's still passed out, and I don't know what to do. Do I call an ambulance, I-" Frank bit his lip harshly, shutting his eyes tight.

" _Shit_." Brendon muttered, and there was muffling on the other line. "No, don't call an ambulance, just wait until he wakes up. And when he does, you make sure to hydrate him and get him some food. Feed him if you have to, we can't have him being stubborn at this point."

"What if he doesn't wake up?" Frank winced, his mind immediately flickering to the worst possible scenarios out of habit.

"This has happened before, it'll only take a moment for him to come back." Brendon took on a calming tone after he heard the fragile state of Frank's voice. "I can't be there right now because I'm out of town until the morning, so _please,_ take care of him, Frank."

Frank nodded to himself, promising that he wouldn't let Gerard get any worse. He suffered quite a scare from seeing Gerard crumble to the ground, especially when he looked so similar to a corpse in this state. "I'll do my best."

"Thank you."

After they hung up and Frank was pocketing his phone, he noticed movement from Gerard. The male's head lulled to the side, his chest rising as he look in a deep breath through his nose. Relief sprung up in Frank's chest. He sank to his knees in front of the sofa, sitting right beside him as he began to stir. Gerard's eyebrows knitted together and a little frown formed on his lips. His lashes fluttered as his eyelids peeled back, his thighs rubbing together while he bent his legs slightly. He looked around, confused, and his hazy gaze finally landed on Frank.

"Frank?" Gerard whispered hoarsely, wincing at the dryness in his throat.

"Thank god." Frank breathed, dropping his head until his forehead pressed against Gerard's shoulder. The smell of leather and sweet perfume filled his nose, a scent that felt oddly comforting right now.

"What happened, what am I doing on the couch?" Gerard glanced down at his body.

Frank lifted his head from Gerard's shoulder, meeting the latter's confused gaze. "You fainted. Right before you entered the kitchen, so I carried you to the couch instead of laying you on the floor."

Gerard lifted his head up, propping himself onto his elbows, but his movements stuttered. He groaned softly and fell back against the cushions, his lids fluttering helplessly. "Oh fuck."

"Gerard, when was the last time you ate or drank anything?" Frank asked softly. He helped the model lift his head slightly to place a pillow underneath it for his comfort.

Gerard bit his lip, trying to remember what Frank requested him to. The fact that he needed time to recall such a mundane thing was already a bad sign, one that made Frank's stomach drop as he realized the reason for Gerard fainting was the one he suspected it to be. He sighed heavily, pinching the bridge of his nose.

"I've been keeping hydrated, at least." Gerard defended weakly, sticking his pointed nose in the air.

"Gerard, alcohol isn't a substitute for water. Neither is coffee." Frank lifted himself to his feet. Gerard titled his head back down, guilt washing over his features at Frank's statement that he knew was true. Frank didn't have the heart to hold it against him, not when he was still shaken from thinking Gerard could have never woken up.

"I'm going to get you some water and make you something to eat. Melanie isn't working today, so I'll get something quick for you to at least get food into your system." Frank said.

Gerard gave a weak nod, letting his head fall back against the pillow, his tongue sweeping against his lips. Frank turned on his heels and went into the kitchen, pouring Gerard a glass of lukewarm water since cold water would be too much of a shock to his system right now. He promised himself he'd keep refilling it until he thought Gerard had enough to hydrate him, even if the latter disliked every sip. He soon went into the pantry to retrieve bread and peanut butter, taking the jelly from the fridge to put something quick together before Gerard fell unconscious again. After making the sandwich, he sliced it down the middle with a kitchen knife and placed it on a paper plate. Taking the glass of water in his other hand, he made his way back into the living area where Gerard was resting his eyes, his hands folded over his stomach. He looked like a body in a casket as Frank gulped heavily at the passing thought.

"Here, and please eat all of it." Frank requested softly and handed the plate over to Gerard.

Gerard sighed, eyeing the sandwich as he took the plate from Frank's hands and rested it on his flat stomach. Frank thought he saw nausea cross his face until Gerard placed a brave one over the expression, shutting his eyes and beginning to eat it. Frank quietly sighed in relief and carefully placed the water on the coffee table, taking a seat on the edge of it. Thankfully, he got his heart rate to slow down, but his hands still trembled a bit as he looked down at them placed limply in his lap. He calmed down now that he was seeing Gerard eating, trying to get out of this horrible faint state that came as a result from starvation. He wondered how many meals Gerard skipped, how he managed to keep himself alive all this time. Clearly, he was treating himself worse now than he had been before, it was easy to tell just by glancing at his frail body and the smallness of his waist.

"Gerard, we really need you to take care of yourself." Frank told the latter softly when he was almost finished eating. "Look at your body, your color, you're starting to shut down."

Gerard never lifted his eyes away from the plate balanced on his stomach. But his hands did slow down, now picking at the crust lining the edges of the bread. "I didn't mean for it to go that far." He barely whispered.

"No one does, it happens when you . . . Gerard, people who have eating disorders never know when to stop." Frank swallowed after he let the words tumble from his mouth. He didn't have enough guilt to prevent them from coming out, it was something Gerard needed to hear whether he knew or not.

The model stiffened. Immediately, he squared his shoulders, shaking his head with a humorless smirk curling his lips. "No, Frank, it isn't an eating disorder. Every model does this, skips meals and other things."

"What other things?" Frank's spine straightened and a wave of shock quickly passed over it. Gerard's eyes widened like he mentioned something he wasn't meant to say, and immediately, he shook his head.

"Just leave it, Frank."

"Gerard, I want to help you." Frank sank down onto the flood beside Gerard, his knees pressed against the hard flooring. Gerard stared at him with glassy eyes, his lips parting in slight surprise as Frank gazed at him pleadingly.

"If I wanted help, I'd ask for it." Gerard whispered, biting his bottom lip softly as his lids fluttered over his eyes. A sharp statement made so weakly, he was close to having no fight left in him.

"Look at you." Frank gestured to the model, his feeble state. "You can barely stand, it'll only get worse if you continue on. I don't think you want to die this young."

Gerard parted his lips to say more, but the words faded off, and he ended up shutting his mouth once more. He sighed through his nose and stared down at the now empty plate resting on his stomach. Frank could see how his tongue wriggled from behind his closed lips, pressing into the inside of his cheek and against the inner lining of his mouth. He was eager for him to say something more, crack his shell a bit more just so he could see what was in store to repair. Frank knew something would shake him, but he was running out of options in the action of approaching the subject seriously.

"Sometimes . . ." Gerard started, his voice a soft sound, and Frank leaned in to hang onto every word. "Sometimes I force myself to vomit. Eating, feeling full, to me it's unnecessary and it feels like the worst thing when my stomach protrudes even a little." Gerard gulped, the muscles in his throat working. "I have to do it, it's the only thing that makes me feel better."

Frank was stunned into silence at the model's dark confession. Not only was it a secret he'd been keeping, but it was a personal unhealthy trait of his that he obviously hadn't shared with anyone before. He could see it in his face, the way his jaw was flexing and he avoided eye contact because his own eyes were glistening with a glaze of tears. A pang of pain struck Frank in the heart when he realized Gerard was suffering, the latter knew this as well, but he did nothing to stop it because he believed it was the only alternative for himself. To remain thin, to remain beautiful, but beauty didn't exist solely in skin and bone.

"You don't need to force your body to give up what you've eaten just to stay thin." Frank shook his head, hesitating before he reached out and lightly placed his hand atop of the model's alarmingly cold one in a comforting gesture. Gerard blinked away tears, squinting through them to look at their touching hands.

"What else am I supposed to do?" Gerard sniffled. "My body takes everything so heavily. If I binge and don't let it go, I'll see a difference immediately. I can't allow my weight to fluctuate that way, it's hideous."

Frank couldn't believe someone as beautiful as Gerard was anything but the epitome of beauty. He walked past many lovely strangers in the past, been given a smile by someone with strikingly good looks when he was out purchasing groceries, but none of them held his captivation the way Gerard did. He was no ordinary beauty, not your typical blonde with blue eyes. His hair was brilliant as the angry flame lashing around on a ground blanketed in pure white snow, the snow being the porcelain softness of his skin, and his eyes being the fluttering green leaves living within the forest the fire raged on in. His curves were soft, but perfect in the way they shaped into one smooth body sheltering a passionate soul. He was fire and ice piled into one.

"You're so beautiful, Gerard." Frank whispered, the words pouring out of his mouth without a thought. "You're so unique and perfect, your weight doesn't put a single dent in that. Your face, your body, it's captivating, and that is why so many people adore you. You don't have a typical beauty, yours is something so special that the world's standards don't apply to you."

Gerard watched Frank as he spoke, his eyes flickering all around his face. His curled eyelashes were wet with tears, the waterproof mascara keeping the tears rushing down his face colorless. His lips were parted slightly as he sucked up every word, and Frank could tell he needed to hear it.

"I know everyone tells you you're beautiful, they call you sexy and hot, but take this from someone who has met you personally and who is gradually learning more about you. I don't want you to harm yourself anymore because you think you aren't thin enough, your body is beautiful because it's _yours_. You're my friend, I want what's best for you. " Frank continued on and let the words spill freely until he reached the end of his internal script he hadn't realized he composed fluidly. He watched Gerard's eyes glaze over the more he listened, noticing his tears slowing down until they stopped all together and Gerard stayed gazing at him in awe. Frank smiled at him softly, slowly slipping his hand away from the latter's and letting it rest on the edge of the sofa. He hoped Gerard was convinced, especially when those words were directed from the inside and they weren't a jumble of bullshit sentiments to force Gerard to break his habit of thinking he was unattractive. There were many things Frank could say about Gerard, if he thought about it. He was pretty enough to write poetry for, create art out of, but all Frank had was music and mumbled words.

Gerard finally came back to his senses after a long moment of being lost in his thoughts, his gaze flittering from Frank's face and to the floor, lashes batting together in a tangle of long dark hairs shielding the brilliance of his sad eyes. Thankfully, they were not clouded over with any sort of drug or alcohol.

"Frank." Gerard whispered and swept his tongue over his dried lips, now only slightly tinted from the gloss that had long since absorbed into the sensitive skin. He slowly turned onto his side, shakily propping himself up onto his elbow, and he drew his face closer to Frank's until Frank could feel the warmth of his breath brushing against his skin. The closeness shocked him, but he found himself mildly hypnotized by the curve at Gerard's waist that deepened when he laid on his side, the slope of his thigh, the scent of his perfume mixing with a faint whiff of cigarette smoke sticking to his leather jacket. He looked up and saw Gerard staring at him, his eyes watering once again.

"Can I kiss you?" Gerard asked, his voice trembling. "It- it wont mean anything, I just need to feel something. I need - I need it to make myself believe what you said."

Frank's stomach stirred at his request. It was like he was Eve and Gerard was an unholy temptation, attempting to coax him into taking a bite from the forbidden fruit. He kissed Gerard before, he knew how horribly good it felt to kiss someone so beautiful and experienced. It injected something close to adrenaline into his system, but it was more addicting than that. Nothing and no one could deny the attraction between them, the sexual tension filling the air whenever they stayed silent for too long and they were close enough to reach out and touch.

"I don't know." Frank swallowed thickly.

"Please, we can pretend like it never happened. I won't mention it ever again if you don't want me to." Gerard whined softly, squeezing his eyes shut, scrambling closer until his cold fingers were brushing across Frank's jaw. Frank couldn't flinch at the touch when his body welcomed it so kindly.

"It's wrong, I've explained why. You know this, Gerard."

"It isn't wrong, but just for today. Pretend it's right. Then we'll go back to normal. I really need this, I really, _really_ do." Gerard breathed, leaning in despite Frank's heavy hesitation. He was...vulnerable, shining eyes pleading Frank for the temptation, sadness buried deep within them because he didn't believe anything he'd been told. It was a pain Frank felt in the center of his chest, beginning to dissolve his self restraint. His lips tingled with the thought of touching them to Gerard's soft pair resembling the shape of a doll's lips. If he willed himself to pretend this was right for one moment, that nothing existed except for their lips meeting in a short kiss, he wouldn't be affected when it was over. Frank's brain was moving too slow to stop him now, Gerard's lips were so sweet only a few inches away from his own, so he gradually let it happen, knowing he would be free to push this far into the past as soon as it was done so nothing could interfere with his task here.

Their breaths mingled for a moment before their lips officially met. Gerard's lips were soft and they immediately pressed into Frank's the moment they touched them. He tilted his head to the side slightly with his nose brushing against the latter's, opening his lips just a fraction before puckering and pulling away for a slow breath. Frank's eyes fell shut and the cool air hit his lips the second they were away from Gerard's. The model composed himself and leaned in again, kissing with more passion behind his movement. Frank held back a noise of contentment at the contact of their mouths. This kiss was wetter, their lips finally parting and moving together in a sync that wasn't quite built out of rhythm. They slid their lips against one another, tongues occasionally slipping out and brushing together, the warmth spreading from their mouths to under their skin where a blush rose to their cheeks. Frank couldn't believe he was allowing himself to do this, but he didn't want it to stop. After such a long time of not kissing or being kissed, it felt too good to let his tongue seductively slither between the lips of someone pressing against him to explore their mouth, taste them, hear how their breath hitched. From the moment Frank's tongue slid between their lips and stroked Gerard's the little moan the model released had tingles breaking out under his skin. The sound was desire, the word's very definition. He shivered, kissing Gerard deeply, losing himself in the needy way Gerard's hands reached out to stroke his hair away from his face with shaking fingers.

Gerard wasn't an ordinary person to kiss. His lips and tongue were skilled, kissing Frank and pulling him closer with a hand tangled into his hair. Frank cupped the side of his neck, the pad of his thumb rubbing against the delicate skin stretched over the frail bone creating his jawline. Frank could still taste the flavoring of cherry from Gerard's lipgloss, the bitter flavor coming from the remains of cigarettes. It was addicting on top of the captivating feel of his kiss and Frank only wrapped his arms around him, dragging him closer until they were pressed together and kissing slowly, hotly, panting through their noses and occasionally their mouths.

"Mm, Frank." Gerard panted against Frank's mouth in a hot puff of air, and arousal began to pool in Frank's lower stomach from the sound. Frank's lips were slick, Gerard's were swelling, and it was almost easy to forget who he was kissing. But he never could, because Gerard wasn't a normal man Frank, but he was a model, the model he set out to ruin.

Frank needed to end the kiss the second the fire was put out by a cruel and unwelcome reminder. He broke it off as softly as he could, pulling away with a short inhale as his mind swirled with a hurricane of thoughts. Gerard whimpered, in a haze from their kiss, his fingers still carding through Frank's hair with gentle movements. Frank couldn't resist giving Gerard a few more gentle open mouthed kisses, locking their lips together in a lasting, finalizing kiss before he rested his forehead against the latter's, pressing his finger against Gerard's lips to stop him from laying them over his own again. He slid his finger down his slick and warm lips, dragging it all the way to his chin as they caught their breath. Frank opened his eyes just as guilt and something horrible filled his chest. Gerard was more breathtaking than usual after being kissed, he sparked something dangerous inside of Frank that he trembled trying to repress and discard. Gerard wasn't what was turning him off, that he was certain of.

"This never happened." Frank panted out and dropped his hand away from Gerard's face. "Now, we need to forget." He licked his swollen lips, gently taking Gerard's fingers away from his hair.

"Right." Gerard yanked his hands away, blinking rapidly as he pulled away. He swept his tongue over his lips and leaned away from Frank, avoiding his eyes at all costs. He pressed his palms against his flushed cheeks for a moment, appearing dizzy again, but not faint. "It never happened."

Frank had nothing left to say. He wished he could pretend he never gave in and allowed himself to be kissed by Gerard, he also wished he could forget the way his lips tingled and his mouth still tasted like the model. It was a mistake, one of the biggest ones he ever made, and he swallowed down his panic. He stood before he could unravel right in front of Gerard and patted his hair down, forcing the lingering feeling of Gerard's fingers combing through it to vanish.

"Please, drink your water and get some rest. You can nap here if you don't want to move." Frank bent down and retrieved the glass, handing it to the latter. Gerard immediately took it, bringing it to his lips and gulping down the refreshing water. When he was finished, Frank took the glass and set it down carefully onto the coffee table.

"Thank you." Gerard whispered, still looking away from Frank.

Frank didn't reply, he only draped a blanket over Gerard's frame that was nestling into the couch with a pillow underneath his head. Once the latter closed his eyes, Frank glanced over him, biting his lip harshly. Resistance was a fickle bitch challenging him to a duel, but just this once, he had to let one of the gestures he thought about once or twice take over now that something was starting inside him, scaring the lights out of him to every degree. He ducked down and kissed the model's pink cheek softly, feeling the flush underneath it and the softness of his skin. He turned on his heels before Gerard could open his eyes and say something, rushing away to the stairs and into his room where he shut the door and pressed his hand against his hot forehead.

"Fucking _idiot_." He hissed at himself. He tugged at his hair until his scalp ached and tingles rippled along the top of his skull. Frank's heart was pounding and it made the task of forgetting the kiss impossible, not that his heart was the only difficult segment of swiping his mind clean of it.He told himself multiple times to draw a line in the sand, keep his distance and only help in ways that could benefit him and his boss. But he went past the line many times, letting himself become lost in the game of predator and prey because he was now becoming the prey, the frail mouse being hunted by the cat. Though Gerard was so close to being innocent when he was around Frank, he was a bold presence who held more power than Frank was willing to give him. It was all in those dainty fingertips. Frank sank down onto his bed, rubbing his hands over his face as he tried to calm himself. His finger brushed over his lips, gently dragging his bottom lip down until he let it go and it snapped back with a pop. Images raced behind his eyelids, making his mouth taste like cherries again, and he was burning inside.

The kiss never happened, he wasn't letting himself fall victim to Gerard Way. He told himself that until he believed it.


	13. 13. An Unfathomable Epitome

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gerard realizes why the woman throwing herself at him isn't enough to satisfy him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please don't cringe at the hetero sex scene, I swear it's relevant!

Gerard wasn't able to immerse himself into Evelyn as he could before. It had been more than simple to explore her and pleasure her, to let his mind wonder as he buried himself into her wet heat that he became acquainted fairly well after being with her more than once. She lingered, attached to his hip, and her body was always available for him whenever he needed it the most. Evelyn was so willing to give Gerard everything and anything he wanted, that was the only reason he didn't cut the strings after the first time they had sex, which was deemed odd for him while living a life being notorious for fucking and abandoning. Today, he was holding back without a second thought. He couldn't savor her, drink her in, nothing was cutting it out for him when his mind kept wandering off on its own. It put a stop to his insatiable sex drive, which seemed like a pure nightmare to him after becoming so used to being the man with needs stretching as far as the horizon. Gerard could feel her, taste her, smell her, but nothing about her was cutting through the thoughts he was trying to escape. It overwhelmed him and caused him to falter many times, if only for one second, although the woman underneath him didn't seem to notice it.

Gerard stopped his movements inside her and decided he should be doing something that required focus and skill. It would distract him, surely, and also keep Evelyn from discovering that he wasn't into their intimate acts as much as she was. The woman looked dazed, bursting into a hazy cloud of sex, nothing short of bliss from his rapid thrusts growing harder with frustration. He slid down her body, her soft skin rubbing against him, and he pressed his hands against her narrow hips to stop her from writhing and rubbing her thighs together for friction. Gerard held her legs apart, spreading them as far as they could go, and he dived in between them to cover the wet center between her legs with his mouth. Evelyn cried out, moaning and rubbing herself over Gerard's tongue that had slipped out and licked a solid path from her glistening opening to her clit. Gerard tasted her heavy on his tongue, feeling how she quivered as he closed his mouth over her clit and sucked on it to give her something more, but there his mind went again, flashing back to something he was trying as hard as possible to forget. Gerard squeezed his eyes shut in frustration. He groaned out loud, roughly flipping Evelyn over so she laid on her hands and knees. Gerard kneeled behind her and licked at her frantically from behind, burying his tongue inside her dripping wet heat, moving his head back and forth to give her friction. Evelyn was moaning and keening, pushing back against his face, reaching behind her to grip his red hair and tug at it with a trembling hand. Gerard wrapped his fist around his half hard cock and rapidly pumped himself to return to full arousal. He tongue wriggled wildly inside Evelyn, lips rubbing against her folds. She enjoyed it immensely, Gerard could tell from her loud noises and how she rocked her body, the sound of her manicured nails scraping against the sheets.

Yet, Gerard was still haunted by something he vowed to forget. The thought of hot, slick, soft lips claiming his own, hands on his waist and in his hair, the wetness of a warm tongue fucking his mouth slowly but surely. If he thought about it hard enough, he could remember the feeling of hot breath blowing against his open lips and tangling with his own panting puffs of air, the way it felt to have Frank's locks of hair sliding between the cracks of his fingers and giving him the intense craving to tug. In that moment, he'd wished for more than a kiss, despite promising that was all he would ask for. He wanted to be pressed back against the cushions, to be stripped of his clothing, and to be fucked until he couldn't see anything but the blurry film in his eyes that intense pleasure gave to him.  Gerard whimpered against the woman he was eating out as he so frustratingly returned to full hardness due to the memory, aching and torn over the reason for his arousal. He pulled his mouth away from with her with a pop, desperate for relief. He thrust inside her once more, moaning greedily at the way she clenched around his cock, and began pounding into her. Releasing all of this sexual frustration over a man he never truly had, one he was sure he could never take advantage of as he would with the rest.

Gerard resented every bit of this. One man was managing to turn all of his motives and habits around, finding the chink in his armor. Gerard couldn't bear to think of using him and forgetting him soon after when that was all he knew, with the exception of Evelyn. But Gerard didn't care for her, if she decided to leave forever after having sex today, then he would let her go without a second glance. Frank, his fucking _assistant_ , was a whole other story and he was making Gerard go through things he never had before. Questioning himself, wanting to be better around him, feeling safe and content whenever he was near. He was being driven insane. Gerard rapidly fucked into Evelyn until he came heavily into the condom wrapped around his length. She came a moment before he did and she was letting him use her until he found his orgasm. When it was over, Gerard couldn't believe he didn't feel satiated on the inside. His mind still raced with images of a burning hot kiss, a mistake he made days before. He could only see it as a mistake now, at the time he hadn't thought it would imprint itself into his memory and keep him from reaching full satisfaction through the only thing that gave him comfort.

Gerard panted as he slid under the sheets next to Evelyn. She was laying against the pillows with her eyes shut, but her chest rising and falling heavily as the aftermath from their sex. When she opened her eyes, she turned her head and looked at Gerard, her brown eyes drinking in his features.

"What's on your mind?" She asked slightly breathlessly.

"Nothing." Gerard sat up in bed, reaching out for his pack of cigarettes resting on his nightstand. He fumbled for his lighter after he slid out a cigarette, lighting the end of it.

"I can tell you were distracted the whole time. You look like something's bothering you." Evelyn turned onto her side, her golden hair falling over her naked chest like a veil.

Gerard exhaled the smoke he had just breathed in, watching the tendrils of the clouds flow into the air before they disappeared and left only their scent in their wake. "There's always something bothering me, sugar."

Evelyn bit her lip. "Is it about Frank?"

Gerard's stomach dropped and he nearly choked on his cigarette smoke. He cleared his throat, taking it away from between his lips. "What does my assistant have to do with anything?"

"You ogle him far too much for him not to be on your mind." Evelyn smiled knowingly, borrowing a cigarette from Gerard's pack along with his lighter. "And I can understand that. He's hot."

Gerard was having a hard time processing all the woman beside him was saying. He was more than sure he didn't stare at Frank so often that it would be noticeable, and he was even more sure that it was absurd to blatantly assume his assistant was the reason for Gerard's frustration, even if it was the truth. That's all Frank was in the eyes of outsiders; Gerard's assistant, no matter how much charm his good looks held. He should have been only that to Gerard as well, he hadn't realized that he separated the man from a simple title unconsciously.

"I don't ogle him. He's an attractive man, yes, but he's seeing another woman and you and I have something going on." Gerard swallowed.

Evelyn raised her eyebrows in disbelief, a smile curving around the cigarette hanging between her full lips. "I've seen the way you smile when you're around him. You don't smile that way around anyone else, you also act different."

"Evelyn, _please_." Gerard huffed, smoke pouring out of his mouth. "He's good looking, but he isn't handsome enough to distract me so much." _Yes, he was_.

Evelyn sighed deeply at the finality coloring his tone. After a long moment of them smoking in peace, the woman put out her cigarette in the ashtray when she was finished with it, rolling over so she straddled Gerard's lap. He held her hips on instinct, glancing up at her questionably. Her brown eyes sparkled, long golden curls spiraling down to her near waist, cheeks tinted pink.

"I can help you out, if he's what you want." She offered chirpily. Gerard rolled his eyes, sighing.

"There's nothing I need help with."

"Then what _do_ you want?" She asked softly.

Gerard didn't answer her. He only craned his neck and kissed her, his hands running over her soft skin and softly kneading the flesh of her smooth thighs. Evelyn was so beautiful, so perfect, and Gerard wished she was the one running through his mind when he least expected it. She tasted safe, felt safe, but not like home the way Frank had when Gerard kissed him. That kiss, made in a moment of need and something else unknown but so heavy, Gerard couldn't forget it even if he promised he would. He wondered if Frank had forgotten it already or if it still crossed his mind, preventing him from doing the things he was meant to do. Some part of Gerard wished it was, which only helped him realize how far he was taking this when it was a moment of vulnerability, the craving for abandoned affection. Gerard refused to let himself be confused, consumed, and beaten down. He'd fight fire with fire.

Gerard pulled away from Evelyn's lips, brushing her curls away from her face and cupping the side of it with a gentle touch. "I just want you."

Evelyn softened at the confession full of lies. Gerard knew what he was doing, and that was getting this woman to fall in love with him in hopes of her staying long enough for him to forget about Frank and this strange warmth bubbling inside of him whenever he thought of his assistant. It was cruel, but Gerard didn't care when he needed it so badly. Perhaps things could change in the future, he'd fall in love with her in return and never think of Frank again. Gerard tangled his fingers in her long locks, pulling her in for another kiss full of more passion than the last. She melted into him, holding him, and he felt the beginnings of a woman falling for a man who was hiding the truth from her. Gerard wouldn't let Frank Iero have control over him, not now and not ever.

 

 

Evelyn left hours ago and Gerard was wandering the house restlessly, thinking over what he had done. Confessing unreal emotions, discovering new ones, and feeling destroyed by the both of them. The most astounding part of it all was that Gerard didn't want to drink, he didn't crave any sort of pill or drug to erase the feeling of dread sinking low in his body. He wanted to suffer, to _feel_ , so he could face the true reality of the choices he was making. He'd set up a dinner date with Evelyn tomorrow evening, their first official date ever since they began seeing each other. As regret seeped into every single pore of his, he couldn't complain when he tangled himself into this mess. He wished he could keep it as strictly sex between them, but Gerard knew how women were, and keeping them around for so long would lead to her falling in love. Gerard, on the other hand, was a stone when it came to labeling certain people as partners for sex. They were a body, a face and that was all he needed to get off and move on with his life the second he was finished with them. He never chased after romance, never went out on dates, because Gerard Way was not a committing man.

Something inside of him had become a never ending turmoil, melting the ice creating a shell around his soul. He felt more, he thought of things he never had before, and nothing was easy for him anymore. Waking up in the morning, having sex, pretending he was the apple of the world's eye and nothing could stop him. This wasn't him and it was driving him insane. Who was he if he didn't enjoy the things he used to? Who was he if he didn't sleep around, break hearts, and drink until he couldn't feel a single thing anymore? Gerard was nearly in tears at the multiple thoughts cramming into his head all at once, sensing a headache coming when a dull pain throbbed at the back of his skull. Without even thinking, his legs were carrying him to where he knew Frank was, that being the patio outside where he went to clear his mind after setting appointments and making other phone calls. Gerard clutched his pack of cigarettes tucked inside the pocket of his large black hoodie, knowing he would be needing a smoke to keep his god damn lips from attacking the latter's.

He stepped outside into the chilly December night, the cold air seeping through his hoodie and making his body tremble from the change in the temperature. The sun was setting over the mountains, the sky a pale purple-blue and decorated with thick orange tinted clouds gently being swept away by the wind pushing them forward. Gerard bit his lip, his eyes sweeping over the stone patio until he found Frank sitting on the bench swing, gently swaying back and forth as he watched the sun gradually set beside the grand show of changing colors taking place in the sky. Gerard quietly approached him, removing his tender lip from in between his teeth.

"Hey there." Gerard greeted him.

Frank looked away from the sky with raised eyebrows, his gaze fixing on Gerard. At the meeting of their eyes, Frank smiled, his eyes warm as they always were. "Hey Gerard."

Gerard took a seat next to him, leaving a gap in between them so no parts of them would brush against each other. He pulled out his packet of cigarettes, but only weighed the package in the palm of his hand instead of taking one of the skinny sticks out. He licked his dry lips, wincing at the sharpness of the lifted edges of skin threatening to peel. He tucked his lip in between his teeth and tugged, eventually tasting blood on the tip of his tongue after he picked away the dead skin.

"You don't look so happy." Frank observed, his eyes drinking in the sight of Gerard sitting beside him. Gerard glanced down at himself, at his baggy clothing in contrast to the fitting and expensive articles of clothes he usually adorned his body with. His lips were chapped, hair tangled and in need of a dye job. He didn't care how he appeared today, another odd occurrence that sent a pang through his stomach and to his chest.

"Just a hard day." Gerard whispered. He plucked a cigarette away from his pack, retrieving his lighter, and set the tip aflame to create the smoke he longed to breathe in. In with fresh air mixed with nicotine, out with negative and drawn out oxygen.

"Have you eaten at all?" Frank asked out of habit. It only became a habit after he discovered what Gerard did to himself and his body, and though the gesture melted Gerard's cold center a bit, it also filled him with guilt. Before, it was solely irritation, but that was before he began seeing Frank as a person and not an object and an employee.

"In the morning. I kept it down." Gerard told him around his cigarette.

Frank's forehead creased. "What about dinner?"

"Your concern is lovely, Frank, but I need to take this one step at a time." Gerard reminded him as gently as he could. He found it hard enough to keep yogurt and a bagel down, keeping anything else in his stomach sent his mind into a panic that plucked the final straw for a headache to form. It throbbed freely in his brain.

"I just don't want a repeat of last time." Frank leaned back in the swing, stopping the swaying motion of it as he rested his hands on his thighs and sighed.

Gerard remained silent. He didn't know how to reply to what Frank said, not when he couldn't confirm or deny if he would faint again. Every time Gerard decided he would eat healthily again, he slipped back into the same toxic pattern he became a victim to years ago. Only recently, it was wrapping its cold fingers around the best of him and squeezing until he could barely breathe. He glanced down at his stomach uneasily, grateful that a baggy layer of fabric was concealing it from his own prying eyes.

"Evelyn passed by me before she left." Frank mentioned to change the subject. "Said you to finally have a date tomorrow night."

Gerard bit his lip and balanced his cigarette in between his two fingers. "Yeah, we do. We're going out to dinner at the same place you and I had that meeting with Lucinda."

Frank's pink lips slowly took the shape of a fond smile, his warm eyes settling on the side of Gerard's face. "I'm happy for you two. You really are a perfect couple."

There was that statement again. Repetitive, crawling under Gerard's skin and settling there to pressure him into something he didn't want. They were a perfect couple in looks, how they appeared side by side, but that didn't mean anything in terms of romance. Many people looked well together, but that didn't mean they were meant to be.

"I guess so." Gerard dropped his cigarette end, smashing the end of it until it was a dirty smudge on the concrete. He was overcome with sudden bitterness, gnawing at his insides achingly.

"You don't . . . really like her the way she likes you, do you?" Frank assumed. And his assumptions were correct, only Gerard didn't want him to know that. Maybe if he made the latter believe he was falling in love with someone else, he would obtain more of his attention, perhaps another heated kiss he recently discovered he yearned for.

"I do, I truly do." Gerard lied as convincingly as possible, even forcing a ghost of a smile to lift the corners of his lips ever so slightly. "But it's just that everyone says we're the perfect couple and I don't want it to become so commercial that everyone will flip out if we somehow split up along the road."

"If you feel strongly enough about each other, then I don't think you'll have too large of a risk of splitting up." Frank appeared to be unbothered, even pursing his lips through a small smile thrown in Gerard's direction. Gerard huffed internally, digging into his pack for another cigarette.

"How about you and Marina, how's that coming along?" Gerard managed to keep the bitterness from leaking into his voice. Whenever he thought about Frank being with another person, an ugly wave of heat rushed into his chest, dipping into the hate he harbored underneath his skin and bone. Gerard was often possessive over things and people he made a mark on, Frank was no exception.

Frank looked away, clearing his throat slightly. "She's the same old Marina I met in high school . . . she's uh, she's going to school to become a doctor."

"The medical field, huh?" Gerard could do better than that.

"Yes." Frank nodded and toyed with the end of his shirt. "I think it's endearing."

Did Frank think modeling was endearing? It was a disgusting world built high by harrowing beauty standards, taking one look at Gerard would sum up the lives of a majority of models behind the scenes. The answer was most likely no, and Gerard held back wanting to clench his jaw.

Gerard wanted to know more about this woman, even if it built something high and hideous inside his chest the more he thought about it. "What's she like?"

Frank's cheek turned a delicate pink and his eyes flickered all over the place in a way that showed his nerves. Gerard crossed his legs and inhaled smoke, internally hating how the simple thought of her could make Frank flush that way and cause his shyness to peek through further more.

"She's just a bit older than me, very mature and sophisticated. Brunette, brown eyes, and very pretty. She has a . . . very loud personality, she just draws your attention whenever she steps into the room because of how confident she is." Frank trailed off, tucking his bottom lip in between his teeth. Gerard's eyes followed the movement longingly.

"Do you see yourself being with her for a long time?" Gerard drew his cigarette away from between his lips.

"Maybe, I'm not sure yet." Frank let go of his lip, glancing at Gerard. "What's Evelyn like?"

Gerard braced himself, hoping to invoke the emotion he wanted to get out of Frank with his swaying words. "She's very intelligent and independent despite working for someone else. Gorgeous, she listens when I talk, and I love listening to her talk about her life too. I've never met anyone like her, and I think that's why something in me told me not to let this one go." Gerard sat back, assessing his work as he glanced at Frank through the corner of his eye.

His assistant looked thoughtful, nodding his head slowly after he processed the words. There was no sign of discomfort, anger, nothing close to what Gerard felt storming inside of him. There were still things growing rapidly that he couldn't decipher and the fact that Frank was free of all of it only made him more angry, his hand shaking as he lifted it to place his cigarette in between his lips and greedily breathe in the smoke to soothe some part of him turning hot with anger.

"Are you a committing type of guy, Frank?" Gerard asked, breathing out shakily.

"I've told you, I've never had super serious relationships before. But I know I'm a faithful man. If I fall in love, I wouldn't be stupid and let it go for someone else who's offering what the other isn't."

And yet, he would kiss someone while falling in love with another. What sort of logic was that?

"I'm not, which is why I don't understand commitment." Gerard deadpanned and crushed yet another cigarette on the ground. "I like sex, I like freedom. Don't you?"

Frank looked out towards the sun being hidden away by the clouds, the orange glow slowly fading into something darker as the night sky approached rapidly. "Not everyone sees it that way, Gerard. I think you haven't fallen in love yet, that's why you don't understand the appeal of settling down with only one person."

What Frank said shouldn't have sunken under Gerard's skin so deeply. The flourishing of the unknown inside his chest also shouldn't have appeared, or the pain following it. Gerard buried his dreams of falling in love many years ago, when he was a mere teenager. He lost his virginity when he was fourteen, when the cameras had already began flashing at him wherever he went and not a day went by where there wasn't someone who wanted him in their bed - all the young pretty girls in their flowing skirts and thigh highs, their virginity so appealing, and the boys shaping into their lean bodies, their sex drive as high as Gerard's. He was also a bit of a rascal back when he was younger, the lifestyle he exposed himself to only showed him that the world had little mercy and limits when it came to sex, whereas love carried all the weight of the world. He never had a chance to experience it, he turned off all emotion to live in a way that would make Hollywood glamour bearable for him.

"I just can't see it. Maybe for a moment there I was infatuated with the idea of loving someone, because of Evelyn, but the more I think about it, the more I want to dissociate myself from it." Gerard shrugged off the emotions crawling under his skin, squeezing his eyes closed as tight as possible to shut them all out.

"I can only encourage you to test it out. I'm a hopeless romantic, so my advice might not rub you the right way." Frank chuckled once, rising from his seat. The loss of weight made the seat wobble a bit, what with the uneven proportions. Frank gently brushed his hand against Gerard's shoulder as a silent goodbye as he walked past him, heading inside as the night began to take over. Gerard opened his eyes and stared at the ground, the remains of the cigarettes he smoked. He felt hollow, but at the same time, filled with longing.

Gerard didn't want love, he was so certain of it because he engraved it into his bones when he discovered how cruel it could be. Watching the world around him, he paid attention to scandals, ugly divorces, the grief people went through when their hearts were broken. He thrived off of attention and affection, the love and adoration of others, but he vowed he'd never fall in love to keep himself from murdering the last bit of life he had left in him. He knew love would kill him if he ever fell in it, he couldn't bear the thought of enduring even more torture piled on top of his soul breaking issues he carried with him every day. Memories of assault, neglect, burning into his flesh to this day and leading him to self destructive behavior. He craved _something_ from Frank, _anything_. Affectionate gestures that didn't center around friendship, kisses hot enough to burn his lips and leave him wanting more, undying love that would have him crawling on his knees for Gerard. A strong urge to claim and claim and give little to nothing in return as long as he had someone to remind him that he was valid and good enough to love. When Frank showed he was not interested many times, shoving Gerard away and keeping their contact minimal unless he needed to touch Gerard, it was driving the model crazy. The need for Frank's affection turned _him_ into the fool falling to his knees, doing whatever it took to get something out of him. Gerard was too used to obtaining the heart of everyone he set his eye on, his game came with a pair of dice and a set of instructions because to him, love was only that; a deck of cards, a board game, ending at one point or another, and only one person could win. Gerard had to be the winner each time, and so he was. With Frank as his opponent, he felt like the game was eternal. Nothing worked, nothing sparked anything within Frank, and it was forcing Gerard to draw closer and closer until buried parts of him were arising, he witnessed himself falling into a pit each time Frank acted out of the kindness of his heart to help Gerard to heal.

Frank didn't want him.

Gerard tucked his head in between his knees as he cried, letting anger swallow him whole, his fists clenched and hitting the sides of his legs. With clenched teeth, he bit back sobs. He was letting this happen to himself. He was letting the lack of love prove to the sick part of his brain that he wasn't good enough, he needed to push harder, make Frank love him. But in doing so, quite the opposite was happening.

Gerard was infuriatingly and recklessly falling in love with Frank Iero.


	14. Drunken Confessions Are a Bitch

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It may just be the alcohol, but Gerard can't hold his secret in anymore.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm aware that this version of my story has Melanie Martinez in it, I failed to edit that out like I did on wattpad after the whole issue with her arose...since she isn't a main character, she'll just be a woman named Melanie from now on. I don't want to get captured in possible controversy since I wrote this book before everything happened.

Frank, in complete honesty, hadn't meant to find what he held in his hand right at this moment. He wouldn't have even imagined finding something other than the scandalous drugs hidden in Gerard's drawer, he had only been in desperate search of a migraine killer which he was certain the model must have had with him. Perhaps that was the wrong place to look and he should have known such a thing, but now that he opened it up and dug through the contents inside, he found his hand curling around a certain bottle that sent a wave of negative shock surging through his body.

Frank slowly stood up, staring down at the full pill bottle. For something as significant as this, the bottle shouldn't have been full at all, but the pills stayed trapped inside, neglected by the person meant to take them. Frank knew they weren't placed in the drawer by mistake. Gerard rummaged through it almost every day to soothe himself and get a high out of what laid in there, there was no doubt in Frank's mind that he came across it every single day and pushed it aside like an old Tylenol bottle he couldn't be bothered to refill. In Frank's shaky grasp was a container of prescribed and expired depression medication. It was given to Gerard over a year ago, even requiring a refill, but not one pill out of the fifty capsules inside had been swallowed. They were a waste now that they were expired, abandoned despite Gerard needing to take these to keep himself at level with his emotions. He remembered being met with the same sight when he was younger, swallowing down tablets to balance the chemicals in his brain in order to prevent him from falling into spells of depression. It was almost nostalgic to hold them again, but the situation at hand left him swallowing drying, saddened to see Gerard failed to keep himself secure by avoiding these pills. Frank rubbed the side of his face, not quite knowing what to do with himself. Some part of his mind told him exactly what he needed to do, another half told him to tuck them back into place and pretend he never saw it.

The logical side of him won, overpowering the empathetic part of him. He slipped out his phone and dialed Marina's number, pressing the phone against his ear. Frank was being much more strict about his job ever since he felt warmth entering his heart when he kissed Gerard those few days ago. The fizzling feeling developing in his gut, sending him into overdrive with thoughts about how the scene would have played out if he placed his business aside to fade into the model in a moment of heat. The days weren't long enough, not giving him time to erase it from his memory. He couldn't forget, not after such an amazing kiss, not after he witnessed how much he craved it. How he _still_ caught himself craving it, like the devil held him in his palm and rattled him like a fragile pair of dice to edge him towards wanting things he should have never discovered were possibilities for him if he wasn't so foolish and weak.

Frank squeezed his eyes shut, thankful when Marina's voice answering his call drew his train of thought elsewhere.

"Marina, I was looking for some painkillers in Gerard's drug drawer and I found something that was all the way in the back. I don't know how I didn't see it last time." Frank told her in his most professional tone of voice.

"What did you find?" Marina sounded more than delighted as she shuffled on the other line.

"It's old depression medication. Prescribed, completely full and expired." Frank turned it around in his hand, reading the name written on the label. "Escitalopram."

"Medical term for Lexapro." Marina informed him. "How long has it been expired?"

"About a month. He was prescribed to it in early November last year."

"Take a picture of that and send it to me so I can print it up for the article. Thank you."

After Frank finished his phone call with Marina, he snapped a photo of the bottle and sent it to her. He swallowed thickly the more he stared at it and the more he did, the quicker nausea rose in his stomach. Frank shoved the medication back into the drawer, fishing out what he was originally looking for. He couldn't afford to feel guilt over something he walked into, knowing the requirements of it all. He wished he could eliminate his emotions and robotically go about collecting information. Shutting the drawer, he made his way back downstairs and into the kitchen where Melanie was picking up after dinner, scrubbing the stove while water ran in the full sink to wash away some of the grime from the dishes. Frank quickly took his pill with some water, rolling his sleeves up and standing beside the tiny woman.

"You want some help?" He asked her. A distraction would hopefully lend him some grace.

Melanie looked up in surprise, but a smile of relief rose to her lips. "I would appreciate that so much."

Frank smiled back at her softly, going to the sink to start with the dishes. The two of them exchanged light conversation while cleaning, accompanied by the sound of the running water and Melanie's scrubbing. Frank enjoyed helping people, it reminded him of taking over cleaning the house or the kitchen for his mother when he was younger. He'd put on her yellow cleaning gloves, but they were too big for his small hands and arms. Nonetheless, he used them anyways and always made her so proud when she came in later to a spotless kitchen and a smiling, blushing Frank. Melanie offered to dry and put away the dishes when she was finished wiping away the counters, but he told her to let him handle it so she could return to her apartment and rest. She was hesitant at first, but she left in the end, thanking him a couple more times until she was out the door. Frank finished up, moving on to dry and put away the dishes.

He was singing under his breath when he heard the sound of keys jingling in the front door lock, twisting until the door opened and Frank heard the familiar sound of Gerard's laughter - but it wasn't his sober laugh, rising alertness in Frank immediately. He also heard another soft voice, belonging to a familiar female. Frank stopped what he was doing to go out to the room where he heard the voices, stepping in. He was shocked at the sight of Gerard hanging off of Evelyn while swaying drunkenly, the distressed woman attempting to keep him from falling over in his unstable state.

"Oh god." Frank sighed, drawing the pair's attention to him.

Gerard's eyes widened and he grinned giddily, making grabby hands in the direction of the latter. "Frank! I was hoping you'd be home!"

"He had too much to drink at dinner." Evelyn explained, one of her golden curls falling onto her perfectly made up face. "I tried to tell him to slow down, but he wouldn't listen."

"Because I'm fine, none of you think I can hold my alcohol." Gerard rolled his eyes and straightened himself up as best as he could, tucking his red hair behind his ear.

"Honey, you couldn't get out of the car without help." Evelyn whispered close to his ear, her dark blonde eyebrows pulling together with concern.

" _And_?" He remarked, looking thoroughly annoyed by her standing close to him. He stepped away, batting her hand away from his arm with a fluttering movement. Evelyn looked slightly hurt by his behavior, but she made no comment on it.

"Thank you for bringing him home safely, Evelyn." Frank sighed, approaching the two of them. "You can stay if you want, but I'm not sure if you're comfortable being around right now."

"I'll just head on home." Evelyn pursed her ruby red lips, glancing at Gerard quickly. "Not exactly what I had in mind, but . . ."

"Goodnight then." Gerard said dismissively, not to mention incredibly rudely as he examined his nails closely. Frank shot him a dirty look, placing a hand on the small of Evelyn's back as she turned towards the door with sad eyes.

"Please don't let him get to you, he's a completely different person when he's drunk." Frank apologized softly for Gerard's behavior when they were outside and out of earshot from the drunk model standing inside.

"I know, but sometimes I get the feeling that he doesn't like me as much as he says he does." Evelyn chuckled softly and tucked a curl of her hair behind her ear, her other hand holding a pearl colored clutch purse.

"I know he likes you, he's told me himself. Drunk Gerard has his own ideas." Frank consoled her as best as he could, but he was a bit confused over the sudden spur of annoyance Gerard showed towards her when only yesterday he was raving about what a wonderful woman she was.

"Perhaps it'll change when he's sober." She nodded, her lashes brushing the tops of her cheeks as she looked down momentarily. "Well, goodnight, Frank. Make sure he stays safe, no drunk driving or outings. I'd hate for anything to happen to him."

"I do the best I can every time. Have a nice evening, sorry again about Gerard." He patted her arm softly as a goodbye and watched her go until she safely entered her car and left the premises. Once her car was completely out of view, Frank turned around and went back inside, looking around until he found Gerard in the kitchen, pouring himself a glass of Charonnay.

Frank huffed, making his way over and taking the bottle of wine away from Gerard. "I think you've had enough for one night."

Gerard rolled his eyes heavily, groaning loudly to exaggerate his annoyance. "Why is everyone always on my ass about this? I haven't been drinking as often lately."

"Don't you want to keep it that way?" Frank cocked an eyebrow and drew the bottle away from his body when Gerard reached out for it. The model glared at him through his lashes, slowly stepping forward until their faces were too close- Frank could feel his alcohol scented breath brushing against his lips that parted slightly in shock from the bold movement the model made.

"Quite frankly, _no_." Gerard snatched the bottle from Frank, taking his glass with him and storming off towards the stairs. Frank had to collect himself for a moment and take a deep breath before he followed the model, hot on his tail when he pushed his legs hard enough to match the latter's quick pace.

"You were being really rude to Evelyn just now, you know." Frank called after him.

Gerard stopped at the top of the stairs abruptly and turned around with his hip sticking out. Frank almost crashed into him and he backed up a step so he wouldn't do so and fall down the stairs.

"Oh, was I?" Gerard fluttered his lashes, feigning an innocent expression exaggerated by the sarcasm dripping from his tone. It rubbed Frank the wrong way, seeing him act so careless and even poking fun at something that could damage the latter's relationship in the future.

" _Yes_ , you were. It hurt her, Gerard. You should have seen her face." Frank crossed his arms over his chest and hoped it would knock some sense into the drunken model, even by a little bit.

But with his clouded mind and current mentality, Gerard rolled his eyes once more, bringing the rim of his glass to his lips. "She'll live."

Frank stood there at the top step in shock, watching Gerard enter his bedroom with a sway to his hips and a bit of a stumble in his walk. Nothing seemed to break him out of his seemingly apathetic trance and Frank blamed it on the alcohol, but it was drunk words that released sober thoughts. He didn't doubt for a second that a person's drunk personality was very different from their normal one, however. Frank followed Gerard into his room just as the model took a seat on the side of his bed, crossing his legs as he lifted his glass and gulped down the wine swishing inside of it.

"You can't just act that way with your own girlfriend, Gerard. She cares about you, I could see it when she looks at you." Frank urged on.

"Whoa, where did these labels come from?" Gerard wiped the back of his mouth and his eyes widened in shock. "Evelyn isn't my girlfriend."

"Then what do you call someone that you're taking out on dates, having sex with, and whatever else you do?" Frank raised his eyebrows in disbelief.

"I don't know, a fling? Tonight just set in stone that I really don't want her anymore, she kept making comments on my drinking like I was going to die if I didn't stop." Gerard slammed his glass down loudly on his bedside table. Frank flinched at the loud sound, surprised the cup didn't shatter from the force.

"Then you let her down easy." Frank sighed exasperatedly. "She has feelings for you. When you don't like a person back, then you gently tell them this isn't what you want. Acting like she annoys you and being rude isn't the way to tell her to leave you alone."

"Look, you have your way of getting people to move on and I have mine. Fucking simple." Gerard swung his legs over the bed and stood up, glaring daggers into Frank. Frank dodged the knives in his gaze and shook his head, sudden anger filling him at the way Gerard was acting out so suddenly after days of peace.

"What is wrong with you? Don't you have any sympathy in you?"

Gerard laughed, cold and mocking. "We've established this a while ago, Frank. I'm a heart-breaker, I love fucking and kissing and taking until I don't want it anymore. I have no clue why this is surprising to you when I told you exactly that, or why you expected me to drag this on for longer than a few weeks."

"She's perfect for you, you implied that."

"Yes, but I'm _bored_." Gerard dragged out the last word slowly, as if he was attempting to get the meaning of it through Frank's head. He was acting childishly, Frank couldn't help but feel like he was scolding an irresponsible child.

"Does that make it right?" Frank shot back at him. Gerard's face flushed in anger at his question, his lips pressing into a thin line.

"This isn't any of your business. Who are you, my fucking father?"

"You know all I want is for you to get better, to heal. Don't turn this on me." Frank pointed his finger towards Gerard's chest. He was close to having enough of this, his heart was beating quickly now and he saw no good outcome from their argument. Fighting like they had been married for years when they'd only known each other for a small collection of months.

"Well if you don't like the way I handle my relationships, then don't butt in. You don't get it." Gerard pushed past him like an exhausted tornado bubbling over with agitation, heading into his closet. There, he began to roughly pull out his night clothes from their drawer, the skimpy lingerie he slept in most of the time if it wasn't a baggy shirt accompanied by a lack of proper pants.

"What don't I get, what could possibly be an excuse for you treating people like shit?" Frank spun around to face him.

"Shut up." Gerard snapped, slamming one of his drawer's shut.

"No, I'm not going to fucking shut up." Frank's voice took on a different tone. His voice became deeper as it projected in the room, causing Gerard to stop what he was doing. He was internally shocked by the boldness of his tone, but he didn't have the capacity of patience to assess it accordingly when he'd just about had it with arguing with the immature man grating on his nerves. Slowly, the model turned around, his eyes narrowing into slits once his gaze was settled on Frank who stood a few feet away, his hands curling into fists.

"You watch your tone with me." Gerard whispered, low and warning. Frank didn't listen.

"Evelyn is a sweet girl that doesn't deserve you dumping her onto the side of the road just because you've grown _bored_ of her." Frank glared into Gerard's eyes. "No one deserves that. I don't know why something so simple has made you lose all of your interest in her, which seemed pretty serious the other day, but you can't treat her like she's lesser than you."

Gerard fell silent for a long moment. He stared down at the cashmere and lace fabric in his hands, his jaw clenched and his mouth still in the same angry thin line he set it in just a while ago. Frank watched him slowly curl his fists around the lingerie, squeezing the material until his knuckles were turning white from the pressure.

"What if that isn't what I want? What if _she_ isn't what I want, are you going to fight me on that, too?" Gerard spoke daringly, spinning his entire body around so he was facing Frank, squaring his jaw.

"Then I suggest you let her go softly." Frank replied, his tone not as demanding as it had been only moments before once he was the hardness surrounding the model beginning to crack.

Gerard shook his head slowly, taking a few steps forward. "You have no right to tell me how to live my life. You don't know what I want, or how I do things, don't pretend that you know me."

Frank dropped his arms to his sides in pure exasperation. "Then why don't you enlighten me and tell me since you're so attached to your way of living?"

"As if I would ever tell _you_ what I want. It's right in front of you, you idiot." Gerard huffed heavily and stormed out of the closet, slamming the door shut. He shoved past Frank again with a pissed off expression hardening his normally delicate features, the lingerie still grasped tightly in his hand. His masculinity won over his feminine approach and stunned Frank only dimly, but not as much as the words he spat blindly out of spite. Frank reached out and wrapped his hand around Gerard's wrist to stop him. Gerard stiffened immediately at the unexpected touch, whirling around with bright and angered eyes shining with wide pupils.

"Let go of me." Gerard growled through clenched teeth. Frank did the opposite, turning his body around so they were properly face to face, his hand sliding down to the latter's forearm.

"What has gotten into you?" Frank asked him, his eyes raking all over the model who was practically shaking with rage. Gerard scoffed, attempting to yank his arm free, but Frank wasn't planning on letting go until this was settled.

"Like you don't know." Gerard averted his gaze. Frank couldn't help but notice the strength of his voice faltering some and he stopped struggling to yank his arm free. Gerard stood there silently, looking anywhere but at Frank.

Frank's anger faded a bit around the edges at the sudden turn Gerard's stance had taken and he took this as an opportunity to finally get somewhere with their seemingly hopeless argument. "I don't, Gerard. Which is why we're fighting in the first place."

Gerard surprised Frank by slowly turning his head to meet his gaze once more. But Gerard's eyes no longer blazed with fury or clouded over with the haze of whatever strong alcohol he consumed tonight. His eyeliner rimmed hazel eyes were rapidly pooling with tears, his lips shaping into a grim smile filled with no signs of humor. Frank blinked in shock and felt any other words he may have wanted to say slowly die on the tip of his tongue. It was an aching expression he witnessed before, bringing him back to a moment where the model begged him for a kiss to feel beautiful again. Frank's decaying words fluttered into his throat and stuck there, making it impossible to speak or make a single sound.

"Have I not made it obvious enough for you? What do I have to do to get you to understand, write it on my forehead? Even then, you still wouldn't get it." Gerard's voice, filled with bitterness, wobbled and pierced through the armor of anger Frank wore. Instead, he was filled with confusion and concern, a bit of frustration when Gerard kept postponing what he needed to say.

"What?" Frank breathed.

Gerard's face flushed. He shut his eyes tightly and tears escaped from the corners, rapidly dripping down his cheeks to his chin and blackened by his makeup. He yanked his arm free from Frank's grasp in a sudden burst of anger, a frustrated cry ripping from his throat that sent shock emitting through Frank's whole body.

"God dammit, Frank, it's you!" Gerard threw his night gown to the ground forcefully, his hands shaking violently. "I've never fucking wanted anyone before, I lived up to my promise of never falling in love, but you had to come and ruin everything! You just don't fucking see, how could you not? I'm myself around you, I trust you with things I never thought I'd share. I've kissed you, for fuck's sake! How can anyone be so _oblivious_?" He sobbed loudly, rubbing at his eyes, smearing his makeup all over his face and his hands.

Frank could only stand there, immobile with shock as the model fell apart in front of him. The shock froze his blood until nothing was moving through him anywhere and he felt cold, empty, his fingertips tingling with the intensity. Gerard's words were skimming across the surface of his skin, attempting to find a way to sink underneath it until they were successful. Snaking their way into every single part of him, Frank felt heavy. He was feeling again, something other than shock, but none of it was the happiness one should have felt when someone admitted that they were in love with them. Instead, he was weighed down with the heavy burden of guilt, horrible realization, wanting to reject this feeling of love Gerard felt towards him because he didn't deserve it. Of all people Gerard could have broken his shell for and fallen in love with, he chose Frank, the worst person to become a victim of love to. Plans to destroy Gerard were in Frank's agenda, to expose the realness behind his life of make-believe perfection everyone saw floating on the surface. This wasn't meant to happen, and Frank was unable to stop himself from believing he messed up beyond repair. If Gerard was only in the first stage of falling in love, and he prayed that he was . . . no. He found no signs of redemption between them.

Gerard stared at him, his gaze desperate, chest rising and falling rapidly. "Well? Are you going to say something?" He whispered, broken and quiet.

Frank opened his mouth on instinct, always knowing the right words to say, but coming short of them today. His heart was beating so fast that he could hear it thrumming through the blood rushing in his ears, blood that rapidly defrosted and now became a hot current pulsing under his skin. He stared into Gerard's eyes. Those beautiful eyes, reddened and full of frantic patience, desperation and pain. Even with black makeup staining his porcelain doll face, his lips pale and his eyes puffy, he was still the most beautiful creation Frank had ever seen. A creation he was forbidden to love, to touch, no matter how many times the tuned out desire rushed through his thoughts.

"You deserve so much more than me, Gerard." Frank whispered. It was nothing but the truth, even if it may have sounded unfair to Gerard when he was kept in the dark from Frank's true identity and purpose.

Gerard exhaled through his mouth, a loud and shaky breath, melting into a whimper towards the end. He fluttered his wet lashes as his face went pale, and Frank could only call his expression the epitome of heartbreak. Frank didn't want to be the reason behind that, it hurt to see the affect he was having on someone he became closer to than he intended. Gerard may have been horrible to people, his habits got the best of him, but he was still a person with emotions underneath it all. Someone vulnerable was buried under the haughty model oozing sex and money, worthy of all the tranquility the world had to offer.

"I - I should have known that . . ." Gerard trailed off. He blinked away a fresh layer of tears coating his eyes. Frank swallowed hard, the sight brutal against his crippling guilt. He bit his lip and slowly bent down, picking up the clothing Gerard tossed away, and set it down gently on the bed.

When he turned back around, he nearly choked on a gasp when Gerard closed the distance in between them. Their faces were close to touching and Gerard was cupping Frank's face so delicately. His hands were still trembling, but they were warm, his soft skin pressing against Frank's and drawing their faces close as his body gravitated towards Frank.

"Please, Frank, tell me you feel _something_ at least." Gerard pleaded breathlessly, his eyes wide and seeking Frank's frozen stare. He would be so easy to breathe in if Frank let himself. He was there, willing to be given anything, but Frank couldn't do it.

"We shouldn't talk about this when you're drunk." Frank whispered and swallowed to erase the dryness from his throat. His hands instinctively wrapped around Gerard's wrists, fingertips gliding over the soft surface he was almost unwilling to let go of. But why unwilling? Why was it so fucking hard to swallow down these haunting desires when he told himself they meant nothing?

"You can't just leave it at that. I won't be able to sleep, _please,_ Frank." Gerard whimpered, pressing his nose against the tip of Frank's. He smelled strongly of alcohol and cherry blossoms, his breath warm as it fanned over Frank's open lips. Frank's heart fluttered weakly, his chest aching at the pained sound of Gerard's sweet voice. He shut his eyes, his hands shakily rising from Gerard's wrists to the latter's own pair of pale hands. He gently took the model's fingers between his own and pulled his hands away from his face.

"I'm not supposed to love you. I'm working for you, and I know that I won't stay here forever. If I do fall for you, what if something happens? That puts my job here at risk." Frank told him as softly as possible, squeezing the model's delicate hands gently to match the tone of his voice. Gerard squeezed back, not being able to help the strangled whimper breaking apart in his throat.

"I can't stop myself from falling in love with you." Gerard's voice cracked. His lashes were tangled together due to the collection of dewdrop tears appearing on them whenever he blinked, splashing faintly. Frank's heart tugged violently, knowing he would be the cause of horrible damage to Gerard.

"You can't stop yourself from falling in love, but you can try your hardest to grow out of it."

Gerard stared at Frank helplessly. The lost look in his eyes, it was one Frank had yet to witness during his entire experience of working with Gerard. Even when he was falling apart, he was always so sure of what he would do next, moving along with his life after rising from the ashes of another breakdown. Gerard couldn't pull himself out of this mess and Frank felt empty because he was physically unable to help him. Why did this feel so wrong, pushing Gerard away? It felt like the tip of a dagger was tracing a line across his chest, only enough pressure being placed there to warn him that if he let this continue, it would plunge in with a lust for blood.

Frank barely had time to think before Gerard was leaning in, taking Frank's hand and pressing his palm over his chest where his heart was located, and the model's lips met his in a soft kiss. It was gentle, only lips touching, melding together with the slightest bit of flavor leaking into it. Frank's eyes remained open and wide. Gerard's lips were smooth against his own and slightly wet, careful, unmoving. So different from the rest, and Frank was once again hit with another pang of pain directly in the center of his heart. The model was unknowingly cutting into Frank with the shards of his broken heart, letting him become aware that the dagger he felt pressed against him wasn't a dagger at all. His lips were achingly perfect and seeking for what he couldn't have, but he tried to gain it all in a desperate attempt, making Frank's eyes sting. More so when he felt Gerard's heart beating under his palm, a jagged pattern he caused . Frank pulled away from the kiss when it became unbearable. Not because it didn't feel good, not because he was revolted by the taste on his tongue, but because he didn't want to make this harder for the fragile model than it already was. He ran his thumb across Gerard's lip softly, watching the latter's broken and dazed eyes slowly flutter open.

"You need to rest." Frank whispered. He pulled his hands away from the model and stepped away. Gerard looked like he hadn't expected the loss of contact, wobbling slightly until he grasped the bed frame for support.

Frank helped guide the man to bed, sitting him down on the edge. He turned away for one second to dim the lighting in the room, but when he came back from doing so, Gerard was frantically retrieving the waste bin beside his bed and hunching over it, gagging until his body couldn't hold anything in anymore. The sounds were worthy of a cringe, but something about the misery filling the room kept it from being pitiful. Frank sat beside him, holding Gerard's hair away from his face, rubbing his back soothingly as the least he could do. The model's body was lurching and trembling, Frank could feel his muscles moving underneath where his hand was placed. He rubbed soothing circles there, hearing how Gerard whimpered in between gags.

"It's okay, you'll be okay." Frank whispered to him. He could only offer soft whispers of comfort and hope they would find their way inside Gerard's head and remain seated there. The last thing he ever wanted was for Gerard to hurt over him, but everything went so wildly out of proportion that Frank would need the entire evening to go over his choices and the ones he had yet to make. Frank squeezed his eyes shut, comforting Gerard until his body was limp and shivering violently after he fell sick.

"Frank, oh god. It burns." Gerard clutched his stomach, his words slurring together as spit dribbled from his lips. Frank nodded in understanding and retrieved a tissue from the nightstand, wiping Gerard's mouth gently and dumping the used material into the waste bin. Gerard shakily set it down onto the ground and wiped at the tears running down his face.

"Let's get you dressed." Frank whispered. He helped a shaky Gerard into a better position on the bed. Glancing at the skimpy lingerie set aside on the comforter, Frank decided it wouldn't be best for Gerard to sleep in such a revealing outfit when he was unwell and shivering from the cold. Frank went into the closet and retrieved one of his oversized shirts, surprised to see a familiar faded band logo on the front of the material. Frank knew the model hated sleeping in pants, so he skipped over that and went to help Gerard undress. He kept his eyes averted from Gerard's body the entire time he was helping him change. He didn't want to be disrespectful, and he nearly flinched whenever his fingers brushed against the silky white skin being exposed. Frank chewed his bottom lip until it was red and beginning to swell, tugging the shirt onto Gerard's body while the model kicked off his pants that gathered around his ankles.

Gerard slid under his bed covers, bringing them to his neck, and he curled his body into a shivering ball. His red hair spilled across the sheets and Frank could see the outline of his form through the blankets. Frank set some painkillers on the side for Gerard while knowing his hangover would be intense. Gerard watched Frank move through his sleepy fog, his green and hazel eyes murky from his intoxication. Frank turned off the lamp, bathing the room in a content darkness.

"Can you stay with me until I fall asleep?" Gerard asked. The words spilled from his mouth in a slurred mumble, but it was still clear enough for Frank to hear before he turned and left the room.

Frank looked down at the model who was half asleep, blinking lazily up at him. He contemplated if he should stay or not, whether he should give Gerard what he wanted. It would only be for a few minutes, the model was nearly asleep as it was and he only wanted Frank's company because he didn't seem to want to be alone in the state he was in. Most of all, it was the least Frank could do for him. Frank slowly climbed onto the bed. He settled next to Gerard on top of the covers, laying against the pillows, and folding his hands across his stomach. He was close enough to give Gerard comfort, but far enough to keep them from touching each other. It was quiet besides their breathing and the dark casted shadows across both of their faces, the moonlight glowing in the night sky outside. Their eyes met, heads turned to the side to watch each other. Frank could see the way Gerard's eyes had puffed up after shedding so many tears, his lids heavy from sleep he was trying to obtain. Still beautiful, an unspeakably gorgeous enigma under the silver of the moon.

When Gerard finally became too tired to keep looking at Frank, his eyes slipped shut, and sleep soon followed the movement. His breathing was even, body growing limp against the pillows and the sheets providing him warmth. His face became peaceful, but remained drained of color. Frank sighed softly and took this as his cue to leave. Shutting his own eyes for a moment, he leaned in and pressed a feather light kiss against the tip of Gerard's pointed nose before he left.

Quietly leaving the room, Frank went into his own, swiping his tongue across his lips like it would wipe away the memory of Gerard's kiss from them. Perhaps he didn't want to rid of it, because some piece of him being forced into the dark was falling deeply in love with Gerard. Frank was only saving himself and the model from the cruelty of heartbreak. It was the most logical thing to do, to push Gerard away and bury these feelings until he convinced his brain he didn't feel them, but after tonight, he was beginning to wonder if logic was always the correct way to go about everything- for he what he truly wanted was far from being logical.


	15. Screwed Is the One Who Fell In Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Faced with a dilemma, Gerard goes to the only people he can count on.

Gerard didn't care when he woke up the next morning hung over beyond belief, his brain feeling like it suffered a brutal beating inside his skull. The most logical thing a person would do was take the painkillers on the nightstand next to them, but he decided against it, his throat drying at the thought of swallowing any sort of pill today. He sat in bed, in a daze of numbness, only breaking out of it twice when nausea overcame him and he needed to gag into the waste bin beside him. Clearly, he had used it the night before and he was left to cringe, shuddering and shaking from the force of the illness coming over him. His ached as much as his stomach did, increasing the intensity of it and only making it so much worse. He hated the feeling of being so helpless, succumbing to sickness, but he only had himself to blame for recklessly drinking, knowing it would all come back to spite him when it was over. Sleep did little to soothe him over, the heaviness of it made him feel like he slept for one hour with no dreams playing behind his closed eyelids.

Gerard's memories were a blurred mass of chaos he could barely put together, but it was clear enough to form a decent explanation of what happened. He recalled an argument with Frank that involved Evelyn, he also remembered roaming around the house as he fought back, and his mouth was spewing out drunken word vomit when the anger took over him, resulting in the gentle yet cruel breaking of his heart. Frank didn't want Gerard, he couldn't even allow himself to even if the opportunity was handed to him. This wasn't how it ever worked, that was another frustrating part of him, and Gerard couldn't understand why Frank didn't want to love him. He could never figure him out and the most angering part of it all was he swore he caught his assistant glancing at him with some form of concealed longing. Perhaps he'd imagined it. On another hand, Gerard was thoroughly embarrassed and mortified that he left himself tell Frank of his most private emotions, the ones he was desperately trying to get rid of. It was impossible to shake them off when Gerard was falling so deeply, but he _had_ to. He was never going to admit that he was in love with Frank Iero, not if he had the power to put an end to these feelings. He wasn't exactly certain if he'd said those words directly to his assistant, he prayed that he didn't, because he knew it was too soon to determine what was bubbling in his gut, what made his chest clench sorely when he thought about the rejection roughly striking him across the face.

Gerard quickly showered and tugged on a loose white tank top and tucked it underneath the high waist of his leather skirt, rolling up his bunched up sheer thigh highs after tugging on a pair of boots with hasty hands lacing them up sloppily. Shrugging on his leather jacket strewn across a chair, Gerard applied minimal makeup to eliminate his dark circles and pale cheeks and gathered his things, quickly exiting the room and flying down the stairs to the entrance. He only caught a glimpse of Frank helping out in the kitchen from the corner of his eye, but he refused to fully turn his head and look at the man. If he caught his eye now, he wouldn't be able to leave, he feared that his eyes would fill with unwanted tears. Gerard hurried out the door with his car keys dangling from his fingers. He hadn't driven himself anywhere in quite a while and Gerard was much too desperate to get away from the house to bother with dialing Dallon for a ride. Climbing into his silver car,  Gerard shut the door and jammed the keys into the ignition.

The drive was silent and quiet, the only sound being the soft tinkling from the bells hanging from the review mirror, tied with a silk bow to a glass angel meant to represent protection. Gerard was thankful for heavily tinted windows or else the people driving in the vehicles beside him would surely recognize him and attempt to follow him, roll their windows down and lean out to capture his attention. Gerard grew anxious at every stoplight, but eventually, he reached his destination sooner than he thought he would. Getting out of the car and locking it, Gerard walked down the winding gravel path to the front door of the house he visited almost as often as he did his own. The rocks crunched underneath the heels of his boots, a familiar and welcoming sound. Gerard walked up the three steps in front of the wide maple wood door and clicked on the doorbell built into the side of the wall. The glass window in the door was warped and clouded, but he could see shadows moving behind it shortly after he rang the bell.

Brendon opened the door, dressed casually on his day off. He looked a bit surprised at Gerard's presence, but once he noticed the distressed expression on the model's face, his eyebrows drew together in concern.

"Do you need some of Sarah's comfort coffee?" He asked immediately.

Something about the warm statement plucked the last straw out of Gerard. His eyes watered at an alarming rate and his expression crumbled in a matter of seconds.

"Aw shit." Brendon mumbled, opening his door widely. "Come in, it's cold outside."

Gerard stepped inside the house and Brendon rested his hand on the small of his back. It was warm inside the familiar house, the walls matching the feel of it with the subtle cream and brown colors. The door shut and Brendon held his arms open for Gerard to let himself fall into. Gerard took the offer and wrapped his arms around Brendon, sobbing softly into his black shirt. This was exactly the reason why he wore extremely waterproof makeup, he knew he would make a sniveling fool out of himself once he let himself be vulnerable.

"What happened?" Brendon asked when he pulled away from the hug.

Gerard smiled, full of bitterness and a sort of ache he hated with a passion hot enough to burn himself to ash. "Evelyn. And Frank. More specifically, Evelyn and _then_ Frank."

Before Brendon could ask him anything else, Sarah rounded the corner, curiously peering in to see who her husband was speaking to.

"Oh, Gerard!" She chirped sweetly, and soon after, she took in the tears rolling down Gerard's face and the pain written in his eyes. Her face fell. "Oh, sweetie, do you need me to make some of my special coffee for you?"

Gerard smiled through a shaky breath, nodding gratefully at the woman he learned to adore. "Yes, thank you, Sarah."

"Both of you come to the kitchen, we'll talk there." Sarah placed her hands on her hips and turned around with a flourish of her red dress before she disappeared around the corner again. Brendon smiled a bit at his wife's kindness, guiding Gerard into the open kitchen filled with streaming sunlight coming through the window. Gerard squinted in the slightest bit of pain due to the remains of his hangover not taking the light too well. He made his way to the dining table, taking a seat beside Brendon as Sarah flitted around the kitchen making the coffee she knew was Gerard's favorite. Also one of the most consoling inventions ever made, often made for him during times of distress.

"Did things end with Evelyn?" Brendon asked.

Gerard sighed and shook his head. "No, but things will. I just know she isn't what I want, even if I believed it for a few seconds. I thought I could fall for her, I didn't get tired of her right away the way I do with everyone else, but it turns out she isn't a special case anymore."

"Did you at least give it a shot? Taking her out, acting like a couple."

"I did and I hated it." Gerard leaned his elbows on the table, gripping the sides of his hair in frustration. "I think I told myself so many times that she was good for me that I made myself believe it, but the truth lead me to not wanting this with her. I don't want anything else, either. I don't want sex, I woke up not wanting to take anything, my head is all kinds of fucked up."

"Well, maybe you're just due for a change, sweetie." Sarah piped in as she waited for the coffee to brew. "You're young, you aren't quite done maturing yet. Brendon just turned thirty and he barely began to reach full maturity."

"Hey." Brendon frowned, but his wife only giggled and turned away to retrieve the creamer from the fridge. The sound of hurt in Brendon's voice in contrast to Sarah's teasing atmosphere almost made Gerard chuckle, but it faltered in his throat and came out as a shaky breath.

"It isn't that." Gerard whispered. He knew very well what the problem was, what was swaying him so far off beat that he felt odd living in his own skin. If he looked deeply into himself, he could feel the lingering craving for alcohol, the slight tremble in his fingers from not taking any form of drugs in a little less than twenty four hours. But all of it was buried and his mind focused on the painful ache sitting heavy in his chest, squeezing like a vise whenever his minds fluttered back to memories of last night beginning to become clearer as the alcohol left his system.

"Then what could it be?" Brendon's eyebrows creased.

Gerard glanced at his, his expression crumbling all over again. He wrapped his arms around his midriff when the pain became so intense he worried he was going to fall to pieces, his skin breaking open and his insides tumbling out. Admitting it out loud while sober would shatter the last collected pieces of himself, but holding it inside tore him up more than anything, a silent killer. Two adult waited for his answer until he determined it had been long enough that he went without explaining.

"I'm falling in love with Frank."

In the background, Sarah gasped softly. Brendon's eyes widened and he fell into a silent state of shock. Gerard's eyes watered at the aching in his chest that he just wanted to go away and never return, he didn't ask for any of this. Some might say love was a blessing, but in this case, it was a curse set out to destroy everything he built. There had to be some sort of logical explanation for these emotions, it just couldn't be love. Gerard couldn't afford having the weight of it making itself comfortable in his heart that grew so small during his time feeling nothing but coldness, anger and fear.

"Gerard, you - I thought you didn't want to fall in love?" Brendon looked confused.

"Yeah, no shit." Gerard folded his arms and the table and laid his head down on top of them to keep the sunlight and Brendon's eyes away from his face. He wanted to drown in his own misery just to get this over with, fight off the feeling forever. He saw Frank when he closed his eyes, the man's warm hazel eyes and his soft lips curling into that fond smile he always flashed at Gerard. For a moment, looking at that smile, Gerard might have been fooled that Frank felt something more towards him, but he made it abundantly clear last night that he didn't feel anything near romantic.

"Oh, sweetheart, that isn't so bad." Sarah's voice was suddenly much closer than it was before. He lifted his head to see her standing beside him, setting a steaming cup of her special coffee in front of his folded arms. The whipped cream was a perfect swirled topping with rainbow sprinkles and cinnamon on top, no doubt the coffee tasted like a perfect blend of hazelnut and espresso.

"Thank you." He mumbled towards her and she patted his back with a gentle touch. He drew the coffee in towards him, thawing his cold hands against the warm white mug. "To me it's bad, I told myself falling in love was out of the question for the type of life I have. I was so stupidly drunk last night that I told him in a very aggressive way, and of course, he doesn't feel the same way. That's just my luck, isn't it?"

"Gerard, that man looks at you like a blind man seeing the sun for the first time." Brendon quirked an eyebrow and Sarah nodded as she took a seat beside him.

"Poetic." Gerard rolled his eyes. He winced at the throbbing behind them when he did that small action.

"I think he's just trying to stay professional. Who wouldn't love you?" Sarah raised her thin eyebrows.

Plenty of people, Gerard was sure of it. He had no reply.

"If you love him, then why are you still with Evelyn?"

He hesitated before answering. "I thought . . . I thought she would spark some jealousy in Frank. It's only fair, he's seeing some woman named Marina and he's not shy to gloat about her." Gerard wanted to gag at her name. What a lucky woman she was, Gerard would bet money that she had the opportunity to see Frank naked, and she could kiss him whenever she pleased. He took a sip of his coffee and tried to keep his eyes from watering again.

"What did he say to you after you confessed that left you so crushed?" Brendon asked.

"Some bullshit about me deserving better. As if he knows what's best for me. And he doesn't want to ruin our professional relationship with a personal one."

"That's logical, honey. But he didn't exactly say he doesn't return your feelings." Sarah pointed out. Her point made Gerard's heart jolt in his chest - unless it was the caffeine he drank that was making it beat one thousand miles per minute. He wrapped his hands tightly around his coffee mug and let his hopes fall back down when they were rising upwards, knowing holding hope would only lead him to be crushed entirely by rejection. It was getting ridiculous, how much he allowed this to affect him. He was supposed to be indestructible and apathetic, this wasn't how he was meant to be.

"It's too soon." Gerard shook his head wildly. "Maybe I'm not in love with him, who am _I_ to know anything about love? It's probably just some type of lust and I only want him more because I can't have him. I haven't even known him for long, it's way too soon for this."

"Well, love doesn't have a time slot. I fell in love with Sarah the day I met her. Look at us now." Brendon said softly. His wife smiled warmly at him, her large eyes sparkling as she gazed at him with a fondness that made Gerard's chest hurt. They intertwined their fingers and exchanged a look they shared at their wedding, Gerard remembered seeing it and wondering how anyone could be so lucky to have someone look at them that way. Did he look at Frank like he was the sun and the moon combined? That was how Brendon looked at Sarah, and how she looked at him to return his telepathic sentiment.

Gerard looked down into his mug in a moment of silence. His head was a mess, tangled with feelings of doubt and questions swirling round until he was seeing stars in his vision. He never felt anything so real before. In fact, it was the most he felt in a long time of learning to keep everything hidden away even from his own self. Frank triggered something in him, it made the person Gerard tried to bury rise to the surface and wrap its needy arms around Frank in a clinging manner. He was like a hand held out to him in the darkness. No one ever cared so much about him, no one else was there to hold his hair and rub his back when he was miserably hunched over a bucket heaving his guts out. He closed his eyes and faintly remembered a sweet kiss, the softest one he'd ever delivered. One Frank pulled away from.

"I don't know how to love." Gerard whispered. A tear drop dripped from his cheek and landed on the side of the mug, trickling down slowly until it landed on the table.

"There's no written way to love. Just do what your heart wants you to do because that's the only part of us that has pure intentions." Sarah reached across the table, brushing her knuckles against the back of Gerard's hand in a comforting gesture. Gerard swallowed thickly, tears freely leaking from his eyes. He felt them sliding down his face and somehow, they told him exactly what he needed to do.

Gerard took out his phone from his pocket and opened up his contacts. Scrolling, he found the person he was getting ahold of, pressing the call option for them and holding the phone against his ear. Brendon and Sarah looked puzzled, but Gerard only nodded at them and closed his eyes.

"Gerard. Hey." Evelyn answered in her usual soft toned voice. Gerard inhaled shakily through his nose.

"Good morning, Evelyn." He said. Understanding flashed across Brendon's face.

"Are you alright? You were very drunk last night."

"I'm fine, no where near as bad as I expected. No need to worry."

"Well, what's up?" She sounded slightly hesitant.

"I just . . ." Gerard licked his lips, running a hand through his hair. "I'm so sorry, but I called to end things between us. You're such a good person, I will never doubt that, and I'm really not. That's not an excuse, you deserve more than a shitty breakup over the phone, but everything's so fucked up right now, I needed to do this now or else we'd both grow miserable. I'm not . . . faithful. I think you know that."

Evelyn was quiet for a moment. He could hear her soft breathing, and he knew she was still there. Just slowly processing, and he didn't want to think he was putting her through what Frank put him through. He was beginning to feel regret building high in him, so deeply that he only slightly wished he wasn't sober enough to feel a rush of emotion spiking through his ribs, overgrowing like the thorny stems of roses minus the sweetness of petals.

"I expected this." She sighed softly. "I know, Gerard. It's okay, what we had was fun and it had to end eventually. I can't tell you that I haven't been thinking this would be for the best."

Gerard breathed out a puff of air of relief, nodding to himself. "Thank you for taking it well. I didn't meant to disappoint you."

"Mhm. You didn't disappoint me, Gerard, I'm proud of you for being able to say this sort of thing." He could hear the smile in her voice, which confused him for a second. "You know, Frank looks at you the same way you look at him. Go get him, tiger."

She ended the call before Gerard had a chance to react to her. Although, he felt his face flush with shock, not expecting such a statement to come from her. She sounded light, like she truly believed what she was saying instead of speaking the words with a bitter underlining of a woman whose heart had just been broken. He looked at his blank phone screen, blinking slowly.

"You did the right thing." Brendon patted his upper back, smiling at him the way a proud father would smile at his son.

Gerard's lips felt stiff. "Does Frank really look at me the way you all say he does?"

The couple beside him exchanged a knowing look and nodded. "I think everyone besides you knows he does."

 

 

Gerard returned to the house eventually. He couldn't hide away from his own home forever and be a coward by hiding from the person he needed to face. He wanted to accept his fate and the only way he could do that was by looking him in the eyes and looking for a future in them. If all he saw was the color hazel and nothing else, then Gerard would walk away and learn to move on from this. Sarah gave him a sweet kiss on the cheek and a hug before he left. Brendon gave him a hug, but he also wished him luck, knowing Frank would be there when Gerard returned. The entire ride back home, Gerard was quietly driving, his mind oddly blank after he made a decision of what he was going to do. It was passing sunset by now, he spent the day at Brendon and Sarah's place to reel himself in or else he'd go insane. He was glad he decided to visit them instead of facing this on his own. He was too used to bottling things up. Something was changing, but he didn't have the time or energy to be afraid of it now. He thought the fear would surface at night, but he always had a few friends in a drawer to calm him down. Somehow, the thought wasn't as comforting as it would have been yesterday, further contorting his thoughts into an unrecognizable jumble.

Parking in front of the house, Gerard checked his makeup in the mirror. Smudged, sloppy, done by a shaky hand, but thankfully his cheeks weren't caked with dark tinted tear tracks as they would if he wasn't careful with his choice of cosmetics. He wiped it all off with a pack of makeup wipes he kept in the middle compartment of the car, looking at himself in the mirror. His porcelain skin was pale with only a bit of flush on his cheekbones. His face was always round, but his cheeks were getting more hollow and his chin was developing a point. His lashes were still wet from tears, framing his faded emerald irises, creating beautiful and wide almond shaped eyes. He spent so long having leftover makeup on his face or a new caked on face, he forgot how lovely he was without any of it. He looked younger, but more innocent, and he hated that when he knew there couldn't possibly be another shred of innocence left inside him with the life he lived through. Nonetheless, he reapplied nothing. Gerard stepped out of the car, went to the front door, and shakily unlocked it.

When the door opened and he stepped inside, he looked up and saw Frank barely at the bottom step of the stairs. He meant to make his way up, but when he heard Gerard enter, he slowly whirled around, his large doe eyes landing on the model standing in front of the shut door. Hazel irises, warm and full of everything Gerard didn't have. They were shocked, indicating that he hadn't expected Gerard to come back. He didn't think he'd return so soon, either. if there was a part of him that expected the model's eventual return. The normal Gerard would run away with a man or woman, fucked his frustration out, drinking until he couldn't remember what he was staying away from and then he'd stumble home only to pay the consequence for misbehaving later. Frank would catch his fall. Gerard shouldn't be dependent on that, but he was.

"You're back." Frank observed softly. It would take a deaf man to not hear the relief in his voice. Gerard's hands were shaking at the sound of it.

"Yeah, I just went to Brendon's house. I had a talk with him and Sarah. His wife." Gerard tried to speak smoothly, but he sounded pathetically small. He shrugged off his jacket and hung it up on the coat hanger, feeling weirdly naked without it. He was only wearing a tank top underneath. He wasn't used to caring about being exposed and he shoved away frustration over that, feeling how the cool air inside grazed his bare arms.

"I got worried. I called you a few times, I saw you leave." Frank bit his lip.

Gerard's eyes furrowed in confusion. He pulled out his phone and, yes, Frank called him three times. He must have not seen it when he was on the phone with Evelyn. "Oh, I'm sorry."

"At least I know you were safe." Frank smiled softly, but sadness twinkled in his eyes. Buried underneath the sparkle was guilt. Gerard's stomach plummeted hideously. He needed to tell Frank what happened, relieve some of the awkward tension worsening the ache never leaving his chest. He supposed he would need to get used to it living inside him or else he'd be on the verge of breaking down until the moment he moved on from Frank Iero. That day seemed so distant as he sensed Frank's eyes on him and knew that he cared enough to worry about his unexpected absence.

"Well, I . . . I ended things with Evelyn. Nicely, as you advised me to, and she took it really well. I think she'll be okay." He left out the part where she told him to go to Frank. Frank didn't need to know about that.

"That's good, that she took it well." Frank nodded, running his fingers through his dark hair. "I'm glad you did the right thing. I didn't think you'd listen to me."

Gerard smiled, which was odd because he didn't find any of this funny. It was an instinct to rid some of the sadness in himself. "I did. Drunk Gerard is hard to crack, but I'm more understanding when I'm sober, I guess."

Frank nodded and forced a smile of his own. They both ran out of words to say and the air was filled with tension once more - not that it ever ceased. It became thicker, bringing a spike of anxiety into Gerard's gut. He stared at Frank, running his eyes all over his face. His soft lips, smooth skin, the curve of his button nose, the bit of stubble growing at his jaw. His eyelashes batting together when he blinked. He looked into his eyes for his answer. Frank gazed back, and when he did, Gerard felt understanding fill him instantly. Understanding that a large part of him wanted to keep looking into those big kind eyes for decades, maybe more. How would he live without them? They were tunnels into sanity for someone as desperately alone as Gerard. His stomach bubbled with something new in the place of anxiety. It was warm, fluttering, filling him up. He swallowed hard and his feet carried him to the man still standing at the foot of the stairs.

When he was close enough, he wrapped his arms around Frank, slowly lowering his head so his cheek was pressed against the latter's warm neck and he could feel it when he gulped. Frank winded his arms around Gerard's waist hesitantly, but they became stronger when they came in contact with his body. He was warm and safe and he felt just like the home he never had. Gerard was in love with it, with _him_. Call him a fool for falling so quickly and dangerously, but nothing could ever change his mind about this, the epiphany drawing a conclusion, and everything made sense at last.

"I know how you feel, but I just want to thank you for taking care of my heart. It's not the way I expected you to, but it means the entire world to me, Frank." Gerard whispered against his skin. His eyes filled with tears for the hundredth time that day, hot and pressing into his lashes like stamps. Frank's hand shakily traveled up his back, his warm palm pressing against the naked section of his skin where the tank top didn't cover it. He heard him take in a deep breath, then let it out, sounding just as shaky as his hand felt.

"You're the only person I've ever wanted to protect." Frank held Gerard just a fraction tighter. Gerard squeezed his eyes shut and nodded, stifling a soft sob. Although he was more than sure Frank felt the warmth of his wet tears falling onto his neck.

They pulled away slowly, but with their arms still remained wrapped around each other. Gerard smiled through his tears at Frank who stared at those teardrops as they fell. Gerard laughed shakily, wiping them away and sniffling. He must have looked like an idiot, crying in front of Frank in a mixture of heartbreak and warm acceptance. Through his haze of tears, he could see Frank looked more serious than ever, his eyes drinking in the sight of Gerard's completely naked and fresh face.

His hand lifted, fingers ever so gently brushing against Gerard's wet cheekbone. The warmth shot straight into his bones, ricocheting through his entire being. He froze under Frank's tender touche. He was met with a look in Frank's eyes he caught a glimpse of before, but was never able to identify. Slowly, he realized this was the look three people told him about. The look of a blind man seeing the sun for the first time, the way Gerard looked at him. It hurt so badly knowing this wouldn't last, that everything happening in the present would soon become just another moment between them hardening temptation until it would eventually become too difficult to resist. Gerard's breath caught, his eyes flickering down towards Frank's slightly parted lips without his permission. He wanted to whimper as longing filled him up straight away, wanting the warm, soft press of pink lips pressing against his own. He shouldn't want it, neither of them should, but Frank's eyes were falling to Gerard's lips in return, and they gravitated towards each other.

It didn't matter now, especially not when Frank closed the gap between them and kissed Gerard with as much tenderness as his touch held.


	16. The Point of No Return

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Boundaries are incapable of staying devoted to when everything you need lies beyond them.

Frank wasn't sure what he was doing. Some part of him knew exactly how to move, the meaning behind all of this, but his brain was shut down and the only thing working inside his body was his heart. His pounding, irrational heart betraying all things logical he spent all night losing sleep over. It was like he built this large castle around himself only to knock every single brick down because he couldn't control himself. Not his hands, not his lips, not his body. It all craved what he couldn't and shouldn't have, seeking to claim it and fill all of the aching fissures overgrown inside him. It hurt so badly to feed it in the beginning, breaking his heart like it was nothing but a pitiful pulp of glass. But Gerard was soft. He was warm, sweets on a summer day, he wasn't stiff with any armor when Frank held him at his most vulnerable point. Frank couldn't help himself, he couldn't keep himself hardened with restraint the moment Gerard's soft lips returned his kiss. Gerard stood encircled in his arms, his heart wide open for Frank to take a peek into, and he wasn't able to stop himself from emerging himself in it and wrapping his figure in the welcoming arms of it. He knew the model loved him, he felt it and saw it for himself, and something overcame him in those moments.

Frank kissed Gerard's velvety lips, feeling the natural texture of them without the interruption of any type of cosmetic. His skin was the same, smooth and cold from the winter outside, his hair a tangled mess when Frank slipped one of his hands behind his head and knitted his fingers into it. Gerard pressed his lips eagerly against Frank's in return, arms wrapping around his neck and pulling him closer. The kiss started out as soft, but soon became something more once they registered the heat and the slight slickness building when their lips parted ever so slightly to make movement. Frank shouldn't have enjoyed this, he shouldn't have wanted more, but he did. The most heavenly feeling seemed to lift him off his feet and he winded his arms around Gerard's waist, pressing him against his chest and opening their lips. Gerard gasped softly, a puff of air into Frank's mouth. He brushed his tongue against his bottom lip until both of their tongues met halfway, slowly sliding together the longer they kissed. It was wet, hot, sparking dangerous fire in places Frank felt familiar with whenever he had experiences with Gerard this way. Not only in those moments, but when he was on set with the model and watching how Gerard's fingers dragged along his bared thighs for the cameras, how he arched his back and threaded his fingers through his hair with glossed lips and dramatic lashes, revealing gowns showing the white flesh everyone was hypnotized by. It was impossible not to lust after him. But Frank feared it wasn't only lust chaining his wrists to Gerard.

Frank had no words or excuses for the events taking place next. All he knew was there was a blinding tangle of passion in the locking of their lips and tongues, their hands tugging at one another's hair until Frank was pressing the model against the wall beside the staircase, kissing him until none of them had a breath left to spare. He could feel how Gerard's breath hitched when his back hit the wall, his legs automatically parted, and it almost made him moan. He kissed the clear skin at Gerard's jaw, his smooth and pale neck, just listening to how he gasped and whined underneath the touch of his lips. None of it was artificial, not like the sounds he heard through the wall at night. He was breathless, frantically grasping at the fabric of Frank's shirt and sliding his hands underneath it. The touch of Gerard's cool hands against Frank's warm skin left him shuddering, his body rolling against Gerard's. The model threw his head back, fingers tangling into Frank's hair.

"Frank." Gerard breathed, his voice trembling.

Frank responded by kissing him again on his open lips, sliding his tongue inside, and Gerard's knees buckled from the contact.

He wasn't sure how they made it up the stairs. Somehow, they managed to tumble up all the steps without tripping or falling, still touching each other, panting through their parted lips when desire clouded over their sense of restraint. Once at the top, they shoved open Gerard's bedroom door, not bothering with switching on the light when they kissed heatedly in a flurry of lips and tongue. Gerard was desperate, but his touch was never rough. Frank was the same, pulling the bottom of Gerard's tank top out from the high waistband of his skirt to tuck his hands underneath the thin material. Gerard's skin was hot against Frank's palms, silky smooth, and he could feel every breath he took in, the bone slightly protruding from under his skin. He dragged his fingers over the contours of his ribs, almost sad to feel them under his skin. Gerard tugged at the bottom of Frank's shirt with a whine. Frank pulled away from the kiss with a soft wet noise and lifted his arms, allowing Gerard to yank the fabric away from his body. He discarded it and dove for Gerard's tank top, rolling up the fabric until Gerard was lifting his arms and the thin material was over his head, falling onto the floor.

"You're so beautiful." Frank whispered, drinking in the sight of perfect pale skin under the glow of the fading sunlight, falling onto the soft curves shaped from pretty skin and bone. Gerard drew Frank close, their lips close to touching but never meeting. They panted against their parted mouths as Gerard laid his hands on Frank's chest, slowly caressing his tattooed skin, and it felt like heaven to Frank. His breath caught, hands going to Gerard's waist and the tips of his fingers dug into the flesh lightly. Gerard's finger pressed against the area where Frank's heart was beating abnormally fast. Slowly, he drew the shape of a heart there, his finger dragging along the sensitive skin, lips brushing against Frank's. The notion made Frank fall in love with him. Not that he hadn't been in it already, but it nailed into his head permanently and there was no shaking it off after this.

"You're beautiful, too." Gerard cupped Frank's face, kissing him deeply despite the protest Frank made in a small noise, plucking his denial right from his lips. "So beautiful, Frank, I want you to fuck me so badly."

Frank moaned softly, his hands gliding along Gerard's waist, and his eyes pleaded for the model to show him what they were meant to do next.

"I want you over here." Gerard whispered and tucked his fingers into the waistband of Frank's jeans. Frank followed Gerard as he backed up all the way until the backs of the model's knees were hitting the side of the bed. He fell gracefully onto it, bending his legs and spreading them wide open as he crawled back onto the center of it. Pure hunger sprouted inside Frank when he glanced between Gerard's open legs, seeing the silk and lace underneath the leather skirt and his smooth pale thighs all on show.

Frank practically dove onto the bed, crawling on his knees in between Gerard's legs and pressing his hand against his chest to get the latter to lay flat on his back. Frank went down with him, his lips going for the delicate skin at his neck. He pressed hot, open mouthed kisses against it, his tongue peeking out and slowly dragging down to the top of his clavicle. Gerard sighed in contentment, threading his fingers into Frank's hair and spreading his legs wider the lower Frank went with his mouth. Gerard tasted sweet, his skin was flawless under the sensual licks and kisses Frank scattered amongst his body. HIs tongue swept over his rosy nipple, taking it into his mouth and lightly scraping his teeth against it.

"Fuck." Gerard hissed softly, fingers twisting where they braided into Frank's hair. His body arched at the sensation, his breathing becoming heavier as Frank trailed lower down his body until his lips brushed against the waist of his leather skirt. Frank rubbed his hands over Gerard's thighs, glancing up at the latter during a slight pause. Gerard's rosy lips were parted and his face was flushed, eyes shut tightly in anticipation for the next move. Frank grabbed the model's smooth thighs and spread them far apart enough for him to fit between them, hiking the skirt up, and he dived in between his legs to kiss and tease the insides of his thighs. Gerard whimpered loudly, beginning to writhe with arousal on the bed. Frank moaned as he ran his tongue along the inside of Gerard's thigh, parting his lips and sinking his teeth lightly into the sensitive flesh. Gerard gave a little yelp, shuddering.

"Do that again." He breathed out to Frank's surprise. He had no will to deny him, so he brought his mouth to the other thigh, kissing and sucking and biting down on the white skin until it turned an angry red from the nipping. Gerard moaned loudly, his hand slowly snaking down his body until it landed over his bulge covered by the bunched up material of his skirt. He rubbed slowly with the heel of his palm, whining at his own touch, and Frank was momentarily hypnotized. Gerard rocked into his hand, squeezing himself much to his own pleasure, and his fingers from his other hand skated across his lips until he parted them and sucked on two of them, wet lips sliding hotly over the pale digits.

"God, _yeah_." Frank choked out at the sight. Gerard was breathlessly moaning, now opening his eyes slightly at looking at Frank through his long eyelashes. Seductive, too tempting to pass by. Frank wanted him all, he wanted his lips and his skin and his noises and mostly, his sex. He was as beautiful as an old portrait of an angel draped nude across a bed of velvet, covered by little to nothing, pale and glorious. Frank moaned, moving up to kiss Gerard. Gerard immediately kissed back, his tongue coming out to tease Frank's. Frank shoved his tongue into his mouth, his hand gliding down the model's smooth torso and further until he found his working hand. He laid his hand firmly over Gerard's, the one touching himself, and guided it over his cock. Harder, but slower, prolonging the pleasure. Gerard moaned into Frank's mouth and his lips went slack, rolling his hips up. He was desperate for more, Frank could feel it in the way he swayed his hips and pressed upwards towards their hands, but Frank wanted to make everything last. He laced his fingers with Gerard's and released his lips from the kiss to stare into his half-shut eyes. The model whined in frustration, his lashes fluttering and his shiny lips hanging open as he moaned, and Frank began to guide his hand faster over his underwear.

"Don't make me come like this." Gerard whimpered, blowing air out of his mouth.

"You think you could come just from that?" Frank felt incredibly aroused by that fact, pressing their hands down harder.

Gerard gasped loudly, his eyes widening, and his hips arched off the bed. "Yes, dammit, don't do it!"

Pulling away after a moment of helping Gerard, he removed his hand from the model's and started tugging the skirt down, along with the black lace underwear he wore underneath. Gerard lifted his hips and wriggled out of the leather and lace, letting it fall to his ankles where he kicked it off along with his shoes. He was left in sheer high thighs and he was beginning to roll the material down to take them off. He kissed Gerard's neck as he undid his belt, the button of his jeans and the zipper, tugging off the rest of his clothes so Gerard wouldn't be the only one fully exposed. The second they were both naked, Gerard rolled them over so he straddled Frank's waist. He began leaving wet hot kisses over Frank's chest, his tongue smoothing over his skin. It felt better than Frank imagined to have his mouth wandering over his body. His tongue and teeth were not shy, they insisted on leaving little marks all over his torso. Frank was achingly hard, the kisses and bites causing precome to bead at his tip. Gerard's tongue traced the tattoos on his hips, lips leaving little kisses, his hands stroking his skin endlessly like he was afraid Frank would disappear if he didn't keep touching him.

Finally, Gerard's soft lips met the tip of Frank's cock. The tip was red and swollen, his entire length throbbing with arousal, and the touch of the model's mouth sent a shockwave of pleasure up Frank's spine, ending in tingles in his skull.

"Please, let me suck you." Gerard panted, nuzzling Frank's cock. "I've wanted to for so long."

"Fuck, yes." Frank breathed out, nodding as he stroked Gerard's cheek.

Gerard moaned softly, opening his mouth and lowering his head. He sucked Frank's tip into his mouth, lips wrapping around the head and immediately lowering without an interruption. Frank swore loudly at the wet heat surrounding him, the skilled tongue lapping at him. Pleasure crashed into him quickly, waves rocking through his lower body and all the way up in the form of a flush in his cheeks and neck. He shallowly thrust up into Gerard's mouth, not too far so he wouldn't hurt him. Gerard moaned around him and Frank gasped sharply at the sensation. Gerard wrapped his fingers around the small section he couldn't take in all the way, bobbing his head up and down and sucking like he truly enjoyed this. He did, Frank could tell from his sounds and the way his tongue swirled around him like his taste was the most amazing thing to ever enter his mouth. He was talented at this, so good that it felt like he was sucking the life out of Frank. He couldn't hold back any of his noises, couldn't keep his hips still, his cock twitching from the sucking noises and the moans coming from the gorgeous man sucking him off. It was getting too good after a long moment, a sign that Frank needed to stop or else he would end up coming inside the heavenly mouth wrapped around him.

Frank pulled out of Gerard's mouth, ignoring his little whine of disappointment. He flipped them over, settling in between Gerard's legs and wrapping his hand around his length. He was thick, longer than Frank by at least part of an inch, but he found it to be beautiful. He was perfect, hard and flushed from his arousal. Gerard moaned in surprise and arched into the touch. Frank used the precome collecting at his tip to jack him, spreading it over his throbbing dick. Gerard kissed him heatedly, fucking into his hand, panting and whimpering against his lips. Frank gently bit the latter's lower lip and pushed them towards the top of the bed.

"Do you have . . .?" Frank gestured to their naked lower halves. Gerard nodded and Frank removed his hand from Gerard's dick. He leaned over and slid open the drawer beside the bed, pulling out a box of condoms and a bottle of lube. Frank reached for them, sliding out a condom and placing the lube beside them. Gerard shoved the box away into the drawer and draped his naked body over the pillows, opening his legs and watching Frank roll the condom over himself. Frank groaned softly at his own hand's touch, stroking himself thrice. Gerard placed lube onto his own fingers with a starving look in his eyes as he watched Frank. He reached in between his legs, lifting his hips until his fingertips slid over his hole. Frank's breath caught at the side, his hand slowing. Gerard rubbed his finger around his rim, his breath coming out in short puffs, pressing against it until it sank in slowly. He threw his head back with a moan and Frank was overcome with a great swell of arousal.

He made his way over to Gerard, cupping the side of his face and kissing his lips. He swallowed his moans, knowing Gerard was beginning to pump his finger inside himself and slide the other in. Frank encouraged Gerard by wrapping his fingers around the latter's wrist in between his legs, pumping his hand at a quicker pace. He released in the noises the model made, the gentle arching of his pale body when his, now three, fingers found his prostate, continuously rubbing against the sensitive spot. Frank stroked Gerard's smooth bottom lip with the tip of his tongue. Pulling out Gerard's fingers, he settled in between his legs, smoothly replacing his digits with his cock. Gerard gasped out, the sound melting into a choked moan as Frank began to slowly fill him up. Frank groaned and grasped Gerard's thighs tightly, the latter's walls squeezing around him like a warm, welcoming embrace. Pleasure swirled through him at a dizzying pace and he dug his fingers into the flesh of Gerard's thighs. He wrapped the model's legs around him and bottomed out, leaning over him and nuzzling his face into his neck. Gerard giggled suddenly at the feeling it gave him, making Frank smile, but the giggle dissolved as Frank began to slowly pull out just a bit before pushing back in. Gerard panted heavily, wrapping his entire self around Frank, lips finding his skin and pressing soft kisses against it.

"You don't have to be so gentle, I've done this a lot of times before." Gerard breathed next to Frank's ear and kissed the shell of it. Frank shuddered and nodded. He shut his eyes tightly, lips brushing against Gerard's silky pale neck, pulling his cock out and gliding back in with more force. Gerard inhaled sharply, nails digging into Frank's back as he pulled him impossibly closer. Frank sighed in a long drag to express his bliss, beginning to find a rhythm that would satisfy them both. He knew he didn't have to be so careful with Gerard, but he couldn't help but savor every single thrust he made inside the model's heat, press the tip of his cock against his prostate just to see what noises he would make next. His sounds sent a thrill through Frank every single time he made one, and for more than a handful of fleeting moments, he never wanted this to end.

It wasn't the first time Frank had a sex with a man, but it was the first time he would remember it when he was finished. Even if his memory of all the others were dim, nothing would ever match the feeling of having sex with someone you cared about, someone whose spell you fell under since the first day you met them. Frank hadn't realized how full his heart was when it came to Gerard, the reason why he felt so protective and sympathetic over him. Nothing was going to hurt him when he was in Frank's arms, not when he could give him everything he needed with a simple touch of his lips.

Frank moved faster, his skin slapping against Gerard's louder than it had before. When he quickened the pace, Gerard's legs tightly squeezed around his lips, ankles crossing, his hands tangling into Frank's hair as he moaned through his never ending string of gasps and heavy breaths. Frank let his sounds out against Gerard's bare skin, rocking his hips as an instinct at this point. The deeper he drove in, the more real everything felt, his skin flushing with lust. His body tingled in the most marvelous way, Gerard's skin rubbing against his where it was pressed to his body. The latter was melting underneath him, meeting his strokes impatiently.

"Harder, please." Gerard choked out, tilting his head back with his red hair spilling over the pillow underneath it. Frank nodded, panting through open lips. He tightly grasped Gerard's hips, trailing his palms across them until they reached the curve of his thighs. His fingers wrapped around them, not quite being able to completely grasp the plump flesh. He looked into Gerard's dazed eyes and lifted the model's legs, pulling out only to slam back inside of him. Gerard cried out loudly, his entire face scrunching into an expression of pure pleasure. Frank held his legs firmly, beginning to move his hips erratically, moaning lowly at the heat flushing his skin and radiating in his bones.

"Frank, oh my god," Gerard whimpered, reaching for him. Frank met him halfway and kissed him hard, their lips moving together in sync despite the interruption of their moans and harsh breaths. Gerard did his best to rock his hips up and meet all of Frank's movements, but he was a writhing, sweating mess under Frank's hard thrusts. He pounded into the model, keeping Gerard's legs raised so the angle would be deep enough to batter his prostate with each shove inside him. Gerard was shaking, flushed and noisy, his pale skin sticking to Frank's and turning red where they rubbed against one another. His mouth was warm, the inside of him was hot and slick with lube, his skin was the softest Frank had ever felt. The sheets under them were wrinkled and the room suddenly felt like it dissolved around them, everything ceasing to exist when they connected this way. 

Frank kissed Gerard's neck with swollen lips, moaning into his warm skin, careful not to leave marks or else he would taint the flesh meant to be on display for others. Skimming his hand down the latter's flat stomach, he traveled lower and lower until he found the rapidly leaking head of Gerard's hard cock. He wrapped his hand around the slick length and started to jack it quickly, his thumb swirling around the tip and pressing down on the wet slit. Gerard fucked into his hand, his noises spilling out of his pink lips endlessly. He was beautiful to watch when he was getting fucked. His blushing skin, swollen lips, wide olive green eyes and large pupils, he was a vision everyone wished they could have in their bed. Frank groaned out loud, pounding faster, chasing the spiral of heat quickly pooling in his lower stomach.

"I'm so fucking close." Frank breathed, his body shuddering as he balanced on the brink of an orgasm, Gerard nodded quickly, still fucking into Frank's hand, encouraging him to come even if he wasn't quite there yet. It was hard for Frank to control himself when he didn't have sex often, especially when there was a gorgeous model underneath his body, begging for him to come. Frank squeezed his eyes shut, losing his pace and erratically thrusting inside Gerard.

He saw colors behind his lids when he came. He moaned, whined, plunging as deep as he could go. Frank's dick twitched, pulsing, and he came hard inside the condom wrapped around him. Heat crashed over him and the bliss following his orgasm washed over him, flushing his skin, tingling at the back of his skull. He wrapped his arms around Gerard and held him close to his body, listening to the soft whispers of praise the model granted to him in hot puffs of air against his ear. Gerard rolled his hips upwards, squirming, and whined quietly like he wished it all could have lasted for eternity. Frank wished the same as his breath quivered and his thoughts were slurring in his mind. He was breathing heavily and riding out his orgasm, slowing down as Gerard tightened around him. It wasn't until the latter whimpered with the need to come that Frank came back to earth, his cock still buried inside him. He looked down at the desperate and flushed model beneath him, thrusting into Frank's hand that had stopped moving over him.

"I'll make you come." Frank promised deeply, removing his hand and sliding himself out of Gerard, He rolled off the condom and tied it, tossing it into Gerard's trash bin only a few feet away on the ground. Swiftly, he parted Gerard's legs and went in between them, bowing his head and wrapping his lips around Gerard's cock. The model cried out loudly, shuddering, his legs shaking. Frank sucked him hard, savoring the sharp taste, jacking off what he couldn't take into his mouth. He let Gerard fuck his mouth and moan wildly until he made his last few erratic hip twitches and he was coming hot and thick down Frank's throat. Frank didn't like the flavor all too much, but he swallowed nonetheless, sucking Gerard through his intense orgasm until a gentle hand was patting the side of his face to tell him to stop. Frank pulled off with a pop, kissing Gerard's hip softly. He sat up and wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

They flopped back on the bed in a mess of sweaty limbs and rapidly beating hearts. Frank couldn't catch his breath, but he'd never felt better. His mind was in a blissful mindset and he felt relaxed, his bare skin warm against the wrinkled sheets. Gerard was slumped against his pillows, his eyes shut and his lips parted. Frank turned his head and watched his chest heave up and down, his eyes tracing the shape of him in the nearly entirely dark room. His hair was stuck to his face and his skin glistened with a sheen of sweat, his fingers slowly curling and uncurling into the blankets while he reeled. Gerard was beautiful and Frank wished he could kiss him.

The difference between their previous days and right now was the very important fact that Frank was allowed to kiss the model.

Frank turned over onto his side, reaching out to cup the side of Gerard's face. He connected their lips softly, surprised to feel Gerard kiss him back just as gently straight away. Gerard brushed his fingers against Frank's wrist, trailing them upwards for his hand to lay flat on top of Frank's. They pulled away after a moment, noses brushing to together and their eyes slowly opened. Gerard was content, his eyes filled with love when they connected with Frank's. It was overwhelming to have someone so important be in love with you. It was wrong for Frank to want his love, to crave to stand under the shower of it and wrap his arms around the beauty's waist. He wished he could protect Gerard from everything, but that would require protecting Gerard from himself. 

Frank didn't want to think about that. The moment was too perfect to ruin. He kissed Gerard's nose, his cheek, stroking the top of it with the pad of his thumb. Gerard hummed happily, his lips curling into a tiny smile that radiated everything he was feeling inside his heart. Frank's chest expanded, but his body felt light.

"Why did we wait so long to do this?" Gerard asked with a tiny giggle. Frank smiled at the genuine sound.

"We held back." Frank dropped his hand away from Gerard's cheek and placed it on his hip. Gerard shifted, resting on his side so he faced Frank. The dip in his waist deepened and the night sky was taking over behind him, settling a glow onto his pale body. His eyes gleamed in the lack of lighting.

"That was . . . probably the best sex I've ever had." Gerard whispered. Frank could practically hear the blush in his voice, but the stunned silence falling over him kept his mind from concentrating on it.

"This? I'm sure you've had much more experienced people with you before." Frank doubted he was the best Gerard had ever taken to bed. The model had sex plenty of times, sometimes going on a roll for weeks, with both men and women. Frank wasn't terrible at delivering, but he was more than sure he wasn't better than any elite models or high class men Gerard met.

Gerard shook his head, his calf sliding against Frank's. His skin was shaven and smooth, Frank wanted to run his hands all along his legs to feel where it was softest, if it would tickle the model if he pressed his lips to his knees lovingly and traveled to the skin further up towards between his thighs. Gerard drummed his fingers against Frank's chest softly and bit his lip.

"I've never had sex with someone I love. I've never _been_ in love, as a matter of fact, and this was . . . it was everything I wanted and beyond that." He whispered.

Frank could hear his voice tremble. Gerard was still afraid of love, even if he was already in it. Admitting these things must have been so foreign and frightening to him, Frank could see in his eyes that he was uncertain of how to express what he felt. Frank's heart was beating loud in his ears while he thought of a reply. He couldn't quite find an answer to it and it troubled him. Gerard noticed, flashing him a smile that reflected a bit of sadness.

"You don't have to say anything, if that's what you're thinking. I just thought I'd share it." Gerard nodded. He slid his fingers across Frank's collarbone, tracing the roses tattooed on his skin.

Frank knew what he wanted to say, but he was afraid of it. Just like Gerard was, but the model didn't have to fear the things Frank did. The danger of falling in love with the enemy, making love to him in his own bed, making his body writhe and tremble with the intensity of everything they felt for each other coming out while they fucked like animals all through the night. He wanted more, he knew that, but it wasn't only the sex he craved. He wanted more of Gerard - more of his heart, glimpses into his soul, the sight of his lips curling up whenever Frank said something clever. That wasn't only lust, it was stronger than that. But he wasn't allowed to love Gerard. He could feel it, dream about it, lose sleep over it, but pursuing it would only leave them burned in the end. Frank was lost.

Frank wrapped his arms around Gerard and pulled him close against his chest. Gerard made a small sound of surprise at first, but it quickly melted away as Frank kissed the top of his head and tangled their legs together, caring little if they were naked. Gerard sighed softly and settled into Frank, resting his head against his chest. His cheek was warm and Frank was sure his chest was, too.

"I . . ." Frank wanted to say. He choked on the words because they burned him, knowing how much destruction they would cause in the future. He could only know it, feel it, but he promised he'd never express it out loud. He squeezed his eyes shut.

"You're the best I've ever had, too." Frank whispered and forced a smile.

Gerard titled his head back and beamed at Frank like he said the other three words he almost whispered to him. It was enough to see him smile that way, watching the way his eyes brimmed with love instead of tears for once. Frank stroked his cheek, giving him yet another tender kiss. Gerard giggled against his lips and Frank joined in on the contagious sound, their laughter growing as Gerard flipped them over and cuddled into the latter while resting on top of him.

It was easy to pretend for just one night.


	17. Love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Ignorance is bliss.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I kind of rewrote this compared to the original version of the chapter, so if you're here from Wattpad, you might enjoy this version more!

 When Gerard awoke, it was to the sunlight shining warm on his pale skin and filtering over his face. The drapes were drawn open and the sweet warmth of daylight covered his body in a golden glow that felt like a warm embrace to him. His eyes fluttered open and he was surprised to realize he felt fully rested, waking up from a blissful sleep he needed for the longest time. His body felt slightly sore when he stretched out over his sheets, but the feeling was familiar to him. This time, it felt better, and he welcomed the ache in his thighs and his other muscles. No part of him had been handled brutally, nor did he seek to overwhelm himself to become lost in the surging tides of pleasure if only he wouldn't succumb to the too many thoughts he had. He licked his lips, turning over with the silky sheets treating his naked skin well. The feeling of the clean blankets made him hum softly and rub his legs across them, feeling the texture of the bit of stubble sprouting back on his skin. Memories from last night filtered through his mind quickly, a collage of sweetness and pleasure he wished he could just print out and frame to hang up on his walls. He smiled automatically and butterflies filled his stomach, making him feel weightless. He could almost relive the sensations he experienced last night while thinking over each  of the moments he shared with Frank, imagining that it was night again despite the warmth of the morning shining onto his face. Gerard was in love and the remains of having the emotion so alive in him were evident all over his body, his flesh, his insides. He sighed softly, lifting his head and hoping to find Frank there beside him.

Sadly, he was no longer laying next to him, but Gerard could tell he had been earlier. The imprint of his body rumpled the fabric covering the mattress and the sheets were pulled back from where he must have slipped away. Gerard peered around the room and found only his own clothes strewn across the floor. He pouted for a moment, wishing Frank was still there so he could wrap his arms around him and kiss him until he couldn't feel his lips anymore. It was a tinge of longing he wasn't used to. He would often hop e in the morning that his lover through the night wouldn't be sleeping beside him, especially if the memories appeared to him like eyes peering through fogged glass. There would be times where he'd manage to return home before the sun could rise, reside of sex and alcohol lingering all over him until he became sober enough to know he needed to bathe. Gerard rolled over and planted his face into the pillow Frank slept on. It smelled like him, the cologne and the clean scent of the person he loved, and nothing could ever be as comforting as a familiar smell making his heart flutter. He nuzzled the pillow, holding it against him with a smile spreading across his face. He remembered the way Frank kissed him last night, the way his body felt on top of his as their flesh pressed together to exchange heat during their movements of romantic passion. Gerard had hoped he'd receive a confession of his returned feelings, but he couldn't blame the man if he wasn't ready to say it yet. Gerard didn't want to assume things, but thinking of other options would only kill the wonderful vibe buzzing in his bones. He instead thought about how his lips still felt mildly tender, so did his lower body whenever he shifted, and he continued to shuffle in random lapses of time to be reminded that everything occurring last night had been real. Frank was inside him, kissing him, gently pushing him over the brink of something identical to paradise. Gerard's throat almost ached while thinking of the noises he made with every movement between them and he moaned gently just now, a curl of heat brushing through him.

He cuddled with the pillow for a long moment until he craned his neck to check the time. It was well past the early morning, he recalled Frank being an early bird and it must have been the reason why he was absent from the bed. Gerard sighed and decided he should roll out of bed and greet everyone downstairs. He wished he could leisure in bed all day and hope that Frank would return to lay beside him, drawing him into his arms and placing another one of his tender kisses onto his lips. Gerard loved the way Frank's lips felt, how they were soft and warm until they became hot and slick, flushing into a berry red shade glistening whenever they pulled away from each other. Gerard remembered feeling the texture of his bottom lip under his tongue, indicating that his assistant bit his lips often, but everything would smooth over when he kissed him again. Gerard would have liked to touch Frank's lips, to trace the shape of them and feel them moving under his fingers while Frank talked to him about anything. His eyes fluttered imagining it and missing Frank made him want to leave the bed to see him. He bit his lip, an idea popping into his head that gave him enough motivation to peel the covers off of himself and stand up. He rushed to his closet, giggling to himself as the air around him lightened up. He shoved himself into a pair of underwear so he wouldn't be walking around the room completely bare and submerged into his closet to sift through the clothing options he was provided with.

When Gerard was finished, he twirled slowly in front of the full length mirror, looking at himself from every angle he could. He brushed his hair behind his ear, his eyes lingering on his bare face for a moment. He decided to leave his face without a single touch of cosmetics, thinking he felt like he could breathe easier without any of it enhancing his features. His body was covered in a soft blue dress that went to his mid-thigh, showing off the little bite marks left on the insides of them whenever he moved his legs a certain way. The straps were thin and the back was low, the layers of chiffon soft against his smooth skin. A black ribbon tied around the waist of the dress and cascaded down in a tendril of silk, swaying along with his movements. Gerard ran his fingers over the dress, hoping he looked even more beautiful to Frank than he did to himself. For the first time, he didn't mind being beautiful, and he wouldn't be scolded for not wearing any makeup as a person usually would if he attended a photoshoot naturally. It wasn't often felt confident without some sort of unnatural armor, but Frank seemed to admire the look of his fresh face in the evening, and he wondered if allowing himself to be free would make him admire his own self as well.

Gerard expected Frank to be downstairs, chattering with the staff at their working station, or alone and working on music, perhaps taking on different miscellaneous tasks making him that much more charming no matter how small it would be. This was normal, but to Gerard's surprise, he heard Frank talking in the other room. The door was open, meaning the phone call couldn't have been so private or else he would have shut it. Gerard could hear pacing coming from inside, Frank murmuring in a distressed tone of voice. Gerard's eyebrows furrowed and he quietly walked towards the doorway. He only peeked in a bit, half of his face getting past the doorframe out of hesitation. He found Frank fully dressed and his hair was wet from a recent shower. Gerard could smell the cologne and the scent of his familiar body wash, causing the corners of his lips to lift. His hand brushed against the doorframe and he noticed he was incredibly shaky. He knew the reason why and it brought his thoughts to a brief, cold pause, but he refused to pay attention to it or it would distract him from the scene going on beyond the doors he stood in front of.

"I just can't keep doing this." Frank said into the phone, his voice breaking. "I can't, I know you trusted me with this, but I broke. I gave in. I wasn't supposed to care, but I do, and it's killing me."

Gerard was filled with confusion at the words Frank was speaking and he wondered who he was on the phone with. The person took their turn to speak and Frank raked his hand through his hair.

"I know it's an interference. But he . . . he loves me. He told me. How could I ever pretend he never said that?" Frank spoke the last sentence quietly, like he was afraid to speak it out loud. A shock went down Gerard's spine when he realized Frank was talking about him. It was beyond Gerard what Frank could have possibly meant when he mentioned something going on between them was an interference, it made him lean closer to the door with a breath stuck in his throat.

"I don't want to answer that. All I know is this can't happen when he feels this way about me. I can't do it." Frank gripped the edge of his nightstand and the poor man's hands were visibly trembling. Gerard bit his lip, but he didn't want to intervene when Frank was having a serious conversation with this mystery person. Gerard was growing more worried by the second, panicking for a moment when he was telling someone about emotions Gerard wasn't quite ready to let out into the public yet. He would never be ashamed over what he felt, but the newness of it left him unprepared to organize everything on such short notice. He didn't know how true Frank's emotions were, either, no matter how much he hoped sex was an answer to everything he needed to know.

"I can't, Marina, what will he think?" Frank sounded startled.

Gerard frowned when the name of the person was revealed. Suddenly, everything Frank was saying made much more sense to him. He'd forgotten about the woman Frank was seeing in a more private manner and for a moment, he felt a sliver of guilt pass through him knowing he'd slept with the man this woman may or may not also have been in love with. But it also must have meant that Frank couldn't deny his attraction to Gerard, his feelings for Marina didn't run deep enough for him to restrain himself from falling into their moment and not being tempted to stop it. It hadn't all started as a sensual exchange of kisses, the vulnerable state of Gerard in the moment should have turned the man away if he was faithful as he thought he was to the woman beside him. All guilt quickly faded and Gerard was smiling smugly in spite of how wrong it was to know he helped a man cheat on a clueless woman.

"I - okay." Frank whispered. He sounded weak, defeated. Gerard wondered what the woman said to make him sound that way, his voice coming close to quivering. A foreign protective feeling overcame him and his fingers curled into his palms, nails digging into the soft skin. He watched Frank hang up the phone and then looked away at his hands, surprised at the sudden resentment he felt towards Marina. It wasn't jealously as it had been before, but he didn't want her to hurt Frank with her menacing words even if a fatal mistake was made. He wished he could evade all venom aimed towards Frank if it meant he wouldn't ever hear him sound so lost again.

Gerard glanced back up when he noticed silence was beginning to grow. He gasped when he met Frank's eyes, eyes that were wide and bewildered. Frank's lips parted and he glanced back and forth between the model and his cellphone, growing pale in a quick second. Embarrassment quickly flooded through Gerard and blood rushed into his cheeks upon realizing he'd been caught eavesdropping on a conversation involving himself, meaning he of all people shouldn't have been hearing any of it.

"I'm sorry! Sorry, I just dropped in a few seconds ago and waited for you to finish." Gerard hid behind the doorframe, his trembling hands curling around the wood. "I didn't want to be rude by interrupting."

"How much did you hear?" Frank almost dropped his phone, but he caught it mid-fall and tossed it onto his bed.

"Just . . . enough to know you were talking to Marina." Gerard's voice gradually got softer towards the end of his sentence. He couldn't tell if Frank was angry with him now, but he could only hope for the best and assume he wasn't. Frank still looked pale, but he visibly relaxed. Gerard heard far more than he let the man know, but it was safer to say he'd just dropped in over telling him he'd heard most of the conversation.

"Yeah, _yeah_ , I was," Frank sighed, dropping himself down onto the bed. "I'm sorry you heard part of that. I was breaking up with her."

Gerard was filled with understanding. All of the pieces fit together well, she must have picked up a fight with him over the phone when she realized what he was doing. Gerard didn't have a doubt in his mind that she would grieve over the loss of her relationship with Frank, anyone who had their heart broken by Frank Iero would suffer a great deal of pain while losing one of the most amazing people to ever exist. Gerard could have been a little biased, but he was more than sure there were very few people as wonderful as Frank in both heart and soul.

"How did she take it?" Gerard leaned against the doorframe, his voice lowering into a consoling type of sound he didn't use often.

Frank shrugged, brushing his fingers through his hair. He looked distressed all over again, his lip going in between his teeth to be chewed at mercilessly. "Not well. I didn't expect it to. She wants to see me later so we can discuss this face to face."

Gerard nodded. Women were difficult creatures most of the time, but then again, Gerard would have done the same as Marina if he were bring broken up with over a phone call. Gerard pursed his lips, pulling his hands away from the doorframe. His fingers slid into the pocket of his dress and he felt a familiar tube of gloss inside, a tube he retrieved to smear across his lips when he wasn't sure what to do with himself just yet. Placing it back into the pockets, he rubbed his lips together, looking at Frank through his lashes. He felt slightly nervous, but nonetheless, he stopped hiding himself and slowly stepped into the room. His fingers curled into the skirt of his dress and his heart was beating quickly as he approached Frank who sat on the bed, quietly thinking and looking unsettled as he did so. Gerard stood in front of him, reaching out and gently brushing a strand of hair away from Frank's face. His fingertips brushed his forehead and he resisted the urge to kiss it as Frank tensed like he wanted to lean into the touch.

"She'll understand." Gerard told him softly. "If you explain it to her kindly, then she'll have to get it. It may hurt, but the best thing we can do when something hurts us is to let it go."

Frank looked up at Gerard from underneath his lashes for a moment. When their eyes met, Gerard smiled at him sweetly, trailing his fingers across his cheek and feeling the warmth of his skin underneath the tips of his digits. Gerard loved Frank eyes, the wide shape of them and how they appeared impossibly light when the sun slotted through his irises. Frank titled his head back and looked at Gerard entirely, his eyes sweeping over him slowly and drinking in the sight of the model standing in front of him.

"You look beautiful." Frank complimented him softly and brushed the back of his hand against the skirt of Gerard's dress. "You always do."

A blush blossomed across Gerard's cheeks at the additional comment he made. Thousands of people must have called Gerard beautiful throughout his entire life, amongst plenty of other compliments he couldn't count on both of his hands, but being told you were beautiful by the person you were in love with held such a special meaning to it. Gerard believed him in the blink of an eye, he felt like a heavenly being as he stood in front of Frank and became the person he set his eyes on. Frank was still looking over him, his hand traveling over the skirt of the dress until it brushed against his waist.

"I wanted to look nice for you." Gerard smiled in a foreign feeling meek smile.

Frank sighed, his eyes fluttering shut for a moment. When sudden sadness swept across his expression, Gerard felt the pricking of panic tingling at the back of his skull. His mind scrambled as he thought over what he'd said to make that expression cross over his face, but he came to the conclusion that nothing he said should have brought such a saddened expression to fix itself onto Frank's handsome face. Gerard's eyes widened and he parted his lips to ask the latter what was wrong. The words got caught in his throat as Frank wrapped his arms around Gerard's waist and pulled him closer. Embracing his midsection, Frank rested his head over Gerard's sternum, his cheek pressing into him and the heat seeping through the material of his dress. Gerard was caught off guard by the sudden gesture of affection. Nothing could stop his heart from melting and nothing could put an end to the warmth spreading out under Gerard's skin, settling into his bones in a rush of tenderness he felt for the man embracing him. His eyes were rounded, but he brought his hands to the back of Frank's head, cradling it and gently brushing his fingers through the soft strands of hair still slightly damp from his shower earlier. Frank was full of surprises recently and this was included.

"What's the matter, honey?" Gerard asked him softly. He hesitated before he pressed a kiss into Frank's hair, shutting his eyes and resting his cheek on the top of his head.

"I'm a horrible person, Gerard." Frank mumbled. His voice trembled, but the tone remained strong. He truly believed what he was saying and it felt like a needle was being pushed through the muscle of Gerard's heart to hear him say such an awful thing about himself when he knew he was far from being what he claimed to be.

"You aren't. You're such a good person, Frank, I've never met anyone like you in my entire life." Gerard kissed the latter's hair again, stroking the back of his head in a soothing repetitive motion.

"I . . . Marina trusted me. She trusted me to work for you without there being anything between us, but I went behind her back and I . . . I fell for you so quickly. And you fell for me - fuck, Gerard, we _slept together_ , I saw all of this coming and I didn't have the guts to end it with Marina before it happened." Frank nuzzled his face into Gerard. Gerard fell into another moment of shock when he felt the moisture of warm tears leaking onto his dress. He gasped softly and almost didn't have time to process that Frank had technically confessed to Gerard that he was in love with him. Above all, he felt Frank's pain, breaking his heart like nothing ever had.

"You can't blame yourself for that. We can't help who we fall for. I know that more than anyone else. Love makes us irrational." Gerard briefly recalled all of the mistakes and breakdowns he'd gone through during his journey of falling in love with his assistant. His friend, his lifeline, and now a lover he could only hope he would get to keep for as long as time allowed him to. It was hard to break through the fog when all you wanted was to hold the person in front of you and live in the moment, that being the exact reason why Frank made this slip up.

"So does temptation." Frank whispered. He rested his hands on Gerard's hips, slowly pulling away from him. His cheeks were flushed and his eyes were full of unspeakable negative emotions, all raising his tears to the surface so they glistened and threatened to fall. Gerard wasn't quite sure how to take what Frank had said, not knowing if he was denying that it was love he felt or if temptation was one of the factors that made him choose his path.

"Is temptation all I am to you?" Gerard asked without thinking about it first. His hand twitched on instinct to rise and slap over his mouth in shock, but he resisted. He flinched lightly, looking away from Frank and exhaling deeply. "I'm sorry, I don't know why I asked you that."

"You have a right to. That isn't what I meant." Frank wiped his eyes. He titled his head back, peering up at Gerard with long, wet eyelashes, framing his pretty hazel eyes. Gerard was always afraid of getting lost in them. He couldn't count the amount of times he had in the past. Gerard rolled his glossed lips into his mouth and averted his gaze out of embarrassment. 

"Come here." Frank gently took Gerard by the waist and stood up. He drew Gerard close to him, his hand sliding up his side. Gerard shivered, lashes fluttering. He turned his head to look at Frank once again when his voice took on a welcoming tone versus the defeated sound of it just a moment ago. Frank's eyes were warm besides the tears brimming in them, swirling hazel flickering all over Gerard's face like he aspired to memorize all of his features.

"You mean more to me than you'll ever know, Gerard." Frank inhaled shakily, gripping Gerard's waist. "It just isn't the right time to tell you everything."

Gerard fought not to turn into a puddle of melted skin and bone in the circle of Frank's arms. He licked his lips, tasting the cherry flavor from the cosmetics on his lips. "Do you love me Frank? It's all I want to know. I don't want to be someone you can easily leave if you wanted to. I couldn't take it if you touched me . . . _that way_ , and then never did it again."

Frank shut his eyes. Gerard rested his shaky hands on Frank's chest, watching them as his own body started to tremble. It was frustrating how these withdrawals were treating him when he had other things to keep his mind focused on. Gerard bit his lip and tried to ignore it. He waited for Frank's answer, his stomach becoming unsettled when Frank took a long moment to himself to think. If you loved someone, you didn't have to think it over, you just _knew_. He could have called himself a hypocrite for his logic, but his experience was far from normal.

"This isn't supposed to happen, Gerard." Frank murmured.

Gerard dug his fingers into Frank's shirt. "But it did. I told you everything, I came back to you, you kissed me and - god, Frank, you _fucked_ me."

"I know, I know." Frank pulled away abruptly. "I didn't fuck you, don't put it that way."

Gerard rubbed his hands over his suddenly cold and bare arms. "Then how would you put it?"

"I . . . I made love to you." Frank whispered delicately. His eyes filled with tears again when they returned their gaze to Gerard. The model froze, waiting with nauseating anticipation for the words Frank had yet to say. He wished he would spit them out to break these multiple awkward sentences constantly growing between them. He wanted no silence, no limits, no morals. Just them.

"Just say it." Gerard pleaded, his voice breaking. "There's no reason for you to be afraid of it." Gerard didn't understand why Frank shied away from the word. He was slowly coming to the assumption that Frank didn't love him at all, but you couldn't make love to someone without processing the emotion and releasing it in the form of physical touch and movement. Gerard wanted his insides to tremble with that feeling again, he knew he'd felt the familiar presence of tenderness whenever Frank kissed him.

"I love you." Frank licked his lips, squeezing his eyes shut. He trembled, Gerard could see it. "And I'm a fucked up man for loving you when I . . ."

Gerard knew. Frank was too kind to take it easy on himself when he betrayed the trust of a woman who loved him by falling for someone else, taking action on those feelings. It took a pure soul to fall into self hatred for making such a choice as the one he'd made and Gerard couldn't help but love him more for feeling remorse instead of immediately dropping the other woman and carrying on without a regret in his mind. Gerard smiled through the bittersweet moment.

He crossed the room and went to Frank. Cupping the man's face in his hands carefully, Gerard leaned in and placed his lips on top of Frank's. Soft, warm, enough to get Gerard through the coldness hollowing him out all these years. Frank took a fraction of a minute to react. He softly kissed Gerard back with a subtle movement of his lips, exhaling through his nose. Gerard felt the warm tendrils of his breath fan across his face, cool compared to the heated blood rushing under his cheeks. Gerard pulled away with a soft sound. His eyes fluttered open and casted down to Frank's lips, now smudged with gloss. His rosy lips look increasingly attractive with the cosmetic, but Gerard merely chuckled and swiped his thumb across them to rid of the cherry flavored sheen.

"You're doing the right thing by telling her the truth and doing what you want to do." Gerard whispered to Frank, looking into his miserable eyes. "Honey, nothing is wrong with you. You've just been thrown off a little by love."

Frank sighed quietly. He captured Gerard's wrist in his loose grasp as he was pulling his hand away and raised it to his lips to give it a gentle kiss, his warm lips pressing into the trembling pale fingers.

"You're shaking." Frank noticed, a tiny crease forming in between his brows. Gerard's lips parted and he slowly drew his hand away. Forcing a smile, he lightly shook his head, dismissing it.

"I'm fine." Gerard reassured, knowing he was lying. Something was clouding over him now, growing increasingly thicker by the second. He would be suffering in moments if he didn't feed his addiction again, but he'd ruin his day with Frank if he decided to go off and get high, resulting in him having an uncooperative memory the next day.

Gerard tugged Frank arm, leading him towards the door. "We're going to have some breakfast and you're going to feel better."

"I'm not really in the mood to eat." Frank mumbled nearly unintelligibly. Gerard glanced back at him, his lips pressing together in disapproval.

"If you eat, I'll blow you later." Gerard arched an eyebrow, his mouth curving around a slow smirk.

Frank struggled not to smile or laugh, Gerard could see the tension in his muscles and the stiff shape of his mouth. Eventually, he broke, smiling naturally for the first time all morning and his eyes sparkled when their gaze rose from the ground looked into Gerard's. Gerard's heart swelled and he slid his hand down Frank's arm, maneuvering his fingers down the latter's smooth palm until they met his fingers. He weaved his own through them, a contrast of lightly tanned and tattooed skin against pale and soft fingers.

Completely different, but when put together like this, Gerard felt complete.


	18. The Reason

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank really fucking loves Gerard, but it's just new enough for him to question everything.

Frank didn't want to make the trip to Marina's office out of fear of how everything would end. Perhaps there would never be an ending and he would eternally stay stuck in this loop of guilt and love, then love and guilt, both of them colliding like two vehicles pressing on the gas at the same time. HIs heart was filing with cracks and so were the walls of his casual composure. Little by little, he began to break, and step one of that was breaking down in front of Gerard while struggling not to spill every bit of the truth and pull out his intestines so he would be hollow for when Gerard turned his back on him and spat on every single surface that had his name on it. Frank wouldn't feel a thing in that case and nothing could hurt him ever again. He'd let Gerard walk away with his insides, but mostly, he'd let the model burn them into ashes as a form of revenge. The most difficult part of it all would be attempting to breathe after inevitably breaking away from the model, being casted away someplace far enough in distance for their paths to never cross again, and he'd never look into wide hazel eyes like Gerard Way's ever again. It would be better, in the end, if the both of them never spoke to each other again after the article was released, or they'd both have nothing at all to spare but coldness and consuming guilt Frank would soon have enough of.

Frank couldn't take any of it anymore. He fell in love with Gerard in the night, then he fell into a boundless adoration for him in the morning after. He gave into the one thing he vowed he'd never indulge in, but the taste was addicting, and his body quickly attuned to a need for Gerard once he discovered what it felt like to have him. After they'd had sex and fallen asleep, the morning came quicker than he anticipated and he was the first to awaken. Gerard was laying beside him, his hair messily tangled on the white pillows like fire dancing across snow, still off in a peaceful dozing state. He glowed like an angel under the golden light of the sun and he looked at peace, his skin lightly flushed where it hadn't been before. Not an inch of artificialness tainted his natural beauty, he looked so much younger when he fell asleep without a worry or a drug in his system. Frank wanted to reach out and skim his fingers across the surface of his cheek, press his lips against his eyelids and the tip of his nose until his eyes fluttered open and the two of them could lay in silence while the sun finished rising. Stopping Frank was a sudden flood of self hatred making itself known in his system. It came so quickly, a rush of anger coming from the side of him that had fallen in love with Gerard, making him wish he could dismantle fate and reconstruct it to make their paths cross in a way so much more delicate than the venomous pursuit he was signed up for. It grew more sickening each passing day, bubbling in his gut.

Frank couldn't sit there and pretend that everything was going to be alright when he gave into the one thing he promised he wouldn't pursue and ending up receiving more than he bargained for. Nothing felt more hideous than knowing he'd taken the next step without deciding what would be best for both him and Gerard. He knew the answer, but when he attempted to take action, he was met with the cold monotone of Marina's voice on the other line, sending chills through all of his bones. Frank needed to step out of this web of scandal and betrayal, all he wanted was to keep Gerard safe from the media and from the person who craved his blood and downfall. He wished he could construct a bubble of impenetrable glass around to model to protect him from the evil in the world, building a home of sweetness around him so misery could never touch him again. Frank was at a loss for words over his actions, and he knew what he needed to do if Gerard was where his heart decided to lie with.

Stepping into Marina's office felt like stepping into the lair of an evil mastermind. The woman, dressed in a pencil skirt and a dark purple blazer, sat at her desk, tapping her pen as she sifted through documents on her computer. Frank's heart was pounding rapidly and if he took in another breath, he felt like his ribs would pierce through his skin. He decided to hold in that breath as he stepped in, drawing his boss's attention to him.

"Glad you could make it, Frank." Marina's lips pursed and she turned her body forward, setting down her pen and leaning back into her chair so she could observe Frank.

Frank swallowed and took a seat in the chair in front of the dark wood desk. He kept his hands limp in his lap, not wanting to touch the desk or anything Marina may have laid her hands on. His skin was crawling with nerves, his intestines tying themselves into tight knots.

"You wanted to discuss the situation with me face to face?" Frank struggled to keep his voice from wavering.

"Yes, I did." Marina sighed, glancing at her computer screen for a moment. "Looks like our client has become the most unexpected obstacle. I can't say I didn't think this might happen, but I did think you'd be able to resist him."

Frank's mouth twitched with the need to defend the man he was in love with. He bit his tongue to keep from making a fool out of himself. Instead of talking back, he nodded, filling himself with shame for agreeing with her.

Marina smiled with no humor. "This makes your task much more difficult. Infatuation would be one thing, but life hasn't treated our situation very fairly.  _Love_ , it's such a silly little thing, what it does to people is cruel." She paused, narrowing her eyes a fraction. "And it only makes it so much harder for you if you love him back, Frank."

His heart gave a kick, an unpleasant thrill entering his bloodstream. He sat rigidly in his seat and dug his fingers into his thigh. "Not if I handle it professionally."

"Professional doesn't exist in love's vocabulary." Marina scoffed, tapping the top of her pen against her lips. "You're entering very dangerous waters, Frank, what are you thinking? In a job like this, you aren't supposed to let your emotions get the better of you. Falling in love with the man we're after, it's a fool's game. At least tell me you haven't shared your feelings with him."

Frank remained silent because there was nothing he could say that would sound convincing enough to put Marina at ease. His lips parted and remained open, gaping, all the blood draining from his face as panic set it. He clenched his fists tightly and looked away, exhaling deeply. "Gerard is stubborn. He won't stop his advances until he gets what he wants." He could only weakly emit words that burned to speak out loud, it felt like a sin inside a holy cathedral. He was certain he would burn in hell for every move he made in the past few months.

Marina arched her eyebrow in disbelief, her eyes widening the slightest bit. "He coaxed you into giving him a confession?"

He hadn't. Frank had the words burning into his throat, bubbling up to his lips until he couldn't hold them back anymore. When he said it, the weight of a thousand bricks were lifted off of his shoulders, the rush of love entering him at full force until all he could see and hear was Gerard. He fought the three words like they were obstacles and he didn't have a clue how many times he dodged them and was later faced with the disappointment gleaming behind Gerard's eager eyes.

"No. No, he didn't. I said it all on my own. You have to understand that Gerard isn't the person you think he is when you first meet him." Frank squeezed his eyes shut. "The drinking, the partying, the drugs, it's all something he uses to cover up the good person he really is. I've seen who he really is, Ms. Diamandis, anyone who has would know that it would be impossible not to- not to love him."

"I didn't assign you to this task so you could uncover what a good person he is, I sent you to him so we could discover what he's trying to hide from the media." Marina spoke sharply, her words close to cutting into Frank's skin, and her eyes were as cold as the nightly hours of winter. "I need you to stay on track, you're our only hope at this point. I chose you because I had faith in you, Frank, no one else could have done this successfully."

"I can't keep doing this!" Frank's throat became tight, thickening from the tears close to rising in the corners of his eyes and revealing how distraught he was. "He loves me, he's showed me parts of him he's never showed anyone before because he trusts me. Gerard has never been in love, Ms. Diamandis, he promised himself he'd never love anyone and yet he fell for me. I can't do this to him. He'll . . . I'm afraid of what might happen if I go ahead with this."

Frank didn't want to think of grave possibilities. But they snuck into his mind like a black mist tainting his insides and his bones, weighing him down until he was driven towards a breakdown. Gerard would become so much thinner, his substance abuse worse, Frank couldn't bear the thought of Gerard hurting himself more than he had in the past if he broke his heart with this wretched article he was stupid enough to walk into. He bit back tears of mourning, feeling as if he'd lost so much already and the article had yet to be published in the present time.

"Frank, you work with a magazine company." Marina said slowly, leaning across her desk to make direct eye contact with Frank as if he was a child learning a lesson from a coldblooded superior. "We've done this before to many celebrities and you've had no negative comment or objection whatsoever. This is no different, the only thing that separates this project from the others is providing an inside source. Like it or not, Iero, you've been doing this for years, but this time, you've made heart eyes for the person you're taking apart."

Frank lost all the thoughts building up in his head, the words he might have wanted to say disintegrating into dust. He felt the debris blowing away from him and bring something so much darker into every single crevice in his brain, setting itself into each pore within his skin. _Guilt._

Marina's mouth was set into a hard line and her eyes didn't carry an ounce of sympathy. She knew she was right, she knew where she stood, and Frank came to the slow realization that he was no better than her. Prying, dishonest, consuming everything Gerard had when he knew he'd leave him broken in the end.

"I . . ." Frank whispered, finding no words to speak. His voice drew away from him and retreated into some place he couldn't find it.

"I'll tell you something, Frank." Marina sighed, folding her hands together. "Gerard, from what I've seen, has a string of lovers behind him. He takes and takes and takes, and he just doesn't ever give back. God knows how many hearts he's broken, how many people imagined they had a special moment with him only to never see him again. What if he's only taking from you, Frank? Just like the others, you wouldn't even see it until he breaks it to you."

Frank's eyes widened and his voice surged back into his throat defensively. "No. He wouldn't do that. The difference between us and everyone else is that he's told me he loves me."

"You're not like the rest. No doubt he had trouble getting to you if you did your job well and resisted for as long as you could, of course he would go to extreme lengths to get what he wants. You said it yourself; he's stubborn." Marina dropped her pen onto the desk. Frank watched it roll, continuing to draw a path across the desk until it bumped into Marina's name plaque and stopped. Frank's stomach turned. Every bit of him was lapping up her words and the strongest parts of him were fighting them off. The weakest points were the ones suffering and wavering his resolve. His hands began to sweat.

"You can't know that." Frank spat through his teeth, fighting back.

"Then enlighten me, Frank." Marina leaned forward, her dark eyes glittering with triumph. "What makes you so special?"

The look in Gerard's eyes when he looked at Frank was enough to prove everything words couldn't explain. Frank denied it for so long, but he took a chance to drink it in in its full glory when his guard fell down at last. Shimmering, warm, like there was nothing a million years held that could be more promising than his lips touching Gerard's. But some part of him, gulping up Marina's tricky words, wondered if it was somehow the mask of a mastermind working into Frank's head to retrieve what he wanted. Frank violently rattled the thought out of his head, fighting to keep it away from his heart.

"You don't know him." Frank whispered.

Marina's mouth twitched into a humorless half smile. "Oh, but I do." She clicked on one of the files in her library on her laptop. Pressing play on the dark video, the image of Gerard at a club filled the screen. Frank watched with a bubbling stomach weighed down by anxiety as Gerard danced across the screen, rubbing up against strangers and swaying drunkenly on his feet. The footage may not have bothered Frank at the beginning, but now, watching everyone's hands groping at Gerard's body while the model moaned and leaned into it, Frank had never felt so numb.

"It's very simple." Marina inserted softly. "If you refuse to cooperate, you're fired. You'll go to your little Gerard, only to realize he's growing bored, and he'll proceed to go out and do exactly what he's doing in this video. But, if you do choose to contribute to this article, then it'll be published, you can live your dream, and you'll never have to see that man again."

Frank felt dizzy. The colors on the screen melted into each other, fading away until all he could see was Gerard. His bright hair tangled up by someone else's hand, his beautiful body being handled by rough touches he enjoyed. Frank's chest experienced a wave of pain watching another man pull Gerard into a rough kiss that he returned, his body pressing into the stranger until the crowd consumed them both and Frank was left with flashes of Gerard's bright hair and a man kissing his neck.

He shoved out of his seat, surprising Marina. Tears clouded his eyes, all sorts of doubt floating in his mind and sticking into his bloodstream like venom from the devil himself. Frank swallowed heavily, hiding his face away from his boss.

"Fine. But after this, I expect my payment so I can leave to New York immediately." Frank spoke in a strained sounding voice. He didn't have it in him to continue keeping a smooth tone when everything was swirling around him at a dizzying pace.

"Of course. I'm glad you're staying, this company needs you." Marina smiled and clicked out of the video when it was near its end. Frank hadn't been paying attention to it, but he couldn't shake it out of his mind. Clutching his chest, he nodded stiffly and turned to leave the office. It wasn't until he was alone that he unraveled into a pile of anxiety and tears.

 

 

Returning home was the hardest task Frank had to face when just this morning, it had been entering Marina's office and facing whatever she had in store for him. Frank was shaking and he wasn't quite healed from the wounding attack his anxiety had on him when he entered his car. Frank truly missed his medication then, the pills he took years ago when he was beginning to go off the rails with his emotions. It was a dark part of him he never thought back to or mentioned because he didn't think he should dwell in the past when he was so much better now as an adult. Frank could feel the ghost of the memory brushing the back of his mind. All of his buried insecurities and doubts, being eaten alive by 'what if' time and time again in relentless questioning keeping him unable to remain steady and at peace. His regret was so easily eroded by the thousands of thoughts attacking his brain and he wished he could turn off his ability to think if it meant he could have one moment of quiet to himself.

Frank entered the house as calmly as he could so whoever was inside couldn't see through him. He heard Melanie bustling about in the house, having just finished putting up the Christmas decorations. Frank's eyes traveled from one string of colorful lights to another, the wreaths and garlands hanging around every surface with the sparkling addition of tinsel wrapped around the fake greenery. Though the beauty of the twinkling lights and the splashes of red and green should have filled his stomach with warmth, he felt nothing at all looking at everything. He lost track of time and forgot that the holidays were quickly approaching. Christmas was near, but the fashion show Gerard was meant to attend was sooner and Frank's mind was counting down to then instead. All spirit was sucked out of him and he felt empty.

"Oh, Frank, you're home!" Melanie chirped as she rounded the corner. In her small hands was a Santa Claus figure with a wire dangling from the side, something she was meant to plug into the wall.

Frank forced a smile onto his face. "It looks really nice in here, Melanie."

"Thank you, I really do love decorating Mr. Way's house for Christmas. Normally he helps me, but he isn't feeling well at all today." Mars pursed her lips, adjusting the hat on the figure in her hands.

Frank stilled. "What do you mean?"

The maid took on a worried expression and she shifted her weight onto her right side. "He's awfully feverish and he keeps vomiting, at this point he has nothing in his stomach to give up. He's got a bad case of the shakes too, I'm thinking it's a severe case of the stomach flu. I thought about calling a doctor, but he insisted it would pass."

Frank had no way to help the spark of alarm coursing through him. Immediately, his back straightened and his mind screamed at him to go to Gerard and assure that everything was okay. "I'm going to check on him, is he in his room?"

"Attempting to sleep it off, yes." Melanie nodded, a crease forming between her thin eyebrows. Frank thanked her quickly and practically flew up the stairs as quick as he could. If his stomach wasn't bubbling with nerves and aching with them in the first place, then it surely was now as he rounded the corner and went straight to Gerard's door that was closed, but thankfully not locked.

When he opened the door, he was plunged into darkness. The drapes were shut and little light streamed in through the crack where the two sections of the curtain met. Frank heard a noise inside - a little whimper, followed by a shuddering gasp in between harsh breaths. Frank's eyes landed on Gerard's form covered under his blankets, the shape of him tossing and turning. Frank switched on the lamp to get a better view of the model's state.

He inhaled a soft gasp at the sight of him. Gerard was dripping sweat, his red hair a wild disarray sticking to his ashen face and his pale lips. He was panting, clutching his stomach through the tremors wracking through his body in violent waves. Gerard's eyes fluttered, fixing on Frank once the light was turned on.

"Frank." He croaked softly.

"Gerard, what's the matter?" Frank asked, his voice a pitch higher with the alarm racing through his veins. He immediately got down on his knees at Gerard's bedside, reaching out and brushing the back of his hand against Gerard's sweat glazed forehead. The man was burning up, but his face was no where close to being flushed. All color seemed to have drained from him, making the redness of his hair look almost violent in contrast to his pallid skin.

"W-withdrawals." Gerard swallowed hard, another tremor taking over him and he whimpered softly.

"From . . . from drugs?" Frank was breathless, stunned and questioning even though the answer was clear.

Gerard nodded, shutting his eyes and turning onto his side to curl into a ball with his arms wrapped around his waist. Frank gently uncovered Gerard's body so the sheets wouldn't trap warmth into his overheated body. The baggy shirt he wore was close to being drenched in sweat, his lower body covered in nothing but boy shorts sticking to his skin.

"God, Gerard, you should have said something sooner. I thought we'd have to take you to the hospital." Frank brushed his fingertips against Gerard's cheek softly, the swelling of his heart unstoppable no matter how big the ordeal he'd faced moments ago was. He wanted to cradle Gerard in his arms and rock him back into health, nursing him into a soothed state if it meant it would take from part of his illness. There wasn't much he could do that he was aware of to help Gerard while the drugs left his system.

"I d-didn't want to make a big deal out of it." Gerard struggled to speak through the shaking state of his body, the slur his tongue adopted. He opened his eyes halfway, showing how they were covered with a thin film of tears. "But f-fuck it if I say this doesn't suck." He wheezed out a gentle chuckle. Frank couldn't find it in him to laugh, he only rolled his lips into his mouth and wrapped his hand around the cup of water sitting on the nightstand. Puddles of water surrounded the glass, results of a shaking hand attempting to obtain a grip on it, but failing and giving up.

"You need to stay as hydrated as possible." Frank reached out for Gerard and helped the latter position his body so his back was propped up against the pillows and he was sitting with his legs stretched out in front of him. He brought the rim of the glass to Gerard's parted lips. Gerard sipped the water and Frank tilted it back for the cool liquid to gently seep into his mouth. Gerard lifted his trembling hand and wrapped his fingers around the glass, drinking the water quickly after he realized his own thirst. When he was finished, Frank put the cup aside.

"Melanie says you keep throwing up." Frank said softly and stroked the sweaty hair away from Gerard's face.

"It stopped for now. I have n-nothing left to vomit." Gerard licked his colorless lips. "But my stomach hurts so bad. It comes and goes."

Frank's heart squeezed at the tiny whimper blended into the latter's weak voice. He forgot about his previous worries, everything weighing him down, and he didn't care if he needed to carry the weight of Gerard's pain along with the rest. He kissed Gerard's forehead softly, caressing his cheek.

"You should try and sleep this off." Frank suggested.

Gerard shook his head quickly, swallowing. "I tried. I h-had nightmares, I don't want to see them again."

"Nightmares about what, darling?"

Gerard's eyes fluttered with hesitation. Biting down on his bottom lip, he reached out for the sheets and covered his pale legs with them, leaving his upper half exposed to the air. His fingers dug into the fabric brushing against his skin. "There are some things that are too hard to talk about."

Frank's chest expanded with a billowing and gradual wave of pain. Not for himself, but for Gerard and the genuine fear crossing his eyes before he looked away. It couldn't have been anything miniscule, if it was then Gerard wouldn't be so unwilling to tell Frank despite trusting him with so much information holding a depth perhaps too deep, but he couldn't know he shouldn't have ever shared a thing with Frank when he thought he was only his assistant and friend.

"You can tell me anything." It was the truth that Frank wanted, he would listen to Gerard speak forever about every detail of his life just to be soothed by the sound of his voice. He would find it more comforting if Gerard was releasing small ounces of pain while he was at it, letting it fall away from his chest. Frank crawled onto the bed, settling down in the spot beside Gerard. He could feel the waves of heat emitting off of the model, but it didn't bother him one bit.

"I know I can." Gerard curled his legs in when another wave of pain hit his stomach. While he whimpered and panted through clenched teeth, Frank reached out and gently rubbed his back, willing the pain to dissipate. It was too unfair for a good thing to have such a horrible consequence to it. He kissed Gerard's shoulder, patiently waiting for the pain to pass.

"You can try and sleep, I'll be here with you until you get better." Frank said to him once the pain intruding Gerard's stomach passed and he went flaccid against the pillows. Gerard wiped away the sweat dripping from his upper lip and he shook his head, glancing down at himself.

"No, I-I feel awful. I want to change my clothes." Gerard carefully swung his legs over the side of the bed. While he hunched, Frank could see the droplets of sweat mixed with red hair dye sliding down the back of his pale, elegant neck, pooling at the collar of his shirt and staining it like how drops of rain and blood would dribble onto pure snow.

Frank stood and walked to the other side of the bed to help Gerard get onto his feet. The model swayed and needed to stop for a moment when nausea overtook him, but he didn't need to be picked up as Frank thought he would need to end up doing. He helped Gerard enter his closet and he picked out loose and airy clothes for him to wear in place of the sweaty clothes sticking to his skin. Frank stripped Gerard and helped him change without glancing at any part of his body besides his face out of respect. Gerard was paler than he was before he stood up, and despite Gerard denying that he needed guidance, Frank gently scooped him up into his arms and carried him back to bed. The model was still too thin for it to be healthy and Frank couldn't call this a flaw when nothing about Gerard was anything far from perfect in his eyes. It was more of an unhealthy habit he hoped would become the next step in healing once the drugs faded away from his system and he was no longer ill.

In bed, Gerard curled up against Frank, their legs tangled into each other and his head rested on Frank's chest. He was too warm, shaking and constantly being attacked by pains he couldn't identify. Frank held him, stroking his back and brushing his hair away from his face that was slowly flooding with color to match the fever burning under his skin. Frank wished he could take away the illness flowing through his veins, but he was proud of Gerard for fighting against the addiction running in his blood like his own personal poison. The entire time Frank was gone, Gerard could have easily broken into his stash and fed the monster begging for its daily dose of drugs. Instead, he suffered in his own defense.

"I'm tired." Gerard whispered.

Frank gently kissed the top of his head. "Get some rest."

"I can't, I-I told you why I can't go to sleep." Gerard shuddered, his teeth grinding together against the discomfort.

"What's keeping you from falling asleep? What are these dreams you're having?" Frank stroked Gerard's red hair back, fingers combing through the tangles building up at the back of his head.

"They're more like nightmares, dreams about . . . w-why I ended up taking shit I wasn't supposed to."

Frank bit his bottom lip, sensing the latter was about to finally open up to him. He continued to brush through his hair, dropping random soft kisses into it to soothe the shaking beauty cradled in his arms. Gerard sighed shakily, pressing his hot cheek against Frank's chest.

"I've been running off of drugs and alcohol since my teens. It wasn't so bad until it suddenly was, and I-I didn't realize how terribly I'd been treating myself. Th-this is my first attempt of trying to stay off of them." Gerard began. "Every part of me is screaming at me to t-take them right now, but I know I can't. I-I want to be a better person for you, for Brendon, for myself. I don't mean to sound selfish, but it's so much more for myself. I'm sick of this."

Frank fought a smile at the words he spoke, his heart melting from the warmth glowing true in his chest. He could never think Gerard was selfish for getting clean for his own self, he whispered such a reassurance to the model, and he felt proud to be witnessing a change taking place no matter how negative it may have seemed in the process of it. He held Gerard closer, brushing his lips against the side of his head and cradling the back of it with a gentle hand. Gerard snuggled closer, kissing the spot above Frank's heart through the material of his shirt.

"I didn't push myself into this." Gerard whispered miserably. "I used to be friends with awful people when I was younger. M-models my age were already drinking and s-smoking, pot and pills. They'd already lost themselves to the fame, they had nothing left to lose, and I guess I started feeling that way, too. After . . . o-one thing kept happening to me, they offered me all this shit to make me forget. They told me it would help, not that they truly cared about me. I was stupid and rebellious, I was sick of being perfect and vulnerable, and I took what they gave me. Kept coming back for more. I eventually got my own dealer and sometimes h-he'd give me shit for free if I blew him. I was o-only fifteen and whoring myself out for drugs."

Frank stilled from the shock of the information. Something painful stabbed into his heart while he listened and the reveal of Gerard's age at the time had disbelief flourishing in the pit of his stomach.

"What were you trying to forget?" Frank asked, his tone colored with the secondhand pain he felt.

Gerard stayed quiet for a moment. He still breathed quickly, but the pattern of his breaths broke and Frank swore he felt his trembling become more violent the longer he kept his mouth closed. Gerard inhaled shakily and clutched the material of Frank's shirt.

"I had a different manager when I was getting my career sorted out. Her name was Valerie, sh-she was a family friend and she helped me get my career off the ground. My parents loved her, they thought she was this amazing woman with a perfect life and my parents just loved shiny things like that. I never liked her, I could see right through her expensive cars and her diamonds. I gave her attitude all the time and my parents thought I was a disrespectful brat for it since she was so sweet to me in front of them. I knew she was a hypocrite. She was jealous of me because she n-never got to be a model like she wanted, but my parents were paying her a lot more than she deserved, so she stayed." Gerard swallowed harshly. "She was disgusting. She made me feel disgusting. Valerie would get me alone and sh-she would . . . touch me, call me a wh-whore because she knew about what I did when I was miserable, and she shut me up by threatening to ruin my c-career with the pictures she took of me when she used me. I blame her for this."

Frank didn't know what to feel when Gerard stopped speaking. Anger, sympathy, heartbreak, nothing permanently sunk in. They passed by his eyes in blinking colors moving too fast for him to be able to decipher what the shade of each emotion was. Frank remained silent along with Gerard, losing his words for a good portion of time. When he found at least something to say, Frank said it quietly. "Did you ever tell anyone?"

He felt Gerard nod against him and relief finally settled over his eyes in the color of every object he identified in the room.

"I told my parents." Gerard said, his voice shaking in tune with his body. "I stole the p-pictures of me to show them and my parents sent her away. But they never truly cared, th-they just cut her off as if that would solve everything and I don't know where she is now."

"This may seem awful, but I really despise your parents for not paying much mind to it." Frank muttered without a regret to make him wince. His hands wanted to curl into fists, but he restrained his rapidly growing anger so he wouldn't make Gerard feel even more distraught.

Gerard chuckled dryly. "I feel the same towards them. You'd be surprised how much I resent them"

Frank laid his hand on the small of Gerard's back and gently massaged the tense area until it relaxed and Gerard sighed shakily in relief, melting into Frank with all of his limbs wrapped around him like he didn't plan on letting go. His heart thumped quickly, similar to when he was nervous, but he only felt love and secondhand pain coming from the model whose tears he now began to feel wetting his shirt. The quivering strength he held onto fell away and Gerard freely cried now that he cut himself open to show Frank the reason behind all of the destructive tendencies he'd developed. It wasn't ugly inside, but beautiful, vulnerable and scarred, and scars could never turn Frank away. He loved Gerard more for finding light in the end and facing what he was doing, deciding to put an end to it, and being brave enough to tell his story to someone at long last.

"You're safe now, baby. Neither of them are here to hurt you anymore." Frank reached under Gerard's head and grazed his chin with his fingers. Tilting the model's head up, Frank looked down into his heavy lidded and teary gaze, olive green eyes filled with such innocence and fear that he was rendered speechless for a moment. He'd never seen him vulnerable this way, with his soul pouring out into his irises like lava slowly flowing from a volcanic opening. Frank gently kissed the tip of his nose, his cheek, caressing the side of his face and feeling the salty water of his tears dripping past his fingertips.

"I love you." Gerard whispered. He shut his eyes and he looked so youthful in the way his wet eyelashes brushed against the tops of his cheeks and the flush flooded back into his bitten lips.

"I love you most." Frank spoke without quite thinking about the negative. It didn't creep in until Gerard rested in him again and placed his trust on the surface so he was able to lull himself into sleep. He still shivered, stirred and groaned softly in his sleep, but the most important part was that his rest allowed him to escape some of the pain and need he'd feel if he stayed awake. Frank laid there, his eyes growing bloodshot from not blinking and staring at the wall, getting the sinking feeling he had crushing his chest in earlier seep back into him with a vengeance. This couldn't be the same Gerard he saw dancing in the video Marina showed him, not the notorious heartbreaker who had sex for fun and never bothered to keep himself tied to any individual person. What scared him the most was knowing you could never be entirely sure about how any human being truly was, how the most loveable person was on the inside.

Frank had one week to pretend, one more week to stay in love. Until then, he'd soak up everything he could and keep pretending he wasn't the worst person who ever lived.


	19. Last Stand

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lucinda's fashion show has approached and Frank nor Gerard are sure if Gerard can make it through.

Withdrawals were worse than any sickness Gerard had ever succumbed to. He harbored a needy monster inside of him throughout the entire process, one that yanked at his insides painfully and demanded to be fed the toxic substance Gerard was trying to flush out of himself. It banged on the inside of his skull, tied his organs into knots until the pain made him double over and vomit, alongside the fever that came and went in frustrating waves he couldn't stop. Days were spent in misery and sweat, quiet moans of discomfort being muffled by a pillow or the chest of his lover who held him so sweetly to lull him to sleep. The shivering kept him in a fragile and weak state, he couldn't grasp all sorts of objects because of his unstable grip. He craved so badly, he wanted relief for all of the pain and illness he was putting himself through. Gerard had no clue how he stopped himself from sneaking away whenever Frank would leave for a few moments. After he confessed thinking these thoughts, Frank took away all of his drugs and hid them in a place where he'd never be able to find them. He was thankful for the support, but the gnawing hunger inside himself almost had him begging for Frank to have mercy on him, to show him where the substances were hidden to the pain would vanish and be satisfied. What kept him from doing just that was the knowledge that he would never forgive himself for allowing the worst part of himself to overcome the part he'd buried so deeply beneath the bedazzled plastic that was his stage persona. The best part of him, the human who felt everything and sensed regret, guilt, and sorrow along with overwhelming love he couldn't keep hidden for longer than he first attempted to. He endured what he thought he would never put himself through and eventually ceased all struggle with the illness.

The first few days held the worst of the symptoms. As the week began to trickle past him in a slow daze, the less ill he felt. He still felt discomfort and he remained shaky, but he was no longer suffering sharp pains or severe dehydration, the vomiting was no longer frequent as well and that alone was a great relief to him. Gerard knew this would take another long while and he couldn't be magically healed in a total of seven days. He still felt the tick in his body, the nagging urge to consume something his body panicked upon not receiving. Feeling it fade little by little had pride flourishing in his chest, he couldn't believe he was successfully defeating the one thing keeping him low to the ground for so many years. His life had become a web of drugs and alcohol, drowning out everything inside of him to temporarily numb him until he felt the growing need to consume it all over again the moment sober thoughts peaked through. Eventually, they didn't do much for him besides erasing the heaviness, but everything remained present as his system attuned to some of his intake. Gerard learned that misery would always be a part of him, branching further out with his addiction. The least he could do was rebuild himself, tearing away at the thorns to find the rose underneath. He owed it to himself, to the people he hurt, and to those who still cared.

Frank was one of the main reasons he refused to give up. Seeing the warmth and awe shining in those honey hazel eyes, the gentle curl of his lips when their gazes met, Gerard would do anything to immortalize that look and make the person who mattered the most proud. Frank's tender and kind nature kept Gerard from suffering on his own. He received the care he wished he'd had all of these years, something he never realized he craved more than any drug or alcoholic beverage. Frank assured that Gerard stayed hydrated, he brought him food and painkillers, rubbed his shoulders and kissed his forehead whenever Gerard was feeling especially weak. Gerard's happiest moments were when he was cradled in the arms of the person he loved, feeling the exchange of warmth between their skin even when they were clothed. Gerard would gently trace the tattoos on Frank's skin until his eyelids drooped and he fell into a deep sleep holding no nightmares he'd been afraid of previously. He dreamt of nothing, but heard the sound of Frank humming to him until he also fell asleep. Gerard couldn't describe the feeling of comfort Frank provided to him in words, but if he was forced to choose one, he would describe the feeling of Frank's arms around him as home. Gerard didn't have a functional home while growing up, though he always longed for one, and he pondered if he found what he was looking for all along when Frank's lips brushed against his face when he was on the brink of sleep. He constantly thought about inked hands and guitar strings, and he caught himself looking beside him whenever he woke up in the morning to see if Frank was laying where he last saw him. He always was, either dozing or gazing at Gerard in a way making his chest stir up with welcoming heat stroking his heart like the feathers of a dove.

Gerard was blissfully in love. Although the time he spent with Frank wasn't exactly what he hoped it would be, nothing was better to him than being loved in the most gentle way he'd ever been loved. He was used to the burning touch of lustful hands bruising his body and tugging his hair, the rough kiss of a person seeking nothing but the sexual nature exuding from Gerard's pores. Frank's hands never burned when they touched his body, but released a soothing warmth traveling to his core. His lips were soft and careful, never branding his flesh, but complimenting it in soft whispers. Gerard wanted to wrap the essence of Frank around him forever and be cradled in the safety of his arms, hidden in the brilliant shadow of him instead of being overpowered by the spotlight. Gerard accepted all of these thoughts and emotions instead of cowering away from them. His hands admired Frank's body in a way that was not sexual, his lips loved his skin and his handsome face, and the coldest parts of him were beginning to thaw out from the sunshine constantly radiating off the other man.

Gerard sighed softly, running his hand slowly over Frank's bare chest for the millionth time that week. The morning had come and the two had the day to spend for themselves, the day before the grand fashion show Lucinda was hosting. Gerard quietly worried over whether or not he was well enough for it, but he knew it was something he needed to do for the sake of his career that was becoming suspiciously slow. The last thing he needed were articles being published about him asking whether or not something was going on in his personal life, all front pages for the labels he resented with a passion. Gerard wished he could withdrawal from fame as he did with drugs, pain free and without any consequences. He slid himself closer to Frank, draping his leg over the latter's.

"What's the matter?" Frank asked him softly and kissed his cheek with his velvet lips. Gerard's eyes fluttered, fingertips brushing over the skin above Frank's navel. The two of them were nude in bed, their lower halves covered by thin sheets and the beaming rays of sunlight trickling into the room. Not after sex, not with the intentions of sex, but because the two of them loved each other's bodies and felt comfortable shedding their clothing in front of one another. Gerard drifted in and out of sleep, not being able to fight the fatigue washing over him if he talked and moved around too much.

"The fashion show. It's tomorrow evening." Gerard sighed quietly. Frank's hand traveled up his waist and the feeling of his fingers against his ribcage was everything. He felt how Frank tensed for a moment and a fleeting worry of Frank feeling his protruding bones wavering him passed through his mind until he spoke.

"I didn't realize this week passed by so fast . . ." Frank swallowed quietly.

"It lasted an eternity for me. Not that the show is something I've been looking forward to." Gerard's fingers danced across the top of the tattoos inked onto Frank's skin.

"I don't think you're ready to do anything yet. We've cancelled a few appointments because of what you're going through, calling it quits on the show for this would be perfectly reasonable. Lucinda will live, she'll have to understand." Frank brushed Gerard's hair away from his cheekbone, rubbing the pad of his thumb over the skin flushed pink under the pale tone of his flesh. It was warm that he cared enough to have so many concerns about Gerard's state and how he would handle the fashion show. It almost made Gerard smile and lean into his touch, but he wanted to prove his strength or Frank would never stop being weary.

"Strutting down a runway in a dress is simple," Gerard said. "And I know that every day, I get better, even if it's just a little bit."

"Those models . . . I know they have alcohol and other things backstage, all of the toxic things you shouldn't be around right now." Frank's face fell at the thought of it, as if he just remembered that one factor Gerard allowed to slip his own mind as well. Atop of it all, something else troubled Frank, keeping the latter caught in a struggle to keep his expression as composed as possible.

Gerard bit his lip, lifting his hand up so his fingertips grazed the softness of Frank's lips. He traced them delicately, capturing Frank's attention. His hazel eyes filled with an abundance of tenderness, the hazel color of them turning into pools of something Gerard wanted to dive into.

"Something tells me you really don't want me to go." Gerard smiled slightly, a breathy chuckle coming out from between his parted lips.

Frank's expression softened. "I just don't want you to be at risk of anything. I've been taking care of you this entire week and I want to keep on doing that. This is something delicate, you're still weak and shivering." Frank grasped Gerard's wrist and drew his hand away from his moving lips. He took Gerard pale and trembling hand between both of his own, gently massaging the skin and the tendon to transfer his pleasant warmth into his freezing flesh. Gerard's skin prickled as it slowly thawed out, his heart skipping a beat.

"I'm stronger than I look. I've gone to work with the most intense hangovers, I managed to mingle at parties and events when I drank enough to get alcohol poisoning, and I've gone to interviews after puking my guts out. Never underestimate a model who's been working their entire life." Gerard tapped Frank's leg with his foot, offering a serene smile despite the symptoms being very much alive in his body. He'd fight to pull through, never disappoint another soul again, but for the first time in what seemed to be ages, he had a little spark of doubt pricking at the inner corners of his brain.

"That doesn't mean I won't be concerned." Frank licked his lips, sighing. "I wish you didn't get attuned to that. Working through pain. I don't want that for you anymore."

Gerard didn't either, but he knew this wouldn't be like the rest of the times, and he vocalized that to soothe his lover. "It isn't the same this time. I'll be sober and sane. Being a little weak won't fuck me over, I'll without a doubt be stronger by the morning."

Concern kept Frank's brows arched, a thin line forming between them that Gerard wanted to smooth over with his lips. "If that's the case, then we need to look out for you even more. Plenty of water, pain killers, I'll even pack a headache compress. I could go out and get you a cream for sore muscles if anything starts to hurt-"

Gerard pressed his finger against Frank's lips to silence him. He felt overwhelmed by everything pouring out, but he couldn't stop himself from finding it completely endearing as Frank became more distressed when he was hushed by Gerard's finger. The model sighed softly and slowly shook his head at his assistant, a slow smile spreading over his lips.

"You worry too much for it to be healthy, Frank." Gerard slowly slid his finger from the middle of Frank's lips to angle his fingertip at the curve of his top lip. Tracing it slowly, he watched Frank's eyes sparkle. "Everything is going to be fine. You being there is all I'll need to get through it. Then, when it's over, we can come home and laze around like this again."

Frank looked uncertain, but he had nothing else to say about the matter. The two of them fell into another silence, quietly touching and glancing at each other while the afternoon gave the bright sunlight an orange glow. Gerard's head pounded with a heavy headache he struggled to ignore and he settled on focusing on the way the sun looked on the olive toned flesh of Frank's torso, glow of his soft flesh and the darkness of the patterns of ink drawn into him for eternity. Gerard drew in all his strength and craned his neck to kiss Frank, and he continued to kiss him until he was too exhausted to continue. Frank wrapped him in blankets and gently whispered in his ear that he needed to focus on some work he was neglecting, which caused Gerard's eyes to flutter open for a moment, but even through his blurry vision, Gerard saw the tears glittering in the sad eyes of the man he loved. He hated that his sickness caused him to black out and the memory floated away like a balloon being released from the grip of a child and set free into the breeze heading towards the sky.

__

Being surrounded by handful after handful of beautiful models felt like a twisted version of home to Gerard, The sickly mixture of sweet perfume and cigarette smoke hung heavy in the air and contained a strength mighty enough to fill up an individual's lungs and choke them to death. Gerard was used to the fumigation taking place backstage, he inhaled it and felt his chest rise and fall with every breath he took, becoming heavier until he parted his lips slightly to breathe in long puffs of air where he could taste the scent touching his tongue. He was lightheaded, his head and heart pounding, and his hands still remained shaky when they stayed still at his sides. He wanted nothing more than to curl back into bed and sleep the day away, pretend that his career didn't depend on this, but fantasies always differed greatly from reality. His cravings were pushed aside yet again and he forced himself to breathe evenly as he weaved through the backstage area to meet with the employees working for him tonight, handing Frank his bag and watching him whisk away into Gerard's dressing room to place it somewhere safe.

Brendon was already off speaking to Lucinda and ordering hair and makeup to attend to Gerard as quickly as possible due to the slight time crunch from a small abundance of models arriving late with no excuse other than the craving of their alcohol dragging their heavy tongues to the liquor store for something cheap and quick. A celebration for the new season, they called it, and the shot glasses in their thin hands had Gerard's breath freezing in his throat. Frank took Gerard's shoulders and quickly escorted him away from the alcohol, but not before he snuck a longing glance at the amber liquid bubbling inside a bottle of one of his newly abandoned friends. He could practically taste it on his tongue and the phantom sensation of a familiar burn at the back of his throat left his chest tight and aching. Frank rubbed his shoulders discreetly as Gerard waited in front of his dressing room for the makeup artists to begin their task, his hands working at the knots that built up there in just a small collection of hours.

Since Gerard was the headliner model exhibiting the fashion line Lucinda created, he had his own personal dressing room unlike the rest of the models, a star carved into the door with his name on it in bold glittering letters. It was dizzyingly pink and bright, the blindingly bright lights swaying Gerard in his tracks. He fell into his chair and gasped quietly, sensing Frank panicking mildly around him and bringing a bottle of cool water to his lips. He sipped thankfully and received a kiss on the cheek as a reply to his mumbled giving of thanks. Hair and makeup rushed in as soon as possible and Gerard had to maintain a cool composure, pretend his head wasn't spinning and his palms weren't sprouting a cold sweat. He did as he was asked; closing his eyes, holding still, turning his head at a certain angle, rubbing his lips together when lipstick and gloss were slathered onto them. Frank disappeared a few moments in when Brendon called him out and Gerard felt even worse without him there. He was the only calm aura in the room and without him, the balance and comfort was thrown off quickly. He tapped his fingers nervously until another employee came around to file his bitten nails and paint them with a clear polish. The look of disapproval in her face over his jagged nails had him biting back a snide comment. If he hadn't been sober, he wouldn't have been able to contain himself from spitting words of venom towards her. He still held a spark of attitude in him, it was something he believed attached to his ghost and refused to ebb away into the parts of him he was trying to detach from.

The first dress was a billowing lavender gown with layers of soft fabric clinging to Gerard's waist. The gentle outward flow of the color resembled that of a rose petal developing its color and the sleeves reached his wrists, the plunging neckline showing off the porcelain white skin of his chest. The train of the dress flowed behind him whenever he walked, caressing the ground with a grace of a feather in the wind. His curled hair was pinned  up and decorated with luminous pearls, matching the glitter dusted across his eyelids along with the dramatic wing of eyeliner enhancing the hazel tones of his eyes. Looking in the mirror, Gerard could see the person he detested for so long. The arrogant, addict model soaking up every fiber of attention and love he could get his hands on all while rejecting it as soon as it was running through his veins. But his eyes were different. Softer, unsure, warm like Frank's from love. He wondered if anyone else noticed, if they were taken aback by the tenderness planting itself in his irises. He touched his cheek softly as he breathed in, his fingertips coming away shimmering from the highlight dusted across his cheekbones, and he wondered in a strange thought if it could have been residue from the romance blooming anew in his heart.

Gerard heard the audience outside over the excruciatingly loud music pounding through the speakers hanging everywhere and rattling in his skull like a ricocheting bullet. He heard himself breathing after his ears started to ring and he was being pushed further and further towards the entry to the stage, the velvet curtains keeping him hidden away from the public eye. Brendon was helping Lucinda line up the models and explain the signal each one would be given for them to know their cue to walk onto the shiny walkway. Evelyn breezed past Gerard with a newly tailored dress draped over her arm and she offered him a quick smile before she became a blur too quick to process. He felt a brush of nostalgia when he spotted her even if the time they'd spent apart was short.

"Are you alright?" Frank whispered to Gerard and it echoed in Gerard's mind. He looked up and saw the face of his assistant, contorted with concern and a caring nature that still surprised Gerard every time he saw it.

He gripped the sleeve of Frank's shirt, whimpering softly when he wasn't able to form words. He worried his makeup would be ruined from the cold sweat tingling in his scalp, his fingertips freezing cold where he felt them pressing into the meat of his palm whenever he clenched his hands into fists. He found his voice at last to speak. "No. I want to get the fuck out of here, I've never done this sober and I don't think I want to."

Frank glanced at the string of models and assured no one was looking their way. He quickly leaned in and brushed a curl of Gerard's hair aside, so warm and careful with his movements and his eyes were shining with faith like the model was all there was left to believe him. Bringing his lips to Gerard's ear, he whispered,  "You're okay. I'll be looking out for you. I know you can do this, you're so strong. Please breathe."

Gerard whimpered again, angling his face until his cheek pressed against Frank's and his lips were near his ear. "Tell me something that can help me get through this."

"You look so beautiful, you're an angel." Frank breathed.

Gerard only gripped his sleeve tighter. He wanted to curl up into a ball inside the warmth of Frank, burrow himself in silk of his words and the touch of his hand. Nothing else held the cure for the dizziness rocking through his entire body, the pain and the rapid heartbeat he couldn't slow down even if he tried. He could smell the alcohol in the air and his chest was tightening. But Frank placed a small kiss at the shell of his ear and the pain was overtaken by a swarm of butterflies fluttering in his stomach. He pulled away and Gerard saw that questionable sadness painted in Frank's eyes again, but he was being ordered to enter the walkway and focus before he could say or do anything about it.

Gerard felt like he was walking through a storm when it began. The spotlight and the colorful flashing lights lining the walkway were the strikes of lightening hitting the earth in a startling array. The people screaming and flashing their cameras played the part of the whistling winds tearing through the atmosphere. The awe and adoration in all of their eyes for his body and his looks was like fire blistering his skin. He couldn't breathe, high pitched ringing was quickly overlapping the sounds of their shouts and their shuttering cameras. He wasn't aware of his own weight for once, he didn't count his steps, but somehow, he strode across the stage with enough grace to please the sea of people wrapped around the runway. He realized then and there that he lied to Frank. Not intentionally, he also lied to himself, which had him crossed and panicking in an instant. He couldn't do this, not without feeling like he began to decay inside now that he could see this with sober eyes and an open heart. They all wanted a piece of his flesh and so they received it, that was how becoming a sacrifice to the media worked. He gave himself away a little more each time, and if that was so, then why did he feel so bare now? They had never seen the real him. Gerard was Gerard Way, the glorified model no one could escape while living on this planet, not the person he was bringing himself to be.

 _Sick, sick, sick_ , the word bounced around his mind dozens of times before it repeated the cycle and began thousands of times. He felt it tight in his gut, squeezing his chest, tearing emptiness into him. This wasn't what he wanted, it was never what he wanted, and yet he kept his legs moving, his body posing and his eyes dramatically glancing towards the cameras for a photo that would be posted onto the internet millions of time until he was sick of seeing himself. Gerard had been tired of looking at himself for years, to the point where beauty meant nothing to him. Everyone here was made of nothing, filled with the same emptiness he was, because they all came for beauty showcased on living, breathing humans they could care less about. They watched the flow of their skirts, the bounce of their curls, the height of their heels. They didn't examine their hands to see if they were shaking, if their knees wobbled with every step they took, if their bones stuck out of their skin from lack of eating. Shallow, _sick_.

Gerard went back and forth countless times. His clothes and makeup would be changed, his hair taking various styles including the curls created by the people in charge. He stood still while they handed everything for him as if they believed he couldn't do any of it himself, and in his state, he believed the same. The room was swirling and he kept blinking to straighten it out. Gerard was losing himself and Frank watched him float away, but he couldn't do anything when he kept being ushered away whenever he tried to approach him. Gerard would make another round and the crowd would soak up every second of it, relishing in his presence gliding across the stage. No one had a clue he was holding back his nausea, no one saw his skin crawl when the smell of alcohol became so sharp that he was starving in the most painful way. His bloodstream cried out for it. His mind rejected it.

After losing count of the dresses and amount of times Gerard walked across the stage, everything was a muffled blur. He wasn't quite sure when, but when he returned from pretending to have his same cocky, confident air, he stopped behind the curtain and froze up. When his vision blurred, his legs gave out and he went tumbling to the ground, his palms scraping against the cheap thread carpet. His arms trembled violently while trying to keep himself up and he couldn't get enough air into his lungs. Through the pounding of his own pulse thudding in his ears, he heard startled voices, the sound of rushed footsteps approaching him. He kept his eyes closed and he felt himself drifting, he knew he'd pass out at any second and nothing was going to save him from it. Being so weak, so vulnerable, it had him tearing himself apart on the inside out of pent of frustration and the haunting intrusion of failure. He sobbed softly, his arms being the next part of him to give out.

Instead of his cheek grating against rough carpet from his face planting on the ground, Gerard's fall was stopped by arms reaching out for him and keeping him from doubling over. Gerard's tears rolled down his face and they felt thick with makeup, uncontrollably leaking, and he couldn't explain why he was crying so much. He didn't sob or wail incredibly loud, he didn't blubber, but he shuddered with silent sobs and the tears spilled from his eyes in hot trails. He fluttered his lids and caught a glimpse of frightened Frank gently shaking him, his lips moving with words Gerard couldn't hear or make out. Gerard nodded once as some sort of reassurance to him and that was the last of the strength he had.

He was aware of Frank picking him up and holding him in his arms, the people around him panicking from Gerard suddenly falling too ill to continue. His entire body was in pain - not normal physical pain, but it suffered from the need to consume everything he smelled. Cigarettes, alcohol, he remembered catching a glimpse of one of the models sniffing a line of coke before she went to prepare for the show. His veins felt tightly strung like the strings on an instrument, he was shaking with need and he was too drained to even keep his eyes open. Gerard wasn't sure if this would be his downfall or his saving grace.


	20. 'Don't Go" She Said

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Frank forces himself to do what he's been dreading all this time.

Frank gently laid Gerard's limp body onto the maroon sofa pressed against the wall in his dressing room. Coming in behind him were employees attending to Gerard and Brendon, he could also hear Lucinda speaking to someone in a voice higher pitched than usual due to her panic. The show continued on outside, the rest of the models pretending their star hadn't collapsed backstage without a reason to settle their worries. Gerard wasn't completely unconscious, but he was far gone, his eyes opening and closing and tiny groans slipped past his lips ever now and then. Frank felt frazzled by panic after watching Gerard collapse so suddenly backstage, the quietness of his cries going unheard until Frank immediately sank down by his limp body to help him. He could see sweat glistening above Gerard's top lip and his forehead, indicating that he pushed himself past his limit, and Frank felt impending guilt; he should have listened to his intuition and kept the model away from the show tonight, allowing him to rest to reach full recovery instead of grasping all of the progress he'd made and plunging it back to the beginning. He paid the consequence tonight, and as he squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, he wished he could turn time back to the evening they spent together yesterday to withdrawal the model from the show and spend more time with him.

Brendon placed his hand on Frank's shoulder to claim his attention. "What the hell happened out there?" His eyes were wide and circular, face pale as he assessed the state of Gerard, the slackened model whose head rolled side to side with little whimpers coming out of him. Frank gently stroked the side of his face to calm him, fighting not to relish in the way the man's cheek nuzzled into his hand like it was the only source of comfort to come to him all his life.

"Gerard's ill." Frank informed him. "Too ill to have done this, but he was unwilling to sacrifice the show. I knew something like this would happen, but I hoped it wouldn't be so bad."

"What's the matter with him?" Brendon sighed heavily and raked his hand through his slicked back hair. Stress radiated from him, but above all, he worried for the model who was partly his responsibility, and he'd failed to realize his sickly state. Frank couldn't blame him, Gerard was separated from Brendon throughout most of his recovery.

Frank bit his lip, wiping away the streaks of black mascara mixed with tears drops staining the porcelain appearance of Gerard's skin. Moments ago, he didn't dare explain to anyone the matters Gerard was going through privately, but at a time like this, he didn't have much of a choice. "Drug and alcohol withdrawals. This place reeks of both of them, he's only been clean for a week. I tried my best to keep him away from all the models who were drinking or on something, but most of them are."

Brendon fell silent, but the presence of shock was abundantly clear on his face. Frank nodded once, pursing his lips. He drew his gaze away as Evelyn came into view with her eyebrows creased and her face morphed into an expression of concern, holding out a bag full of ice wrapped with a paper towel out to Frank along with a water bottle clutched tightly in her other hand. Frank smiled gratefully at the considerate woman and quietly thanked her as he gathered the items.

"Is he alright? What on earth happened?" Evelyn placed her hand over her heart, peering down at Gerard with sadness beginning to gleam in her eyes.

"He's sick, he overworked himself." Frank simply explained to her the matter at hands, only slightly brushing past the truth in order to avoid swirling rumors. "He'll be okay, he isn't completely unconscious." He carefully pressed the ice compress against Gerard's forehead, dragging it down the side of his face to chase away the fever raging underneath his fragile flesh. Gerard whimpered quietly, shying away at first. Frank leaned down his lips were at level with his ear.

"It's to help cool you down, beautiful." He whispered only to the model. Gerard's lashes fluttered, lips parting slightly and closing again. He leaned into the compress, still unable to fully open his eyes.

Lucinda marched over to where Frank, Brendon and Evelyn were huddled around Gerard, her heels thunderously loud against the floor. "What in the world is going on here?" She placed her hand over her overly exposed cleavage, her light eyes wide as she drank in the sight of the sickly model meant to star in her fashion show.

"He's too sick to continue with this, Lucinda. I'm sorry, but we can't have him on his feet any time soon. You'll have to continue without him." Brendon straightened up and gestured to Gerard. Frank peered up at the woman, nodding in confirmation. He twisted open the lid of the water bottle, careful not to spill any of the precious liquid.

"We're sorry if this in an inconvenience to you, but he's done what he can. He put on an amazing show that I could tell he put his all into, having a little show is better than none at all." Frank wrapped his arm around Gerard's waist, attempting to haul the model into a proper sitting position. Gerard groaned, offering whatever little strength he harbored inside him to support some of his own weight and sit up against one of the pillows. Fixing him up, Frank brushed curl of red hair away from Gerard's eyes, hooking gentle fingers underneath his chin to lift his head that was rolling to the side. Gerard frowned, reaching out for Frank's hand.

"You're okay." Frank whispered to him, bringing to rim of the water bottle to his lips. Finally, Gerard opened his eyes the slightest bit, his gaze far away and the green color dulled from the illness flooding through him. He puckered his lips slightly and allowed Frank to tilt the bottle and let the water flow into his mouth steadily for him to swallow. As he slowly gulped, Frank was relieved to see he was able to drink without spilling or choking on the cool liquid. He weakly batted the bottle away when he'd had enough, slurring words involving how cold the water was.

"Jesus, should I dial a doctor?" Lucinda placed her hands on her wide hips, her expression the epitome of distress.

"That isn't necessary, we know what his condition is. He just needs to rest, he shouldn't have showed up here in the first place." Brendon shook his head.

"Evelyn, I'm going to need you to fix the order of those models and when you're finished, you'll be replacing Mr. Way. You tell hair and makeup that I sent out these orders. The show must go on." Lucinda turned on her heels and quickly exited the room, leaving a shocked Evelyn trailing behind her with her clipboard clutched tightly to her chest. Frank watched after them until they were completely out of view and he returned his full attention to Gerard. Seeing him so sickly, barely being able to stay awake, Frank couldn't have felt more guilty than he did in this moment. Many times, tears threatened to make their way out of his eyes in the form of crystal droplets, but he wouldn't permit them to expose the crippling intensity of emotions stirring in his gut like a tornado sweeping through a barren piece of land.

"How has it been going for him?" Brendon asked quietly.

"He's been doing amazing. I've tested him before, left the room for a moment to see if he would get up and try to relapse. He never did. He's really set his heart on this." Frank placed the cap to the lid on the bottle once again when the model took another sip of the water and pulled away from it again. Gerard licked his lips when a droplet of water stained his bottom lip, tilting his head back and resting it on the back of the couch.

Brendon sighed, rubbing the side of his face. "He's been an addict for so long. When I started working for him, he'd been popping pills every single day, and when he started doing the harder drugs, there was no way I could have helped him at that point. Thought he was a lost cause."

"He's right here." Gerard mumbled.

Frank pursed his lips to reel in a chuckle. Brendon rolled his eyes and ran his hands over his blazer to smooth out the wrinkles.

"I need to get out there and sort out some things with Lucinda. I'm not sure if Gerard's payment will be the entire promised total because of what happened tonight, it may be cut in half."

"Be careful. I don't trust that woman." Frank shivered visibly.

Brendon scoffed, opening the door so all the noises from outside infiltrated into the room. "I can be a snippy bitch, too." With that, he exited the dressing room and shut the door again so the room fell into silence. Frank sighed silently, rising from his position on the floor and sitting on the couch beside Gerard for better access to him. He felt Gerard's forehead, the blazing temperature playing dangerously under his skin, and he made a small noise of concern.

 _"God, baby, you really strained yourself_." Frank spoke in his head instead of letting the words filter past his lips. He took the ice pack and laid it over Gerard's forehead before he could lean in and press those betraying lips against it. His insides ached with the need to scoop Gerard into his arms and tenderly kiss every inch of his face with slow precision, whisper quiet phrases of sentiment to him until his sickness evaporated and his cheeks filled with healthy color. It would be awfully inappropriate, not to mention misleading, for the circumstance he was forced to meet tonight. He wasn't sure at all if he would be able to do it when Gerard lay sick, too weak to stand himself up. He was still dressed in a flashy gown, pink fabric the color of sweet strawberry cream wrapped around his darling pale skin, his hair taking on a bright contrast to the gentle color.

He was the most beautiful vision Frank had ever laid his sore eyes on. He hurt inside to look at him, knowing he shouldn't be permitted to view such brilliance when he was nothing but a filthy liar, sulking in his own guilt and uncertainty while the model danced in the moonlight with ribbons tied around his waist, celebrating a love that would be snatched away from him. Frank could assure himself that nothing about the way he loved Gerard was unreal, but he couldn't say that what they had was built on top of a lie destined to break the ground and rock through their world with a force mighty enough to split the floor they stood on and break them apart. Frank wasn't prepared for everything to be obliterated; to put it simply, he wasn't ready to lose Gerard. As selfish and twisted as it may have seemed, he wanted to keep Gerard, he couldn't imagine parting from him now that he'd fallen in love and was given the most vulnerable parts of him. He didn't deserve to know about how Gerard hurt inside, the root curving deep in his chest that was the cause of his pain, he certainly didn't deserve to be trusted enough to help nurse Gerard while he suffered through his illness.

After being tangled up into his forlorn thoughts for a few moments, Frank snapped back into reality when he saw movement out of the corner of his eye. He turned his head and watched Gerard slowly sit up straight, lifting his head and letting out a long sigh. His eyes fluttered open, one of his hands rising to his face to capture the bag of ice before it could fall into his lap.

"I feel like I've been dragged through a storm." Gerard groaned softly.

Frank's lips twitched with a ghost of a smile. "You sure as hell stirred one up out there. Everyone's panicking back here, but the crowd loved you."

"They always do." Gerard wrapped his fingers around the pack of ice and squeezed so the cubes began slowly melting under the heat of his hand. "No one noticed I was sick, so I guess I put on a good show for them all to paste onto their tabloids. That was the point of coming here, after all. Fucking vultures."

Frank held back a flinch from the last word the model uttered. "I believe I was the only person aware that something was wrong. I should have told them, maybe they wouldn't have pushed you so hard." The shame he felt for countless reasons bled through when he spoke.

Gerard shook his head with a slight smile, glancing at Frank from underneath his long lashes. "Work is work, there's no easy level to it. For this type of job, at least."

Frank couldn't argue with his point. Some may have thought it was too easy to look beautiful for a camera, flash a smile to the adoring crowd circling around them, but there was more to it that no person could imagine if they never lived behind the scenes. Fittings, rehearsal, judgment, everything tangled together in a vicious combination and it no longer became as simple as strutting down a stage in a beautiful gown.

"I shouldn't have let you go out there." Frank whispered, full of regret.

Gerard reached over and gently placed his hand on Frank's knee, squeezing lightly in a comforting manner. "None of this is your fault. It's no one's fault." His eyes, returning to their sparkling olive green shade, pleaded for Frank to believe him. Frank glanced all around Gerard's gorgeous face, the paleness of his skin and the smudged lipstick painted across his lips, the overall ruined cosmetics covering his features. Frank lifted his hand without thinking and pressed his thumb ever so gently against Gerard's bottom lip. He stroked the warm flesh and swiped away the thick lipstick following the shape of his small and pretty mouth, rubbing away the smeared remains that left a subtle stain on the usual pink of his lips. Gerard's eyes fluttered and Frank swore he was near to closing the gap in between them and molding their lips together for a kiss too tender for the heartbreak yet to consume the both of them. He wanted to close the distance and feel the model's lips on his own, but he couldn't while keeping in mind the cruel task he was put up to tonight. Frank inhaled sharply and stood up. He rubbed away the sticky cosmetic on a tissue ripped from the box full of them sitting on top of the vanity table just a few feet away from them.

"Are you alright?" Gerard asked softly, a bit confused by the abruptness of Frank's movements and the clear sign of stress showing in the line formed in between his thin eyebrows. He glanced at himself in the mirror, watching the color leave his face as quickly as it would come whenever he blushed. He caught a glimpse of Gerard's reflection in the mirror, his eyes traveling from the wide and glittery eyes staring at him to the graceful slope of his neck, a delicate curve Frank pressed his lips against during a night full of passion and shared desire. A night he'd never be able to relive, a curve he'd never have the chance to kiss again.

"I'll be fine." Frank took in a long breath the calm himself. His insides were a frenzy of nerves, his intestines roping together and his heart beating faster than the running legs of a cheetah. His mind frantically searched for a way to postpone breaking away from Gerard, but his deadline was today and tomorrow morning, he'd be receiving his payment and his freedom. The more Frank thought about it, he realized what a heavy price there was to pay for freedom, and even so, he would never truly be out of the grasp of guilt.

"Frank, could you come here?" Gerard patted the spot beside him and dropped his gaze down into his lap.

Frank hesitantly sank down onto the sofa, the cushion dipping lightly underneath his weight. Once he was fully seated, Gerard turned his body to the side so he faced Frank properly, smearing the remains of his makeup away from his face with a pack of makeup removal wipes he retrieved from the fold out table beside the couch. Frank waited, his body tense with anxious patience.

"I don't mean to pry, but . . . I just noticed you've been off lately." Gerard admitted once he was finished wiping away every bit of cosmetics covering his face. "I saw you crying before you left the room a few days ago, and you keep giving me this look, I don't know how to explain it."

Frank's breath hitched in his throat. Had he been so painfully obvious? Trying his best to conceal his mixed emotions over their fate seemed to not be enough if Gerard was bringing it up. He remembered laying Gerard down to sleep, softly kissing his flushed skin and feeling sadness overtake him when he realized settling the sleepy model's body into bed after a long day was something he wished he could do every night. Gerard was so beautiful, Frank could never bring himself to think otherwise, and he wished he could stay to curl his body beside the model's if only he'd wrap his arms around his waist and press their chests together before falling asleep in tender tandem. Tears broke through his façade and nothing he did could hold them back, so he let them fall, thinking Gerard was too far gone to notice.

"I'm only worried about you." Frank conjured up the most believable lie he could in a short span of seconds. If he hesitated any longer, Gerard would see through him like he was wrapped in only a thin layer of warped bubble wrap.

He should have known that no matter what he said or how convincing he sounded, Gerard would always have a sharper sense of intelligence and he could tell Frank was lying without looking too deeply into his eyes. Gerard's eyes narrowed slightly; not in an accusing manner, but one that shone with confusion.

"It's not just that." Gerard said softly. He bit his lip and his hand lifted away from his lap, sliding over the cushions underneath them until it made contact with Frank's hand. Gerard's fingers were cold, pale and reddened at the tips from the temperature coursing through him. Frank almost flinched under the touch, but his will was too weak to let him slide his hand out from underneath the gentle hold on him.

"Gerard . . ." Frank knew he couldn't postpone what needed to happen. He stalled just for a bit, wishing he didn't feel his skin crawl in spite of himself when Gerard's angelic touch held all the love in the world for him. He fought against that love, he did nothing to deserve it.

"You can tell me anything. I talk about myself way too much, I want to know what troubles you, I want to help someone other than my own self." Gerard insisted softly, fingers curling around Frank's. "You can come to me."

"I know." Frank slowly withdrew his hand, scooting an inch away. Gerard furrowed his eyebrows a bit, a tinge of hurt twinkling in his eyes. Frank swallowed hard. So soon, he hated that wounded look, and he wondered how he could manage going through with this if he knew that look would only transition into one of despair.

All was silent for a long drag of time until Gerard's voice fluttered into the room in a ghostly whisper. "I know I'm not a reliable person when it comes to asking for advice. If I were still the same drugged up asshole that I was weeks ago, I'd tell you to take a pill, get drunk, sleep with a stranger. I need you to know that I won't do that, I'll try my best to listen and help you if you're-"

"No, it's nothing anyone can help me with." Frank rose to his feet, his voice strained compared to the softness coating Gerard's. The model looked up at him in mild surprise, his lips parting. Frank raked his fingers through his hair, his scalp tingling.

"I needed to talk to you today," Frank explained slowly, struggling to keep himself away from breaking down. "But you got so sick, I don't want to make this day worse for you. I _can't_."

A bit bewildered, Gerard bit his lip, batting his eyelashes. "Then talk. I don't care if I'm here or in the hospital, I told you not to underestimate me."

Frank didn't underestimate Gerard. Anyone would know that something as big as this would break his heart as surely as the tides rising, Frank was already silently grieving over the pain he never intended to cause. None of this was meant to happen and he almost laughed wondering how they tangled themselves up into this mess of romance. It was beauty and flesh and words, no one could hypnotize Frank the way Gerard Way had.

"It's not something you'll take lightly." Frank warned him.

Gerard flinched back slowly, his teeth letting go of his bottom lip. His eyes were filled with confusion, but the longer Frank looked into them, he swore he saw fear trickle into the pools of olive green circled inside the whites of his wide eyes. Gerard waited, frozen in his spot, a curl of hair falling away from where it was held behind his head and brushing against his cheek. Pale, fragile, an antique beautiful enough to deserve a spot on a shelf - an array of lovely doll parts, porcelain skin broken from where it had fallen off the shelf multiple times and went crashing to the ground, having only itself to glue the pieces back together and climb back up. Frank's duty was to knock the doll off of its stand and let it break for good, the pieces free for others to dissect and brush into a sweeping pan before disposing it, lonesome and forgotten. Frank's entire body ached so badly, but nothing matched the pain in his heart.

He sank down onto his knees in front of Gerard, careful not to pin the smooth material of the man's dress to the ground. He reached out for Gerard's cold hands and took both of them into his own, tightly gripping them. Gerard's eyes rounded, drinking in the sight of Frank looking broken and pained in front of him.

"The last thing I ever wanted was to hurt you." Frank whispered. "I told myself I wouldn't, if could just work for you and pretend that I wasn't seeing the way you changed around me, but nothing is ever that simple. If anyone could do this and call it easy, then I'd gladly let them take my place here."

" _Frank_ . . ." Gerard breathed, distress working across his features.

Frank needed to lie, the truth was too hard and cold to let fall into the open. Frank's throat and chest physically burned, an internal hell filling him to the brim. He'd never come back from this, or forgive himself, and he didn't think anything could ever be as pain as pushing his love for Gerard into the fire to convince the model the words he spoke next were true.

"You became my best friend." Frank bowed his head, unable to look into Gerard's eyes anymore. "I care so much about you, I am so proud of everything you've done and the person you're turning out to be. But, Gerard, it's all for the wrong reason. You aren't doing this for yourself, you're doing it so you won't disappoint anyone anymore."

"You can't assume that." Gerard tried to speak strongly, but his voice cracked, just like his skin whenever someone took a blow at him. Frank bit his tongue when heat flashed over his face, a lump rising in his throat.

"You need to do this on your own if you're true to yourself as you claim." Frank looked up, up into Gerard's eyes shining with tears, the frantic puzzlement contorting his face. "I can only take you so far. Gerard . . .  I didn't mean to make you fall in love with me. Having your love is something I don't deserve and I certainly don't deserve to be a reason for you becoming sober. I can't . . . I can't keep pretending to feel something I don't."

Gerard shot up to his feet, yanking his hands away from Frank's. He whirled around and pointed to Frank, his chest rising and falling rapidly. "Don't you dare." His voice wobbled, threatening to break into millions of pieces. The color returning to his face drained immediately when he caught onto what Frank was saying.

Frank swallowed the hardest he could, trying to push down the lump rising up his throat as a warning for the tears he was too ashamed to shed in front of Gerard. He nearly choked on it. "I care about you. I love you, but not in the way you love me."

Frank never in his life witnessed the face of someone having their heart broken. He'd seen someone take a blow of an insult, someone being bullied, a person receiving bad news when only moments ago they were beaming. Frank never had the balls to look at himself in the mirror while planning out the unwanted task of breaking this off forever while ignoring the way his heart ripped itself apart and reached out for Gerard with bloody veins and chambers. Seeing it on the only person he'd truly fallen in love with, it felt like nothing else in the world could have been worse than what he'd just done.

Gerard was frozen where he stood, his lips parted and the words he was going to say getting stuck in his throat and coming out as a weak whine. Frank could hear how shaky his breathing was, like an earthquake was rattling inside his lungs and pushing the air out of his body before it had a chance to suffocate him. Tears fell down Gerard's face, his eyes locked in a staring match with Frank while lapping in their own horror. The two had nothing to say when the breath was chased away from their chests. Frank didn't think he should be allowed to say anything more for the rest of his life if it meant sparing Gerard all the pain in the world. If Frank felt filthy before, he couldn't begin to comprehend how he would handle feeling this disgusting when he set to leave the state tomorrow.

"That can't be right." Gerard's voice was the smallest it had ever been. He shook his head back and forth, pointing one shaky finger at Frank. "You wouldn't fucking do that to me, not when you know that I've never . . ."

Frank pleaded him with his eyes to stop hurting himself this way. Gerard was scrambling for a way to escape this, shove away the ugly truth and find an explanation for everything Frank said to him. He would find nothing, only dig himself a grave, and Frank struggled every millisecond not to cross the distance between them and kiss Gerard with the passion of a blazing fire, tell him everything was going to be alright, and nothing would hurt him ever again. In reality, he didn't move, he didn't speak, and he was the most powerless man to ever walk the earth.

"I wish I could tell you it isn't the truth, but I can't keep doing this knowing it'll get worse every day." Frank turned his gaze away. "I'm quitting tonight. I'm leaving tomorrow morning so I'll be out of your life for good. I've been slowly packing my things this week, mostly when you were asleep."

Gerard's breath hitched loudly. "Frank Iero, tell me this is some kind of sick joke you're playing. I won't laugh, I won't think it's funny, but it's better than you telling me this is real." Gerard stalked forward, desperately grasping Frank's sleeve. Frank pulled away, pain lashing at his heart.

"Please, Gerard, you're only making this harder for yourself."

"No!" Gerard spoke loudly and stunned Frank into silence. He was a mess of tears and colorful eyes blazing with pain, burning into Frank's skin. "I told you everything. I trusted you with my love, my past, _everything_. If it was too much, I would have talked about anything else as long as it kept you around! I would have changed, I . . ."

Frank turned around slowly. Gerard shook his head back and forth in denial and let it fall against Frank's shoulder, hot tears cascading onto his shirt and soaking through the fabric rapidly. Frank remembered all the times he let Gerard cry and scream be ill in front of him, seeing every shade of pain locked away in his heart. Even now, as they fell apart, he was still there for him, letting his tears sink under his skin and bruise his insides. He imagined he liked the pain now that he deserved it.

"I never would have asked you to change for me. I love you as you are, even if it isn't the way you want me to love you, the way I wish I could love you." Frank sucked in a shaky breath through his teeth. He took Gerard's shoulders and stepped away from the model, watching the model lift his head and silently beg him not to let go. The lips he'd indulged in so many times trembled and a single crystalline tear dripped onto them.

"You're all I have." Gerard whimpered quietly.

"You're all you have." Frank brushed a stray curl away from Gerard's face, fingers shaking. "You had the ability to heal yourself all along, I'm only the shove you needed to move forward. You can't depend on me, Gerard. I'm not worth it."

Gerard grasped Frank's hand quickly. With glittering eyes, he pressed Frank's palm against the side of his face, warm and wet with tears, and his fragile hold was as cold as flesh being held underneath a bank of snow for far too long. Frank wavered, swayed, the last intact piece of him bending and breaking.He closed the gap in between them and kissed Gerard. Their lips were soft and trembling while pressed together and Gerard's lips were much more frantic compared to the sweetness Frank let drip into the kiss. It tasted of tears and bitterness, the two of them felt love inside them slowly rotting until it became something horrendous to feel and too out of reach for them to run after. Frank told himself earlier he would leave nothing but words behind, but a kiss was something he needed to keep himself from going insane and cutting himself open to show Gerard what a filthy liar he was. Gerard held onto him tightly, unwilling to let go. Frank he wished he never would, that the world could evaporate around them to let them be in love without the ugliness of the truth tearing them apart. Frank wanted to keep the feeling of Gerard's lips forever.

It needed to end. If he continued now, he'd never be able to stop tasting, touching, he'd catch himself telling him he didn't mean anything he said and that he was so in love with Gerard that it felt like a blade twisting at the center of his heart. If the model didn't know it, then he would certainly feel it, and Frank would become the worst liar there ever was. He inhaled an agonizing breath as Gerard's lips parted against his, desperate for more. Frank pulled away, prying Gerard's hands from him and turning his face away when his lips aimed for his mouth again. Instead, they pressed a warm kiss to Frank's cheek, moving down until many kisses were being planted onto his jaw. Frank's chest shattered completely and caved in, he wanted to fall onto his knees and weep as these loving kisses spread along his skin.

"Stop." Frank demanded weakly. Gerard froze, whimpering. Frank wanted more. More of the sweetness dripping from his lips, the gentle touches his delicate hands gave him, the soothing sound of his voice telling Frank he didn't need to run away. Nothing was meant to be so perfect.

Gerard's eyes were frozen and pained. "Don't go." He said.

With nothing left to give, Frank left the dressing room, left the love of his life behind, and he swore he left a trail of ashes behind him from the way he burned inside. Every step of the way was a step he was unwilling to take, but with the damage done, there was nothing left for him to do but move forward and let himself fade into oblivion.


	21. Betrayal Has Consequence

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Neither one of the pair can find it in themselves to forgive Frank for what he's done.

Menacingly slowly, the days passed by Frank in a dizzying blur he couldn't escape. If he had the opportunity to freeze time or reverse it, he would in a heartbeat. Unfortunately, there was no such thing as time travel, and all he could do was sit back and bite his nails to bloody stubs, waiting for the worst to happen. Back in his apartment, it was much too quiet and empty. Unpacked luggage sat around and his furniture collected dust, he couldn't find it in himself to cook himself anything, so as a result, take out containers from the past week loitered the place. He kept stepping under the scalding spray of the shower in hopes of getting the invisible filth off himself, the grime of a liar. Frank couldn't meet his eyes in the mirror, but somehow, he knew they were bloodshot from the lack of sleep.

When he allowed himself to sleep, he kept seeing Gerard's heartbroken expression and tearful eyes haunting him, the soft sound of his voice pleading him not to leave. Frank wouldn't be able to shove it out of his brain when it was burned there, a constant reminder of the cruel deed he took part in. He regret it, he regret everything, but he couldn't stop driving himself insane with the tiny, nagging voice in the back of his head telling him if he stayed, Gerard would quickly grow bored and want something more than only his assistant who was painfully inexperienced compared to the people he'd taken for himself in the past. Frank couldn't escape the scathing article either, knowing that Gerard would figure out who gathered the information for it in a single glance even if Frank never told him the truth.

It was never in the cards for Frank to fall in love. He would call himself a fool for the rest of his life for letting someone so precious fall so deeply for him and also allowing himself to open his heart, leaving it vulnerable so the model may make himself a home inside of it. His heart was nothing but a hollow, empty host without the comfort of Gerard taking shelter inside of it, the steady beat echoing in the void of his chest. Frank felt no pain, nothing tore into his flesh, but he was surrounded by the iciness of pure numbness. Too weak to keep a grip on a glass cup, too hollow to pick up his guitar and strum at the strings. A poor excuse of a man holing himself up in his apartment and waiting for the wretched day the article would be published and everyone would discover the truth, the truth that became the past, and the truth that was never genuine at all. Gerard was not in love with drugs and alcohol, he was in love with escaping what he felt.

Marina paid Frank everything he was promised and more after he completed his two months of working undercover. Immediately after the payment, Frank quit his job and turned his back on the building, the crooked woman running the business, and vowed to never look back for as long as he lived. The check felt too heavy in his pocket, and although he wished he could burn it, he knew it was what he needed if he planned on becoming successful. Although becoming a musician was always his dream, something else came and took its place, something he could never have again as long as the magazine was published. He wasn't sure if he could go through with moving away anymore, everything around him looked completely different and incredibly monotone ever since the only vibrant color in his life was taken away. He had no one but himself to blame for it.

Days later, leaking into present time, Frank held the one thing he despised the most in his shaking hands. The light reflected off the glossy cover holding images of Gerard no one would expect to see on a normal day, it differed so intensely from the photographs of the model strutting confidently down a stage with the glow of an angel wrapped around him like a permanent aura. The images he'd snapped of the man were far from flattering and nothing hollowed him out more than the knowledge that the world must have been reading it already, drinking in the shocking information and turning their backs on him. The title was written in bold red letters, the text inside filled up page after page of invasive information, followed by the videos posted on the social media of the company. Looking at it through his phone, he watched as thousands of people began to share the humiliating footage, making comments explaining how disgusted they were, how they expected more from someone they once looked up to. People defended Gerard, but their sympathy was swallowed whole by the hate circulating all across the face of the internet. Frank was doubled over by multiple tiny panic attacks when he found himself being credited as the source of the videos and photographs, his name exploited on every single platform known to man along with Gerard's. Their names swirled together like a hurricane, the most vial duo Frank had ever seen.

Ripping through the magazine, Frank was nauseous. Pictures of obscenities Gerard took part in were pasted all across the pages, bold writing explaining his long term relationship with drugs and alcohol. Marina went so far as to assume Gerard was addicted to sex and plastered it onto the article to draw people in, spreading information about his multiple affairs and his shameless search for sex in the dead of night. His eating disorder was so invasively discussed, followed by a picture of his body stretched out as he reached up to access a high cabinet in his house, and the skin tightened over his skinny frame, the bones protruding so horrendously that anyone would not be surprised if he bruised the inside of himself in the process. The text exposed his habit of sleeping with his employees, the tale Frank heard about what happened with Gerard's previous assistant Lindsey, all of it was leaked for the prying eyes of society to pick apart until Gerard was no longer considered a human, but a destructive unfeeling being for them to lose faith in. Frank witnessed many words being said in the name of Gerard as he scrolled endlessly through his phone.

_Slut, whore, addict, sexual abuser, vulgar, pathetic, dirty._

Frank couldn't take any more of it. Despite most of the information being the cold truth, Gerard was neither of the awful words he drank in, he was only as human as everyone else was; troublesome flesh and blood that needed guidance or else it would fail to fend for itself. Looking at the bottom of the pages, his name was written as a source and a loyal employee who was given credit in helping put together the article. His stomach swooped down low, the mention of himself feeling like a wrongful accusation, but he had nothing to defend himself with when he handed everything to his boss and truly deserved to be put upon the highest shelf of a case of shame. He could imagine Marina smiling and chuckling as she typed every word, placed the images, a smirk curling onto her lips while she edited Frank's name into the article for everyone to become aware of. Through all the hate he may have harbored for her, he had no one but himself to blame for the downfall of the world's beloved model, _his_ beloved model.

Frank took the magazine in a sudden swell of anger and ripped the pages out. His fingers stung from the thin paper slicing into his skin when the sides slid across it, but he continued to bunch the pages between his fingertips and tear them apart, the remains fluttering like confetti to the floor. Tears blinded his vision and dripped onto the falling debris, his hands hastily ridding of every last word until not even the most inventive person could pick up the pieces and paste them together again. Frank took the carcass of the magazine and stalked over to the fireplace built into the wall. Opening the metal doors, he tossed the ruined pages inside, the cover facing upwards so the eyes of Gerard Way watched his every move. Thrusting open one of his kitchen drawers, he rummaged through the takeout menus and battery packs, leaving smudges of blood in his wake, until he found a lighter laying abandoned and pushed towards the back. Grasping it tightly, he made his way back to the fireplace. Frank took one last glance at the front page and the mocking title colored onto it.

' **Gerard Way; What He's Been Keeping From Us All'.**

Without a second glance, Frank clicked on the button of the lighter until a flame ignited and he bent down, touching the pages with the fire until it caught it. Shutting the metal doors to the fireplace, Frank watched through a haze of tears as the magazine caught fire and the flames licked over the surface it, slowly turning the bright colors into a pitch black, the pages curling in on themselves. Watching them burn may have been satisfying for just a fleeting moment, but Frank knew he couldn't burn every single copy in the world. Someone out there was grasping the magazine in their hands and flipping the pages, their lips shaping around the words, followed by their fingers scrolling through their phones and sharing their opinion on the horrible things they'd read. He couldn't imagine how Gerard would react without feeling sick to his stomach.

Frank sank down onto the couch in defeat. He felt like a pile of skin and grated bones, a weak heart dripping with blood from the pain finally setting in after remaining numb for so long. The harsh, uneven throbs of hurt radiated through his chest, but not once did he wince. He let it take over him and some part of him told him he had no right to feel pain when he ruined someone he claimed to love. He was the worst excuse for a lover, a friend, and nothing he could do would ever repay for something so horrible. Frank stared into the fire until his eyes burned from neglecting the task of blinking. The magazine was showered in flames until it became a pile of ash sitting at the bottom of the pit. When the orange fiery lights began to weaken and fade away, Frank realized how similar he was to the fire. Destructive, but not undefeatable, and they both turned into nothing at the end of the day. A pitiful pile of ashes and smoke for someone to sweep away.

Frank wasn't sure how long he sat there and watched the fire down until he was startled by the sound of his phone vibrating loudly beside him. Flinching, Frank looked down at the device and read the name flashing cross the screen. His blood chilled when he realized it was Brendon calling. Shakily, Frank picked up the phone, swiping the answer option and pressing it to his ear.

"Brendon?" He breathed.

"I sure hope you're happy with yourself, Iero." Brendon's voice was eerily steady, calm and intimidating in the way he let none of his anger show through. Frank swallowed thickly, his stomach flipping.

"You read it." Frank whispered.

" _He_ read it." Brendon corrected him sharply. "You completely exploited everything he fought so hard to keep concealed from the public eye, like it was nothing but a good story for you to make your money off of. Well, congratulations, Frank. I don't know how he'll come back from this."

Frank shakily dug his nails into his thigh, tears filling his vision. "I know it was wrong. But I did love him, if I had a choice, I wouldn't have let any of this happen."

"There's always a fucking choice." Brendon snapped, making Frank shut his mouth. "I don't want to know what selfish reason you have to explain all of this, but I don't want to hear any of it."

"Please, Brendon, just take care of him." Frank whispered brokenly.

"Who do you think has been picking up the pieces?" Brendon huffed. "I swear to god, if you ever come near my client again, you will have charges pressed against you."

Frank opened his mouth to respond, but he was cut off by a shrill cry on the other end, something that seemed to echo through the house.

"Brendon!" Gerard cried out. Frank heard him clear enough to process the desperation coloring his tone, pain an underlying note that made Frank freeze up all over.

"Shit." Brendon hissed. Suddenly, the line went dead and Frank still held the phone against his ear for many moments. He heard Gerard's voice ringing through his head, echoing in his brain, the cry of someone who needed help.

Frank shot up from his seat, pacing back and forth in the small pace between the coffee table and the couch. He pulled at his hair, anxiousness eating away at his insides until he thought he was going to vomit. When he was notified of a call back an hour later, he was sat on the floor, his knees drawn to his chest and fingers bandaged from the multiple paper cuts he'd given himself. He fumbled for his phone, almost dropping it in the process.

"Hello?" His voice was raw.

"Are you proud of yourself now?" Brendon's cold, leveled voice filled Frank's ear, making him shrink back.

"What?"

Brendon sighed deeply, swearing under his breath. "Gerard overdosed, you son of a bitch. I'm at the hospital, they took him in already and I'm waiting for news. He threw up what he took, but I brought him in because I don't even know how much he had."

Nothing seemed real. Frank couldn't feel his hands, his face, or the rest of his body. All the color in the world drained away rapidly and all Frank was able to do was remain frozen in his spot. He couldn't process what he'd just been told, not now and not possibly ever.

"He . . . tried to . . ." Frank choked out.

"I don't know." Brendon dropped his patronizing tone and let defeat take over him for a moment. "But whatever the hell just happened, it was because of that damned article."

Frank blindly slammed his hand on the table in front of him and hoisted himself up. He stumbled over to where he kept his keys on the counter, clutching them tightly.

"I know you both must hate me right now, but _please_ , I need to see him." Frank couldn't find it in him to flinch at the metal tip of his key pressing right against one of his cuts.

"Seeing you will make him feel worse."

"Brendon, I fucked up beyond repair," Frank shut his eyes. "I took up the job thinking I would only need to get shit done and leave, but I was stupid for thinking I could work for someone as amazing as him and feel nothing at all. It's hard to believe at this point, but I'm so fucking in love with him that I'm willing to have him slap and spit on me as long as it means I get to see him alive."

Brendon fell silent for an excruciating and exactly twenty second long silence after Frank's passionate outburst. Frank clutched his keys tight in his hand, trying to get his panicked breathing under control.

"He's at Saint Mary's Hospital." Brendon begrudgingly gave in. "Do you know where that is?"

Frank deflated, flinging himself towards the door and clumsily unlocking it. "Yes, thank you."

"Don't be surprised if I punch you." Brendon's tone was low and warning.

"I deserve it."

 

 

Frank picked up a bouquet of lilies at the gift shop of the hospital. The air smelled of chemicals and strong medicine, the scent of cleaning products making his nose sting after smelling too much of it. When he saw Brendon, the man did not punch him as he hinted he might, but he gave Frank the cold shoulder and spoke to him shortly, his eyes holding no emotion whenever he looked at him. Frank wasn't bothered by any of it, knowing he needed to take every single glare he received as well as he could because he deserved it. Frank waited in the waiting section with Brendon, anxiously checking his phone for the time every few minutes much to Brendon's irritation.

When they finally received an update on Gerard's state, hours had passed and the sun disappeared under the horizon. The doctor caring for the model was a man with wild light colored curls and friendly eyes, greeting Frank and Brendon in the waiting room and thanking them for their patience. Reading his ID card clipped onto the lapel of his white coat, Frank discovered his name was Dr. Toro.

"I'd like to say, first off, that Mr. Way is fine." Dr. Toro started, much to Frank and Brendon's relief. "We had him intake some activated charcoal, it's a substance commonly used in victims of an overdose to absorb whatever drugs may be affecting his insides. We also have him hooked to an IV to help chase out the substances as soon as possible."

"Thank god." Brendon mumbled, rubbing his temples.

Dr. Toro nodded. "It was smart to have him vomit before you sent him here, it makes the process of taking everything out of him quicker." The doctor looked down at his clipboard with a sigh, flipping over the page. "Since we aren't sure whether this was a suicide attempt or a purely accidental, we've moved him to the psychiatric ward for the night."

Frank flinched slightly at the mention of suicide and Brendon's eyes went wide for another reason.

"Isn't it a bit extreme to place him there?"

The doctor pursed his lips. "We need to test his mental stability and see if we should send him to a psychiatrist, this is something we need to do for all of our patients who overdose."

"Can we see him?" Frank asked, hoping he didn't sound rude in the way he blurted out the words so suddenly. He was a bouncing bundle of anxiety fueled nerves, he didn't think he could wait any longer.

"Of course, Mr. Way has actually requested to see one of you. Brendon Urie?" He raised his eyebrow.

"That would be me." Brendon waggled his fingers. "This here is Gerard's . . . assistant." Frank could sense the way he tensed, his jaw flexing when he spat out something that was only the truth before Frank left.

Dr. Toro sensed the stiffness between them, but made no remarks. "I see. Both of you may follow me, the unit is at the far end of the hospital."

Frank felt like he couldn't walk fast enough while following the doctor down the multiple hallways illuminated by fluorescent lighting. He could hear the cries of new born babies, the groan and moans of ill patients, the low speaking voices between the nurses and doctors they passed by on the way. Entering the ward was like entering a completely different hospital. The colors were brighter to bring cheerfulness in a place full of gloom, but the lightinh was dimmer to keep sensitive eyes from stinging whenever they opened. Gerard was assigned a private room due to his higher class, which seemed a bit wrong in Frank's eyes, but he didn't have room to comment on the wrong doings of other.

Dr. Toro opened the light colored door and peered inside, being the first to step in and smile brightly at the person his eyes were fixed on. "Mr. Way, I've brought your friend with me. And another, he would like to see you." He turned his head and gestured for the two men to enter.

Frank walked in the shadow of Brendon first, too ashamed to show his face while knowing he was the sole reason why Gerard was sitting in a hospital ward in the first place. His shaking hands clutched the flowers he bought for the model, the white lilies trembling along with the vibration of his body.

"I'm going to apologize in advance, I really didn't want him to come but he clearly has plenty to say." Brendon held his hands up, looking at Gerard. Then, he stepped away and revealed the man hiding behind him.

Frank froze up when he saw Gerard sitting in a hospital body only a few feet away from him. The model looked incredibly small while dressed in a hospital gown, sitting up against a pile of pillows with a needle in his arm and some type of fluid flowing into him. His skin was almost as white as the sheets going up to his waist, his red hair faded and taking on an orange-like shade. Frank had seen the model in a fragile state before, his body as breakable as glass whenever he shed his skin and succumbed to the misery tucked away in his mind. None of those times could compare to the way he looked now, alienated from society and being fed medicine to keep him alive. Gerard turned pale as a ghost when his eyes, dully curious at first, landed on Frank.

Immediately, his irises froze over and they were filled with cold, piercing hatred.

"Brendon, are you fucking serious?" He hissed.

The doctor turned away from his laptop and took in the scene with concern wrinkling his brow. "I'm sorry, is this going to be a problem?"

Gerard opened his mouth to spit out a reply, but Frank pleaded him to stop with a gesture of his hand.

"Please, Gerard, I have so much explaining to do. You need to know the truth about everything." Frank pleaded softly, his voice trembling as much as his hands did.

Gerard's stare broke through the cold and turned into fiery pits burning into Frank's head. He could see them roaming over his entire face, landing on his own gaze and watching it until some part of him softened the slightest bit. Gerard tightened his jaw and looked away, his fist curling around a bunched up piece of the blanket.

"Can I speak to him in private?" Gerard glanced at Brendon and the doctor.

Dr. Toro nodded, collecting his clipboard and a file sitting on the counter. "Of course. The button for the nurse is right beside you, press it if you need it."

"And if he says anything stupid, tell me so I can kick his ass." Brendon crossed his arms across his chest and gaze Frank a strict glare before he left the room with the doctor and the door was shut behind them.

Frank breathed in shakily, turning away from the door. He set the lilies down on the counter and decided now wouldn't be appropriate to give Gerard flowers like the only thing happening between them was a petty argument that could be settled with a cheap piece of sentiment.

"You most likely don't want to see me right now." Frank said. Gerard scoffed, shaking his head slowly in disbelief. He realized his sentence was a petty understatement to the way the model must have felt now.

Frank licked his dry lips. "I know you read the magazine."

Gerard gave him a look that could easily cut him into pieces, eyes as sharp as a brand new blade. "Of course I did. So did the rest of the world, it's all over the internet and everyone's giving their unwanted opinions."

Frank winced. "I know. Fuck, I know."

Gerard looked like he might erupt from anger and other pent up emotion, his eyes as violent as the dancing flames Frank witnessed earlier. "Everything I kept private, every single thing I've been ashamed of, it's not mine anymore. It's theirs, and now I'm nothing but a . . ." Gerard choked up, his true expression crumbling the one protecting his inner emotion. "An addict whore with no respect for my own self."

The words were like razor blades slicing into Frank's skin. "That's not who you are."

"Sure I am." Gerard spoke so bitterly. "You got all your facts correct. I take pills and get drunk all the time, I sneak out a lot to sleep with people I pretend to remember the next morning, and I'm as close as possible to being a sex addict. I couldn't even stay clean because I'm such a miserable piece of shit."

Frank's heart squeezed painfully. "Stop."

Gerard raised his eyebrows high, tears filling his eyes despite the hard lines of his face. "Stop? I'm only summing up what you and your team wrote about me."

"I never wanted it to be this way," Frank quietly cried. "If you would just listen to what I have to say, then maybe everything would make a little more sense to you."

"How can anything you say save you from this?" Gerard shot at him, sitting up higher in the bed. "I see everything clearly now. You used me for profit."

Frank frantically shook his head. "No, I . . ." Frank meant to argue, fight against the words Gerard spoke. But settling into him was the chilling knowledge that he wasn't wrong. That was the reason why they were tangled into such a heavy mess.

Gerard slowly shook his head at Frank, eyes teary and narrowed as he looked upon him with pure sadness and disgust clearly shaping his expression. "Who are you?"

Frank sucked in a shaky breath. The question was challenging, nothing Frank could say would help him crawl out of the hole he dug for himself. He rubbed his sweaty palms against his jeans, struggling to keep his voice from wobbling when he spoke again.

"My name is Frank Iero," He began. "I'm twenty six years old and I'm a former employee of Marina Diamandis, the head of Doll Parts magazine."

Gerard's eyes ignited with outrage, but he didn't make any comment.

"Marina had a plan to be the first magazine to discover what the most popular model in the world was shielding from the media. To fulfill this task, she . . . she would send one of her employees, undercover, to get the job opening for being his personal assistant. That way, the employee would have access to his home, his trust, and his secrets." Frank swallowed thickly. "That employee was me, but not by choice. She baited me. Told me I would receive a pay large enough to help me get my life started in New York so I could work on a real music career, my lifelong dream. I thought I could work for you and feel nothing at all, do my job and turn it all in so I could finally leave California. But, Gerard . . . that was fucking impossible."

Gerard looked away, his eyes glistening with all of the hurting he felt inside. The color inside of them was dull and shaded, unlike their normal sparkling green Frank always admired even before he knew him personally. Frank slowly took a few steps forward. Gerard whirled his head around and shot him a warning glace.

Frank paused his steps. Wringing his hands, he filled his lungs with a large breath. "I took the job thinking you were obscene, a shameless personality and a beautiful face to match. The longer I worked for you, the more I saw, and it scared me to fucking death when I started feeling affection for the pieces of you that you showed me."

"Frank." Gerard croaked, squeezing his eyes shut.

Frank moved forward. "I kept collecting information about you, thinking it was a passing infatuation. Who could resist attraction for someone like you? When you started seeing Evelyn, I was relieved. I thought maybe I could move on and do what I needed to do. Again, it was impossible. I kept fighting with myself, but I kept giving into you until I couldn't fight anymore and I fell so god damn hard for you."

Gerard whimpered, turning his face away. Frank stood at the side of his bed, his shredded up heart pounding so quickly in his chest he thought it might break his ribs.

"When we had sex that night, when I finally gave in, it made me realize that I couldn't hurt you, I didn't want anything to hurt you." Frank gulped, knowing the worst part was coming. "I tried to quit. Marina wouldn't let me. She scared me into staying, telling me that if I stayed with you, then you'd grow bored of me and you'd fall into your old habits of sneaking away for sex again."

Gerard's head snapped up, hurt radiating from his entire figure. "You really thought I'd fucking betray you like that?"

Frank winced. "I didn't know. Two months, that was the time we spent with each other and it was too quick for us to fall in love and know every single thing about each other. She made me insecure, so I made the idiotic choice of staying. It grew harder every day to pretend everything was fine when I'd already planned when I needed to leave you, how I'd convince you that I couldn't stay any longer."

Frank wanted to reach out for Gerard's hand, gently skim his thumb along the silky skin covering the back of it. He did no such thing, sensing the latter would erupt if he touched him. "Lying to you was the hardest thing I've ever had to know, especially while knowing you had changed and you were trying your best to be a better person."

Gerard's lashes glistened with tiny dewdrops formed by tears. He turned his eyes onto Frank, staring into his face with disbelief coloring his face a pale shade. Underneath it all, Frank could see the pain stirring, pain he caused, and that was the only thing that made them similar in that moment; their pain was a mirror image from one another.

"You allowed me to trust you enough to allow you to live in my home with me." Gerard said, low and dark. "You knew I trusted you, you knew I shut everyone out, and you saw with your own two eyes when I started to fall for you. You let all of this shit happen while you were plotting to exploit me so disgustingly for your own benefit. You're a coward for letting Marina manipulate you into believing that I would grow bored of you even though you knew I'd never loved anyone in my entire life."

"Gerard." Frank's voice was scratchy and his throat was tight.

"You're disgusting." Gerard spat. "You're just like the rest of them, vultures looking for scraps to make a living for themselves. You took everything I had and threw it back in my face. I hope you get to live the life you want now that your job is done here. My life is no longer mine, so you don't have to wish the same for me."

Each word was a bullet imbedding itself into Frank's skin. He was too pained to move and pull them out, a majority of him believed he should keep them there as a reminder of the sickening thing he'd done to someone he didn't deserve to say he loved. Love was not about deceit, nor was it about taking advantage of trust, he wasn't sure if he could call it love at all after all the damage he caused. He opened and closed his mouth, not finding words to say that would satisfy Gerard enough to take all the pain away from him. He glanced into Gerard's eyes again and realized something vitally important – nothing could take away such an immense level of hurt.

Gerard scraped his nails over the sheet covering his legs and drew it up to his chest. "Get out, Frank."

Shock resonated in Frank's stomach at the demand. He was suddenly filled with an unidentifiable form of franticness, his insides tangling together. "But I – I can't leave you knowing that –''

"Get out or I swear to god, I will press this button and have security drag you out." Gerard cried, snatching a remote with a single red button attached to it. Thick tears rolled down his face and his thumb was poised over the nurse button, waiting to press it down if Frank didn't leave him be.

Taking the lash at him, Frank stepped away from Gerard. He wouldn't cry, he wouldn't beg to stay and pitifully attempt to obtain the model's forgiveness. Frank should have known saying anything at all was the worst he could do when everything in itself was plain and simple. Frank lied, took advantage of Gerard, and left him behind.

"I'll go." Frank took the lilies sitting on the counter, carefully setting them on the chair closest to Gerard's bed. Swallowing down the lump in his throat, Frank turned his back on the weeping love of his life whose quieted sobs ripped into his chest like the claws of an animal. He opened the door, the metal knob cold against his sweating palm.

He paused, glancing one more time at the broken doll so small hidden under hospital sheets. "I may have lied about all the rest. But I never once lied about loving you."

Then he left, quickly making his way through the many halls, hoping the smell of the hospital and the feeling of filth would wash away before he was consumed entirely by it.


	22. End of an Era

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The first part comes to a close, awaiting for a new beginning to rise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is a poetic sort of summary with details about the aftermath-stay tuned for notes at the end announcing the sequel!

The world was truly made a cruel place once human beings discovered that the flesh bringing our bodies together is a carrier of many flaws that separate us from one another. A feature one finds unique about themselves is torn apart until it is only an ugly apparition to one individual and the one who finds beauty in it is silenced and shunned by the humans unable to open their minds. While beauty seems to be the world's fuel alongside war and violence, the pureness of a human's heart is tragically tarnished beyond recognition while this hideousness intoxicates us all and we choke on the fumes of our unforeseen downfall. Our downfall is us, each and every individual is a danger to themselves, and it is the sole reason why our mistakes haunt us forever until they follow us to our deathbeds. Hate turns us all into monsters, envy molds our skin into plastic, jealousy being one of the main reasons why our shallow hearts thirst for blood.

In an era where technology and rumors speak for everyone, we fall victim to the magnetic pull of our devices where knowing the full truth is impossible when words are twisted so horribly that the victim is labeled a liar when speaking the truth. We see nothing but ugliness, the beauty being shadowed by the brilliant black light making an eclipse on the things that truly matter. Once we learn the truth about someone we loved, we turn our backs on them without a second thought, shunning them into the darkest corners of the world for them to rot and be forgotten. If it rises that the truth was never the truth at all, we suddenly return all of our love to their weakened arms and open our hearts to the person we locked out.

For some, the truth will never be found. They will forever be buried in the black mold brought to them by the media, the twisted details being streamed onto the internet and tossed around until no mercy comes to them and their ability to speak is shot down - they all believe the lie until the lie is the only truth and all else is denied.

We have made celebrities into creatures made for our entertainment. One flaw is all it takes for them to receive the backlash of society's sharp tongue, one button on social media for their reputation to be tarnished and burned at the stake. She glorifies eating disorders with her sickeningly skinny frame and pallid skin tone. He is disgusting for sleeping with her one drunken night after an agonizing fight with the woman he loves. They are obscene, trashy people until you hear that they were invaded as children, bruised and abused so their future warps and they become what they've been told they are; a whore, a faggot desperate for sex, a school shooter sitting too quietly at the back of the classroom. One glance and one person is all it takes for the world to form an opinion about an individual we know nothing about.

Models have been turned into aliens. Tall, lean creatures draped in the finest fabric to please our eyes, wearing the clothes we crave to have on our backs, slowly starving and taking what they can to keep them on the brink of sanity at the very least. Pushed, pulled, tugged, being banished if one pound crosses the weight limit invisibly set for them. A scar, a battle of sexual assault and the coping coming with it, models will be thrown to the wolves if one flaw becomes obvious and they are no longer physical illustrations of perfection. They are touched behind the scenes, their screams buried by scandal and blackmail. They are degraded to trick them into trying harder each and every time to be the epitome of beauty and grace until all of the harsh words being shoved into their brains make a permanent home inside of them and they will never forget the amount of times they were labeled a slut, a hopeless addict, a person too easy to rid of the day one wrinkle forms on their skin. All broken smiles and wine glasses full of diamonds, we do to them what we do to all the rest. Consume and break if one mistake rises to the knowledge of the public. What a sick world we are, soaking in everything until there's nothing left of what we are abusing.

The model with hair as red of fire rippling over a violent trail of blood falls into a pit of savages prepared to rip him apart. As they tear into his alabaster skin and reveal his secrets, he joins the rest of the forsaken group whose mistakes have become inexcusable and never to be forgiven. His past will forever keep him trapped in a purgatory along with the others, his name never to be mentioned again without someone spitting in disgust. Rumors and dark humor began to spread of the once beloved model being filthy with sexually transmitted diseases, some teasing that if they so much as spread their legs, he would take the offer. An addict, a whore, a failure, disgusting for using his workers. Pitied too little for anyone to see the light, Gerard Way was nothing but a name to be laid to rest in a rotting graveyard where the rest of the forgotten stayed.

The truth of his story will be forgotten as the rest of the stories of the world are. No one would ever come to learn about the filthy hands reaching in between his legs while another clasped over his mouth to keep him quiet. The smell of smoke intoxicating his lungs until he was pushed over the edge to try it, chase the memory of being groped and used out of his head. His childhood which he lost, the patches of his memory falling dark as the drugs affected him eternally. Everything was buried by the blackness of his drug influenced mistakes, his liquor infested trips and nights gone by in a blur of sex with a person he could not remember. A heart broken by the only person he allowed himself to fall in love with, the same person who threw him into the flames for him to be devoured and pulled apart.

Gerard, in a desperate need to forget and erase the past, snipped away at his evergrowing red locks, painting his matted strands of hair a color dark enough to blend into the night. He burned his chiffon gowns, keeping only the most precious items of clothing, watching the smoke from the fire he set lifting up into the air in mesmerizing curls before dissipating in front of his eyes. He ripped apart any scrap of paper where he lovingly wrote Frank Iero's name in curly décor, disposed of the sheets that touched his skin, scrubbed at his skin until he felt raw and burned from the friction. Nothing took away the ghost of the man's touch, the invisible imprint he left all over Gerard's entire body. Branded kisses, the places buried deep underneath his flesh where he'd touched his soul. He dug inside of him until he found Gerard's bottle of secrets, all too easy for him to twist open and pour out all of the contents into his greedy palms. After days spent in a hospital ward, slowly being driven mad from the nonstop buzzing of the television and constantly drifting in and out of consciousness, there would be no more tenderness, no fragile delicacies, nothing about him was soft and warm anymore. He became stone cold, unable to move on as he watched his world obliterate when the people he feared the most found him, hunting him down like wild animals.

Forgiveness takes on an unavoidable part in our journey as human beings, but can what's been broken truly feel warmth in contrast to the cruel iciness of hate?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The sequel to this book is called Doll Heart, and I know I didn't mention there being a second story, but I thought i'd surprise my a03 exclusive readers :) thank you for reading this, I hope you all get a taste of the happy ending the first book didn't contain in the next book. xo


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